by Susan Lewis
'Then why did you do it?' Shannon finally asked. 'I mean, I thought you loved Dad ...'
'I do, very much,' Julia said warmly. 'And I don't ever want you to doubt that. Not ever. OK?'
Shannon nodded, but her eyes were full of uncertainty.
'What happened with Rico had nothing to do with how I feel about Dad,' Julia said firmly. 'When you're older, and you've had a little more experience of the world, you'll have a better understanding of what I'm saying, but sometimes we feel ourselves being driven to do things we wouldn't normally do. It can happen for all sorts of reasons, because you're feeling sad, or happy, or let down, or afraid ...'
'So you didn't really like Rico?'
Understanding that Shannon needed this to be put simple but knowing she was old enough to accept some of the complexity in spite of her reluctance. Julia said, 'Yes, I liked him, it wouldn't have happened if I didn't, but feeling an attraction to someone is very different to loving them, the way I love Dad.'
'But what would you do if Dad found someone else attractive? You wouldn't like it, would you?'
'No, of course not, but I know that sometimes he does find other women attractive ...'
'He doesn't have sex with them though.'
'No, he doesn't,' Julia said, knowing that to tell her about Sylvia wouldn't help at all, 'but that's not to say he hasn't wanted to, because sometimes we experience very overpowering feelings for someone else, that aren't always easy to explain or even keep under control. They just happen, and ...'
'Do you mean, like chemistry?' Julia smiled. 'That's exactly what I mean, and if you're in the kind of vulnerable state I was at the time it happened with Rico - try to remember I was grieving for my father, and things weren't going so well with Dad - then those feelings can take on a much greater sense of immediacy, and become a lot harder to resist.'
Shannon's eyes went down as she considered what she was being told. 'You don't still want to be with him though, do you?' she said. 'Grandma Emma says you do, but...'
'Then you mustn't listen to Grandma Emma,' Julia said, making a mental note to take this up
with her mother-in-law at a later date, 'because she's not telling you the truth, and that's another lesson you'll learn one day, about people who interfere, but we won't go there now. God, she's such an old bag,' she muttered, unable to stop herself.
Shannon giggled. 'I won't tell Dad you said that,' she promised.
Julia laughed. 'I probably shouldn't criticise her when she's been so good to you all,' she said, 'but I can't believe she said that to you. She is such a stirrer.'
'I know, but I don't think Dad really believed her. He said he didn't, anyway.'
'You talked to him about it?'
'Not very much, but he said if he could forgive you then I should too.'
Julia held her face in her hands and gazed deeply into her eyes. 'And can you?' she asked.
Shannon nodded. 'You won't ever do it again though, will you?'
'No, never,' Julia promised, hugging her. 'Not with anyone except Dad.'
'And definitely not any of my boyfriends,' Shannon teased.
Julia winced, and knew she'd probably never enjoy that particular kind of joke. Then, tilting Shannon's face up to hers, she said, 'Now it's my turn to tell you a secret.'
Shannon's eyes widened with intrigue.
'I went to see a doctor this morning,' Julia whispered, 'and I'm going to have a baby - and before you start jumping to any wrong conclusions, I'm almost four months along so it's definitely Dad's.'
For several seconds Shannon's calculation and amazement were almost palpable, then finally she broke into a smile that was so like her father's that Julia didn't know whether to hug her or cry.
'That is so awesome!' Shannon declared. 'Does Dad know?'
'You remember I had a quick word with him just before he left?'
'You told him then?'
Julia grinned.
'Oh my God,' Shannon cried, 'he must be like so freaked out. Oh, poor Dad, stuck over there with Dan ... I bet he can't wait to come back. Do you think he's going to be pleased? Yeah, he will. I know he will. He really likes children, well, sometimes he does ... Oh Mum, this is so wicked. You are going to be so old when you have it ...'
'Thanks very much,' Julia retorted.
'No, everyone is these days. Women your age are having babies all the time. I read about it, or saw it on TV. I don't know, but it is so cool. I hope it's a girl. What do you think Dad will want? What do you want?'
