by Susan Lewis
'He's sleeping, but you should have been here, Julia. You're his mother. It shouldn't be falling to mine to deal with these things. Just thank God I wasn't in a meeting, or somewhere she couldn't get hold of me. But you were, and it's just not good enough. I want you back here, Julia. Today. Shannon too. I've had as much as I can take of this
trawling through your past. He left, he's dead, time to get over it.'
She flinched at the harshness. 'Josh, listen,' she said, 'I have something to tell you.'
'Tell me when you get here.'
'No. Don't ring off. Please, I have to tell you now. Shannon's already on her way back.'
There was a pause before he said, 'What do you mean? Why aren't you with her?'
'She's on the train ...'
'Alone? Jesus Christ Julia, what's the matter with you?'
'She's fifteen, Josh. That makes her old enough...'
'In your book, maybe. Not in mine. So why the hell aren't you bringing her?'
'That's what I need to talk to you about. Are you alone at the moment?'
Again there was a pause and she could almost feel his confusion. 'My mother's upstairs, sitting with Dan,' he said. 'Why? What the hell's going on?
Julia swallowed, and put a hand to her head. 'Shannon's had a bit of a shock. She's very upset ...'
'What kind of shock? She was fine when I last spoke to her.'
'You should meet her at Paddington. The train gets in at ten to seven.'
'Julia, what's happened?' he growled darkly.
She look a breath, then knowing she had no choice but to go through with it, she braced herself and said, 'She found me in bed with Rico, Fen's cousin.'
For a long time there was only silence, and the longer it went on the more she could feel her future slipping away. Finally, in a voice that was so bitter that she flinched at every word, he said, 'So while our son was having a seizure and needed his mother, while we were trying to get hold of you, you were too busy fucking another man to answer the phone? Is that what you're telling me?'
'Josh - I ...'
'Not only were you fucking another man, you were doing it in a place where your own daughter could walk right in and find you. Is that what you're saying? I want to get this right Julia, because if my wife has turned into some kind of brainless, self-involved fucking whore, I need to know.'
Wincing at the words, she said, 'You can't make me feel any worse than I already do.'
'Oh, I haven't even started,' he snarled.
'Josh, please. Shannon needs our help now ...'
'Are you out of your mind? I think you've done enough where she's concerned, don't you? And frankly, if she never wants to see you again, that'll be fine by me.'
'Listen, I'm going to pack up this house today ...'
'No, you listen. You just stay right where you are. We don't want you here.'
'But you said yourself, Dan needs me,' she cried. 'I have to come home. We have to deal with Shannon together.'
'Just stay away from her,' he raged. 'You're not fit to call yourself a mother, or a wife...'
'Josh...'
'Just tell me this,' he cut in savagely, 'did you go the whole way? Did he make you come?'
She should lie, and she was going to, but her hesitation told him the truth.
'Jesus Christ,' he seethed, and she heard the slam of his fist against something hard. 'I could kill you for this.'
Unable to stop herself she said, 'Then now you know how I feel about you and Sylvia.'
'Don't even go there!' he yelled. 'It's not the same thing. I wasn't refusing to have sex with you . . . I didn't find you repulsive...' 'I never found you repulsive ...' 'You were all I needed, everything I wanted, but it wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to create problems where none existed. You thought you were drowning, or suffocating, or whatever other crap you could come up with. Well it doesn't sound as though you had any trouble with Rico, does it? No, it was all fine with him, until our daughter happened to walk into the room. How fucking inconvenient. Well she's out of the way now ...' 'OK, the moral high ground's yours,' she shouted, 'but it still doesn't change the fact that you've been deceiving me with my own best friend, and probably still are for all I know.'
'Well, maybe I am. At least she wants me in her bed...'
'I've always wanted you, you know that. I still do. I love you ...'
'Spare me the bullshit. It's too late now, Julia. It's finished. We're never going to get past this, so stay where you are, because we sure as hell don't need you here.'
