People around me, who I hadn’t really noticed before, offered unconditional support.
As Gracie stirred in bed next to me I turned to face her, pushing her mousey brown curls away from her face. No matter how much sleep she had she looked constantly exhausted. We both were.
‘Morning, monkey.’ She started to rub the sleep out of her eyes and stretched her arms. Gracie gave a little smile before wriggling in closer and burying her face against my arm. I held her, noticing how fragile her little body felt. Her hair smelt like fresh baked bread and I inhaled deeply, wanting to remember the scent forever.
‘You know today we say goodbye to Hope?’ I stroked her head and spoke softly not wanting to alarm her in case she might have forgotten. Her silent response answered my question. ‘We’ll go the school and sing some songs Hope liked listening to. Do you remember which song you chose?’ I feel her nod her head and am glad for any response. ‘What was it again?’ I know perfectly well but I really want to hear her speak. I need to hear her voice.
‘Twinkle, twinkle.’ Gracie’s breath feels warm against my arm.
‘That’s right. Will you sing it with me, girlie?’
Gracie shakes her head furiously and buries herself deeper beneath the duvet.
‘Come on, monkey, we can sing it together.’ I feel a lump form in my throat at the thought of hearing the song sung by anyone other than Hope. ‘OK, you don’t have to. It’s all right.’
Our conversation is cut short by the shrill ringing of the telephone. Answering it begrudgingly I secretly wish that today could be a private matter for family only.
‘Hello?’
‘Ah, hi, Lib.’ Mike’s Aussie voice travels down the line.
‘Hi Mike.’ Why is he calling me at seven-thirty in the morning?
‘I just wanted to check how you guys are holding up?’
‘Well, you know. It’s going to be a tough day.’
‘Sure is.’ He pauses. ‘Look, tell me to bugger off if you like, but I was wondering if you wanted me and Eva to walk down with you, to the school. I mean, you probably have your family around you but I thought, you know, maybe you might like it if we joined you.’
I’ve only laid eyes on Eva once since learning that Hope is dead. I found it very hard to look at my dead child’s best friend because of the memories that came flooding in. It’s easy to forget that Gracie and I aren’t the only ones suffering.
‘Sure. That would be good. I think Gracie would like it.’
‘Well, if you’re sure. I didn’t want to impose but I thought maybe it might help having friends around you today.’
‘Maybe it will. I don’t know. It’s so surreal, Mike. How did this happen? Why am I saying goodbye to my baby?’
‘Ah Lib, don’t cry. I’m gonna throw some clothes on and Eva and I will come over. We’ll make you guys some breakfast. You need all the support you can get today.’
Hope
I’ve been picking at my feet for a while. They feel really dry and crusty. I thought maybe by now I would get used to the dark and be able to see but I am still blind like a mole. And that makes sense that I am like a mole because now I think I must be underground. The smell of the earth sometimes is strong, like the coffee daddy drinks mixed with wet grass. I can’t decide if I like the smell or not. Sometimes I think I do but maybe I am just getting used to it.
The other thing I am getting used to now is being on my own. I missed Zoe a lot to begin with but now I know it’s just me here.
The strangest thing is what happens to me when I’m not thinking about stuff. It’s like I don’t exist some of the time but then when my brain starts going round I am real again. It feels really weird, a bit like I can time travel but when I’m not here I don’t know where I go or what happens to me. It’s when I’m time travelling that my body hurts in those places again. Sometimes I think that maybe I have been asleep and that is where all the empty time goes. There’s not much else to do here except think.
I do sing songs sometimes to cheer me up or I say nursery rhymes. It stops me being frightened so much and reminds me when I was happy playing with Gracie or my friends.
At school me and Eva made up the groovy club. It was only for people who were part of the girl gang and no one else could join. Definitely no boys. We had a secret password and used to write notes that we would put in our book bags with lists of things we were going to do in the groovy club. That was a lot of fun. I was in charge and Eva was my assistant.
