by Tammy Bench
‘You’re as special as it gets, Alice.’
‘I don’t know he’s probably just looking for a snog,’ she answered half-heartedly.
‘Nothing wrong with a bit of a kiss with a fit guy Alice, even I know that,’ Ellie was just as innocent as Alice was, but it didn’t stop her from joining in with a bit of fun every now and then.
‘I guess not?’ Alice glanced over in Steve’s direction. She felt fairly drunk and it was her birthday. Tom didn’t want her, her virginity scared him, what did she have to lose? Maybe if she could bring herself to sleep with Steve, she might be more attractive to Tom. But as soon as she thought it, she pushed it aside. What a stupid, silly desperate, girl thing to think. She would never cheapen herself like that no matter how much she wanted him. God, what was going on in her head?
She grabbed another shot of Tequila and downed it quickly… nothing wrong with a kiss though. She looked over again and this time he was staring at her. An old memory suddenly came back to her. Her grandad, a beautiful rogue soul who had now passed away, once wrote her a little note about life and youth. It had simply said Flirt- Fool- Forget. She hadn’t understood it at the time, but kept it anyway as it held a mystery she one day wanted to solve.
‘Hey Alice, have I wished you a happy birthday yet?’ Steve said as he walked over to her. He plonked himself down on the blanket she sat on. Ellie moved off to talk to someone else.
Subtle.
‘Yeah, I think you did but thanks again,’ Alice smiled at him.
‘Enjoying your party?’
‘Yes, it’s really lovely of everyone to go to the trouble,’ she looked at him, he was a good looking boy, but she felt nothing. People say you need to get back on the horse after a fall so she was willing to go with the flow for now.
‘You’re so worth it. Everyone’s having a good time. Getting a bit drunk. That’s what Hill End’s about at the end of the day… and birthdays of course,’ he smiled at her, his young features so different from Tom’s in close quarters.
‘You want some lager?’ he offered her his can, but she put her hand up quickly and shook her head.
‘I’m good thanks. I’ve had too many shots anyway… I’m feeling it,’ she wobbled her head in a drunk way and he laughed.
‘Fancy a dance then?’ he motioned with his head to the few couples who had paired off and were dancing in front of them. Clearly the drinks were having the desired effect as the boys would never normally dance willingly.
The night had a good vibe, people were enjoying the atmosphere. This was the one of the last times they would socially spend in each other’s company as a group. That was a sad thought, their school days were slipping away. They would never be able to wish them back, just hold on to the defining moments.
‘Why not,’ she whispered.
He smiled at her and held out his hand. They walked to where the others were swaying. He put his arms around her waist and she put hers around his neck and they started to move in that awkward teenage way. It hadn’t felt awkward or teenage with Tom.
‘You alright?’ Steve whispered into her ear. She could smell the lager on his breath so close to her. She nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. He slowly lowered his hands to rest on her bum. After two slow songs he grabbed her hand and tried to lead her away from the others. She pulled back a little, he was obviously going to move in for a kiss.
‘Come on Alice, let’s go for a walk,’ he suggested.
‘No, let’s just stay here.’
‘Come on it’s your birthday, let’s get some privacy,’ he smiled at her and she didn’t know what to do? She closed her eyes and remembered begging Tom to make love to her and she felt sick, totally sick of herself.
‘Okay then a walk,’ she said.
They strolled hand in hand towards the bottom of the field and she heard some of the guy’s cat calling after them. But she really didn’t care.
‘Ignore them, they’re only jealous, you’re the hottest girl here.’
‘I’m flattered,’ Alice smiled, ‘even if it is a lie.’
‘It’s not.’
He led her down a grassy slope and towards some trees. It was quieter down there and without the low light and music they suddenly felt very much alone.
Steve turned around and started to back her playfully towards the trunk of one of the trees, his hands on her waist. Here it comes she thought. What made her think this was going to be a good idea?