She flinched as the line went dead, and knowing there would be no point trying to call back yet, she hung up too. She didn't blame him for the way he'd reacted, she more than deserved it. She'd hurt him in the worst possible way, while at the same time she'd traumatised and devastated their daughter, as well as failing to answer the phone when their son needed her. Her crimes were piling up, and never mind that there was nothing she could have done for Dan from this far away, Josh was right, she should have been there, not here, neglecting her motherly duties, and making love with another man.
Though she wanted nothing more than to get in the car and drive straight to Dan, she'd had enough experience of his seizures to know that he was likely to be fully recovered by now and probably didn't need her at all. Nevertheless, she still felt the urge to be with him. He was her boy, her own flesh and blood, nothing mattered more than him. So why didn't she just go? Why was she just standing here, staring at nothing? She felt so drained that maybe all she really wanted was to go and lie down. However, she knew that as soon as her head hit the pillow, the self-loathing and fear would keep her awake. She looked around, unable to think what to do. She lacked the heart now to continue clearing the house, and the strength to go outside and walk. She thought of calling Fen, but how could she possibly tell her what had happened? She'd be as appalled as she ought to be, and probably even ashamed to call her a friend. Then, hearing footsteps on the deck, she looked up and her heart twisted to see Rico standing at the open door.
'I can go away,' he said.
She shook her head. 'No, it's OK,' she answered, then without even knowing she was going to do it she put her hands over her face and started to sob.
He came to her, held her in his arms and rocked her as she cried. He murmured gently in Italian, stroking her hair, and letting the tears soak through his shirt to his skin. 'It'll be all right,' he told her softly. 'She will get over it.'
Julia couldn't see how, nor could she envisage a scene where Josh would forgive her. She didn't tell Rico that though, she was too distraught, too racked with tears to find a voice.
After a while she lifted her head and tried to break free. He held onto her and tilted her face to his. She looked up at him, and saw so much concern in his eyes that she felt her own fill with tears again. He wiped them away with his fingers, and continued to look at her. Then his mouth was touching hers, lightly, tentatively, in a way that was tender and undemanding, and craving the affection she kissed him back, feeling herself warming to the comfort and relaxing into his arms. His hand moved to her neck, stroking it gently, and after a while her mouth came open, allowing his kiss to become stronger and deeper. She lifted her hands to his face and held it as their tongues met and their passion grew.
He took her right there, and she clung to him desperately, needing him to help her block out the pain. She wanted him to hurt and punish her and force HER TO KEEP going so she would never have to think of anything else ever again.
'Julia,' he murmured across her open mouth. 'Julia.'
Suddenly her head fell back and she cried out as she started to come. It was breaking in harsh, unrelenting waves, pulling so savagely at her it was as though her own body was trying to destroy her. She cried out again and again, holding onto him and letting the tears run down her cheeks as he came too and whispered that he loved her.
For a long time afterwards they stayed where they were, arms around each other, their bodies still joined. It was alm
ost as though she was afraid to let go. Somewhere at a distance she was aware of Josh and the children, but she couldn't let them in now. Her shame would be great enough when it came, so it could wait. She wanted only to go on holding Rico, feeling the strength of his body supporting hers, and the tenderness of his heart as it beat against her own. For these few precious moments the world was standing still, and nothing in her was willing for it to move forward again.
Chapter Fifteen
Sylvia was sitting in the production gallery of a national radio station, waiting to go into the studio. Robin, her publicist, was with her, a short, wiry man with a serious frown and an infectious smile, and an impressive record of getting maximum exposure for his authors at the time of publication. In Sylvia's case, drumming up interest was rarely difficult, for she was a regular top-seller, a beautiful woman, and a totally dedicated singleton - a term Robin was never allowed to use in her presence, since she utterly loathed it. However, the fact that she remained so resolutely unattached when she was clearly highly desirable on just about every front was a source of fascination to many. She must surely be inundated with offers, so who, it was often asked, was finally going to capture this elusive ice queen?