One Sunday when I was bored, and mum and dad were watching football on the TV, I made badges for everyone who was in the club. They were really cool with pink sparkles on. My teachers Joanne and Helen said they were pretty but we couldn’t wear them in school, so we would put them on at the end of the day when we were waiting to be picked up from the playground. I wonder if my friends still have their badges? Maybe they have forgotten about me. Eva probably has a new best friend now. I wish I wasn’t so lonely.
APRIL 2016
Libby
The first time we kissed I was a gibbering wreck. It had been so long since I’d been looked at in that way and part of me still felt guilty being with anyone other than Danny.
He’d kindly offered to come over and spend New Year’s Eve with me. He understood how difficult that time of year was. Everything was still so raw.
It had been only two years since I’d lost Danny and learnt that Hope was dead and that time had passed slowly. Gracie had started school and was going daily, leaving me with a lot of spare times on my hands.
I still missed Danny every day. He was the love of my life and the father of my children. Without him nothing would ever be the same again.
Eventually the other village inhabitants learnt to give us space. The vicar still came to visit, despite the frosty reception he received. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave us alone. There was no way I was going to suddenly find God and start going to church.
He came about once a month, and always brought a lollipop for Gracie. It was sweet of him and eventually I softened. Robert stopped quoting the bible and kept the subject matter light. Never again did he ask me to forgive Amit.
Once he asked if I thought Gracie might like to go to church one day and watch the choir sing but I declined. No matter how nice he was I would never let my little girl out of my sight, even if it was to pay a visit to a church with a vicar. We would sit together and have a cup of tea before he’d make his excuses and leave again. Eventually, I realised that he had helped to get people to forget what had happened to us. He was on our side but I couldn’t understand why he persisted, especially since I’d been so unfriendly.
After Danny died, I couldn’t carry on with the business. It had been our thing and without him it didn’t make sense. So, in order to scrape a living, I started baking cakes for special occasions. I’d never been very good at making the sponge but had always been a dab hand at making them look pretty. With a little help from Betty Crocker, and word of mouth, I started to build the business up. The spare bedroom was turned into a work kitchen I could use to produce the cakes and practice my sugarcraft in. You wouldn’t believe the amount of equipment it takes to make a wedding cake.
After baking cupcakes for a school fete and, I discovered it was the perfect job for me. It meant that I could work from home and always be around to collect Gracie from school. I made it a rule to try not to work at weekends so that she and I could spend time together but that didn’t always work out.
Paul and Clare were wonderful. They helped so much financially. I think I would have lost the house if it weren’t for them and, although in some ways being there without Danny and Hope was sad, it kept them alive to us. I wasn’t ready to let them go and say goodbye.
Mike had been a pillar of strength during the first few years. Having lost his own wife, he related to the pain I was suffering. It was good to have someone else I could talk to about my grief. Not only were we both single parents but our girls were both only children.
Eva had always been very sweet to Gracie and when she learnt that Hope had gone she took it upon herself to look after Gracie. I think it helped Gracie to have Eva around. She missed Hope’s company so much and Eva was the next best thing to her sister.
The four of us spent a lot of time together visiting the park, going to pizza restaurants and generally buggering about killing time. In some ways Mike was quite an over-bearing man. He would always order for us all without checking what we actually wanted. Initially it annoyed me, he was so unlike Danny in that way, but then I started to find it endearing, attractive even,
Mike came over at least twice a week and we sat chatting while the girls went upstairs or outside to play. I felt part of a family again so when he kissed me it didn’t seem strange. It felt good. We were both lonely and got on well so the transition from friends to a couple was simple.
I would never feel for him what I felt for Danny but I realised I didn’t have to. I needn’t compare them. Circumstances were so different with Mike. We were looking for company and we found each other.
I insisted that we took things slowly as much for the children’s sake as our own. Both Gracie and Eva had had their fair share of heartache and I had resolved not to be the cause of any more. Mike and I had to tread carefully when explaining things to them. Eva got it immediately and was very encouraging. Gracie was a bit slower on the uptake but didn’t seem at all bothered by the development. If anything, she was pleased to be seeing more of Mike and Eva.