‘Can I kiss you?’ he asked his lips almost touching hers and his speech slurring.
‘Um…’ she cringed, not being able to think of any other way out of the situation without looking like a total frigid moron.
He leaned in and pressed his lips hard to her own. His tongue delved into her mouth and he trapped her body between his arms and the tree. She felt sick. The smell of alcohol was making it worse. She felt him move his arms to her sides and stroke up and down her waist. She wanted it over now, it all felt so wrong.
‘You’re so fit,’ he said pulling away for a moment.
‘We should go back, Steve,’ she said just before he lunged at her again. His kiss was wet and drunken and she’d had enough.
She pushed at him gently trying not to hurt his feelings. He suddenly grabbed her breast with his right hand and squeezed. She pushed back harder.
‘No! Don’t do that!’
He stopped and looked at her.
‘Everyone shags at Hill End. Alice, you’re seventeen today you need to loosen up a bit,’ he pushed her back again and tried to continue the kiss. What she wanted was clearly irrelevant.
‘No, I don’t want to, let me go,’ she talked against his mouth. Feeling more and more flustered and scared.
‘Don’t be so tight, Alice! Let’s lay down here for a bit. I’ll make it good for you,’ he was totally drunk. How had she not realised that before? He grabbed for her again. Then a flash of something came out of nowhere.
Tom.
In three seconds she was flung behind his corded body with massive force and he had Steve pinned against the tree, his fists tight and his forearm against his throat, pure rage set his features into those strong angles.
Oh holy shit!
‘Mr Chambers, it’s okay, he’s drunk that’s all!’ Alice shrieked stumbling towards him.
‘Alice, stay back. I heard what he said,’ his Irish accent strong. Not soothing now but hard and menacing.
‘Mr Chambers, we’re just having a laugh, messing around, sir,’ Steve sounded scared.
‘She didn’t sound like she was having a good time to me,’ Tom gritted out.
Stop it please!
‘It’s okay, we’ve had a drink and it’s my fault, I’m so sorry,’ Alice tried again to pacify the situation. Tom turned to look at her. He was so angry. She wrapped her thick cardigan around her body tightly in protection against his stare.
‘You think this is your fault?’ he asked sternly, letting Steve’s shoulder go a little.
‘Our fault?’ she muttered.
Tom turned to Steve, ‘get yourself straight to Mr Griffiths, boy. I’ll let him know what’s been going on, he can deal with you, because right now you really need to be away from me,’ Tom roared inches from his face and then turned to her.
‘Young lady, follow me. You need to sober up and talk me through this episode,’ he spoke to her in his pissed off teacher voice. She didn’t know if he was doing it for Steve’s benefit or if he was indeed a pissed off teacher?
‘Yes, sir,’ she managed.
Tom marched them to the teachers’ block where Mr Griffiths was sipping a hot drink. He pulled him aside and explained the situation.
‘I’ll get the relevant information from Alice, make sure she’s sober and see her back to her room,’ Tom said shaking his head.
‘Okay, Mr Chambers, shall I call his pare
nts?’ Mr Griffiths seemed really annoyed for being dragged in to deal with a drunk student, as it really wasn’t his bag.
‘I’ll leave that up to you, Ernie, but I would certainly consider it,’ he said throwing a dangerous look in Steve’s direction.
‘No problem, Tom, I’ll handle him. You better sort Miss Rutherford out,’ Mr Griffiths tusked to himself.
‘I’ll get to the bottom of it.’
Tom all but frog marched her to his own chalet as soon as Mr Griffiths had disappeared with Steve.
He unlocked the door in silence and held it open for her. She stepped inside the tiny room. It was lit by a single table lamp and his books and papers were scattered across the desk as if he’d been working. He walked in behind her and bolted the door from the inside.
She had no idea what to say to him, or what he would say to her… she didn’t have to wait long to find out.
‘What the fuck was that?’ he shouted swinging round to face her, his eyes filled with anger.