Linking her arm to start walking back, Julia said, 'Since I've already got one of each, I really don't mind.'
'I knew you'd say something like that. I bet Dad will too.'
'Do you really think he'll be pleased?' Julia said, ready to take reassurance wherever she could get it.
'He's bound to be,' Shannon declared. 'He's a man, and seeing as they like everyone to know how virile they are, how can he not? And he won't
need a Porsche to prove it now, will he? He'll have a pram instead.'
Julia threw back her head as she laughed, and wished Josh could have heard his daughter's cracking little insight into the male ego.
By the time they got back to the mill the sun was starting to set, and the temperature had dropped several degrees, making it seem very warm and cosy inside. Keen to make the place even more welcoming for when Josh came back, Julia immediately set about lighting a fire, while Shannon, eager to show her support, placed candles around the sitting room and hearth, then stood back to admire their mellow, romantic glow.
'Don't worry,' she said, carefully lowering the lights to enhance the effect, 'when they come in I'll take Dan into my room so you and Dad can be alone.'
Loving her concern, Julia hugged her close, then needing the distraction she drew her down onto one of the sofas, and encouraged her to talk some more about Hugh. However, it wasn't long before they heard the sound of a car pulling up outside, and as she felt the hollow of her stomach flood with nerves Julia got to her feet, not even realising Shannon was in mid-flow.
'It'll be OK, Mum,' Shannon whispered. 'He'll be fine. Honest.'
Julia looked down at her, too anxious to appreciate their momentary swap of roles, as she reminded herself that it would be hard for Josh to say much with the children around, so if he was still angry it probably wouldn't erupt into
anything too terrible tonight. Then she listened for Dan, feeling sure he'd come in shouting, as he usually did, but though she could hear voices, curiously none was his. 'Maybe it's not them,' she said, going to the window, but it was too dark to make out who was there.
'It's definitely Dad,' Shannon said. 'I can tell his voice, but who's he talking to?'
'It sounds like Fen,' Julia replied, and started down the stairs.
As she reached the bottom Fen pushed open the door and began to stomp on the mat.
'Where's Dan?' Julia asked, trying not to be alarmed.
Fen looked up and smiled. 'Over at the house,' she answered, moving aside for Josh to come in. 'Dad's training him up to be his new backgammon partner, and Ottie's hoping Shannon will come and join us for dinner. Bob and I thought we'd take them all over to David's, but it's too dark for her to walk through the woods alone, so I've come to collect her. If that's OK with you?'
Before Julia could respond, Shannon cried, 'Wicked. I'll get my things.'
Julia watched her charge across the kitchen to grab her coat, then her boots, which were next to the door, where Josh was in the process of kicking his off. Since his back was turned she took the opportunity to look quizzically at Fen.
Fen immediately grinned and winked. 'It's bloody freezing out there,' she said, as Josh straightened up. 'Do you need any more logs over here?'
'No thanks,' Julia answered, her heart starting
an unsteady beat as she realised she and Josh really were going to be alone. 'We've got plenty.' His expression was hard to read, though he definitely didn't look happy, and for one absurd moment she almost wan
ted to go with Shannon and Fen.
'OK, I'm ready,' Shannon announced, jamming on a woolly hat as she looked up at Fen.
'Here's some money,' Josh said, digging into his pocket.
'Not necessary,' Fen assured him.
'Please don't argue,' Shannon told her. 'I'm broke.'
Josh shot her a look and closed up his wallet.
'Dad!' she cried.
Opening it again, he gave her ten pounds and told her it was only a loan.
'OK, let's go,' Shannon said, clutching her cash, and after zooming back to kiss Julia, she went up on tiptoe to kiss Josh, and in a severe, cautionary tone said, 'Be nice to her, Dad, because she's really nervous.'
Julia couldn't help but laugh, nor could Fen, but as the door closed behind them Julia saw that Josh's sense of humour had failed.
