Although Bec did bring some awesome pastries with her, apple fritters or some shit. But they hit the spot and she made me one of the ‘awesome’ coffees. I feel like a cunt at times when she’s being her usual nice self. To be honest I haven’t seen the old Bec for a while. She’s become quite hard faced lately. Her soft looks have now turned into sexy pouts and she’s started dressing in designer clothes and heels. The Bec I once knew was always in jeans and pumps, her hair held back in a comfortable bunch and her expressions natural and spontaneous. That’s disappearing slowly. I’m not sure if she’s trying to change to get my attention. And if she is, then that isn’t going to work either. She’s made a point of telling me that she’s fucking Danny, one of the guys who works at the club for me. I honestly think she thinks I’ll get jealous and claim her. I care about her, she’s my oldest friend and if Danny does anything to hurt her then his life will be over but I hold no other feelings for her than that. I can’t give her something that I haven’t got. I’d have to force it and she means too much to me for me to do that to her.
27th November 1999
Some fucker broke into the house and planted yet more photos of Kerrie all over. Luckily I went home alone last night because that would have been awkward if I had company. The twat is on the CCTV though. I was shrewd enough to install some, so I’m just waiting for Sam to get a better visual on the prick.
But I have this funny feeling. I’ve probably been snorting too much but… fuck, it can’t be. I swear the fucker has the same stance and the same lopsided walk as my own father. Surely though it can’t be. Surely that prick isn’t sick enough to photograph his own daughter having sex and then fuck with them to put his own son’s face on. He can’t be that twisted. And even if it is him, why? WHY? It doesn’t make sense. And for another thing, I don’t think he’s bright enough to even know how to alter some pictures. He’s just a drunk who is bitter because his son made something of his life that he wanted so damn much. But if he had ever thought to put down the bottle and work at it then he could have had exactly what I have. Shit, I even did time in fucking prison to push myself up the ladder, fair enough I maimed the bastard for personal reasons, mainly my sister, but I was still willing to do that to earn respect. To tell people that no one messes with my family.
I’ve upgraded the security at the house anyway. I’ve had some huge gates fitted with one of those keypads where you have to key in a number to open them. That number will only go to Dane, Sam, Rebecca and Greg. They’re the only guys I trust. The rest of the visitors have to press a button to speak to someone in the house.
I’m thinking of getting a housekeeper, my shit is everywhere. I don’t do cleaning, for one I don’t have time and for two, why the fuck should I when I can afford to pay someone to do it for me. Bit like masturbating really, why do it yourself when you can get a little woman to do it for you!
My mother’s been in touch with Kerrie. She wants her to go out to visit!! Yeah, that came as a bit of a shocker. Apparently I’m also invited but fuck that, if she can’t ask me herself then she can do one. I know she only invited me because Kerrie will have made her.
I’m pleased for Kerrie though, she needs her mum. I just hope that they sort out some of the past shit. And hopefully my mother is in a better place to want to spend time with her daughter. Don’t get me wrong, it’ll take some major changes for me to ever contemplate a relationship with her but I’m glad for my sister. She was so excited when she rang to tell me and that’s all that matters really, Kerrie’s happiness. Kade’s going with her anyway so that gives me peace of mind, I trust Kade, he’s shrewd enough to know that Kerrie will need him there in case she isn’t as ‘changed’ as she’s making out and I’m grateful to him.
He rang me last night. He’s going to ask Kerrie to marry him on her eighteenth birthday. The fact that he asked me deems him fit to spend his life with her. He absolutely adores her and would do anything for her, and she’s happy with him, in love with him as much as he loves her, and that’s all that matters.
I’ll just be glad when she gets away from my dad, so at least this will give her the push to do it. I just hope she’s not one of those women that insist on long engagements because the sooner she gets out of there the better for all of us.
1st December 1999
That fucker that calls himself a father is dead. First off, I found out he’s been draining Kerrie’s bank account. She tried to purchase her flight tickets to go out to America and her card was declined. So she goes into the bank and the bastard had applied for a duplicate card in her name and has been swiftly taking all her money. Not only that but he took out 4 credit cards in her name and has spent over 12K on them, all in her name.
And I was right about it being him that had sent me the photos. I haven’t confronted him yet. I’m waiting for Kerrie to go out to America then that motherfucker is mine.
Yes he’s my father but enough is enough. He doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as his daughter.
She was so upset. I bought her the tickets so she’s still going but it’s the fact that her own dad did this to her, after everything she’s done for him. Time and time again she tried with him. She refused to move out so she could take care of him after Mum went and the bastard has hurt her too many times.
The trouble with Kerrie is she’s too soft, she allows her heart to make decisions for her. And in a way that’s what I love about her. So I’m hoping this hasn’t changed her. She needs to trust others but she also needs to be wary of everyone.