Sylvia never denied having lovers, though she guarded their identities as jealously as her own reputation, however that didn't stop her teasing interviewers with the occasional exotic or sensual
detail of her life. It all added to her air of mystique, and the image she enjoyed most of all, of the irresistible woman who broke hearts, never the other way around.
Robin, of course, knew who many of her lovers were, but he was as discreet as he was trustworthy, mainly because if he weren't, he knew he'd be out of a job. On the other hand, she also had to tread a little carefully with him, for should he ever be of a mind to, he could probably make a small fortune by selling her story. This was not because she herself was of any great value to tabloid readers, but several of the men she'd had affairs with most definitely were.
Now, as they updated her schedule for the next two weeks, she could sense Robin's excitement building, and smiling she squeezed his hand, for he almost always got more worked up about her going on air than she did. It was one of the little idiosyncrasies she enjoyed most about him, though he'd obviously forgotten that this particular interview was due to be recorded, rather than transmitted live, so didn't really warrant many nerves. However, it was to be the first of the dozen or so he had lined up, so perhaps that was good enough cause for his giddy anticipation.
'Sorry to keep you waiting,' a researcher said, popping her head round the studio door. 'We're having a technical problem, but it shouldn't be long now.'
'No rush,' Sylvia assured her pleasantly, and went back to reviewing the schedule.
'The really big event, obviously,' Robin said, 'is the launch party tomorrow night. We've got loads
of media lined up, and celebs and other authors and the venue's a big publicity draw in itself, being
Marcello Diego's new restaurant-cum-nightclub.
There'll be about seventy for a four-course dinner, and they'll be expecting you to give a talk after, obviously, so I've prepared a few notes, but you're much better at it than I am, so feel free to chuck mine. Oh God, who's this calling now,' he groaned, picking up his mobile. 'Ah, it's our two o'clock. Better make sure it's still happening.'
As he took the call, Sylvia continued to glance over the schedule, though she wasn't paying it any detailed attention, for she was already familiar with its most salient points. Since Robin could always be relied upon to inform her immediately anything new had been added, she was happy to let her thoughts drift in a completely different direction, and as they did she could feel the warmth of pleasure closing around her heart. Though she'd been certain when Josh had left last week that he would contact her again, she wasn't sure she'd expected it to be quite this soon, and knowing that he hadn't even lasted four days sent frissons of lust shivering through her. How pleasing it was to realise he couldn't give her up, that his conscience, in the end, couldn't overcome his need. He had to have her, and she had to have him too, and though she hadn't actually seen him yet, she'd got the feeling when they'd spoken, yesterday, and again this morning, that he was finally ready to start letting Julia go.
Were it possible to feel more thrilled by that, she didn't know how, though she was aware that she still needed to play it carefully. Having found the
man for whom she was willing to give up her precious freedom, it would be an absolute disaster if she did anything to mess it up now. However, the fact that he'd agreed to be her escort tomorrow night, in full view of all their publishing colleagues, as well as the media of course, went to prove how much closer he was to accepting the inevitable. Where that left Julia and the children she had no idea - she guessed she'd find out when she saw him. For a fleeting moment the wait till tomorrow night seemed almost intolerable. She just hoped he'd come early enough to allow some private time together before they left for the party.
'OK, everything's fine for this afternoon,' Robin declared, ringing off. 'They just want a couple hundred more books for you to sign, if you can bear it. I'll get onto it while you're working the magic in there.'
