I had a tattoo! Yeah, me! I had Kerrie’s name on my chest. There’s this part of me that is struggling with parts of my life. I think I had it to prove to myself that there is someone I love. I wanted her name inked on me to confirm that I do care for someone. I have this feeling that there’s something wrong with me. That I’m incomplete because I can’t love. Yet every time I look at the tattoo it reminds me that my heart does actually work and that it has the capability to love… if that makes sense. Maybe I’m becoming a pussy, I dunno, but I feel good for having it there anyway.
Kade delivered me this massive photo of Kerrie and me. It’s hung in the office because it makes me smile and takes me away from the bullshit of my life. Kerrie is laughing so hard in it, my arm is around her waist and we’re both completely natural. It’s a great photo and everyone’s commented on it.
Even my mother ordered a copy. Things went okay in America I suppose. I’m not sure we bonded but we did get on alright and that’s a start.
Aged 31
4th November 2009
Shit, fuck, bollocks!
I’m a twat! A total twat. Condoms! They’re made for a specific reason. But I rarely use them and now Bec tells me she’s pregnant. And of course it’s mine. Of – fucking – course!
I’m not sure what I think if I’m honest. The thought of having a baby scares the damn shit out of me but then I catch myself smiling to myself every time I think about a mini me. A little dude that is mine. Someone who will love me unconditionally.
Yet there’s this little niggle in my head that tells me Bec isn’t quite being totally honest with me. You see, I’ve barely ever used a condom with Bec, and we’ve been fucking for five years nearly, so why now… especially since I told her the other day we needed to cool it for a bit. She’s been getting way too clingy. I’m sure she thinks we’re in a relationship.
Last week I got invited to a party and I took Marie, someone I’ve been fucking on and off for a while. Anyway Rebecca freaked out, proper caused shit between Marie and me, telling her all this shit. So I went crazy and told Bec that she should back the fuck off.
So she turns up this morning and told me she’s pregnant. So now I’m finding it a little weird how during 5 years she’s never got pregnant before. I have this awful feeling that I’m not capable of getting anyone pregnant.
I’m booked in the clinic (Bec doesn’t know) just for a check-up to make sure that my swimmers can actually swim. It’s not going to be something great but I’d rather find out.
5th January 2010
I think I may have gone into shock. George Fielding is retiring and moving to the bloody Algarve. Bloody hell, I never thought the man would ever step down from London.
The thing is he’s given me his areas. All of fucking London! However, he asked me to give Simon Bell, his right-hand man, and the girl he took in, a job. I have no problem with Simon, he’s a good bloke but what the fucking hell am I going to do with a woman??
George tells me that Ava is amazing at running things, she knows all about what he does and she’s very discreet, therefore she would make the perfect personal assistant for me. What the hell was I supposed to say? I owe George tons and he is seriously worried about leaving her behind when he moves. Seems she doesn’t want to move to Portugal, so twat here said yes. This should be bloody fun.
He’s not moving until April so it gives me a few months to get used to the idea, I suppose. He wanted me to meet her beforehand but I have to go back out to America. Some twat is trying to cause trouble for my mother. She wants me to go out there and try and ‘alleviate’ the situation. ‘Apparently’ she doesn’t owe this bloke the 40K he’s saying she does. So now I have to go out and sort out her fuck-ups. I knew it was too good to be true. No wonder she came back to the UK so damn quickly.
Great.
Oh by the way, I had the results from my sperm test. I won’t go into specifics because that was the most utterly embarrassing thing I’ve ever had to do. But it turns out that I have a blockage and need surgery to clear some fucking pipes. How fucking wonderful!
12th January 2010
Jesus fucking Christ! I swear I am never going through that again. They stuck a damn fucking sharpie in my bastard balls!
However it seems that it was worth it because they said they managed to unblock whatever was blocking it. I still have to do a bloody ‘cum in a cup’ thing in 6 weeks to be on the safe side but I can cope with that.
However, I haven’t told Rebecca about all this because she told me she had lost the baby.
I feel shit for her, and the last thing she needed was me going bastard on her arse. But at least things are cool my end now. She’s not having my baby and in the future I know I can have them if I ever want them. Yeah, like that’s likely to happen!
But I have a feeling she knew I couldn’t get her pregnant anyway. But what’s done is done, there’s no point causing drama over something that doesn’t matter now.
15th February 2010
Dane seriously has a bloody problem. He’s become such a twat that I’m scared I’m going to break his fucking neck soon.
I’ve bought a new club, Pulse. Opening day is this Saturday and I find out that Dane has done a fucking deal with the Arabs over a drug deal. He’s been fucking dealing, with my name behind him, without my fucking knowledge. What the fuck is wrong with him? I can’t be dealing with this when I have to set up a fucking club. Anyway Bec’s stepped in and is going to run the bar until I sort the shitstorm hanging over us with the Arabs. I swear he’s on something worse than the snow. The fucking twat!
I have to go out to the bloody US to sort out my mum’s shit. My life has gotten crazy!
