by Rebecca Reid
She knew that it had been a girl, the baby. It was more than some vague feeling. Roo had said that it was a waste of money, but Lila had dragged him to Harley Street for an early scan where they’d confirmed that there was a heartbeat and taken her blood. Then the blood had been whizzed away to some lab somewhere and they’d done all sorts of tests and rang her back to say congratulations Mrs Brear, you’re having a little girl.
After the miscarriage, Roo had told her she shouldn’t have had the scan. ‘Next time,’ he’d said, ruffling her hair, ‘We won’t get your hopes up. That’s why the NHS don’t let you find out what flavour it is until three months, to avoid stuff like this. Cheer up.’
But she hadn’t cheered up. And Roo had found it harder and harder to understand why. The first day or two he’d been sweet while she lay on the sofa and watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Then he’d been tough, trying to make her come for a long walk with him, telling her that if she didn’t start getting out of bed he’d cancel the nanny so that she’d have to get up and look after Inigo herself. And then, when he realized that this was what she was like now, that she was a sad person – for a while at least – he simply stopped bothering. He took to coming home late. He didn’t ask about her day. Some nights they didn’t even talk at all. He’d walk in, kiss Inigo’s sleeping forehead and then head straight for the spare room to watch the huge television. Lila would lie on the green sofa in their living room – the sofa they’d chosen together when they’d bought the house, the sofa they used to get merrily pissed on and order takeaways or lazily fuck on, on Sunday afternoons – and think about how much happier they would probably all be if she just disappeared like her daughter had done.
NOW
Nancy
The passion fruit on Nancy’s plate shone, slick and yellow. She closed her eyes and turned it to frogspawn, quashing the ache in her stomach. Nancy knew that Georgia had a clever trick when it came to dinner parties. She always served tiny portions. That way everyone had to ask for seconds or finish their plates at the absolute least. God knows where she’d learned it, Nancy couldn’t imagine Georgia’s parents had been much for entertaining.
‘Brett, I want to hear all about America,’ slurred Lila.
‘What do you want to know?’
It was tempting to ask Lila quite what she was going to learn about an entire country while undressing Brett with her eyes. But there was no point. Lila was no threat. There would be no chance that Brett would be even the slightest bit tempted by Lila. Her head kept tipping forward showing a long stripe of dark at the roots. Someone clearly hadn’t bothered to have their hair done for a while. The coffee she had managed to spit everywhere had stained her blouse. Her fingernails were uneven scraps, bitten down, ugly and raw on the stubs of her fingers. Looking at Lila was depressing. Everything about her screamed ‘help me’. It was so sad. She had been stiff competition once – the default second choice for anyone who wasn’t brave enough to try it on with Georgia. Nancy had been considered the least desirable of the three back then. Dark-haired, opinionated. Not Barbie enough for the kinds of boys that they spent time with. That was why she felt pleased with Lila’s state. It was perfectly natural. Not nice, perhaps, but natural.
She had seen a therapist when she first moved to Boston. Everyone else did it, and she was curious to learn more about herself, to see what someone who studied the human mind might make of her. Nancy had made an appointment to see a middle-aged man with an office in a skyscraper.
It hadn’t gone well. Everything about him from his bow tie to his little round glasses was contrived. He was trying to force her into feeling safe and comfortable when everything about this situation was artificial and wrong.
For every three true things she told him she would also tell him one lie, and would watch to see whether he noticed that she was lying. He never questioned her, but after a few weeks his PA had rung Nancy to say that he was having to reduce his client list and would no longer be able to see her. He could recommend several colleagues who were extremely talented.
Nancy had won.
‘Everyone start,’ said Georgia, lifting her spoon. ‘I hope it’s OK,’ she said, prompting them all to respond. Predictably, her comment was met with a wash of compliments.
‘It’s divine,’ said Roo, his eyes on Lila. ‘I can’t remember the last time I had a proper pudding.’
‘Probably the last time you cooked one,’ said Lila, still looking at Brett.
‘Pudding,’ said Brett, doing a British accent. ‘I love the way you guys say that.’
