by Susan Lewis
her every bit as much as she had him, had felt the severing of their bond as brutally, so why had he never gone against them and got in touch?
She tried again with her memory, searching for something, a moment's terror or revulsion, a stifled scream, a shudder of guilt or shame, but she could find no nightmare buried inside her, no dark secrets too horrific to reveal. Because none were there. He'd only ever loved her as any father loves his daughter, perhaps more than some, but that didn't make it wrong. Her mother and uncle had kept him away from her out of jealousy and vindictiveness, but even as she thought it, she realised with a horrible sinking sensation that it could as easily have been some kind of legal authority that had stood in his way.
She continued turning the pages to the end of the year, but there were only two more entries, one chronicling the start of another new job and the other a reminder for the dentist. There was no mention of what kind of work he was doing, or where he was living during that time. Until he'd left home he'd been the manager at a local engineering factory, but from the cursory nature of the entries she got the impression these jobs were more menial, temporary, a means of earning money in order simply to exist. Though bleak, it was a scenario she preferred over the other one that fitted equally as well - that he'd been in prison.
She was so engrossed that she didn't hear a car pulling up outside, or the sound of footsteps on the deck. It was only when Rico said, 'I am sorry if I am interrupting,' that she realised he was there.
'Oh no, no,' she said hurriedly, getting to her feet. 'Not at all. I didn't hear you. Please, come in.'
He took a couple of steps in through the open door. 'I am going into the town,' he explained, 'so I thought maybe I take some boxes to the charity shop now, if they are ready?'
'Uh, yes, of course,' she responded, feeling oddly flustered. 'There are quite a lot actually. Mainly clothes. I'm still going through all the books and papers.'
'I can see,' he said.
She looked down at the table.
'Is it helping? Are you finding him?' he asked.
Managing to clear a path through the muddle in her head, she said, 'Perhaps. I'm not sure. There's still a lot to go through.' She looked at him and managed a smile. 'Did you know him well?' she asked, wondering if her cheeks had turned red from the sudden heat in her body.
'I see him every year for most of my life, maybe only for a few weeks, but I spend some of it with him and Gwen. He liked the sea, and to do things a little crazy' He smiled. 'He did roller skates and surfboards and one day he go in a parachute from a helicopter and injure his ankle when he land on the ground ' His eyes grew mischievous. 'You know. I think you are like him.'
To her confusion she heard herself stammer. 'You - you mean I look like him?' she said.
'No, I mean in the special way My family take him to their hearts, and now they do same with you.'
She looked away thrown by the way she was
responding, but maybe he'd just caught her in a vulnerable state after reading her father's diaries.
'It is sad for you,' he said, 'to find him again this way. After he has gone.'
She moved her gaze to the diaries, and feeling a strange sort of connection to him, she heard herself saying, 'Would you like a drink? I think the coffee's gone cold, but I can make more.'
He didn't answer, so without looking at him she went to check the pot. 'Cold,' she confirmed.
He stayed where he was, watching her, still saying nothing.
As she crossed to the sink she was aware of the oddest sensations moving through her, as though her mind was floating in a liquid world, somewhere apart from who she was and where they were. She found herself wondering what he was thinking, and hoping he found her attractive, because after what Josh had done her confidence was in pieces. But he was so much younger, and she was looking so far from her best... For one giddy moment she wanted to flirt with him, to feel that charge of adrenaline as the chemistry kicked in, but she knew she wouldn't, not only because it would be wrong to use him to flatter her ego, but because she was so out of practice she'd probably end up embarrassing them both.
After refilling the coffee machine she turned back to face him, and caught the jolt of a response as their eyes connected. 'Shall we go and fetch the boxes?' she said, feeling as though she might actually float into the bedroom. 'Yes, of course,' he answered. She started to move, then registering the fact
that they were about to go into a bedroom together, she felt suddenly sober, and was on the point of blurting out an excuse to do it later, when the phone rang. Not sure whether she wanted to laugh at how ridiculous she was being, or feel relieved that she'd been saved from disgracing herself, she reached out to pick it up.