‘I’m sorry, sir…’ she didn’t want to look at him when he was this mad with her.
‘What were you thinking? Getting drunk, letting some boy touch you! Have you lost your mind?’ he hissed wringing his hands together.
Alice started to cry, tears rolled down her cheeks and suddenly she couldn’t stop them.
‘Yes. I think I have, no thanks to you,’ she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.
‘You think I don’t know this is my fault? This is my fault, Alice. But you should never walk off alone with a drunk man, ever. Not to prove a point to me, to yourself or anyone. You’ll get yourself raped or worse!’ Tom cursed, walking towards her now.
‘What do you care anyway? You don’t want me or you can’t let yourself have me. So no one else can, is that it?’ she shouted back at him, screw it, she wanted some control here too.
‘That’s exactly it,’ he growled.
‘Well it doesn’t work like that.’
‘Yes, it does,’ he watched her like she was prey.
‘I’m not yours just because you fill my every thought you know? Because you charge my body with energy and make me feel alive. To be someone’s they have to want you back. Not just stand on the side-lines with an extendable dog lead, pulling at it whenever I seem to be doing something that makes you uncomfortable,’ Alice breathed a lungful of air and continued, ‘Okay it went further than I had wanted tonight and I’m glad you were there when you were, but you can’t play with me like that. You’re not my lover… you don’t want to be. So don’t act like a bloody jealous one whenever you feel like it… I can’t handle this,’ she sniffed.
Tom grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him. His face that was always so expressive, was pained, ‘that’s enough.’
‘It’s not enough.’
‘Do you have any idea how it felt to see you with him tonight? Then, when it became apparent to me you wanted out of that situation and he was touching you… fuck, I couldn’t run there fast enough.’
Alice bit her lip as he swore harshly.
‘Do you know how close I was to punching a young lad, ripping his fucking head off? Do you? I was jealous. Bloody jealous and I don’t care admitting it. Alice, what happened the other night, I wanted to talk to you but you wouldn’t see me. It was amazing but I fucked it up by making you feel unwanted. You are wanted,’ Tom pushed his teeth together, ‘I do want you and I want no one else to have you.’
‘But I’m a virgin, Tom,’ she mocked him slightly, ‘and if we’re being honest I’ve never been any further than that kiss we had. You’re my teacher, twice my age as you pointed out and you can’t deal with that, even if I can,’ Alice sighed at the absurdity of it all.
She let her head fall heavily against his wide chest. An old grey t-shirt stretched tightly over the contours of his hard upper body. She watched the sinews in his lower arms flex near her head as he moved to stroke her hair softly. He was so powerful and real.
‘Honestly I don’t know if I can deal with it, Alice,’ he whispered close to her ear, as he rubbed his cheek against the top of her head, ‘but everything in my body is telling me to kiss you again.’
A LINE IN THE SAND
Thursday 9th November
Tom’s breaths came hard.
What’re you saying?
‘It is?’ she answered, lifting her head and fixing him with her big emerald eyes that were filled with confusion and doubt.
‘Absolutely, how could it not?’
Alice moved closer to his face.
‘But first I want to give you something. You know, in case I mess up and this all goes wrong again,’ Tom moved to the duffel bag that lay open on his bed and fished out a narrow burgundy box and handed it to her, ‘happy birthday.’
‘Really, you got me a gift?’
‘I’d buy you the whole shop if you’d let me. I wasn’t sure if I’d have the chance to give it to you, but…’ he smiled and shrugged.
Tom watched Alice gingerly prise open the little lid. She was so delicate and precious. Could he really do this with her again and hope to survive it?
‘Oh my goodness, it’s beautiful, thank you,’ she looked down at the small gold antique bracelet. Attached to one of the links was a tiny ceramic teapot, painted with pretty pink flowers. Her index finger lightly skimming it with awe, ‘I can’t believe you got this for me.’
