by Tammy Bench
‘What offer? Why didn’t you tell me?’ she blinked.
‘I don’t know,’ he shook his head, ‘I was confused.’
‘About what?’ she whispered.
‘Last weekend I found the pictures you left in my car. It scared me. We look so different… wrong even. It actually turns out I’m old and you looked so innocent,’ he paused and reached for her hand.
‘No,’ she choked, ‘don’t.’
‘Baby, I hated myself for what I had done to you when I saw them. I was disgusted. But I do love you. That hasn’t changed.’
‘You love me? You love me! That’s a lie, Tom. If you loved me you would have looked at the pictures and smiled, laughed, remembered our day together. Not thought of the quickest way to leave me. Not tried to run away,’ she shouted.
Her whole life was suddenly gripped by a crippling fear. He was going to go. He couldn’t go. She had to stop him.
‘Alice, please…’ he started.
‘You’re breaking my heart. Why are you doing this?’ Alice was crying, streams of tears flowing down her face and she wasn’t sure if she could stop them.
‘Alice, please it’s going to be okay.’
‘How’s it going to be okay? Okay for you, in your flash new job? Okay when you’ve finally got rid of me!’ she screamed at him. She couldn’t stop the emotion and the growing need to fight.
Tom stepped back, a look of horror on his face at her outburst.
‘Calm down. I don’t want us to finish. But maybe a break while you do your exams. I could get settled in a new job. We could be together when it’s all over?’
‘In Ireland?’ she said pulling at her hair and sobbing uncontrollably.
He’s killing me.
‘It’s only an hour or so on a plane,’ he looked down and shook his head.
‘Fuck off! Don’t be a coward, Tom. Just say you don’t want me anymore. That you’ve had your fun and now you’ve had enough,’ Alice turned and sprinted away from him further onto the playing field. There was no power left in her legs, but she ran anyway.
Tom started after her.
‘Stop!’ he shouted, slipping slightly on the wet grass and a red biro fell from the pocket of his blazer. He half jumped over it, stumbling again, ‘…shit.’
Alice did stop. She turned to face him.
It had started to rain. The kind of light drizzle that settles on your hair making it wetter than if you’d stepped into a full-on shower. The cold bit into her cheeks and he stopped in front of her.
‘I’ll come with you then. Now, we can just go,’ she begged, ‘I don’t care about anything else… just you. It can all die as far as I’m concerned. It’s you and me, right?’
‘I thought of that. I thought of you coming but it would never work, baby. Your family would never accept us and mine would always look badly upon me… it’s shameful. I don’t know what to say…’ his beautiful eyes looked so scared. He was frightened of the words he was trying to say to her.
‘My sister knows and she’s fine with it and I know they’d all come round in the end if they love us,’ she stated.
‘Your sister knows? What the fuck? I thought I could trust you and all the time you had already told someone, risking my career, risking us?’ Tom’s expression turned dark and angry. How the hell could he be mad at her when he was the one trying to end their relationship?
‘She guessed, Tom. Not that long ago, I was going to tell you, I swear.’
This can’t be it, please god, this can’t be it.
‘What else haven’t you told me?’ he asked, his accent harsh.
‘Nothing. But how can you say this? When you’re the one taking a job in another country without talking to me?’ she reached for him. She needed to touch him, to make sure he was still real, still hers. But Tom stepped back and set his shoulders square.
‘I think we should talk about this tomorrow,’ he muttered looking away.
‘So now I can’t even touch you? Is that it?’
‘Of course you can. I’m not saying that. I’m just saying let’s think this through. We knew we’d have to face this at some point.’
‘Why now? What about upstairs? What we did, is that all gone now too? Were you just getting what you wanted one last time before you drive off into the sunset?’ she wanted to shout every word at the top of her voice. She wanted to let him know how much he was hurting her.
‘Fucking hell, Alice. I would never use you like that. I was going to talk to you, but you started to…’ he shrugged his shoulders in a helpless attempt at explanation.
‘Sorry, yes I seduced you. I held you over the desk and screwed you until you were screaming right?’
I hate you.
No, I hate my skin, my hair, everything that’s not you.
‘Alice, you’re being immature,’ he whispered the last word and she watched him visibly flinch as he said something he couldn’t take back. Something he knew she hated.
It can’t end here, in the rain, at school where I’m still a child to you…
‘Well like you’ve said a million times I am half your age but it’s a shame that didn’t matter when you were taking my virginity!’
Tom’s face turned red, ‘it always fucking mattered. Do you think that I wasn’t thinking of how wrong we were or how wrong I was at that moment? I’m a weak, pathetic excuse for a man and certainly a teacher. You’ll always be the only person I will ever love, Alice. But I don’t think I can do it anymore. I’m not strong enough and you’re not strong enough for both of us. Don’t you understand? I will always truly believe that I wrecked your life,’ he wiped his hand across his eyes. The dampness in the air made his always styled hair, limp and it fell over his forehead dripping wet and mixing with his own tears, ‘…this will affect me forever you know. Not a day will go by that I won’t think of you.’
