by Ronica Black
“I think you don’t know what you want,” Johnnie said.
Elaine nodded. “I do actually. I just have to accept I can no longer have it.”
Johnnie continued to stare out at the storm. “I’m kind of in the same boat. I can’t have what I want.”
Elaine snuggled closer in the blanket. The earth smelled fresh and clean around them. The cave dark and dank. She felt safe there, especially with Johnnie. She hadn’t noticed, but her body had slowed with the thrumming and settled into a peace, a heavy peace, as if she’d need to be carried back to her car. When she called for Barb, she could feel her, but it wasn’t a panicked need to feel her. It was a presence. A slowly fading presence, letting her know it was okay. As for her own soul, it had been stirred, awakened, and shoved back inside, and she felt a little strange, as if it weren’t all fitting the parts it should.
“I feel like I need to see Barb,” Elaine said.
Johnnie turned. “I needed to see myself.”
“You’ve done such a great job,” Elaine said, thinking about all she’d been through in the past and how well she had recovered from it.
Johnnie came to sit next to her once again. “I came up here to heal, to explore, to find.”
Elaine saw the determination in her eyes. “I did too.”
“Yet, here we are. The universe throws us together again.”
“Maybe it knows what it’s doing.”
“Maybe.”
“Johnnie, I want to kiss you. I could kiss you. We could make love right here in this cave in the rain in the red rocks. It would be magnificent.”
Johnnie closed her eyes as if imagining. “Yes.”
“Do you want that?”
Johnnie opened her eyes. “No. I want all of you. Not a piece.”
Elaine felt her eyes flutter. “I think that’s the best answer I’ve ever heard.”
“Yeah, well, it sucks to have to say it.”
“God, you are so romantic yet you know how to kill it in an instant.”
Johnnie laughed. “Give me a chance,” she said. “I’ll give you more romance than you could ever handle.”
“I hope to do just that.”
They sat in silence for a while. A slab of sunlight angled into the cave.
“So we’ve agreed we cannot act on our feelings of attraction,” Elaine said.
Johnnie stood and took her hand. “For now, let’s get you dressed and get back to your car. You need a hot shower.”
Elaine smiled. “Ever the worrier.”
“Some things die hard,” Johnnie said.
Chapter Fifty-three
Johnnie walked into Henry’s, opened the fridge, and sucked down a Smartwater. Jolene was humming at the table, making a craft. She didn’t look up.
“You smell like rain.”
“Yeah, well, I got caught in it.”
“On purpose?”
“Not exactly.”
Jolene looked up. “You’ve been to the cave.” Johnnie wiped the chalkiness from the cave floor off her shorts.
“Aren’t you going to ask about my shirt and jacket?”
Jolene continued to work on her project. “If you wanted me to know you’d tell me.”
Johnnie shook her head. “Sometimes, Jolene, you are maddening.”
Jolene didn’t look back up. “Go shower, or go sit outside and take in more wet earth. You’re bothering me.”
“Where’s Henry?”
“He went to meet with a white girl.”
Johnnie shoved off to the bedroom where she unpacked clean clothes and turned on the shower in the bathroom. The warm water felt good and she lathered the storm away, but she couldn’t wash Elaine from her mind. Once again, she was first and foremost, and Johnnie had tried not to think about her nude from the waist down. But now she thought about it. Wondered what it would’ve been like to touch her beneath the blanket. To take her mouth into hers, taste the rain on her cool skin. To hear her sigh, possibly moan as she kissed her back.
And then she thought about how Elaine would’ve pushed her away. Said no, they couldn’t. Johnnie knew how hard it would have been to stop. How it would’ve stabbed her gut to hear those words. No, it was better this way. They had done the right thing.