‘Pudding,’ repeated Lila in an exaggerated accent, laughing. Surely she wasn’t drunk enough to think that this was legitimately funny?
‘How’s work?’ Nancy asked Charlie, fixing him with her eyes. ‘Last time I saw you it was the election.’
‘He won,’ said Georgia, smiling as she put her spoon to her lips.
Charlie blushed. ‘Well, it’s a bloody safe seat and the other candidate wasn’t much cop.’
‘You did brilliantly,’ said Georgia.
‘Hear hear!’ said Roo, sloshing more wine into his glass. ‘To Charlie.’
‘It was months ago,’ he protested, his hands over his face, as the others raised their glasses. ‘But thank you.’
‘You showed that fat bitch who was boss!’ laughed Roo. Nancy turned her torso, watching him. There was a smudge of cream above his top lip and his hairline was receding. How was he still managing to fuck these women, these mistresses of his?
‘I’m sorry?’ she asked.
Roo laughed. ‘Uh-oh, now I’m in trouble.’
Nancy folded her napkin in her lap. ‘Not at all.’
‘You’re not going to tell me off?’ said Roo, making a face. ‘That makes a change.’
‘I’m not sure you’re interested in a discussion,’ she replied evenly. Winding her up was Roo’s hobby. She wasn’t going to rise to it.
‘Oh come on, she was a fat bint, aren’t I allowed to say that? Aren’t we allowed to say anything any more?’
‘You’re arguing with yourself,’ she said, taking a tiny dip into the passion fruit. ‘I haven’t said anything.’
‘You didn’t need to,’ said Roo. ‘Look at your face.’
‘Perhaps you should start judging women on what they say rather than what they look like,’ she replied, the words escaping her before she could stop them. She heard Brett laughing from the other side of the table. Roo looked up.
‘You think that’s funny, mate?’
Brett stopped laughing. ‘Sorry.’
‘Don’t apologize,’ said Nancy.
‘Does anyone want more pudding?’ asked Georgia brightly.
‘Me!’ shouted Lila.
‘How can you want more when you haven’t even finished your first portion?’ asked Georgia. Nancy looked up to see how full Lila’s plate was, and noticed Brett put his fingers to his lips and pull something from his mouth.
‘What was that?’ she asked.
‘Nothing.’
‘You just took something out of your mouth.’
‘It’s only a seed or something.’ Brett looked guilty.
‘Are you sure?’ she asked, leaning over and taking it off his plate. It wasn’t a seed. It was a piece of blue plastic.
‘Everyone should stop eating,’ Nancy announced, trying to keep the satisfaction out of her voice. She watched as they each put down their spoons, apart from Charlie, who resolutely ignored her.
‘What?’ asked Georgia.
‘This was in Brett’s food.’ She held the chip up. ‘And it’s sharp.’
‘Let me see,’ said Georgia, rushing around the table and staring at it. ‘Oh fuck, it’s a bit of the spoon I was using to mix the cream. Don’t worry, it’s only tiny. Honestly I wouldn’t let it put you off.’
Nancy watched the redness spread up Georgia’s neck and across her face. She adopted an expression of regret. ‘I hate to be that person,’ she said, her voice quiet. ‘But I read this thing ab
out someone who severed an artery from swallowing a tiny piece of glass and I’m probably being paranoid but I don’t think that we should take any risks.’
It was true. She had read that. And she didn’t want anyone to cut themselves. Of course, the chances of anyone actually having anything in their food was tiny, and most of them had already eaten most of their pudding. But still, Nancy couldn’t quite persuade herself to drop it.
‘That was glass,’ said Charlie. ‘It’s not glass in the food.’
‘It’s not “the food”,’ yelped Georgia. ‘It’s only in one tiny bit.’
Lila’s spoon clattered to the plate. ‘I was done anyway.’
‘You just said you wanted more?’ Georgia said, her voice steely.
‘I changed my mind.’
‘I’m sure it’s fine,’ said Brett, picking his fork back up. ‘Really.’
‘Please don’t,’ said Nancy. ‘I know it’s silly but I hate the idea of anything happening to you.’ Brett flashed her his smile and yet again she marvelled at the perfection of his features.