Don’t do this…
Don’t do this.
‘You’re not leaving me. I won’t let you. I can’t be anything without you. Don’t you understand?’ Alice’s breathing became staggered, sobbing she thought she was going to have a heart attack. She picked up her school bag and launched it at him. It hit him square in the chest and fell to the floor with a wet thud, but he didn’t move.
‘You can be everything without me, in time you will see that, baby.’
Alice rushed towards him and flung herself at him. Tom wrapped his strong arms around her and kissed the top of her head. She started franticly pulling his shirt buttons undone and wildly reaching up to kiss him. But he held her arms still and pushed her gently away from him.
She heard him sob. It was the worst sound in the world and it meant he was serious. Tom was crying and she needed to make it better. She needed him to remember before it was too late. If she could just get him to want her again, he would change his mind. Alice grabbed at him.
‘Alice, please stop,’ he shouted, ‘this won’t make any difference. I’ll want you forever, but I have to think about you. Not what you need right now, but your future. I should have done it a long time ago.’
Alice suddenly stopped crying. Her mood switched and anger rose inside her like a wild beast. Everything he had said to her must have been a lie. Months of ‘I love you’ and it was all bullshit.
‘You’re such a loser. Go, go if you have to! You were never that good anyway. I wish you had never stepped in that night I was with Steve. I could be in a proper relationship, instead I’m with someone who cares more about his reputation and his… his hair than me. Oh no correction, I’m not even with you now apparently!’
I’m sorry, sorry for the things I’m saying, I don’t mean them…
‘Don’t be like that, Alice. You know everything we had we both felt. The memories are the only thing I can take with me, please don’t ruin them. I know you’re hurt. It’s ripping my fucking heart out too,�
� he shouted back at her.
‘Yeah, it really looks like it. You do have outstanding control don’t you, that must be it. Well as soon as you’re gone I’m going to sleep with every man I can… because I don’t care anymore!’ she yelled, ‘and… and what if I’m already pregnant?’
Nothing seemed too low or desperate for her to try at this stage. She didn’t know herself anymore.
‘You’re not pregnant,’ he levelled his eyes to hers, ‘and you won’t sleep around, you’re too important!’
He almost reached out to her, but pulled his hand back at the last second.
‘Oh stop trying to groom me. You’ve been doing that for too long… maybe you really are an actual pervert?’ Alice’s hand shot to her mouth.
That was it. Game over.
Tom’s face filled with a visible rage. He grabbed her arm and pulled it savagely away from her mouth, ‘don’t ever say that to me, that’s fucking disgusting. I never used you like that!’ he boomed at her, his accent was so strong and cutting she only just understood what he’d said.
‘Help!’ she shouted at the top of her voice.
He instantly stepped away from her and dropped her wrist. A wrist he had held in the heat of passion, held when he taught her how to skip stones, bent his head to smell her new perfume and kissed tenderly.
As he let her go, the little bracelet he had given her for her birthday fell to the grass, its thin gold links snapped in two places and the tiny teapot hitting her foot.
‘Look what you’ve done, this is all I have left of you,’ she whispered. Grief and sadness poured from her already tear drained eyes.
‘I can’t do this, I’m sorry… I can’t do this,’ he started shaking his head wildly.
Alice fell to her knees just inches from him, ‘I’m begging you please, Tom,’ her hair stuck to her face that was covered in tears, her nose had started running and her uniform was soaked, ‘I’m begging you on my knees… how can you love me and see me reduced to this?’
Tom took another step back, ‘I can’t do this anymore, I can’t listen to this,’ he turned and started to walk away from her.
‘Tom,’ she called softly. Her hands digging into the soil, like a crazed addict hooked on a now unobtainable drug.
‘I’m going to kill myself…’ she shouted after him. Then she screamed as loudly as her small lungs would let her.
His step faltered when he heard it, he paused, his beautiful proud head dipped further and he walked on. He retrieved his bag from where he had dropped it as he had run after her, how long ago now, she didn’t know?
He’s not yours anymore, you can’t keep him…
‘Tom, you’re so unfair. You can’t do this. Don’t leave,’ she called out, ‘Tom? Tom? Don’t even say goodbye then.’
He already did.
‘I love you,’ she whispered into the ground as she crumbled into a hollow heap of bodily tissue, wet hair and salt-laced tears. The depth and severity of her loss threatened to suffocate and torture her.
She was over.
IT ENDS
Tuesday 12th March
‘Don’t even say goodbye then,’ Alice shouted behind him.
Keep walking. Please just keep walking.
She can’t see you like this.
If she saw him now she would never get over it. He was broken. Everything he loved was gone. But he had to be the bastard she needed him to be. It’ll be easier for her if she hated him.
Stay upright. Just get to the fucking car. One foot in front of the other, you know what to do.
‘Mother fucker!’ he cursed himself.
Tom looked down and he caught sight of the red pen and he felt some strange urge to pick it up and put it back in his pocket.
