by A B Turner
“But when it fits in with yours? That’s what you were about to say,” I snapped again, “So in other words, you can go off and do whatever you want, while I sit here, waiting for you to maybe make an appearance, does that seem fair even to you, Lainie?”
The ice inside me had been melted by the rage once more,”
“I cannot believe you can be so selfish!”
Lainie’s eyes welled up with tears, but the rage had taken too tight a grip on me,
“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” I yelled, “Well, not this time, I am going to Australia to see Skylar, whether you like it or not, so get used to the idea.”
I slammed past her and stormed into the living room, my heart was pounding and it felt like I could barely breathe, I had started being angry with her but now I was equally mad at myself. I had wanted to talk about Skylar properly, but instead I had just blurted out his name, with no thought or control. I had done this wrong and I could not believe what had just happened. Before I had a chance to gather my thoughts, a furious Lainie flew into the room,
“So you’re flying across the world to see that Australian guy you spend every waking minute talking too!”
I spun round, totally shocked that she even knew anything about Sky, Lainie’s eyes burned with triumph,
“Oh yes I know all about it! We are on Facebook, I saw every time you were on there..talking for hours, I knew something was going on.”
Despite myself I shot back at her,
“Well, good, it means I don’t have to explain anything to you then!”
“I thought it was sad really, you can’t have a real relationship so you have a fantasy online..but now, you’re going over there, why Mum? I thought you were just lonely, I didn’t know you were stupid as well!”
I could feel my whole body start to tingle with rage again, as if every nerve-ending was on fire,
“That’s enough,” I said, my tone was measured, in sharp contrast to what was happening inside me. But Lainie, for some reason, couldn’t stop herself,
“It is stupid!” she protested, “You could go over there and he isn’t even real, or he just wants to rip you off, I can’t believe you’re just so ridiculous! It’s tragic!”
A thousand words seemed to stream to the very edge of my mouth, but I knew I couldn’t allow them freedom, every one of them would have hurt her too badly. So I simply walked past her and back into my bedroom, I quickly glanced at Lainie, I could see, my sudden movement had surprised her and caused even her to stop her attack. As I walked down the hallway, I heard Lainie’s bedroom door close behind me. At that moment, all the rage subsided, I wasn’t sorry for everything I had said, but I felt terrible any way. I wandered back to my own room, the bedcovers were strewn on the floor and the carpet felt sticky under my bare feet, thanks entirely to the spilt drink. I sighed, wishing I could just go back to bed, but instead, I started to clear up the one mess, I could do easily. After several minutes, I heard the front door bang, Lainie had obviously gone out and I relaxed back on to my newly-made bed. I wasn’t happy we hadn’t resolved things but I couldn’t help but be relieved she had decided against another round of our fight. I idly switched on Facebook and there was a message from Skylar,
‘Hi, are you there?’
I quickly replied,
‘What’s up? Can’t you sleep?’
I could see he was typing, after a few moments his message appeared,
‘Just lying here, thinking about seeing you, feeling a bit anxious.’
Perhaps unreasonably, his words made me feel suddenly concerned, could it be he was changing his mind? I typed again,
‘Do you still want me to come?’
Again I could see he was typing, it felt like hours before his message appeared on my screen,
‘Fuck yeah! I’m just worried about whether you’re going to like me, you know? When we meet.’
I smiled,
‘I will like you.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Because I already do..I like you a lot, I don’t fly around the world for just anyone haha’
There was a long pause before he answered,
‘I don’t want you to be disappointed.’
‘I feel the same but we will be okay, you and me. We’ve talked about everything, I’ve told you things nobody else knows and so whatever happens, we will get along, please don’t worry so much.’
‘I will try but you have to know, I am still fucking scared.’
I laughed,
‘We can be scared together, now try and get some sleep, sweetheart.’
‘OK beautiful, see you soon…AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH !!’