29th March 2010
First day back and I was strung that bloody tight I slept with Bec again. The business in America took longer than I’d expected and I didn’t get laid once out there. There were plenty of offers but I just wasn’t interested.
That’s quite disconcerting actually. Since when haven’t I been interested in easy pussy? But that’s the thing, I feel like it’s missing something now. The something that I’ve felt is missing for a long while. And so feeling like a proper let down to myself, I screwed Bec. Great! Now she thinks we’re back on after the baby fiasco. Thing is I was fucking high again. I need an alarm on my phone that squeals at me when I’m about to fuck, something that flashes up with ‘Use a condom you fucking idiot!’ I woke up this morning and usually there’s a condom thrown somewhere - but not this time.
Oh fuck it. I have worse things to worry about.
Apparently there’s shit going down at the brothel as well, Christ knows. Everything runs smoothly for years then all hell breaks loose.
I’ve had fucking Trevor who runs the place with Bec on the phone every damn day saying the girls aren’t too happy. Well there’s a fucking surprise, they’re never bloody happy. I can’t see how he thinks this is my problem though. That’s Rebecca’s domain, not mine.
And I’ve broke ties with my mother. Finally! Seriously, I can’t do all this shit with her again! Turns out she DID owe him. I’ve paid her debt for her because to be honest I don’t want the guilt of another of my parent’s deaths on my hands. But I’m done with her. Her and my father were made for each other. All they think about is fucking money. She gave me the sob story and swore it wouldn’t happen again, that she’s a changed woman and that the debt was from way back but I’m too old for bullshit now.
Kerrie’s gone up the wall. She’s definitely not herself. She went weird a few years back and then she was fine again, and now whatever the fuck is up with her is back again!
What the fuck is it with women? Why can’t they just tell it like it is? Why all the secrets all the damn time?
4th April 2010
I
I, fucking shit.
My little sister has breast cancer.
I
I can’t… fuck!
6th April 2010
I don’t know what to do. My poor lit
tle sister is going through hell and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t cope with this shit. What the fuck!
What happens if… I don’t even wanna… I can’t even think about that now.
The only person I have ever loved is going to die. Then what? What the fuck do I do? I’m too selfish to live on my own. She’s going to rip out my damn heart and take it with her.
She’s hurting and I can’t make it better. I don’t know how to. I can’t fix this with my fists or my bank balance. This, for the first time ever, is out of my hands and I don’t like the feeling that brings. I can’t fork out money to make it right, I can’t maim some fucker and give her vengeance but most of all I can’t even promise her that everything will be okay, because I don’t know. I – DON’T – FUCKING – KNOW!!
10th April 2010
Kerrie is coping with this a damn site better than I am. She’s strong and gutsy and I pray that’s enough to get her through it. She might never have kids after the treatment either and that’s the only thing that’s hurting her. She says she’s going to fight and I know she will but whether she comes out of this with her soul still intact is another matter. Or even if I will.
As usual, only time will tell I suppose but I have to be there for her, be strong for her and not freak the fuck out like I have been doing. She needs me and I have to be there for her. And I’ll try my best. That I can be sure of.
16th April 2010
I sat here with my pen for an hour just staring at the date above. I don’t know how to describe the emotion, the feeling, the amazement, or the way my heart, for the first time in my life, stopped beating.
Ava Stone. Ava Stone. Even her name is perfect.
I was on the phone to Trev about some more shit at the brothel. I heard Dane go answer the door and I knew she was coming but shit, I should have prepped myself more.
The glimpse of her when I’d seen her in George’s kitchen that time did nothing to subdue the shock when she walked into the room. I swear my heart gave out. My cock had never been so damn excited before.
She’s fucking perfection in itself. Her tits are huge but her stunning green eyes are even bigger. She stared at me like I was fucking God. Have you any idea what that does to a man?
I had this overwhelming urge to claim her. She’s tiny, but has this mass of copper hair that made my fucking fingers twitch with need. She’s the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen. But I can sense this pain inside her, shit it pours from her. I know from what I gathered at the time that she’s had a rough past but shit, it’s etched into every fibre of her.
I’ve never wanted to take a woman in my arms and soothe her before but damn did I want to this morning.
Of course I was an utter twat to her! As always. I just couldn’t cope with whatever the hell was happening inside me. My emotions are everywhere. I get a raging hard-on every time I look at her and I can’t take my eyes off her gorgeous lips.
Dane was a dick to her but that didn’t come as much of a surprise, the man has some serious issues lately and I’m going to have to have words with him soon.
Oh and the girl makes the most amazing coffee. She also bakes… get in!
I know it’s only a matter of time before I take her. Ava Stone is mine. I know it will just be a fuck and I’m hoping she’s on board with it.
I mean I don’t love, we all know that. I can’t do love. And as great as the need in me to take Ava beneath me is, I know I can never love her.
I know.
~~~
TURNS OUT I DIDN’T KNOW SHIT!!!
The End
Keep reading for an exclusive snippet from
Dove
An erotic thriller by
D H Sidebottom
Coming soon
Dove
An erotic thriller
Coming soon from
D H Sidebottom
Prologue
Dove
Dove,
Happy 14th birthday, baby.