I should go back to her, she needs me.
He was halfway between his car and Alice now. Had he really just ended the best thing that had ever happened to him?
Yes.
But if he looked behind him he would see the product of his selfish immorality. He was doing this for her and now he must live within the sphere of pain he had created.
His mind wasn’t right.
Dear Alice,
What was he doing?
Dear Alice,
I love you, please don’t ever doubt that. In time you will believe again in what we had and know that it was more real than our next breath ever was.
I have to tell you this now because soon, very soon I won’t be able to function, when the sadness hits me, shock passes and the grief sets in.
I will walk and talk, eat and sleep, but I will only exist.
If I ever had the strength to tell you this to your face, I wouldn’t go, I know I wouldn’t and that would destroy you so much more in the end.
It kills me that I have to think about these things now, the way you make me feel… made me feel, like I was the only man in the world, it was more than I ever deserved.
God, why am I doing this to myself?
I don’t regret what happened though, it taught me so much. The first night I kissed you, I knew we’d be together, no matter what I said at the time… I was just so scared.
Fuck Alice, I’m scared now. Living without you, knowing that you walk this earth and I can’t touch you, be with you, make love to you… oh god don’t let me ever think of you with another man.
I can’t do this anymore, but I also can’t come back to you, I’m so sorry…
From now, until my day of judgement, I swear no one will ever come close to you. No one will ever taint your beauty or chase the memory of you away. I’ll never put you in a box on the shelf – I couldn’t.
Alice Rutherford, it’s cold, dark and windy. You’re standing in front of me, wearing a big red knitted scarf and you’re asking me for a single kiss. You’re trembling, but so very brave.
I’m standing in front of you, confused, but in awe, and for the first time falling in love…
Goodbye baby.
The pain in his chest grew stronger and stronger. His tears flowed more freely with every step he took in the direction of his car. Their bond was being stretched as he walked away, he could feel it. The elastic taut and flat now. His heart being pulled, first through his rib cage, then muscle and tissue and now tugging just behind the surface of his skin.
He reached his car, opened the door, hurled his hurt body inside aggressively and slammed it shut… snap.
The elastic holding them together, broken.
On the concrete, just below the driver’s door of his little blue Peugeot 205, his heart sat, barely beating, in a small gravel filled puddle of Tuesday evening rain.
EPILOGUE
Tuesday 12th march
You’re just a passer-by. Perhaps walking your dog or popping to the shop for milk or an evening paper.
You see a man in his early thirties, handsome and fit, but soaking wet and clearly upset get into a small hatchback car. You see his mouth shouting at no one… he must be shouting at himself you decide, because he’s just started pulling at his hair.
He hits the steering wheel hard with his two fists. His leg kicks out in the confined space of the front seat.
Oh he’s crying.
You think about going over to see if he’s okay? No, that’s rude isn’t it? Or dangerous?
The young man reaches behind him. His left hand running over the back seat. He picks something up. A moment later you see the flicker of a lighter illuminate the car’s interior and the red glowing tip of a cigarette as he drags the smoke into his body.
You should really be getting on.
He leans his head against the window and it again draws your attention. It’s as if he’s looking for something. He must see it because his hand touches the glass and he tries franticly to wipe the raindrops off to see more clearly, but he can’t they’re on the outside.
You can see his eyes are distraught. He’s barely a man now. It’s strange and unsettling. You want to look away, but you don’t. His pain is so tangible, it’s almost infectious and it holds your morbid interest.
He sees you.
He’s angry but you don’t feel scared, he’s clearly not angry with you.
The ignition starts up and the cigarette glows again. The thought, he shouldn’t really be driving, crosses your mind. But you let it go. You can’t stop him.
His engine is loud as he reverses out of the space quickly. He glances into his rear view mirror and his face is full of thunder, anger and despair.
He makes eye contact with you again as he speeds past and for a split second he seems familiar. But then this is the school drive, you walk here often. You may have seen him before, it’s quite possible.
He slams on the brakes as he gets to the junction to turn onto the main road. God, he nearly left that too late to stop.
‘Please be careful,’ you say to the wind as you continue your journey with a heavier heart.
Later that evening, after supper, you find yourself thinking of him again. What the hell was wrong with that man? The following morning he’s there in your mind as you get ready for work and on Thursday you mention it to a co-worker for no real reason other than the day seemed to be dragging and you’d run out of conversation topics.
But by the weekend he’s gone.
The moment you witnessed, filed away forever with a thousand other unanswered questions… and your life goes on.
Alice Rutherford finished her A-levels and later graduated from Cardiff University.
She thinks of Tom often and always fondly, but still feels that tiny stab of inward pain she refuses to let go of… she figures that’s okay though because he’ll always be her first love.
Tom Chambers moved back to Ireland, never returning to Claude Bennett School. He carved out an extremely successful teaching career in the years that followed.
He looks ritualistically at the aging pictures of Alice and himself taken in the photo booth that one perfect day and feels a pull at his heart that hasn’t ever changed.