I laughed again and was about to log off before I knew there was something else I wanted to say,
‘I think I’ve fallen for you..I just wanted you to know xx’
I could see he was typing,
‘Fuck you’re gorgeous, I feel the same xx’
I came out of Messenger, plugged my phone into the charger and laid back on my bed. I wanted to block out everything that had happened with Lainie, just for an hour, so I could think about being with Skylar. Perhaps everyone was right, maybe it was crazy to go, maybe it would all end in tears, but those facts didn’t change how I felt – not in the slightest. I looked over at the suitcase, knowing, whatever happened, tomorrow we would be on our way to the airport.
Chapter 13
It was still dark when I heard Kat’s car pull up outside, I was already dressed and ready to go, the night had been pretty much sleepless, as my mind had been unable to just switch off. I waved out of the window at Kat and walked down the hallway towards the front door, I paused by Laine’s bedroom. The door was closed, I had heard her come back the night before, but she had gone straight to bed. I wanted to believe she hadn’t wanted to wake me, but, in my heart of hearts, it seemed more likely she was still angry. I went into the kitchen and scribbled a quick note to her, telling her, as always to stay safe, to say I was sorry we had fought and I hoped she understood. I ended with, ‘love always, Mum x As I finished the last few letters, I heard the car engine revving, Kat was getting impatient, so after carefully closing and locking the front door, I walked down the path.
“Morning Carrie, so are you ready for this big adventure?” Kat asked brightly.
“I think so,” I replied, she looked over at me, obviously worried,
“You don’t have to go, sweetheart, it’s okay to have changed your mind.”
“Oh I want to go, it’s just I had an unexpected visitor,” I began and then went on to explain about Lainie, Damon and our fierce argument. Once I had told the whole story, Kat sighed heavily,
“Oh Carrie, you two have fought before and you will again, she was probably feeling a bit vulnerable after the whole Damon thing and lashed out.”
I nodded in agreement,
“I just wish she could have been happier for me,” I added, knowing I did sound a little whiny but it felt justified. Kat continued to reassure me, we would sort things out his time as we had done in the past.
“..and anyway, Carrie, you can’t do anything about it now so just try and focus on the fact, in a few hours, you’ll be on a plane to Australia!”
Her enthusiasm was as infectious as her words wise, so having mentally resolved to try and push the drama to the back of my mind. As we reached the outskirts of the airport, the sun was just starting to rise and the first planes appeared far above us, causing vapour trails across the deep, blue sky. It seemed very hard to believe, I was going to be up there myself, I had always loved to fly, but I started to feel the onset of nerves. My mind raced through question after question, what was I doing? Was this going to work out? Should I ask Kat to turn round and take me home? My thoughts were interrupted by Kat swearing at the airport’s one way system,
“Where the fuck am I supposed to be going?” she yelled, “I know I’ve been this way at least twice now, it’s fucking ridiculous!”
I realized it would undoubtedly be mor
e helpful to direct her, than dwell on my own insecurities, I would have more than enough time for those on the flight, so I made a concerted effort to help find the carpark entrance. Once safely parked, we walked thought the seemingly endless airport corridors to the right terminal.
“Are you sure we aren’t walking to Australia? I mean, they do have real planes here, don’t they” gasped Kat, as we made our way through yet another series of automatic doors only to find another long passageway. My suitcase, which, at the beginning of the walk had seemed very easy to move, was now feeling like I was dragging a dead weight behind me. We were just about to give up, when, at last, we found ourselves in the vast terminal building, which, even though it was still early, was teeming with people. There was row upon row of check-in desks and it took some time and careful study of the vast information screens, to reach the right one. We had arrived early, but despite this, I opted to stand in the queue, partly because I didn’t want to get lost but mainly because I couldn’t face moving the suitcase another inch. Kat went to buy us both a drink, when she returned, she brought a luggage trolley with her. After a little heaving and struggling, we managed to load the infernal case on the trolley and leave small place for us to perch on it too.
“How are you feeling?” Kat asked, her deep eyes sparkling with excitement.
“Nervous, excited, scared…everything really,” I answered, she patted my arm,
“You’re going to be fine, sweetheart.”
