by Ava Alise
They catch Cam up on the new projects going on at the auto shop, the new hires, and when they plan to open. Cameron announces he has just put a down payment on a new building in New York City that he plans to use as a store front.
I keep noticing the way Mr. Preston keeps looking at us. It’s a proud look, and even though I overheard Chris tell his father that we are only friends, he still looks at us oddly. I guess I am sitting kind of close. It dawns on me in that moment exactly how close we are sitting. I’m literally hugging his arm, and he’s stroking my knee. I don’t think he notices, I didn’t until now. I slowly unwrap myself from him as my heart fills with terror. If I wasn’t sure before, I am now… I’m in love with him. The realization hits me so hard I want to cry. I’m not supposed to be in love with him. It breaks our code, plus there’s Sean… Della. Chris is amazing, but he’s too complicated. I can’t let history repeat itself even if he is willing to give it a shot. I’m in love with him, but I owe her.
I stay quiet for the rest of the visit. It isn’t long before MJ leaves with his grandfather, and Chris and I are headed to my apartment.
We ride in silence. The air is thick between us. I look over at him, but he just smiles and rubs my knee.
Okay, maybe I’m the only one who feels weird.
Shit.
My heart can’t take this. I want so much more of him, but I need so much less. The worst part is the more he opens up to me, the more I fall right in.
No. I don’t fall.
I jump.
I roll around in his world like he is all I need. It’s wrong. I should’ve walked away weeks ago. Back when I started wanting more of him, now I’m constantly looking for a reason, a flaw, to make me want to run, and it doesn’t exist.
He has to know this has gone too far, I can’t be the only one starting to feel; he took me to meet his family for shit’s sake.
MJ is amazing. Chris’ family is amazing! Everything about today and yesterday was perfect, and it’s terrifying.
I can’t do this with him anymore.
God, why’d he have to go and ruin it?!
We could have continued with our ‘borderline-inappropriate-for-fuck-buddies’ relationship while I sorted myself out.
That’s not too delusional, right?
And Sean. What could he have done? Why does everything feel wrong and heavy?
I feel like I’m about to fucking burst, and I can’t sit still. I peek over at Chris as I wonder if he’s noticing me fidgeting.
The car slows, and we pull into a FastMart gas station.
“I’ll be right back; do you want anything?” he asks.
“No. I’m okay.”
I watch as Chris heads into the gas station, walks around for a few minutes and then begins to leave. Right before he makes it to the door, he turns to the counter, seemingly grabs something random and pays. While the cashier is processing his payment, he drops his head and takes a deep breath.
Did he only pull over to have an excuse get out of the car?
“Alright, sexy, sorry about that,” he says, sliding into his seat.
“It’s fine.”
He nods and starts the car, pulling back onto the road.
I hate this. I’m not ready for this to be over.
The sunlight turns into a dull glow behind the trees as we quietly make the drive back to my apartment. There is no doubt about it now, things are awkward, and its taking up so much space between us, I can barely breathe. I can only imagine what’s going through his head. He probably thinks I hate his family, or worst, MJ was too much. I could reassure him, but what good would that do? What good would it do to reassure him of how perfect we are together, when things are already out of hand?
Chris pulls into my apartment complex and drives toward my building.
He sighs.
He fidgets.
He runs his hand through his hair and sighs again. I’m about to ask him what’s wrong, but without warning, pulls over and shuts the car off.
“What are we doing here, Chris?” I ask, noticing we are about five buildings from where we should be.
“Red, I like you too much, I want you… too fucking much.”
I don’t breathe, I don’t blink. I’m stuck in a trance, savoring and dreading his terrifying, amazing words.
“I’m sorry. I feel like a pussy for admitting this, but I can’t be this for you anymore. It hurts to hold you, fucking hurts to let you go. Every time I convince myself that I’m not falling for you, I fall further,” he swallows hard.
I try to hold his gaze, but I can’t. I’m trying with all my might to hold in my tears.