She doesn’t know I’ve topped her account back up. There’s no way I would see her go without, not when I have plenty to go at. But I know her, she’ll insist on giving it back. I’ve already had the vultures at me, women throw themselves at me, but it isn’t because they like me, they know that I have a fair few bob. It doesn’t take long for the vultures to descend when the money starts to roll in. I found out the hard way with Marissa, remember her? The six foot Russian blonde. Yeah she enjoyed spending my money a little too quickly, so she was out. And I can’t say I’ve yet found a woman who doesn’t ask for my bank balance after the first fuck.
10th December 1999
What a week!
Good news first – Kerrie accepted Kade’s proposal. I’m so chuffed for her, she sobbed down the phone to me. They don’t know it but I’ve started to make arrangements for a surprise wedding on Christmas Eve, it’s also Kerrie’s birthday so it’s perfect. They deserve it, especially after everything Kerrie has been through. Of course, I’m not organising it, only paying for it but Bec’s in her element sorting it all out.
She and Kade are back on the 21st so it’s not too hard to keep secret from them. And… I’ve been in touch with my mother and she’s going to fly back with Kerrie. She’s spending Christmas with us.
To be honest I think she’s having lots of regrets. And so she should, she should have lots of regrets.
On another matter. I’m finding it hard to write about actually. I have mixed emotions. I’m not sure I’m a good person. I mean I know I can be a bastard but I also considered myself to have morals. Yet now I know I’ll never be the same person again.
My father is now buried in the middle of the moors.
Shit, it hurts. I… life is a mess. I’ve killed before and I knew there was something missing in me when I didn’t even feel guilty about it. But I just murdered my own father. What the fuck does that make me?
I know he was a prick but he was still my own flesh and blood. Whether I’ll learn to live with it or whether it will haunt me for the rest of my life I have no idea. I just know that right now I’m struggling.
I went to see him, have it all out with him but he just laughed in my face. The sick twat actually did it for money. He had it all planned out that he was going to blackmail me over the photos, anonymously of course. But he never expected me to find out.
Then he started spouting off about Kerrie, how ‘stupid’ she was and how easy it was to take from her. How he
laughed and made fun about her was the last straw.
I can’t talk about it yet, not without the constant need to vomit. I know I need to talk about it to help me accept what I’ve done, yet…
Dane has been awesome. He’s been there for me. He was the one who came when I phoned him in a mess. He came in a flash, got rid of the knife and his body.
What the fuck do I tell Kerrie? I think the best thing would be to just say he’s gone walkabouts and when he doesn’t return I’m hoping she thinks he’s just done a runner with her money.
I’ve been shrewd enough to alert the police. Tell them the bastard has taken my sister’s money and has vanished. Hopefully that might take some of the spotlight away from his disappearance, they’ll just think that he’s done a runner with Kerrie’s money.
25th December 1999
Merry Christmas!!
Kerrie and Kade’s wedding was perfect. She looked so beautiful. I gave her away. But I struggled. I had this overwhelming need to throw up when she asked me. It should have been our dad’s job and Kerrie had cried. She’d expected him to turn up. I, of course, knew he wouldn’t but what the hell could I tell her, so I had to sit back and watch her upset. I did that to her, I ruined her wedding day. She still had the perfect day but I took away her dream of being walked down the aisle by her father.
My mother turned up. I’m still not sure how I feel about her. She tried, I’ll give her that but it’ll take a lot more before I ever trust her again.
So life at the moment is good. It’s busy and I’m not sure if I’ll get the chance to write much. So I guess I’ll be back when life settles down a bit more.
Until then, I’m on my own.
Aged 25
23rd September 2004
It’s been a while.
So much has happened but first I need to get down my emotions over what happened last night.
I haven’t felt the need to write in the last five years as much as I do right now.
I slept with Bec!
It was something I swore would never happen and yet last night I don’t know what led to it, actually I do. It was her birthday. It’s funny how it was her birthday the last time I kissed her.
Bec has changed so much over the last five years, almost as much as I have. She is still in love with me. I always knew that but last night I took her out for her birthday and then we ended up back at mine.
We were drunk and I was doing a line. Bec’s never so much as touched an aspirin before, so stupidly I encouraged her. She’s been having some family shit lately and she was upset, so I offered her a line. I know it was wrong. But shit, she’s one of those that gets horny when she’s coked up. She started to strip to some music that came on and fuck, she had the tightest body I’ve ever seen.
I’m a man at the end of the day and when she’s begging for it I don’t like to be selfish. She fucks like an animal. It went on for hours and she took everything I gave her.
She’d never done anal before and there was this cruel side to me that wanted to see just how much she would give me, so when I pushed against her arse she tensed but took it. I knew she would, she’d never refuse me anything. But then I felt like a cunt because she cried. At first I wasn’t sure what was wrong with her but after, when the high had gone and we were still laid on the floor in front of the fire, she opened up about how much she was in love with me and how long she had waited for me to take her.
Shit! Fuck!
I think she expected me to say it back to her and I couldn’t because I don’t feel that way about her. She’s a friend and I care for her but I definitely don’t love her. I don’t think I could ever love anyone. I’m sure there’s something wrong with me. I fuck, and I enjoy fucking but that’s as far as it goes with me.
So like a bastard – I called her a cab and sent her home.