We sat silently, sipping the hot chocolate, both slightly lost in our own thoughts. It was Kat who broke the mood first,
“Despite everything, I really admire you for doing this Carrie, it takes real guts..I just wanted you to know.”
I hugged and thanked her, just then her phone beeped,
“Oh wow, there’s free wifi,” she said, “You should message Skylar so he knows you’re really coming.”
I quickly took a picture of the check in desk and sent it to him, he replied almost immediately,
‘OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG’
I showed Kat and we both laughed, another message popped up,
‘So excited now, I don’t know if you’ll be able to message me, but I have the flight number, so I know where you’ll be, just take care and see you soon, love you sweetheart xxxx’
Before really thinking, I typed back,
‘Love you too xx’
I knew Kat must have seen my message, just by the concerned expression on her face,
“Is that really how you feel, Carrie?”
“I believe so, Kat, but that’s why I have to go, I need to know, it’s not just all words..”
Kat smiled and linked her arm through mine,
“I hope it is all true sweetheart, I really do, you deserve some happiness.”
I was about to reply when the trolley lurched forward, nearly causing both of us and the suitcase to fall.
“What the fuck!” exclaimed Kat angrily.
“Sorry luv, lost control of this thing there for a minute,” said a voice.
“Jesus, Trude can you be more careful?” yelled another, “You’re bloody dangerous with that thing.”
After I had replaced the case back on the trolley, I looked up, only to be faced with a huge woman bearing down on me,
“Need a hand luv?” she asked brightly, casually tossing her own suitcase on to her own trolley with ease.
“No, I’m fine thanks,” I answered.
“No thanks to you, Trude,” the woman called back to her friend, who was still negotiating her way towards us.
“I said I was sorry, didn’t I? These bloody things have a mind of their own,” she shouted back. I looked over at Kat, hoping for some kind of reaction, but she seemed as bewildered as me. The larger of the two women grabbed my hand,
“They call me Big Trude, how ya goin’ luv?”
As she shook my hand, it felt like every bone in my arm was moving independently of all the others.
“I’m, okay, thank you, I’m Carrie and this is my friend Kat.”
“Good to meet you girls, like I said I’m Big Trude and the bad driver over there, is Little Trude.”
The other woman waved, her face red from all the exertion, she grabbed a water bottle from a bag and drank the whole thing in one gulp.
“Jeez, I needed that,” she gasped.
“Are you alright?” I asked, feeling quite concerned, as she was leaning heavily on their trolley and breathing hard. Big Trude walked over to her friend and somewhat unceremoniously lifted her head up, and quickly scanned her face.
“Oh she’ll be right in a minute, just not used to all this exercise.”
Kat and I sat back down on our trolley, our new companions did the same,
“So you two going to Melbourne?” Little Trude asked,
“No just me,” I answered, “I’m visiting a..er…friend.”
The two women exchanged worried glances,
“Travelling alone? Well, don’t you worry luv, we’ll look after you,” Big Trude insisted firmly. Despite my initial feelings of being quite intimidated by the two women, I found myself very touched by their genuine concern.
“You’ll be right with us,” added Little Trude kindly.
“As long as you’re not flying the bloody plane!” roared Big Trude, she laughed and her whole body shook.
“At least I could fit in the bloody cockpit, you’d have to be strapped to the wing, they’d never get you in there!” joked Little Trude, her friend scowled and then they both laughed again,
“When you’re right, you’re right!” Big Trude guffawed.
“So are you both from Melbourne?” Kat asked, her voice sounding almost ridiculously English when compared to the broad Australian accents.
Big Trude explained although they now lived in Melbourne, they were originally from South Australia,
“.. you wouldn’t be able to find the place on any map, it’s that small,” she added.
Little Trude shifted nervously,
“Carrie, can I ask you a favour?”
“Of course, anything.”
“Could you keep an eye on our stuff while we go to the loo? I don’t know about you, Trude, but I’m busting.”
Before I had really answered, the two women headed off towards the information desk, leaving Kat and I alone again.
“Well, they’re quite a pair, aren’t they?” Kat smiled, “But I feel better knowing you’ll have them looking after you.”