'Julia?' a voice boomed down the line. 'Rod Fuller. I've got some news. Is this a good time?'
'Uh yes, now's fine,' she said, her eyes going to Rico. 'Just give me a second.' She put a hand over the mouthpiece and said, 'I'm sorry, I have to take this. Can we ... Can you ... ?' 'I'll get the boxes,' he said. 'They're through there,' she told him, pointing past the fireplace, then added, 'I was wondering about dinner. Would tomorrow night work for you?'
As he looked at her she felt the heat coming back to her cheeks. Had she made it sound as though it would be just the two of them? 'I would like that very much,' he said. 'Thank you.'
Feeling the need to make sure he understood, she said, playfully, 'Shannon's threatening to cook.' After allowing his eyes to linger a moment longer than necessary, he started towards the hall.
Waiting until he'd disappeared, she took a deep, steadying breath and returned to her call. 'Rod, sorry I'm with you now,' she said, refocusing. 'So what do you have?'
'Would you believe eight Douglas Cowans, but fortunately only one who fits the full picture. So, I'm going to run with this one being yours.' She braced herself, for after what she'd read in
the diaries she was certain he was about to confirm the worst.
'Right, we begin with three arrests for assault and battery,' he said. 'The first couple of occasions it turns out the charges were dropped, but on the third he received a suspended sentence.'
She felt stunned. It had to be a mistake, her father had never been a violent man, in spite of what Gwen's cousin Albie had said. 'When?' she asked.
'All three back in the Eighties. Two in '81, the third in '83.'
After he'd left home. 'Nothing before that?'
'Not that I could find, so the answer has to be no.'
'And he didn't serve any time?'
'No. No prison record at all.'
Room then for some relief.
'There are a few other court appearances,' he went on, 'nothing serious, all resulting in fines - drunk and disorderly, disturbing the peace, threatening behaviour. Sounds a proper charmer, if you ask me - or he was back then. So who is he? If I'm allowed to ask.'
She looked round as Rico emerged with a stack I of boxes. 'He was my father,' she heard herself answer.
'I see,' Fuller responded, drawing out the words in a tone that didn't sound pleased. 'If I'd known that, I'd have come at you a bit differently.'
'It's OK,' she assured him. 'Is there anything else?'
There was a pause, before he said, 'No, I guess that's it.'
She frowned. 'Are you sure?'
I'm sure, but if more comes up, I'll let you know.'
After he'd rung off she continued standing where she was, her hand still on the phone as a hundred different thoughts chased each other round in her mind. She watched Rico slam down the tailgate of the car and slip into the driver's seat. Then as the Volvo disappeared into the trees, she let go of the phone and went to sit down again.
So it seemed the stories about her father being violent were true. Three arrests for assault and battery all in the early Eighties. It was a serious enough crime, and one that often resulted in a prison term, but on two occasions the charges had been dropped, and on the third he'd clearly been let off lightly. Why? Without the co
urt records it was impossible to know. What really mattered, though, was that the worst of all imaginable crimes had not come up attached to his name. Surely that had to be cause for some kind of celebration.
A few minutes later Shannon appeared from the woods, laughing into her mobile phone while throwing sticks for the dogs, who'd followed her over 'Hi,' she said brightly, as clicking off the line she came in the door. 'Everything OK?'
'Everything's great,' Julia replied. 'You look happy Who were you talking to?'
'Oh that was just Dad, being Dad. You know what he's like when he's in a good mood. What's all this?' she said, picking up one of the diaries.
'I found them in the attic. I haven't read many of
them yet, but I've just had a phone call confirming that he did not have a criminal record.' Well, at least not the one she'd feared.
Shannon's eyes were brimming with laughter as she said, 'You were really afraid that he did, weren't you?'
'Well how would you feel, if it were Dad?' Julia countered.
