Mya doesn’t wait for my answer. She shoves me from her soul with a rough push that shakes my physical body. I release Mya’s shoulder, but I don’t lick the wound. I can’t. I didn’t get a chance to claim a piece of Mya’s soul to fill in the hole she discovered.
I ease my dick from Mya’s body, but I don’t climb off her. She’ll run from me. That can’t happen. I can’t live without her.
“Her name was Anna Tanner.” I drop my forehead to Mya’s back. “And my breeding partner died over forty years ago giving birth to our twin boys. Her uterus ruptured.” I swallow past the lump in my throat. “She bled out. Died. I couldn’t save her. Couldn’t save our babies either. I tried, Mya. So did Anna’s mother.” My eyes burn. I squeeze my eyelids tighter. “She even tried to cut the babies out. We all knew Anna wasn’t going to make it. There was too much damage, too much blood, even for a shifter.”
I’m rambling. I can’t help it. I’ve got to get this out. “And our boys…the one had the cord wrapped around his neck. The life was already gone from him. The other…he wouldn’t breathe on his own. No matter how much I tried to get him to take a breath. He wouldn’t. He joined his twin and his mama.”
The pain chokes me, harder than it has in ages. I shove my dick into my jeans and zip, then I land hard on my back next to Mya. I hate that I hurt her like this. Can’t take it back. I messed up. The next move is on Mya.
Chapter 14
Mya
Rick has managed to shatter me in a way even Todd didn’t. I won’t survive this, not like I did after Todd betrayed my ignorance. There’ll be no more putting a smile on my face and dealing with the shitty events of my life. I won’t be singing in my head along with the songs playing in the bar. Looking forward to my kids’ smiles won’t save me either.
Tonight changed everything. I touched heaven in Rick’s arms. He took me there. My stupid jealousy cast me out. The landing shattered my world and exposed the truth. I’m falling in love with a man who is even more messed up than I am. I don’t know if I can fix him. No amount of sex will make this better.
“I should’ve told you about Anna.” Rick drapes an arm over his eyes. “Confessed to loving another woman. I have no good excuse to give you other than telling you Anna would’ve been happy to know I found you.”
Rick’s statement pulls me back to this pivotal moment. I can either find the right words to heal us both or drive a wedge into our budding relationship. By the goddesses, I don’t want to do that. I’d never be able to live with myself if I let my true mate suffer with this pain alone. I need Rick as much as he needs me. He’s the only one who can bind the shattered pieces of my world together.
I open my mouth. No words come out. Dang it. I don’t know what to say. Rick loved this woman. That much is clear from his tone and tortured expression. How do I get past knowing Anna will always hold a place in his heart, if not his soul? Or that Rick had likely once made love to her the way he had with me moments ago? Or that he’d probably kissed her until she was breathless and weak-kneed. Maybe spread her legs and worshipped her down below, making her thighs tremble.
My jaw cracks from clenching my teeth so hard. I’m being ridiculous. Rick was with Anna before me. He hadn’t known he’d meet me, and it’s not as if I expect him to have lived a celibate life. Shifter males are highly sexual. It’s why many take multiple lovers besides their breeding partners. Heck, I’m glad he’s experienced. The things he did to me left me satisfied. So why does knowing Rick loved another woman bother me?
A raw, explicit curse breaks the silence of the night. Rick pushes to his feet and grabs the white button-down shirt he’d worn to my place, balling the fabric in his hands. “I’m old, Mya. Doubt I’ll live much longer. When I die, you won’t feel any pull to me. You can move on with your life. Maybe we’ll get things right the next time our paths cross.”
The stark loneliness I’d seen in Rick’s eyes the night I brought him his bourbon flashes before me. I’ve seen that look a few times in the faces of shifters who’ve come into the bar, then went on to end their lives. Suicide is the leading cause of death among our kind. Even I’ve considered seeking the escape it offers, but to lose Rick to suicide is unimaginable.
“Rick, I—”
“Let’s get you dressed.” Rick pulls my shirt over my head, then gently frees my hair trapped underneath the collar. He smooths his hand over the strands. “And get you home. It’s late.”