I patted her arm and readily agreed, I hadn’t wanted to admit it before, but since we had arrived at the airport, I’d started to feel increasingly nervous. The Trudes reappeared just as the check in desk opened, so we all stood up and looked expectantly at the airline staff. As expected, they were all immaculately dressed, flawless make up and hair, all with the same slightly bored expression. They pored over paperwork and chatted quietly with each other, paying almost no attention to the ever-growing queue of passengers which was rapidly forming behind us.
“They don’t seem especially keen to get started, do they?” I whispered to Kat, she just shrugged her shoulders as a response. After what seemed like hours, but was probably only a few minutes, one beckoned the Trudes over to her desk. Another called over to me,
“Here we go, Carrie,” Kat said excitedly.
Once relieved of the dreaded suitcase and having arranged to catch up with the Trudes nearer the flight time, Kat and I strolled up to the security checkpoint.
“Well honey, this is as far as I can go, are you sure you’re going to be alright?” Kat asked, her eyes filled with obvious concern. I tried to answer, but no sound came out of my mouth, Kat took my arm,
“Carrie? Are you alright?”
My whole body seemed to have plunged into some kind of nerve paralysis, the sheer enormity of what I was actually doing suddenly seemed to hit me and I couldn’t do anything.
“Carrie?” Kat repeated, “What’s wrong?”
Thankfully, when I opened my mouth a second time, a voice came out
, it was a small, barely audible voice,
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
Kat pulled me close,
“It’s going to be alright, Carrie, Skylar is going to love you and you’re going to have an amazing time.”
I hugged her tightly, perhaps too tightly, as I felt her pull back slightly,
“Now off you go and don’t forget, you’re completely adorable.”
“Thanks Kat, for everything,” I answered gratefully, we quickly hugged again and then I walked to the security barrier. I looked back, she waved and blew a kiss, which I returned before making my way past the first desk and into another area which had been hidden by large screens. Once my bag had been searched, I wandered through the departure area and found a seat directly in front of another information board. As I had little else to do but wait, I spent the time simply people-watching, wondering where everyone was going, who looked like seasoned travelers and who were obviously new to flying. I scanned the faces for the Trudes, but I couldn’t see them anywhere, so I resolved just to relax and be patient. Every so often I glanced up at the board, waiting for the gate number to appear, but nothing seemed to change for hours. I felt my eyes starting to close, the previous sleepless night and the early start was obviously catching up with me, so I quickly stood up and looked idly around the shops. It never failed to surprise me how as soon as people had access to duty free goods, they fell on them like they had never seen such things before and were worried they never would again. Suddenly, I heard an announcement for my flight and I hurried along yet another endless corridor to the gate. As I arrived, the passageway opened up into a large, quite soulless room, rows of chairs running from one side to the other and vast windows covering the whole of one wall. I walked over to the window, there was the plane, airline staff were hurriedly loading baggage and talking animatedly to each other. Beyond the plane, I could see the runways, edged with lights as far as I could see, then further away, the darkening sky. I took a deep breath and for the first time, there were no discernible nerves, they had been replaced by a growing feeling of excitement. I sat down and gazed out of the window, my mind now having reached some kind of peace, all thoughts that occurred to me, were positive ones. How far I had come? From those dark days being married to Steve, where confidence had been nothing more than a word. I wondered what he would think if he could see me now, I would be virtually unrecognizable to him. So much had happened, although not all good, every event had been a step to this place, had brought me to this airport and given me the strength to take this chance. I thought about Phil, back at my old job, I wondered if he was taking some other woman up those dark stairs in the warehouse, or had he tried to make more of his marriage? My mind seemed to turn into a photograph album, flipping pages, covered in the faces of those who had been a part of this journey. Despite myself, I recalled being with Vanessa, she had done more than any of the others. I wondered where she was right now, perhaps she was in an airport too, I hoped she was happy and perhaps, I crossed her mind occasionally. I would have continued this train of thought, if my phone hadn’t beeped, I pulled it from my bag and saw the message was from Lainie,