“I don’t know how to do this, Red. It’s not my thing, fucking is my thing, but everything is starting to merge. The pleasure I get from making you cum feels just as good as when I make you smile. I love hearing you laugh, just as much as making you scream. You are the first person I want to tell things to and the only person I want in my bed.”
My heart fills and breaks rapidly as I melt.
Chris blows out a breath and runs a hand down the back of his head.
“I didn’t know how it would all fit. MJ is everything to me, and no one has ever made me want to change our life together before you. I used to think adding a girl would cause stress, and regret. The only thing causing me stress and regret right now is trying to pretend I’m not completely in love with you Red. I’m so far fucking gone baby.”
I stop breathing and try to swallow, but my mouth is dry. I might die, I totally could. How can the best damn thing I’ve ever heard, also be the worst? A feeling so amazing and raw and intense but also heart shattering.
“I know this is not what we’re doing and I’m sorry. I also know you’ve got your shit, but I can’t go back to having you halfway. So, I want you to think about it. If you feel like I think you do, then I want to give you all of me, but only if I can have all of you.”
My heart doesn’t know how to react, there’s too much pain, too much love. Tears roll hot down my cheeks as I kiss him, savoring his lips, loving everything about him, but knowing our fate.
I pull away and meet his eyes.
“I’m sorry, Chris,” I sob. “I’m sooo sorry.”
His brows crease. I open the door and leave my heart in his car, as I walk the rest of the way home completely broken.
LIZ
Week one with no Chris was uncomfortable, week two has been unbearable. Chris is in love with me and it felt so good to hear him say it. I wanted to cry and kiss him but run and scream at the same time.
I guess I kind of did a little of both.
It’s been exactly fifteen days since I last kissed him, felt my heart smile. It’s been fifteen horrible fucking days of walking around more numb and dejected than I have since the day Della died. I know it’s for the best, but I miss him so damn much. Sean still hasn’t reached out; I don’t know what to do about him. I don’t know what I’m doing period. I should have never listened to Brooke and her crazy theories about love. I should have just stayed away from it all. I can’t say I’m better off now than I was when I stayed in bed.
I haven’t gone for a run, I’m barely sleeping, I’m on total robot mode. I go to school, I eat, I rinse and fucking repeat. Ros and Tank have been driving me crazy since I’ve been skipping lunch. They made me promise to sit with them today, so, here I am. In a courtyard full of annoying students, in the annoying sun, with the annoying birds, heading to the annoying café.
Ros has texted me three times in the past twenty minutes asking where I am. Better late than never right? I don’t know, maybe I need my friends; it may brighten my spirits some.
“Aye Zee. Bout time,” Tank greets me with a smile.
Ros is sitting next to him, clutching a strawberry smoothie. I offer a grin, and slide in the booth opposite them.
“What’s going on, hunny?” she asks.
“Nothing. Class ran a little late,” I lie.
Ros narrows her eyes, but before she can question
me, I start talking.
“So, Tank, what’s going on in your world?”
“Well, I’ve been considering applying to Emory for spring semester. They have a great Biopharmaceutical program.”
“That’s great!” I say, “I thought you were taking a year off.”
“I had planned on it, but I figured with you two leaving, why not just get it the hell over with.”
I smile at him. I hated the idea that the three of us would be split up next year.
“So, what’s up with y’all? No crazy shit for a change?” Tank asks, taking a large bite from his burger.
“Funny,” Ros says. Tank nudges her and she laughs.
“Lizzie, tomorrow I have a dentist appointment and they are giving me the laughing gas. Will you go with me?” Ros says.
“You better go Zee. Remember what happened the last time she had the gas? She drooled like a St. Bernard and scared all the neighbors,” he laughs.
I can’t help but laugh, as Ros stares daggers at Tank.
“Sure, I’ll go. Meet me at my parents’ house in the morning, I’ll be there tonight.”