“I don’t have a bedtime.” Geez. Why did I say that? I sound like a stubborn child.
Rick raises his eyes to mine. The blue has receded from his orbs, allowing the white of his eyes to show. They look completely normal, but I won’t soon forget the beauty of seeing them all blue when he made love to me. Or knowing the transformation was my doing. Only shifters in the presence of their true mates exhibit the phenomenon.
“No, but you do need your rest.” He uses his shirt to wipe the evidence of our lovemaking from my pussy and thighs. “I rode you hard.” He slides my jeans on, tugging them as far as they’ll go while I’m sitting. “Then exposed you to a crapload of emotional shit you shouldn’t have to deal with in your condition. That wasn’t right.”
Rick moves to stand. I clasp his wrist, stopping him from escaping. “Being pregnant doesn’t automatically turn me into a fragile doll. With Peyton and Rey, I worked until my contractions were twenty minutes apart before calling Jenna to help me through the labor.”
Fury burns in Rick’s eyes. He leans over me. “Where was your breeding partner?”
“Not around.” I gnash my teeth. Todd is not a topic I want to discuss, especially after the best sex I’ve ever had…with another man. I won’t sit back and let this go, however. If I want a chance with Rick, we need to be very clear on my situation, past and present. “Remember, Todd and I don’t have a romantic relationship or even a friendship. I’m a vessel for his kids. That’s it. If I was anything more to him, I wouldn’t have allowed you to fuck me tonight.”
“Make love to you.” Rick lifts me and tugs my jeans on, then pulls me against his body. “Don’t lessen what we shared. It was the best damn encounter I’ve ever had with a woman.”
“Better than with your breeding partner?” The moment the words are out of my mouth, I freeze. Guilt squeezes my throat. Why did I go there? Why?
Rick makes a disgusted sound. He releases me and snatches the used shirt and blankets. With long strides, he moves toward the edge of the sacred circle.
“Rick, wait!” I hurry after him and grab his hand before he can step over the ring of scraggly bushes. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just…” Just what? Ugh. I’m making this worse.
“I loved Anna, and I loved Lena. I won’t pretend I didn’t for you.”
“Lena?” I release Rick’s hand. “Who is Lena?”
“A human girl I almost married. She’s soul-bonded to her feline mate now. Happier than she ever was with me.”
Rick’s voice is hard. His words are sharp. Lethal. I ignore the obvious signs of the wall he’s building between us. I won’t let this go. I need to understand the life Rick led before me and what it means to us.
“What happened between the two of you?”
Back ramrod straight, he faces the woods. Not me. He’s ignoring my question. I can’t help but wonder why. What did this woman do to him? I lay my hand on his rigid back. “Did she leave you for this guy she mated?”
“What I shared with Lena wasn’t the forever kind of love.” Rick looks over his shoulder at me. There’s confusion on his face as if my interest surprises him. “Lena recognized that and walked. I didn’t follow her. I didn’t follow Anna into death either. Doesn’t mean I didn’t love them. I did. We made some wonderful memories together. Laughed and stuff. But I love that they’re in better places now.”
“Death is not a better place.”
Rick steps over the edge of the circle. “For Anna, it is. Hopefully, she’s been reborn and found her true mate already. She did die over forty yea
rs ago.” Rick holds his hand out to me. “Sometimes, another chance is the best a single shifter can hope for.”
I focus on Rick’s open palm. Two other women held it before me. Who am I kidding? Lots of women have held it before me, but only two held the honor of being loved by Rick. If things had turned out differently in those relationships, I’d never have the chance to slide my hand along Rick’s or discover what’s so special about being with your true mate. In that respect, Rick’s right, but we don’t have to wait for death to wipe our slates clean.
We have today. And tomorrow.
Rick curls his fingers. “Like I said, if the goddesses are willing, we’ll get another shot someday too.”