She killed the water and stepped from the tub. She dried quickly, dressed, and walked back to the kitchen. Jolene was out back; Johnnie could see her lit up by the fire pit. She was no doubt roasting corn. She might even be making fry bread. Johnnie pushed out the door, inhaled the energy of the fresh stars, and joined her. She sank into a chair, watched the far off lightning and recalled how beautiful and yet how vulnerable Elaine had looked when all wet. She’d been talking in the vortex, moving in circles, eyes to the sky. She’d been feeling something. And as badly as Johnnie hated interrupting her, she was about two seconds away from getting struck by lightning.
“You’re different,” Jolene said, poking at foil covered corn with a stick.
“I had a good sweat,” she said, referring to day before yesterday. She planned on having two more before she left.
“No, from today. Your energy. You’ve found it and controlled it.”
Johnnie stared into the fire. “I wish it felt that simple.”
“It never will. Words can never do what we feel justice.”
They sat in silence and Johnnie eased into the blanket of Jolene’s silent embrace. She snuggled up there and pulled up her hood on her ASU sweatshirt.
When the corn and potatoes were done, they ate. When Henry returned, he joined them, bringing out the chili beer. They sat under the bright clean sky, and watched the fire dance and sparkle with personality. Johnnie didn’t tell them about Elaine. She didn’t need to. It was her moment. Hers and Elaine’s. She knew she’d never forget it. And if she told, it might dissipate somehow.
“I’m off to bed,” she finally said. Henry nodded and finished his beer.
“I have a white woman coming tomorrow,” he said.
Johnnie gave a wave and headed off. Henry helping people wasn’t new. But he was very picky about his clients. The woman must need help and be very special. She decided to wake early and try to leave before she arrived, leaving Henry and Jolene to do their thing.
Chapter Fifty-four
The day was bright, scrubbed clean from more late showers the night before. Elaine could still smell the moist earth, and she climbed from Michael’s Mercedes and stretched. She was in a good but anxious mood. Henry’s house looked safe enough, but she wasn’t really worried about her safety. She was worried about what lay harbored inside her.
“Check out that metal sculpture,” Michael said, pointing, then removing his designer shades. “That is incredible.”
“Mm.” She glanced up and down the street and found it quiet. Two other trucks sat in the driveway. One older, maybe seventies. The other she couldn’t quite make out. “He’s expecting us, right?”
Michael rounded the car and took her hand. “Yes.”
They walked to the front door, but a voice called from around the back of the house.
“Hello,” Henry called, greeting them with a smile. He wore old jeans, a turquoise squash belt buckle, a button-down shirt, and a turquoise bolo tie. He smelled of coffee. Elaine liked how his hair was smoothed back from his forehead and then tied into a long silver braid. She had liked him at once the day before when they’d met for coffee.
He was soft-spoken, sincere, had kind brown eyes hidden by webs of wrinkles. He hadn’t promised anything, hadn’t spoken of money. He’d only cared about her story. At one point, he’d even covered her hand with his own.
“You’re nervous,” he said, leading them into the back. “It’s normal.”
She exhaled and laughed nervously. Michael once again ripped off his shades to take in the art. He walked to each statue and touched it. He was sold. Elaine had never seen him so excited about art before. She wondered if he’d brought his checkbook.
“I have one in the work shed that’s for you,” He
nry said. “Started it two weeks ago for a white man. Didn’t know who, but I knew he’d be coming here.”
“No shit?” Michael said. He shook his head. “Sorry. I just got excited.”
Henry laughed. “We will look at it later. Right now we need to take care of Elaine.”
They walked to the fire pit, and Elaine noted the small hut. Her heart fluttered. She didn’t like tight spaces, but Henry said the flap would be left open for the first ceremony. She stood next to him at the fire pit and he tied on a bandana with an elaborate design on it. He held out his hand. He led her to the hut.
“I’ve painted for you,” he said. “With the sand.”
She nodded.
“You must strip and sit on it. It is the only way it can pull the negative from you. Then when you’re finished, I mix the sand together with the earth and return it all to the earth and away from you.”
She swallowed. It didn’t sound so bad. “I’ll leave you now, to remove your clothes.”