For a while they stood in an awkward silence, listening to the sound of Fen's car driving away, then the churn of the mill outside, until finally Julia said, 'Can I get you something? A drink ...'
He shook his head, and dug his hands into his trouser pockets. 'I asked Fen to take them because we need to talk,' he said in a tone that did nothing to still her nerves.
'Josh, I - I know how bad this must have been for you ...'
'How certain are you about the fifteen weeks?' he cut in sharply.
'Completely. The doctor wasn't in any doubt.'
'Then how the hell could you not have known?'
'I just - it didn't seem, when we haven't exactly ...'
'I take it it is mine,' he shouted. 'Or has there been someone else?'
'Don't be ridiculous, you know there hasn't.'
His eyes were still smouldering with anger. 'I was practically wishing myself dead,' he growled. 'Do you know that? After you told me ...'
'Oh Josh,' she groaned, starting towards him.
His hand went up. 'Don't even think about it!' he barked, stopping her.
'But what can I say? I'd never have put you through it if I'd known, you must know that. Josh, please, don't be angry. Everything's going to be all right now, isn't it? Please tell me it is.'
His voice was hard as he said, 'Life isn't that simple.'
'But it can be if you'll allow it.'
He said no more, only stared at her in a way that started to turn her blood cold.
'Do we really want to put any more obstacles in the way?' she cried. 'I want us to be together again. Isn't that what you want too?'
As his eyes continued to bore into hers it was impossible to tell what he was thinking. All she knew was that the distance between them was still there, and now she was becoming terrified she wouldn't be able to close it.
'Today,' he said finally, 'was the first time I've cried since we found out about Dan's problem.'
Immediately her heart contracted. 'You cried then?' she said softly. 'I didn't know.'
'Because I didn't want you to.'
'But you do now?'
He didn't answer.
'Why?' she prompted.
Still he didn't answer.
'Josh?'
'I suppose,' he said, 'because it's a way of telling you that I love you so damned much that the relief of finding out I might not lose you after all was too much for me to hold onto.'
As the words reached her she felt such a rush of emotion that she almost sobbed with relief, but though she longed to go to him, there was still something in him that was holding her back.
'Just tell me you're sure about the fifteen weeks,' he said hoarsely.
'I'm sure. I can show you the printout the doctor gave me.'
He swallowed hard, then pressed a finger and thumb into the sockets of his eyes.
This time she didn't hesitate, and as she got to him he looked down into her face with eyes so full of pain that it brought tears to her own. 'I'm sorry,' she whispered brokenly. 'I'm so sorry.'
He continued to look at her, seeming almost afraid to go any further.
'I love you,' she said.
His eyes dropped to her mouth, then he raised a hand to trace her lips with his fingers. 'Even if the baby weren't mine,' he said, watching his movements, 'I couldn't ever have stopped loving you. I just wish I could tell you we'd have made it work.'
'It's not an issue now,' she replied, 'so we don't have to think about it.'
His eyes came back to hers, and as she felt herself sinking slowly into their darkness she placed a hand over his to keep it against her cheek.
'I know we didn't plan this,' she said, 'but are you OK about having another?'
He raised an eyebrow. 'How can I not be when he or she seems to have safeguarded everything I hold most precious?'
She smiled and turned her mouth to his palm. 'That's a lovely way of looking at it,' she whispered.
His only response was to go on gazing at her.
'I've missed you so much,' she murmured softly.
His eyes stayed on hers as he absorbed her words.
'I think you know what I'm saying.'
She could tell that he did, but still he said nothing, only looked at her and traced her jaw with his thumb.
'I feel the way I always did,' she told him. 'There's no strangeness inside me now, nothing like there was before.'
She saw him swallow before he said, 'If it doesn't work ...'
'It will,' she assured him. Then, realising that the only way to prove it was to show him, she touched her mouth to his and said, 'Why don't we go upstairs?'
With her lips on his he held her there, his hand cupped around her face, his tongue gently finding hers She tasted so good and the promise of what was to come was so powerful that he
could only wonder how he'd lasted so long without it.