Shannon wrinkled her nose. 'He should have one the way he dances,' she retorted, 'he is like so embarrassing when he gets up at parties and things.'
Julia had to laugh. 'He does it to wind you up, you know that. When he's with me, he's Mr Cool.' Did he ever dance with Sylvia, she found herself wondering.
Shannon's eyebrows arched. 'He likes to think he's that all the time,' she declared. 'So, what have we got to eat?'
'Whatever's in the fridge, which won't be much. We need to go to the supermarket. Correction, you need to go, because if you're serious about cooking for Rico, I've set a date for tomorrow night.'
Shannon's eyes grew round as her cheeks flooded with colour. 'Really?' she said, clearly not sure whether she was allowed to burst with excitement or not.
'Really,' Julia confirmed, still trying to escape the image of Josh and Sylvia dancing.
'Oh my God,' Shannon cried, clapping her hands to her face. 'Oh my God. That is like, so cool. Oh Mum, you're the best. What shall I cook? You've got to help me. We'll have to get some candles, and find some decent music. What do you
think he's into? Oh Mum, I am just going to die I've got to call Ottie and tell her.'
'I think we should invite her and Fen too, don't you?' Julia said. 'It'll seem rather odd if we don't particularly when we're going over there tonight.'
'We are? You mean I'm going to see him tonight as well? I think I'm going to faint.'
Laughing, Julia threw a tea towel at her. 'Just make sure you remember your promise,' she said.
'If anything happens, I mean anything at all, I promise to tell you,' Shannon declared. 'Anyway, how can it, while you're right there?'
Julia walked over and tilted up her chin. 'Nothing's going to happen,' she told her firmly, then experiencing an uncomfortable moment as she wondered whether she was talking to herself or her daughter, she pressed a kiss to Shannon's forehead and went to the phone to find out what Josh was in such a good mood about.
'Does it have to be anything in particular?' he responded when she asked.
'No, of course not. I just wondered if something had happened. A new deal. A new author...'
'I was just sharing a joke with Shannon, that's all.'
She frowned at his defensiveness. 'Josh, I asked an innocent question, and now you're behaving as though I've accused you of something.'
'Are you?'
She felt her face start to drain as she wondered if accusation was needed.
'Don't argue, Mum,' Shannon whispered from behind. 'I hate it when you argue.'
Julia held up a hand to reassure her, and said
to Josh, 'Shall I call back? This is obviously a bad time ...'
'No, we can speak now, but you'll have to make it quick ...'
'Then pardon me for interrupting,' she snapped, and banged down the phone.
'Oh Mum,' Shannon groaned. 'Why did you have to do that? He was in a really good mood just now ...'
'With you, maybe, obviously not with me. Now stop arguing his case, and get revising.'
Shannon looked mutinous.
'OK, then answer the phone.'
'It'll be him calling back.'
'Just answer it, Shannon.'
'What do I say if it's him?'
'Try hello.'
Shooting her a withering look, Shannon grabbed up the phone and said, 'Hello.'
'Put her on.'
'It's Dad,' she said to Julia.
Grudgingly Julia took the phone. 'Yes?'
'I'm sorry. I was out of order.'
'You were, but I'll forgive you if you're going to be nice to me now.'
'I miss you,' he said sharply.
'Is that your excuse?'
'Yes.'
'Then maybe it would improve your temper to come down here at the weekend, because I'm missing you too.'
There was a pause before he said, 'Dan's got a couple of things on, and I promised my mother I'd take her to Harrods.'
As the coldness of suspicion came over her again she said, 'Well, she has to come first.'
'Julia she's helping us out.'
She sighed. 'I know, I'm sorry.'
After a pause he said, 'I love you.'
'I love you too.'
'Yes!' Shannon whispered in the background, and grinning happily she skipped off to her room.
'So what was all that about just now?' Julia asked, after hearing Shannon's door close.