He walked away and Michael went with him. Elaine slowly undressed and entered the hut. She found it cool and the sun angled in on her sand painting. It was so beautiful and precise she hated thinking about destroying it. But she did as instructed and sat on it.
Henry then peaked inside. “You ready?”
He entered and began to chant. She knew from his earlier instruction that she was to sit quietly. The sand painting was for healing he’d said, and he only did it for those in dire need. He’d asked her to tell no one about it. For it was still considered sacred.
She closed her eyes as he continued, and then when he finished, he left her alone with her thoughts. He told her to think of Barb, the accident, anything that caused her pain. She focused and brought up the pain, which seemed on the brim after the long chant. She fought the tears, wiped them away, but then let them fall into the dirt. The earth could have them.
When she was ready, he came in, did another chant, and then had her stand as best she could. He chanted as he destroyed the painting, returning it to the earth.
Then he led her from the hut where a woman who looked like him waited with a robe. When the woman saw her, she looked away quickly and excused herself. Michael came to her side. “How was it?”
“Different,” she said.
“How do you feel?”
She breathed deeply. “Lighter.”
He smiled. “Good.”
She looked around, and when she saw Henry, she asked to use the restroom. He told her where to go in the house and then said his sister, Jolene, should be able to show her. Elaine set off, walking barefoot through the dirt to the back patio. She entered the sliding glass door and turned right down the hall. She heard hurried voices and she paused, recognizing one and then hearing her name. And then she remembered Johnnie talking about a Jolene. And yesterday she had mentioned a Henry. Her stomach flipped.
Suddenly, Johnnie stepped into the hallway, completely nude, wet from an apparent shower.
Chapter Fifty-five
Elaine blinked, completely confused. She turned away once she realized she was staring.
“Elaine, I know this looks bad. Strange. Whatever.”
Elaine turned to look at Jolene, all of it sinking in. “So you’re Jolene.” She held out her hand, trying to control her racing emotions. “Elaine.”
Jolene took it, too stunned to speak. Johnnie, however, was speed talking, completely panicked. “See, I didn’t know it was you. We didn’t know it was you. If I had known, I would’ve left and—”
“Johnnie please put on some clothes,” Elaine whispered, heat kissing her skin from the sight. She looked better than she could’ve ever imagined. Curved and carved with muscle and full round pale breasts. She had the urge to walk up to her, run her hands up her arms, and skim her nipples with the backs of her fingers causing them to awaken, harden.
When their eyes met, Elaine knew Johnnie could sense her thoughts, for she blushed, clenched her jaw as if trying to fight her own feelings, and excused herself into a bedroom. Jolene pushed open the bathroom door and smiled politely.
“You can shower between ceremonies,” she said. “Most people like to.”
Elaine smiled. “Thanks.”
She took a quick shower, her mind reeling with having run into Johnnie yet again. And as she washed away the remnants of her ceremony, she was surprised at how little her mind returned to Barb and what she’d just done to purify herself and her mind. Maybe it had helped. But now she had to deal with Johnnie. How could she conquer those thoughts?
She finished drying with a thick white towel and then re-emerged to find all of them outside, awaiting her return. Michael looked upset, and the rest looked worried.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
Henry spoke. “Given the circumstances, we weren’t sure if you wanted to continue.”
Elaine hugged herself and then fingered wet hair. It smelled like Johnnie’s must smell. The realization excited her a little.
“You mean quit?”
“Because of me,” Johnnie said. “I’ve interfered.”
“No.” Elaine shook her head. “Absolutely not. I need this. And you haven’t interfered. We just ran into one another again. That’s not anyone’s fault.”
Michael pushed out a sigh of relief.
Henry spoke. “Johnnie, you should go.”
Johnnie nodded in agreement.
“Yes,” Jolene said. “She will go.”
Johnnie started to walk away, but Elaine asked her to wait up. They stopped on the patio while the others remained behind.