As he followed her up the stairs, he was looking at her long slender legs, and noticing how her hips were very slightly starting to flare. Then he was thinking of how beautiful she was when pregnant, how he could never get enough of seeing her naked, carrying his child. Even as he thought it, and realised it was about to become a reality again, he could feel the bitter-sweet pangs of disbelief and euphoria stirring anew.
When they were standing together in the firelight, hands loosely clasped, he let his feelings show through the intensity of his eyes, wanting her to know that everything he did now was going to be about how much he loved her. Not until he could sense the responses building inside her did he draw her into his arms and kiss her with so much tenderness and passion that it was a long time before either of them could bear to let go.
When he did, she moaned softly in protest, as the need for him was gathering like a soft liquid heat inside her. She was thinking of how well he knew her body, each place to touch, every kiss and caress that would arouse her more, and the moves that would finally make her his. The knowledge of what he could do was already inflaming her to a point where she longed to begin, but she understood that he was in charge, that she had no say in this now, so she would let him do with her as he would, and follow wherever he took her.
As his mouth came back to hers, he tilted her face high, moulding her lips with his own and letting her feel the pressure of his tongue, before
breaking away from her again to look into the clouded depths of her eyes. He knew she was becoming desperate for him to put his hands on her body, but they remained on her face, and in her hair, then still without touching her, he said, 'Take off all your clothes.'
Desire instantly flared inside her and stepping back she began to do as she was told, keeping her eyes on his as she removed everything down to a front-fastening bra and sheer white panties. He stopped her there and moved her hands aside to finish the task, and as he revealed her soft, heavy breasts he moaned at the pleasure that rose in him. They were so full and luscious and burnished gold in the firelight; her nipples were large and dark and so ready for his touch that she gasped as his fingers found them. Then they both watched him caressing her, loving the rugged maleness of his hands on her pale, feminine flesh, until eventually her eyes came up to his. Seeing how da
zed she was becoming, he covered her mouth with his and kissed her hard.
Minutes later they were in the bedroom and as he sat on the edge of the bed he drew her between his legs so that his mouth moved easily to her breasts and his hands could begin to lower her panties. He knew how she loved him to do this slowly, so he took a long, tantalising time to roll them down over her hips and thighs, stopping to smooth her buttocks and touch her very gently between the legs. Then, taking her panties down to her ankles, he watched her step out of them before undressing himself and drawing her back to him again.
As his hands splayed over the soft mound of her belly, she looked past them and saw the strength of his desire. He was so big and ready for her and she longed to move onto him and take him in her now, but she knew he wouldn't allow it yet. He wanted her pleasure to be more intense than she could bear before he gave her that, and already it was beginning as his mouth returned to her breasts, and his fingers teased the moistness at the join of her legs. Sensation after sensation was leaping through her. He could make her come like this and he knew it, but he was a long way from ready for that. Not even when her legs started to weaken did he increase the pressure. He just held her there, toying with her senses and knowing that this was gradually driving her crazy.
'Josh,' she gasped, clutching his shoulders as she sank towards him. 'Please, Josh, now.'
His fingers started to move faster and deeper, while his mouth was more demanding on her nipples, biting and sucking them hard. He felt her shaking, and sensed the waves almost ready to break, but not until the first one forced its way free did he pull her to him, lying back on the bed, and bringing her mouth to his as she began to cry out.
'Please, Josh, please,' she begged. Then feeling the tip of him starting to enter her, she tried to push herself down to take him, but he wouldn't let her.
'Oh God,' she cried, barely able to stand it.
But he held back, making her come all over the tip of him, clenching and squeezing, trembling and releasing until finally, grabbing her hips, he plunged right into the heart of the storm.
'Oh yes,' she seethed, as the fast penetration rocketed her to a new and excruciating high. He held her tight, feeling her muscles tugging him as though to pull everything from him, then still holding her close he rolled her onto her back and rode her straight from one orgasm into the next.