He had no idea what to get her, or why he felt he had the right to get her anything at all? A mad, Irish trait of not being able to contain their feelings very well, prevailed and he had walked passed an antique shop and it had caught his eye from the window. The little teapot reminded him of the Mad Hatter’s tea party from Alice in Wonderland.
‘I’m not trying to buy you, Alice,’ he honestly wasn’t.
‘If you were, I’d sell,’ she laughed that breathy airy laugh that never failed to turn him on.
Alice raised her eyes to his face and they were filled with longing.
‘Kiss me,’ her lips trembled as she said the words.
This time he didn’t think, he just moved. Her face in his hands, so soft and warm. His lips met hers and instant heat erupted. She wasn’t so shy this time, her tongue searched for his first, she was trying to lead, but Tom wasn’t going to let her, he liked to be in control. She was shaking again and god help him that turned him on.
When she had told him she had never done anything with anyone else he had felt himself harden with ownership of her. The thought that someone else had dared to kiss her only moments ago made him crazy to remove any memory of it from her mind.
His fingers played with the flowers on the side of her head and he moved his mouth over hers. He pulled away then and she moaned. He scattered little kisses along her jaw line and ear. Tasting her fresh skin and feeling it tremble under his lips.
‘Nice,’ she whispered slightly breathless.
‘Keep the praise coming and I’ll never stop,’ he chuckled.
Just the thought of being able to please her or excite her was like a bloody Olympic gold to him. She made him feel like he was seventeen and kissing the prettiest girl alive and it felt amazing.
Tom could feel the jumping pulse in her neck as he kissed down onto her shoulders. Alice moved her hands and placed them on his chest, he could feel her little fingers moving over the wide expanse of it. It felt as if with every touch she was learning and memorising him.
‘I can’t believe I’m with you. After the other night, when you left me I was sure that this was never going to happen again,’ she placed her palms to his stomach and looked up at him.
‘I was wrong to do that, Alice. I was scared of how I felt when I was with you. I know what you want, I want it too, but whether we can take it there… I don’t know? I can’t say I won’t freak out again because of the circumstances, but I won’t shut you out,’ he kissed her forehead.<
br />
‘I’ll try not to freak out too,’ she laughed.
‘Freak out whenever you want. You have an excuse. You’re carrying on with your fucking teacher. If even for a second you ever feel uncomfortable we stop, okay? We stop it all,’ he needed her to understand what they were doing wasn’t normal and she had a way out anytime she needed it.
‘It’s really weird to hear you swear all the time, you don’t expect it from a teacher,’ she laughed.
Oh.
‘Sorry, I didn’t think. It’s an Irish thing I guess. I’ll try and kerb it.’
Tom felt like a bit of a fool. He hadn’t even realised he was letting that happen, with all the heated conversation it must have been slipping out. His father swore like a trooper and it seemed he was starting to follow suit.
‘Don’t, I like it. The side of you that isn’t a teacher I mean. I like that you’re yourself. The way you talk, the words, it… it kind of excites me,’ she looked away slightly embarrassed.
‘You’re amazing,’ he grabbed her round the waist and pulled her close to him.
‘I know in a while you’re going to say, “you have to go back to your room soon, Alice”, she mimicked his accent to perfection then laughed.
He laughed too.
‘So this is going to sound really adolescent… but… can you take this off?’ she said and lightly tugged at his top.
Tom was shocked, ‘we don’t want to take this too fast, we’re on a school trip, someone could knock on this door at any time, baby.’
He still didn’t know how to do this and with six other teachers only metres away from them he felt massively on edge.
‘I’m not asking for anything else, Tom. I just want to see you,’ her eyes pleaded.
‘Want to inspect the merchandise do you?’ he joked pulling the t-shirt over his head and tossing it on the bed behind them.
He watched Alice back away from him slowly. The back of her knees found his bed, she sat abruptly, and she just looked at him. He had always been fairly confident about his body but no one had ever really studied him before as she seemed to be doing now.