His harsher tone matches the tight fist he’s formed. He’s shutting me out. I jerk my attention to his face. Stony features form a rough mask, hiding his turbulent emotions. Only anger and frustration remain. Both are my doing. I’m failing at this relationship thing. Not surprising. I never got the chance to learn how to function in a normal one.
I step over the bushes. Rick is there with a hand on my upper arm, steadying me, despite the shitty way I’m treating him. He’s a good guy—respectful and caring. Is it so surprising he loved Anna and Lena? Or that they loved him? Even if it wasn’t the forever kind of love.
Ours can be, though.
Standing on my tiptoes, I fix his beanie that barely stayed on through the loving we’d shared. My fingers linger against Rick’s strong jaw. Carnal needs stir, warming my belly. It doesn’t matter that we’d had sex minutes ago. I could love him all night, every night, for the rest of our lives.
“I don’t want another chance.”
Warmth fades from Rick’s blue eyes. “Then when I take my last breath, I’ll remember your words. Hopefully, the memory will be enough to guide my actions the next time I’m born.”
I close my eyes before I roll them and lean into Rick. My lips connect with his stubble-covered skin. A tingle runs down my spine. I’m still incredibly sensitive. It’s Rick’s doing. He worked my body perfectly. Probably because of his time with Lena and Anna. He perfected his skills. I can either reap the benefits of the experiences that have shaped Rick or let them taint my reactions.
What Rick and I shared was magical. Unforgettable.
Mapping a path to his lips, I let my breath warm his skin. Rick settles his hands on my hips but makes no move to push me away. He doesn’t pull me closer either. He’s waiting. I can almost feel his anticipation, his excitement, and his confusion. I’m giving him mixed signals. I plan on correcting that.
With my lips a hairbreadth above his, I draw his air into myself. I yearn for a connection to this man, something I can carry with me at all times. I’ll never have it. Todd made sure of it, but he didn’t close off my heart. I can still love, and I want Rick in my heart. I want our love to be stronger than a soul-bond. I want a tie to this man that’ll defy death. I’ll have it too.
“You’ll remember my words, but will you remember why I spoke them?” My lips brush his as I ask my question that will hopefully make up for my childish reaction to knowing my true mate lived a life before me.
Rick brushes his knuckles over my lower back. The hard glint to his expression eases. “You’re talking in riddles. Why don’t you explain it so we’re both perfectly clear?”
Triumph grips me. I didn’t mess this up completely. “Yes, we should be very clear. Our souls are on the line.”
Rick’s cell phone dings, likely with a text message. He groans as if annoyed by the interruption, but he yanks his cell out and looks at the display. His lips press into a thin line.
My curiosity gets the better of me. I lean forward, trying to get a peek of the screen. He presses a button, turning the screen off, and slides the phone into his rear pocket.
“Is something wrong?” I can’t help asking. I don’t like the way he was looking at his phone. Whatever message he got upset him.
“Someone wants to meet with me tonight.”
I glance at the moon. “It’s late. What’s so important that it can’t wait until tomorrow?”
Rick gives a half shrug and eases out of my embrace. “Not sure. Maybe it’s related to the case I’m working.”
“What kind of case?” Although Ilan and Josh told me, I want to hear the details from Rick. I want him to tell me everything about his life.
“A murder. I’m a Shifter Affairs agent.” Rick narrows his eyes as if he suspects my ignorance is fake. “Surely Josh told you.”
“Yes, but I don’t know anything else about you.”
Rick lifts me and cradles me against his chest with an arm under my legs and another at my back. He moves in a jog toward my place. “I’m going to take you home, then head out to meet him.”
He’s not promising to tell me more about himself. I bite my lip. My self-doubt surfaces. Maybe he doesn’t plan on revealing any other details with the way I reacted to learning about his past love life. I wouldn’t blame him. How would he know which facts I’d be okay with and what ones would trigger me? He doesn’t really know me well. Being true mates doesn’t automatically wipe away the learning curve of getting to know each other.
“Will you come back to my place after you meet him?” I hold my breath and silently urge him to say yes.
“Depends.”
Pain stabs me. Who knew one word could cut so deeply? “On what?”