I’d given Mike a key so that he could come and go as he pleased. My cottage and garden were bigger than his place so we naturally congregated here.
When he came in that evening, he was smiling like a Cheshire cat. I asked him why he was looking so pleased with himself.
‘I didn’t want to tell you about it until it was all sorted but I’ve gone and booked a holiday for us all, Lib.’ From his back jeans pocket he removed a piece of printed paper and handed it to me. On it is a picture of a beautiful villa with a pool. ‘I thought we could all do with some sunshine. It’s booked for the May half term.’ His eyes are wide and sparkling with excitement. ‘So what’d you say?’
‘It’s gorgeous. Where is it?’
‘Algarve, so the weather should be good.’
‘The kids will be so excited. What a lovely idea.’ I go over to where he is sitting, plonk myself down on his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. ‘I could get used to this.’
MAY 2016
Hope
I feel sad all the time now. I remember telling Zoe that Daddy would come and save us but I don’t believe that any more. It’s been so long I’ve been here. I feel like I must be older but I don’t know if that’s true. Without being able to see the sun and the moon I don’t know anything. It might be Christmas day or even Easter or something.
If it was Easter and I was at home Mummy and Daddy would have helped me go on an egg hunt around the garden. It’s funny how many eggs the bunny always leaves. There are always two big ones at the end of the hunt. One for me and one for Gracie and they are always the same so we don’t fight. The Easter bunny is clever like that.
Thinking about chocolate is making me hungry. I wonder if I am really good if maybe I might get to eat some again one day. Just a little bit. That would be really good. Maybe Zoe is somewhere eating chocolate now. I hope so. If she got away, then I think I can. But I still don’t understand where she went or why she got out when I am still stuck here.
Sometimes I like to pretend that I am playing hide and seek and I’m in a cupboard waiting for Gracie to find me. We used to play that game a lot. I am much better at it than she is. Even Mummy and Daddy can’t find me most of the time. They stand near where I am and I hear them saying ‘I wonder where she is?’ and I have to put my hand over my mouth so they don’t hear me giggle.
But now I wonder if maybe they think I’m hiding. Maybe I am. I can’t remember what happened. Did they lose me when we were playing a game? Maybe I haven’t been here for that long after all. Or maybe this is like The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe and I’m stuck in a cupboard somewhere. But then I think about the voice and I know that’s not right.
I wonder if I might get another friend soon? It was a surprise when Zoe arrived so maybe I’ll get a new friend one day. That would be nice.
Libby
After an easy flight and a relatively short drive we arrive at the villa, which is perched on a hill with breath-taking views down to the coast. The house itself, Villa Montanha, is a stone building that has been painted in faded peach, reflecting the warm sunshine that bounces off the gravel drive that leads up to it.
The girls both jump out of our silver hire car and run towards a plump woman who was standing there waiting to greet us. She has thick grey roots and is wearing a lime green sundress that looks as old as the hills that surround us. The hot sun beats down onto my bare shoulders as I get out of the sweaty car fanning myself.
‘Family Kelly?’ She smiles broadly at us and I don’t have the heart to correct her.
‘I’m Mike Kelly. Lina, I presume?’ His bright orange short-sleeved shirt sticks to his back as he shakes her hand. I still think of Mike as short. Danny was at least three inches taller than him.
‘I show you round?’ Her accent makes her sound almost Russian.
‘No need. We can work it all out, can’t we, girls?’ Mike calls to the children who have disappeared around the back of the house to see what there is.
‘OK, OK.’ She shrugs, happy to leave us to it. ‘You have problem you call me. I come. My number in villa.’ And with that she shuffles off down the drive, her black plastic flip-flops slapping the gravel beneath her feet.
‘I wonder if all the locals are that easy-going,’ I raise an eyebrow before lifting a heavy piece of luggage out of the boot.