Listen, something’s come up. Jimmy’s got me and Bob a job – in fucking Russia no less. I know! How’s that for crazy!
Anyway, you’re 14 now, don’t want me and my fella cramping your style. You can fuck in peace, baby!
You’re ok with Ren aren’t you? She loves you more than she does me anyway.
Love you, baby. Take care of yourself and give Ren a squeeze for me.
Mum
P.S Make sure you don’t answer the door! The fucking nosy cunt from the socials due today, and I’m supposed to be there… yeah, might be best if you don’t open the door to her, she’s been threatening to take Ren into care… fucking bitch!
Closing the folded piece of paper, I stared at the bright yellow flower Mum had drawn on the front, with the words, ’14 AT LAST’ scrawled across the top in thick red letters.
Russia!
She’d fucked off to Russia with Bob!
My legs wobbled and I flopped onto the threadbare two-seater bench, the corner of the foldaway table digging into my hip and making me hiss. The paper shook in my fingers as my hands trembled.
“What a fucking bitch!”
My mother had never actually been maternal, but fuck! FUCK!
Staring around the room, not seeing anything of the inside of the small one bedroomed caravan we lived in, only the bleak future now laid out in front of me, I swiped at the single tear that managed to squeeze free.
Russia!
“Jesus fucking Christ Mum!”
P.S Make sure you don’t answer the door! The fucking nosy cunt from the socials due today, and I’m supposed to be there… yeah, might be best if you don’t open the door to her, she’s been threatening to take Ren into care… fucking bitch!
Rereading the words, my heart started to shift into panic. Fuck!
Diving out of the bench, the corner once again burying into the small amount of flesh on my hip, I yanked open the van door and tore across the camp.
“Whoa Dove, fire up your pretty ass?” Trevor sneered when I ran past him. Creepy fucker! The fat bastard was always trying to get the kiddies into his van and I’d warned Ren until we were both blue in the face that if she ever spoke a single word to him I’d hack off her beautiful long blonde hair and make a wig for Miss Daisy, her dolly, with it. That had appeared to work – thank the fucking gods!
“Ren!” I shouted when I saw her thin little body balancing through the tyre hanging from the only tree in the field. “Ren, we have to leave!”
She shook her head firmly. “No, Dove. Bren has gone to fetch me one of his mum’s cookies. I can’t leave yet!” Her pretty blue eyes filled with tears, the promise of cookies too much to run from as she gripped firmly on to the rope.
“Ren!” I grumbled, trying to prise her fingers from around the rope. The tiny eight year old had more strength than I did! “Please, we have to leave.”
“Uh, uh,” she repeated with another shake of her head.
I was pulling at her now, desperate to make her let go. “Serenity Jane!” I was struggling to hold the tears back, the realisation of what was happening suddenly sinking in. “If we don’t go now the bloody woman is coming to take you away!”
Her eyes widened. “The woman with the big wart on her chin? The one Trixie told me to hide from?” Ren had never uttered the word ‘Mum’ in her whole life, insisting that ‘Trixie’ never acted like a mum so didn’t deserve to be called one.
“Yes!” I said quickly. “Please, honey. We have to leave. We can go anywhere you like, and we can buy shit tons of cookies when we get there.” I bit my lower lip, praying that the small amount of cash I’d hidden in the back of the dresser was still there. If the bitch had swiped it then I swore I would hunt her down and hack out her eyeballs with a rusty spoon.
Ren narrowed her eyes on me. “Anywhere?”
I nodded firmly, praying that she would just let go of the damn rope. “You know where I want to go, Dove.” She jumped off the tyre. Thank the lord. “Can we go? Can we?”
/> Her excitement had me pausing from my hurry and I smiled down at her, pinching her chin between my finger and thumb. “London it is.”
“Yay!” she cried, jumping up and down. Flinging her arms around me, she buried her face into my stomach. “I love you so much Dove.”
My heart slid up my throat. What the hell was I gonna do? How the hell was I going to support an eight year old in strange city with little cash and no damn digs? Closing my eyes, I swallowed back the bile and forced another smile when Ren looked up at me with her huge expectant eyes. “I love you too, Ren. So much, honey. No one will ever take you away from me, ever.”
She nodded with excitement. “We’re going on an adventure?”
“We sure are!”
As Ren was trying her best to fit her tatty bunny, Mr Big, into her backpack and I’d checked on the stash of cash I’d saved for over six years, the grand total of £304.56 now sat in the pocket of my bag, I sat on the end of the bed and glanced around the tiny square bedroom I had shared with Ren for eight years now. As much as it was a dive, it was my home, our home. And as much as my mother was a drunk and an addict, caring more for the next hit and a quick screw with Bob than spending time with her daughters, she was still my mum. She was my home, as much as the crappy little van was.
My eyes slid to the wall beside the grubby mirror, my gaze fixing on the photograph.
My Diary, by Mason Fox (Heart of Stone #8) Page 6