She nods, and playfully elbows Tank; he pinches her nose and tickles her ribs causing her to laugh out loud.
I watch two best friends play and laugh, and it isn’t long before my own mood begins to lighten. After lunch, I don’t feel like running, so I call an Uber to take me home. Ros come in a few hours later in a very pissy mood. She doesn’t want to talk, so I drown my sorrows alone with a big bowl of triple chocolate fudge ice cream.
An hour later, a muffled honk seeps through the walls of the apartment and almost instantly, my phone dings.
MOM: HEY BABY, I’M HERE.
My mother’s green eyes greet me as I get into the car. I smile, but she sees right through it.
“What’s going on sweetie?” she sighs, wrapping an arm around my shoulder.
“I just wanted to come home for a while, that’s all.”
Concern drips from her lashes and her skin pales with worry as she puts the car in drive, and pulls away. Mom is a beautiful blonde, but I am told I look more like my father. I definitely took more of his African American skin tone and brown hair, but my mother likes to say I have a perfect natural tan.
My hand runs along the wall in the living room of my childhood home. Touching the notches my mother carved over the years that measured Della and my height. Over the patch my father plastered, when Della punched a hole in the wall, trying to hang a picture. This was our home. Outside of being in the hearts of everyone that loved her, Della doesn’t exist anywhere else but in this house. All the memories, pictures, art projects, and everything is still the same as it was before she died. I’m not going to lie, at first; it hurt a lot coming over here. Della being so present in this house was a constant reminder that she wasn’t actually here anymore. That turned into a constant reminder of WHY she isn’t here anymore.
I take my time, looking at every portrait and snap shot as I ache for my sister. I needed to come here. I need to remind myself that I’m doing the right thing, that I made the right choice to walk away from Chris. Sean and I will figure it out. If not, then another guy like him. One with an uncomplicated life. A suit and tie guy that Della would be proud of because I can’t let her down again.
Coffee and hazelnut scents the kitchen causing my mouth to water. I don’t usually drink coffee this late at night, but I’m looking forward to the comforts the creamy beverage gives. I join my mother at the counter, as we savor in our sugar and cream induced bliss. Thank god for decaf.
“So your father won’t be back until Monday, but before he left, we were talking about your graduation gift.” She smiles.
“Yeah?”
“Yes. Since you’re leaving us and moving all the way to Atlanta, we thought you may need a car.” I see her looking at me out of the corner of my eye, but I sigh, blow on my coffee, and avoid her gaze.
“Mom, I’m still not ready.”
“But it’s been years since…” She sighs, cutting her words.
“What’s been going on with you, sweetie? You look sad.”
“Nothing. Like I said, just needed to come home.”
She doesn’t buy it.
“Okay.” She shrugs.
I sigh and feel a little guilty for bullshitting her, especially when she knows I’m doing it.
“Well, I just needed to come home to breath for a minute and think. Make sure I made the right decision about this guy.”
“This guy? Who is ‘this guy”? Are you and Sean not trying to work things out anymore?”
“I don’t know. Things are getting weird with us, and I’ve been hanging out with Chris a lot. I really like him, too much. Too much to be trying to fix things with Sean.”
“So, why not try things out with him? Does he feel the same way?”
”He told me he’s in love with me,” I say, my voice comes out soft and mournful as tears sting my eyes. Attempting to hide them, I turn from my mother briefly to blink them away.
“And,” she presses.
I hold her star as I try to swallow my words, but my heart is bleeding and I can never play pretend for too long with her.
“And I’m in love with him,” I exhale, “but it doesn’t matter. He isn’t right, and I can’t keep making the same mistakes over and over.”
A crease appears in my mother’s brow. “What do you mean? Is this about Grayson, Liz?”
“Yes… No. I don’t know,” I say, shaking my head quickly. “I’m okay, though.”
My mother looks at me untrusting and I stand, grabbing both of our coffee mugs and place them in the dish washer.