“If I’m still living.”
Oh goddesses. Panic quickens my breath. “Do you plan on dying?”
“Never know,” Rick mumbles.
“You can’t die.” I turn slightly in Rick’s arms and grip the front of his shirt. “I just met you, and I—”
“Sometimes angels of death strike out of the blue. You don’t always know when your number’s been pulled.” Rick doesn’t look at me while he speaks. He scans the woods as if searching for danger.
My chest tightens, and my wolf stirs. She senses my distress. I want to calm her, but I’m not sure I can. Rick’s scaring me with his unusual words. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing.” Rick slows his pace. His grip on me tightens. “Forget what I said. If I can’t return, I’ll call.”
“Promise?”
“Only death would stop me from keeping it.” Rick comes to a stop and studies me. “Do you know how to shoot a gun?”
“Yes.” Ilan taught me, then tried to give me a gun. I didn’t want to have one in the house with Peyton and Rey.
“I’m going to leave mine with you, then. If Todd comes around trying to hurt you, use it. Don’t worry about the law. We’ll plead self-defense or we can run. Something. Don’t think about the consequences. Remember that your life is important. I want you to safeguard it. Do you understand?”
“Yes. I understand.” There’s nothing else I can say. Rick demanded my trust. I gave it to him. Now I have to prove I’m a woman of my word. That’s what dominants do. If Rick says he’ll call me if he doesn’t plan on returning to me, he will. If he doesn’t… I swallow hard. I don’t want to think about the possibility. It would mean I failed my true mate.
Chapter 15
Rick
Meeting an angel of death is usually the last thing a shifter does. Sometimes referred to as assassins, they come in silence, acting on the direction of the Shifter Council or the highest levels of human government. Justice means nothing to the angels of death. Neither does compassion or mercy. They don’t judge. They don’t give second chances. They can’t be reasoned with.
They also don’t send texts to their impending victims, which makes the message I got interesting to say the least. Would’ve been nice if he’d given some basis for demanding my presence. Work is the only thing I can come up with. Either he has a lead on Benjamin Tanner’s case or he’s looking to work with Shifter Affairs. Ella had mentioned about wanting to get an assassin on the docket. Their unique expertise can be invaluable in certain situations.
With that rationale in mind, I climb out of my car and scan the rear parking lot
of the Black Widow. At close to three in the morning, nobody’s around, not even the staff. I turn my attention to the shadows around the apartment over the garage I’m renting. There are no signs of glowing shifter eyes or movement in the shadows around my temporary home. No unusual scents reach me. I don’t see any obvious signs of disturbance. My wolf doesn’t sense anything out of the ordinary either. Had I not known an angel of death was waiting for me, I wouldn’t pick up on danger. I’d walk into my apartment and never walk out.
My fingertips burn with the sharpened press of my claws pushing against the skin. The ache in my jaw reflects the deterioration in my mood too. I’ve always found the assassins’ way of doing things cowardly. I prefer looking my enemy in the eye, letting the felon know he or she won’t be escaping. I suppose that’s the major difference between an agent and an assassin. I seek justice. An assassin will take the life of an innocent as easily as a criminal.
And one of the infamous angels of death wants to talk to me tonight. Alone.
I sweep the lot with my gaze once more, then head to my apartment. Thankfully, it came furnished and hooked up to utilities. I stopped by briefly yesterday afternoon to drop off the few crates and suitcases of stuff I’ve been hauling around with me for ages. I don’t plan on unpacking anything either. At least not until I can get a read on Mya.
The mixed signals she gave me tonight left our future up in the air. My reaction to her anger didn’t help matters. I couldn’t stop it. My relationships with both Anna and Lena made me into the man I am today. I won’t lessen their importance. I sure as hell won’t talk negatively about them either. They’re better than me. So’s Mya. I don’t deserve her any more than I did Lena or Anna, but dammit, I will be the man Mya needs, even if that means we take things slowly.
Now’s not the time or place to be thinking about the future and all the possible paths awaiting me. I could be facing my death.
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