Sylvia's chill blue eyes sparkled, for she loved giving interviews, and being on such a high today, she was really looking forward to making a start. What a pity she couldn't mention anything about Josh yet. It would be quite a scoop for this particular show's host to be told that the famously single Sylvia Holland had finally met her man, but she'd need Josh's permission for that so, alas, it would have to wait. However, just for the sheer pleasure of it, she decided to run with the idea of going public for a while. She imagined what it would be like to tell the world how she felt, watching Josh as he dealt with the envy and admiration he would receive when the famously aloof author revealed she had finally fallen for him. The images and pride delighted her so much that she almost
laughed to think of how Robin would react once he found out, not only for the publicity value, but because, like her, he'd never imagined her succumbing to the tired old temptation of wedded bliss. However, she was getting ahead of herself now, for though she'd love their first holiday to be a honeymoon, there was a considerable amount to sort out before that could happen, not least of all Josh's divorce. This hadn't even come up as a topic yet, never mind a possibility, so she really should start reining in her imagination now.
An hour later she was in the back of a chauffeur- driven Mercedes with Robin and wanting very much to laugh out loud, for he'd obviously been so tied up on the phone during her interview that he hadn't heard a word she'd said. But he would, tomorrow, when the programme was aired - and once again she fought the urge to laugh, for she could already hear his screech of disbelief, hotly followed by a reminder that as one of her closest friends, her publicist and chief guardian of secrets, he had an absolute right to know before anyone else who this amazing man was.
As Julia gazed down at the viscous green surface of the river she had no clear idea of why she was here, except it was a beautiful and tranquil place to be, in amongst the rushes, and sheltered from the sky by a vast canopy of red and gold branches.
It seemed so remote from the rest of the world, and after another dreadful row with Josh this morning, that was how she wanted to be, remote, separate, no longer attached to all the pain she had caused. Except in her heart she wanted to be with
him, in London, trying in some way to repair the damage, but he wouldn't allow it.
'You can't keep me from my children,' she'd shouted at him when he'd refused again to let her come home.
'As far as I'm concerned we play this Shannon's way,' he'd shouted back, 'and right now she doesn't want to see you.'
'But what about Dan? You can't tell me ...'
'Dan's fine. The minute he's not, I'll let you know.'
'Josh, don't ring off,' she'd cried, certain he'd been about to. 'We need to talk. We can't let everything fall apart like this.'
'What we need, Julia, is a break,' he said coldly.
'But for how long?'
'I don't know.'
She'd tried not to say it, but in the end it had just blurted from her. 'So that you can carry on seeing Sylvia?'
'Oh for Christ's sake.'
'Are you still seeing her?'
'If I am, I don't have to answer to you.'
'Yes you do,' she'd almost screamed. 'I'm your wife, whether you like it or not. And they're my children. Josh please, don't do this ... I'm sorry for what I did ...'
'I have to go,' he said, and cut her off.
Feeling the dampness of the air starting to seep through her clothes, she wrapped her coat more tightly around her and watched a rabbit skirting across the opposite bank. Apart from her, the wildlife and Rico, there wasn't another living soul around, and the only sounds were those of the trees
creaking birds twittering or squawking, or an occasional splash as something plopped into the water. She'd been here once before, many years ago with her father, after reading the book she'd loved above all others at the time, Frenchman's Creek. She'd wanted to see the place for herself and had secretly hoped to discover that Dona and her pirate lover were still there, even if only in ghost form now, fishing and building fires and sailing La Mouette into the sun. She remembered being so distraught at the end of the book that Dona hadn't gone with her Frenchman, that her father had encouraged her to write a small sequel, just for them, which would see Dona and her lover together again. So she had, and - not wanting to alter anything her idol Daphne du Maurier had set down - she'd made it so that Dona had given birth to her lover's child nine months after letting him go, and then her horrid fat slob of a husband was killed falling from a horse. Jean-Benoit Aubery, her dashing pirate lover who was a wealthy Frenchman really, was then able to marry her and take care of all her children, including his own.
What wouldn't she give to be able to write her way out of the heartache she was suffering now, making everything different and right again, with her father, with Josh, with Shannon? She wasn't sure what kind of story she would create, though her father would certainly still be alive, and Josh wouldn't be sleeping with another woman, and she wouldn't be standing in one of the most romantic spots she knew with a young man who had no place in her life, and for whom there was really no room in her heart.