“Want to go on a run with me in the morning?” I say, trying hard to change the subject. She resigns to a sigh and a nod as I kiss her cheek and head off to bed.
I’m crying. I’m alone. Grayson didn’t come home again; it’s after 2:30am. 4329 Birch ST Apartment 10. Is what he texted me, but he called me Kelly. My running shoes are the nearest to me, so I slide into them and grab my coat. I can’t breathe. Why would Grayson do this to me? I’m good to him. I can’t stop crying. I text Della. I don’t notice my cell phone ringing until it’s too late. Della calls again, I answer, but I can’t speak. I’m too devastated. My heart hurts. Della tells me not to move and she will be there in a second.
I’m still crying as I hit the gas. I’m going too fast, but I don’t care. Grayson will pay for this. Della pleads with me to slow down, much like she pleaded with me to wait until morning to face him. I ignore her. All I can hear is my heart breaking. I make it to 4329 Birch Street apartment 10. I bang on the door. I yell. Della waits in the car. The door opens. I push through the house, full of people, but in search of one. I find him. His pants at his ankles and a girl on her knees. He doesn’t see me until I slap him. He chases me. I cry. I run. I make it to my car. He stumbles, he’s drunk. He’s sorry. He loves me. I hate him. My car starts. Della says something, but it’s muffled by Grayson’s banging on the window. He begs me not to leave. I drive away. Della says something, but it’s muffled by my sobs. The light is red. I stop. I wipe tears away. Della says something, but it’s muffled by the sound of a loud muffler. Grayson’s muffler. Grayson is coming. He isn’t stopping. My body jerks forward and the feeling of weightlessness takes over.
Crashing.
Crunching.
Everything is loud.
Everything is silent.
There’s blood.
We were pushed into oncoming traffic… and Della isn’t moving.
LIZ
I feel the burning wetness of my tears before I feel the bed shift beneath me, before I feel her arms around me.
I scream.
I cry.
It’s my fault.
“LIZ, WAKE UP, BABY!” my mother says.
She rocks me.
“No! No! No!” I repeat, as I lose control of my breathing.
“Please… I’m sorry!” I cry.
“BABY. IT’S OKAY. YOU�
�RE OKAY!” she repeats my mantra.
She rocks.
“Just breathe, Liz. BREATHE.”
I can’t breathe.
I curl into her and cry. I cry until my eyes are too swollen to open. Mom cries with me.
“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” she repeats holding me tightly.
“It isn’t okay. It will never be okay,” my voice cracks, “if I would have just listened… she—”
“No,” she says sternly.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself for this. A very bad thing happened and that’s it. You had absolutely no control over it!”
“We don’t always understand why things happen the way they do, but you can’t live on ‘what if’s’, Liz.”
“IF I WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO HER IN THE FIRST PLACE WE WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN THERE! IF I WOULD HAVE NEVER CHOSE GRAYSON…” My words are swallowed again, drowned in my pain.
“Grayson?” she sniffs. “GRAYSON?” she says, louder.
I nod, overcome by tears, unable to speak.
“No, baby, you’ve got it all wrong. It was never about Grayson. Yes, he was misguided, irresponsible, and his actions hurt a lot of people, but we have known him and his family all our lives. He’s not a bad person. It was just a horrible thing that happened, Liz. A HORRIBLE THING,” she breathes and clears her face of tears.
“Della didn’t want you to be with Grayson because of you, not him. She knew that you would never grow and become the amazing person you have become with him. You wanted so badly to fix his problems that you put your entire life on hold, but that was a testament to how amazing you are. It had nothing to do with him. She just wanted you to be with a guy that allowed you to be the best you, that’s all.”
We cry.
She wipes my tears and dries her own.
“You can’t keep carrying this around with you baby. If this is why you…” she clears her throat and sterns her expression, holding my gaze. “If this is why you walked away from your ‘this guy’ then you need to think long and hard about your reasons. If the only reason is Della, then you are making a mistake, because she always wanted you to be happy.”