“You don’t have to run off,” Elaine said. She felt terrible; these were Johnnie’s friends, her territory.
“I should, yes,” Johnnie said. Her wet hair came down to tickle her brow, and she brushed it back and sank a casual hand in her pocket. The sight took Elaine’s breath away. She stood studying her in a black tee and faded jeans. “It’s best for you,” she added.
Elaine saw the look in her eyes. The kind concern. The empathy. She knew there was no use in arguing. Johnnie wanted what was best for her and she’d do whatever necessary. But there was something she could do.
“Michael,” she called out.
He trotted up to her. “Yes?”
“Give Johnnie your key to the condo. She can go hang out there.”
He didn’t hesitate. “Good idea.” He fished in the pocket of his pressed jeans and handed over the key. He gave her the address and Johnnie nodded.
“I know that place,” she said. “We’ve had friends stay there.”
She took the key, eyes locked back on Elaine. “If I go and hang there, will you promise to stay here and let Henry help you?”
Michael smiled. “I like this woman.” He shoved Elaine playfully.
She sighed. “Yes.”
“Okay. Call me when you’re finished.” She looked at Elaine for a long moment before turning to leave.
“I like her a lot,” Michael said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and turning her back toward Jolene and Henry. “Tell me again what your deal is…why you haven’t asked her to marry you yet?”
She shoved him back. Henry held out a hand for her and helped settle her into a chair. He handed her a bottle of tepid water.
“Did you eat a light breakfast?” he asked.
“I did.”
He nodded. She’d followed his instructions exactly.
“You’re going to go into the hut. There will be steam as I add water to the hot rocks. It will be pressing, uncomfortable. It may feel hard to breathe. Since you’ve got medical issues, I will be going in with you.”
She agreed. It was a good idea and it helped her anxiety. “We will stay inside until I feel you are ready to emerge. When you emerge, we will rub dirt on ourselves to clean away the bad, the unhealthy. We will rehydrate you. And if we feel it necessary, we will go again after a while.”
“Okay.”
She drank the water, tried to relax, but it was impossible. Henry busied him
self moving hot rocks from a low burning fire into the hut. When he finished he brought in a bucket of water, and she saw steam rise from the cupfuls he poured on. He came back out of the flap without the water. Then he approached her.
“Are you ready?”
She nodded and looked to Jolene for support. Jolene encouraged her quietly, helping her stand. She walked her to the flap where steam was still escaping. She helped her out of her robe. Beside her, Henry undressed as well. He entered the hut first and stuck out a hand for her. She took it and pushed through the flap. The small hut was full of steam and it was difficult to see Henry.
“Sit across the rocks from me,” he instructed her.
She sat and crossed her legs, lotus style. Henry did the same. He began to chant, to sing. Elaine closed her eyes, doing her best to take steady breaths. Her head spun a bit and then she felt sweat bead her body. Soon she was slick with it and she was wiping her face and brow. It was so hot, humid, heavy.
Henry stopped singing and encouraged her to breathe deeply, allow the thoughts to come and go. To feel whatever came.
She again closed her eyes and breathed deeply. Her body felt heavy yet light. She felt one with the ground beneath her. As if she could ooze down into the dirt and disappear. She grew sleepy and relaxed. She was about to drift away when she heard a voice calling her.
“Barb?” She clenched her eyes, afraid if she opened them, she’d lose the voice.
“Lainey, I’m here. I’m always here.”
Elaine began to cry. “Where? I miss you so much.”
“I’m still with you. Every day. Every moment.”
“I can feel you,” she said, reaching out for her.
“Because I’m in here, right inside your heart.”
“But I want to touch you, hold you.”
“All you have to do is close your eyes and think of me and you can.”
“But it’s not good enough, I want more.”
“You can have more, Lainey. With the other who’s meant to love you.”
Elaine cried again, opened her eyes, searching desperately. All she could see was Henry adding more water to the rocks. “I hear her,” she said.