‘OK, if you’re so sure.’ He looked around the table. ‘She’s such an adult!’
Everyone had put their cutlery down. Even Roo. Nancy tried not to look triumphant.
‘I guess I’ll clear the table then,’ said Georgia. She sounded like she might be about to cry. ‘There’s cheese. I’ll bring that out.’
‘As long as you haven’t accidentally sprinkled it with cyanide or something!’ Roo called as Georgia whisked the pudding away from the table and set it down heavily on the marble side.
‘Shame, it was delish,’ Nancy said as she passed her plate to Charlie, who didn’t return her smile. ‘Sorry for being paranoid, you know what I’m like.’
Charlie didn’t know what she was like, actually. He hadn’t ever shown any interest in finding out. He and Nancy didn’t like each other, there was no secret about that. Charlie was typical of his breed. Men like him thought that women were for relationships. Men were friends. If girls weren’t soft and pretty and on offer, he didn’t know what to do with them. He enjoyed Lila. Liked her, even. He understood her. She was for parties. For fun. For making stupid comments like, ‘Wait, I thought unicorns were extinct?’ which made them all howl with laughter. And even now, when Lila had become the antithesis of fun, they had enough memories left over from mad weekends in the country that could always fill a silence. ‘Remember when we did lines off the back of that stuffed rhino in Jonty’s dad’s study?’ one of them would say, and they’d laugh. To people like Charlie, that was enough to hang a friendship on.
Nancy had met Charlie before Georgia had. At some party in the second year of college. He’d been holding court, giving a speech about how anyone who wanted to could make a million in a decade if they tried hard enough. Nancy had intended to ignore him, but he had knocked into her and spilled her drink. It hadn’t been difficult. She’d grown up at the knees of politicians and writers after all. All she’d done was ask him a few questions, use some long words and cite a couple of economists she’d barely heard of herself. It was a happy memory for Nancy, the vision of a teenage Charlie grappling for words and stammering to answer her questions while his friends looked on in stunned silence. Eventually she had asked him what he was reading and he had told her it was History and Politics. ‘Thank fuck it’s not economics,’ she had said, and left the group laughing as she walked away. He hadn’t ever forgiven her.
Georgia didn’t know about their first meeting. At least, Nancy hadn’t ever told her, and she assumed that Charlie wouldn’t have done. They’d turned up together at a party in their last year. Charlie had pretended not to remember and Nancy had returned the favour. Strange really, to think that they had their own secret from Georgia, despite the fact that Charlie would never have wanted to share anything with her. She liked it.
‘If everyone’s finished, I’m going outside for a cig,’ said Lila, standing up. She wobbled as she got up and slammed her hands down on the table to catch herself. The glasses rang with vibration and the candles in their glass storm lanterns wobbled. But nothing fell. Lila didn’t seem concerned.
Georgia caught Nancy’s eye within a second of Lila’s words. It might have been decades since they were at school, but that kind of telepathy never went away.
Roo took Lila’s arm and tugged her back into sitting position. ‘You’ve spent half the night out there, Lila. Stay put.’
Roo was not going to ruin this. Lila was finally drunk enough to be honest with them, but not so drunk she was about to pass out. Georgia needed her and Nancy alone. Now.
‘She can keep me company,’ said Georgia, standing up.
‘You’re smoking?’ said Charlie, sounding shocked. ‘Seriously?’
Georgia nodded. ‘One won’t hurt.’
‘Me too,’ said Nancy, standing. Georgia watched Brett’s expression with interest. He raised his eyebrows but said nothing. Clearly he knew better than to question Nancy.
‘Girl time,’ slurred Lila, kicking her chair out of the way.
‘Exactly,’ said Nancy. ‘Girl time.’
THEN
Nancy
The rain was a relief, to start with. Cool and fresh on her sweaty skin. Nancy knew it was short-sighted to be glad of it – it would make everything more difficult. The tent would be damp, their food would get sodden. They’d have to spend the entire evening cramped into the wet tent rather than sitting outside and watching the sky. But in the moment, as the drizzle pricked coolness into her skin, it felt nice.