'I don't know,' he answered, sounding tired. 'I just feel kind of irritable today, and I guess I thought you were starting to read something into my good mood with Shannon, which was actually a bit of an act, because frankly I feel about ready to murder the world.'
'Why? What's irritating you so much?'
'I don't know - and please don't start reading anything into it.'
He kept being so defensive. 'Like what?' she asked.
'Like nothing. Look, let's drop this, shall we?'
'I'm not sure I've got hold of anything to drop,' she replied, 'but I can tell you this, you're beginning to sound like someone with a guilty conscience.'
'Oh for God's sake. I've got nothing to feel guilty about'
'Are you sure?'
'Of course I'm sure.'
She remained silent, trying to make herself believe him, but her instincts were warning her not to. 'She's back, isn't she?' she said, feeling the heat of fear starting to burn through her.
'What do you mean? Who?'
'Oh Josh, that response alone ... Please tell me it's not why you went back to London early.'
'Of course it's not. I didn't even know she was back in the country ...'
'So she is there.'
'Yes, but . ..'
'And you've seen her.'
He didn't answer.
'Oh my God!' she gasped, putting a hand to her mouth as all her fears and suspicions started to explode.
'OK, I have seen her, but not in the way you're thinking.'
Her eyes were darting wildly around. She didn't want this to be happening. Somehow she had to make it stop ...
'I went round there to tell her it was over,' he was saying. 'She kept calling me, she wasn't listening ...'
'You could have told her on the phone,' she cried. 'You didn't have to see her. Oh my God, I can't believe what you're doing, Josh. Are you really so obsessed with her? Tell me now if you are ...'
'No! For Christ's sake, I've just told you, it's over.'
She tried desperately to believe him, but it just wasn't happening. 'Did you fuck her?' she heard herself say bitterly. 'While you were there, did you ... ?'
'I never laid a finger on her.'
She was shaking her head. 'You're lying.'
'I'm telling you the truth.'
'She won't let you go, will she? But maybe you don't want her to.'
'Julia stop this. She knows it's over. I couldn't have made it any clearer, and she's out of my life now.'
She lowered her head as though to escape the horror of the
new realisation dawning in her mind. 'That's why you're angry with me, isn't it?' she said 'You still want her, and now you resent me for making you give her up.' 'That is just ridiculous,' he almost shouted. 'Ridiculous or not, it's true.' 'For Christ's sake, what do I have to say to convince you? I don't want her. I want you.'
She was staring at nothing, knowing she'd be wrong to believe him, yet almost desperate to, for everything would be so much easier if she could...
'Look, I have to go now,' he said, 'but I'll come at the weekend.'
She didn't protest, saying nothing as she rang off and turned to gaze at the mill wheel, going round in front of the window. She barely knew what she was thinking, or even feeling, beyond the dread of being drawn further and deeper into the pain of his betrayal. She'd thwarted his plan to go to New York, so unable to stand being apart any longer, Sylvia had flown back early, and he'd rushed up to London to be with her. She could feel herself almost buckling as she envisaged their passion at the moment they saw each other again, him sweeping her straight into bed, or taking her right there, against the wall. She knew Josh, the way he operated, and how he could make a
woman feel. A barrier of denial rose up around her mind, as though to block out the images, but she couldn't let them go.
'Revision can wait,' Shannon suddenly declared, bouncing back into the kitchen, 'let's look through some of those books, shall we, decide what we're going to cook tomorrow night.'
Julia turned to watch her as she carried a small pile over to the table and cleared a space.
'Do you think we should do pasta, or will he get enough of that at home?' Shannon was chattering on as she sorted through the books. 'It has to be something easy, whatever it is, because I'm definitely going to do this myself, and I want to impress him so he'll know he'll be getting a wife who's as good in the kitchen as she is in the bedroom.'
It took Julia a moment to realise a reaction was required, then registering what Shannon had said, she narrowed her eyes and treated her to a menacing look.
Shannon giggled delightedly, and moved up to make room as Julia went to sit down with her.