Fuck, I’m going to hell, I know it. How can someone be so damn cruel? Especially to a friend. She stared at me with these huge wet eyes but I flipped. I told her I couldn’t ever love her like that and if she didn’t accept that it would just be sex between us then I thought it was a good idea to sever our relationship. So then I sent her home to think about what she wants.
I feel such a cunt but I can’t… I dunno, I’m just a cold bastard.
Everything else is perfect. I’m near the top of the ladder in the criminal world. More and more people are coming to me for certain ‘jobs’ they want doing. I can’t understand why some people would pay 50K to kill someone when it’s just a matter of aiming a gun and pressing your finger on the trigger. It’s simple. But hey, who am I to complain, their cowardice is making me rich.
The arms distribution is still going strong too. I have two more clubs up and running. They’re perfect for circulating all the cash we receive from heists and shit. I own two restaurants but I’m only a silent partner in those. I don’t know the first thing about running a food joint so I forked out the cash, sit back and take 40% of the profits.
I’m on the UK’s top billionaire list – at twenty fucking five!
My mother has moved back to the UK. Even after all this time we’re not particularly close but she’s there and she’s still trying. Whether or not I’ll accept her into my life again is yet to be seen but it’s going okay.
Kerrie and Kade are happy still. I keep goading her for a niece or nephew but nothing yet. I love kids but I know I’ll never have any of my own. I think that’s the only downside to having a cold heart, the kid factor. Although sometimes I do wonder what it would be like to come home to someone who loves you, who would wrap you in their arms when things are shit, someone who would take care of me when I’m messed up from a fight or a job.
It’s just the aspect of them being there on a cold night, someone to laugh at the TV with and snuggle in front of the fire with.
I swear I’m getting old.
My father was never ‘found’. He was declared missing then the case was closed. They presumed him to have fled the country with the money.
Kerrie still gets upset. Sometimes I wonder if it would be kinder to tell her the truth instead of her forever wondering but then I can’t do that to her either. Shit, I’m her big brother. She looks up to me, and she means more to me than anyone on this sad fucking planet. I can’t risk losing her, she’s the only thing that keeps me grounded.
I often think what life would be like without her. I don’t have the most conventional life. My friends are friends, fair enough, but they’re not close like all that girly shit friendship stuff.
We all have our secrets, I know that, and I have plenty that I keep from Kerrie but she’s still the only person who could ever get close to me.
Kade is currently building Kerrie her own house. Get that. I’m rather jealous and I’m debating paying him to do the same for me but really, I love my house. It still grounds me, money wise. I look at it and I remember how hard I worked to pay for it.
Nothing in life is free and I need to make sure I remember that at all costs, because if I ever lose track of where I came from then I’m as sour as the other bastards out there who were given life on a plate.
It just saddens me to think that if anything happened to me then who would gain from my hard work. Of course there’s Kerrie and I know she’d use my money wisely, but to be honest, it’s not the financial side I’m talking about.
Fuck, I sound like a lonely fucker. And honestly I’m not. I have lots of stuff to be grateful for.
I need to get high!
14th October 2004
Shit, we lost Danny last night.
There’s some new cunts trying to take the east and west, not a fucking chance. I rule both of them and they must be proper dense if they think I’m just going to roll over and let them play with my shit.
They seem to have taken it personal that I sent their man back in a cardboard box. What the fuck did they expect? Philip had come to me a few months back asking for a job, so I gave him one – in the club. He apparently didn’t like that and when he went
off on a tangent about wanting to be accepted into my ‘personal circle’. He wanted to be trusted with the ‘other stuff’. What a total twat. I knew there and then he was a plant.
But I consider myself generous, I got a month’s work out of him at the club. Although I did forget to pay him before I broke the fucker’s neck. Sam really had fun with each body part and then the new guy, Eddie Balls (What the fuck kind of name is that anyway) took it personally when I sent his man back.
So now he will have to deal with me personally. Danny was a good guy. He worked hard and he was as loyal as they come. So now I’ve taken it personal. Sam’s ‘obtained’ me Eddie’s home security passcode so my blood is itching for revenge.
Should be a nice night actually. Slice Eddie’s throat then Dane and me are off to Hawaii for a few weeks. I’m ready for a break so when he mentioned it I thought why not. Sun, sex and lots of coke… perfection for three whole weeks.
~~~
UPDATE: Turns out Eddie wasn’t in. So he’ll have to wait till I get back.
6th November 2004
What a shit pile to come back to!
I’ve decided that slitting Eddie’s throat is too easy. I’m gonna cut the fucker up then feed him to his own damn dogs!
He’s seriously aiming for trouble. Had a great break away, my knob hurts with all the sex, every muscle in my body was relaxed and my brain was refreshed then I come back to a shitstorm.
Greg took the brunt of it. He’s still in hospital. Some fucker stabbed him as he left the club two nights ago. Sam’s girlfriend, Marcy, got home to two dead pigs on her living room carpet with a note telling her to warn her boyfriend.
My Diary, by Mason Fox (Heart of Stone #8) Page 4