The mountain, huge and brown and rudely protruding from the earth, was slippery and unforgiving, and as they climbed higher she felt sweat at the back of her neck. She hated sweating – unless she was in the gym, watching the calorie count on the treadmill creep up. How anyone could actively want to do this, she couldn’t understand. The path they were following had started wide and tarmacked, but eventually it had shrunk away, replaced by a dirt track only a metre or so wide, flanked by aggressively sloping ground.
Nancy tried not to look down, the severity of the drop making her pulse even quicker. The other girls were dancing along it, linking arms and jumping around, as if the steepness of the ground either side of them meant nothing. It must be nice, Nancy thought, to be so utterly unaware of everything around you.
‘We’re nearly there!’ said Sophie.
Sophie, Laura and Katie had barely stopped talking since they’d started off. Nancy now knew the intimate details of how Laura lost her virginity to her boyfriend (he scattered rose petals on her bed, which was apparently something Laura thought was impressive). She had also been treated to a long meditation on whether or not Katie should get a fringe, and a genuine debate about whether skinny jeans would ever go out of fashion. Occasionally Nancy had wondered whether she, Georgia and Lila cloistered themselves too much, whether they should be friendlier with the rest of the girls in their year. Today had been enough to convince her that wasn’t a good idea. At least Lila and Georgia discussed people, events and theories. Was it possible to lose IQ points by proximity to vapidity?
‘Let’s run the last bit!’ said Katie, starting to gain pace. ‘Bikini body prep!’
Nancy shuddered, thinking that Katie was the exact reason that women’s magazines should be burned to the ground, but fixed her eyes on the ground in front of her and followed suit. Her rucksack was dragging on her shoulders and the walking boots she had begrudgingly bought for the occasion were inordinately heavy. The sooner they got there, the sooner this would all be over.
A blue flag was waving at the top, and next to it a red one. She smiled to herself. Georgia and Lila had managed it, they’d dragged their teams here as fast as they could so that they had a chance with their plan. It rankled that she was the last of the three, but it was no wonder, with the other three girls expending so much energy talking. She looked up. The sky was a deep bruise purple with a sickly yellow tinge. The clouds looked fat and angry. Another raindrop fell on the parting of her hair
, slipping down on to her cheek. Would they get back to the campsite before the real downpour started, she wondered. The pathway that had wound its way upwards had given out to a small clearing, sort of flat and sheltered by gorse plants. It was dotted with girls, mostly sitting on their rucksacks, in various states of exhaustion.
‘Nancy!’ She whipped around, seeing Georgia running towards her. ‘Thank fuck!’
She wrapped her arms around Georgia’s narrow waist, feeling her chest pressing into her, thinking not for the first time what a ridiculous body she had been blessed with. As if she had been drawn by a teenage boy.
‘I’ve never been so bored,’ Georgia whispered. ‘I had Carmen and two of the Chinese girls.’
Nancy took a step back. ‘Mine did nearly an hour on whether or not Katie should get a fringe. I win.’
As if on cue, the three blondes from her group sidled up. ‘Hey, Georgia,’ said Katie. ‘How’s your brother?’
They all giggled. Jesus, they were like children. It was hard to believe that in a year’s time these young women were supposed to head out into the world and start university.
Georgia looked bored.
‘He’s fine.’
‘Is he … single?’
‘Yes,’ Georgia said. ‘And he’s on a submarine for the next three months.’
Nancy couldn’t take it any more. The reaction to Georgia’s brother, who was painfully average, annoyed her. The fact Georgia was enjoying it so much was tragic. It wasn’t her fault – God knows her background gave her fuck all else to feel proud of, but it was beyond irritating. It was as if none of the girls had ever even met a boy before. ‘Where’s Lila?’ Nancy asked, interrupting the giggles.
‘Trying to get a phone signal so she can see if Jack texted her back.’
‘I’m going to find her. Coming?’
She watched Georgia smile at the blondes before following her.
‘Which way did Lila go?’
Georgia pointed upwards. Nancy followed her finger and saw Lila standing on a rock, perilously close to the edge, waving her phone around.