‘I’ll do that, Lib.’ Mike rushes to my aid and carries the bag to the front door. ‘Let’s go and see what our new home is like, shall we?’ He slips the keys in the lock and pushes the door open.
Inside the villa is spacious and light. The lobby leads to the kitchen on the right, which has a terracotta stone floor, with Shaker units that I immediately coveted for my own kitchen and a large Belfast sink. A bar counter divides the cooking area from the dining room, which has a round metal table and four chairs. The layout had been designed to perfection.
I follow Mike as he returns to the lobby and leads me into the sitting room on the other side. On the far side of the room is a large, contemporary open fireplace. It’s hard to imagine it ever gets cold here, though. The ceiling to floor windows show off the incredible view of the countryside that rolls down towards the coast, and overlook the pool, where we see the girls are already playing, dipping their feet in the water and splashing each other. I’ve not seen Gracie look this happy for so long and I am overwhelmed with joy. For a moment I imagine it’s Hope there with her, instead of Eva.
I will never love Mike the way I loved Danny but I want Gracie to be happy and to grow up in a family environment. He’s a good man and that’s what counts.
‘You all right, doll?’ Mike puts his arm around my shoulder and I rest my head against his.
‘I am. It just is odd feeling happy. I can’t help it. I feel guilty. They are dead and here I am enjoying the sunshine. I still miss them both so much.’
‘I’m sure that’s normal. I felt the same way after Emma died. It’ll get easier.’
‘Thank you for being so understanding.’
‘You are most welcome.’ He holds my head in his hands and kisses my forehead. ‘Now let’s go down there and start enjoying the pool. I’m sweating like a nun in a sex shop.’
‘Can I tell you something?’ I speak softly, looking into his eyes.
‘Sure. Anything?’
‘I’m not so sure about that orange shirt.’ A smile spreads across my face.
‘Hey, this is one of my favourites!’ He takes a step back and looks down at himself as I crease up laughing.
‘Maybe you’ve got a point.’ He admits chuckling and starting to unbutton the sweat-drenched shirt.
‘Last one in the pool has to do the washing-up.’ I call out, letting my dress drop to the floor and dashing towards our luggage in search of my swimming costume.
‘Come on, Mum!’ Gracie appears in the doorway looking pissed off. ‘We’ve been waiting for you for ages.’
‘Coming, monkey.’
‘Do you know where my–’ but before she’s had a chance to finish her sentence I have removed her costume from the bag and thrown it playfully in her direction. ‘Thanks, Mum.’ She is beaming as she rushes back out of the house, leaving her sandals discarded in the hallway.
‘Kids.’ Mike laughs dropping his shorts and rushing out wearing only his boxer shorts.
‘Hey, that’s cheating!’ My words mingle with the echo of his laugher that bounces off the walls and fill me with happiness.
Libby
Having spent a wonderful relaxing week soaking up the sunshine, Mike and I put the girls to bed on our final night in the villa and treat ourselves to a romantic supper on the porch.
Like any good Australian he is an accomplished barbeque cook and rustles us up herby pasta salad and some large grilled prawns.
The sweet Portuguese white wine washes it down nicely and we sit back, beneath the dome of stars enjoying the stillness. Occasionally a bat appears and cuts through the calm night hunting for food.
‘Thank you for a fabulous week. I haven’t felt so relaxed for ages.’
Mike sits opposite me, the silver light from the swimming pool reflecting on his face.
‘Yeah, it’s been good, hasn’t it?’ He holds a glass of wine in his hand and swirls the contents around. ‘I’ve been thinking.’ He puts the glass back on the table and leans over. ‘I think we should move in together.’ He lets the idea sink in before continuing. ‘We have both had our share of rough times. I don’t want to be on my own any more. I want to be with you. I want us to live together and for the girls to always have each other. Look, I know it’s early days, but we’ve known each other for a long time. I wanna be with you, Lib. We’re good together and we make sense.’
Frailty: a haunting psychological page-turner Page 20