02
living room and a new one, from the wedding, in a silver frame on a
03
ledge at the foot of the stairs. If they were gone, then I’d have known to 04
worry. There were things I had bought her over the years: a purple um-
05
brella that was always propped against the understair cupboard, a pink
06
pom- pom lamp by her writing desk, and a cuckoo clock in the down-
07
stairs bathroom.
08
I guess I hoped that there might be evidence of some change in their
09
relationship over the previous seven days. It would have been nice, for
10
example, to find Charles’s wardrobe empty, his clothes and shoes and
11
suits all gone, and the magazines and bookmarks and flash drives miss-
12
ing from his bedside table.
13
I could imagine Marnie coming home and I, by then, would have
14
been back in the hallway waiting for her. I would have pretended that I
15
didn’t yet know, that I had no reason to believe she would choose me
16
over him. And she would have been overcome by sobbing, confiding in
17
me, and saying that it had never felt right with him, that he had always
18
been just a little too controlling and sometimes too distant and thank
19
goodness I had found the strength to be honest with her.
20
But I didn’t go upstairs and I didn’t look in Charles’s wardrobe. I
21
didn’t go into the kitchen and I didn’t look in the freezer. I didn’t look 22
at the mantelpiece, either. I never made it that far.
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I
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n time, there would be pieces in newspapers that would argue oth-
12
erwise. They would insinuate that I had manipulated the situation
13
very carefully, suggesting that I had committed a perfect murder. But
14
that isn’t what happened.
15
I opened the door, but only very slightly, wanting to make as little
16
noise as possible. I stepped into the flat, turning to scan the corridor
17
one final time. I didn’t want the neighbors to see me and then mention,
18
casually, at some point over the next few weeks, the young woman
19
who popped by and let herself in. Thankfully, I was still alone. I shut
20
the door quickly and I put on the chain. This, perhaps, was a little
21
calculated. If they had returned, I would have rushed to grab the wa-
22
tering can from beneath the bathroom sink and pretended that I was
23
looking after the plants. Or perhaps I would have rushed to the kitchen
24
to boil the kettle or started folding washing— something helpful and
25
almost acceptable— so that they didn’t discover me rooting through
26
their drawers.
27
The lights in the apartment were switched off. It took my eyes a
28
couple of seconds to adjust to the darkness. I didn’t see him straight-
29
away. I didn’t notice him there at the foot of the stairs.
30
I jumped and my back slammed into the door, my lower ribs catch-
S31
ing on the handle. I instinctively bent forward and my handbag slipped
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from my shoulder, the metal clasp clattering against the floor. I watched 02
as my things tumbled and rolled across the wood— a tube of lipstick,
03
my purse, my keys, so loud as they landed.
04
I wondered if he might be dead. I felt a strange sort of joy— a little
05
excited— as though that wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world.
06
When I looked up again, his eyes were open. He was lying on his
07
back, but his left ankle was twisted and his shoulder was bent at an
08
awkward angle. There was a patch of dried blood on his temple and a
09
small burgundy stain on the wooden floor. He was wearing pajama bot-
10
toms, flannel with blue stripes, and a university sweater. I had never
11
seen him dressed so casually.
12
He groaned.
13
I felt momentarily disappointed that he wasn’t in fact dead. And
14
then that disappointment was overwhelmed by anger.
15
Wasn’t it typical of Charles to still be alive? A fall like that might
16
have killed someone else, but, no, not Charles. He was just too persis-
17
tent, always there, never anywhere else, always so very present.
18
He coughed.
19
“Jane,” he croaked.
20
He cleared his throat and he winced as the movement in his chest
21
sent vibrations through his shoulder.
22
“Oh, Jane,” he said. “Thank God.”
23
I turned on the light and he blinked a couple of times in quick suc-
24
cession.
25
“I fell,” he said. “I don’t know when . . . I was . . . What time is it?
26
My shoulder. It’s dislocated. And . . . I couldn’t get up. My ankle. I 27
think my back . . . Oh, you’re here. I’m so glad you’re here. My phone.
28
An ambulance.”
29
He furrowed his brow. He was confused. Perhaps because I was
30
standing still, my back pressed against the door and the contents of my
31S
handbag pooled at my feet and doing none of the things that a normal
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person might be doing in this situation.
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I remember seeing Jonathan fly. The taxi stole his feet from beneath
01
him and the force of it propelled him forward and onto the sidewalk a
02
few yards ahead. I didn’t think about how to respond; I instinctively ran 03
to be by his side and crumpled down beside him, touching him, trying
04
to quell the bleeding, find the breaks,
as though I had the capacity to
05
save him. I wanted to climb into his body. I wanted to fix him from
06
within. I was shouting at him— all manner of nonsense, the things you
07
see in films— to stay with me, to keep his eyes open, not to worry, ev-
08
erything would be fine if he could just stay with me, stay with me.
09
But I was not rushing toward Charles. I was not asking him ques-
10
tions, one after the other, about what went wrong and where was he
11
hurting and what could I do. I was not picking my phone up from the
12
floor or crossing to collect his, which was lying just a few yards out of 13
his reach.
14
I was doing nothing at all.
15
“Jane,” he said. His forehead was creased, his eyes wide and fright-
16
ened, and he was bleeding again where he’d lifted his head slightly from
17
the floor and unsealed the wound.
18
“Charles,” I replied.
19
“Jane, I need help,” he said. “Can you call someone? Call an ambu-
20
lance. Or just . . . pass me my phone, will you? It’s just there. If you 21
just . . .”
22
I should have been calling an ambulance. I know it now and I knew
23
it at the time. There was a man lying on the floor, bones bent, body
24
twisted, blood on his forehead, and it was very clear that he needed im-
25
mediate medical attention. And yet I did nothing. It was instinctive. It
26
was exactly the same involuntary response that I’d experienced with
27
Jonathan, but it drove me in an entirely different direction. Then, I’d
28
spontaneously tried to do everything. On this occasion, I did nothing.
29
“Jane,” he said. “Please. I really need you to— ”
30
“What happened after I left?” I interrupted. “Last week. When I
S31
left. What happened?”
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This seems strange, I know, but it does make sense. That was why I
02
was there, after all. That was why I’d let myself into their flat. I wanted 03
an answer. I wanted to understand what had happened. I needed to
04
know that things were going to be okay, that Marnie and I were still
05
friends and that everything was going to continue as normal.
06
“Come on, Jane,” he said. “I need help.” He grimaced. “Can you . . .
07
If you just pass me my phone. Please, Jane.”
08
I walked toward it and I kicked it away from him. I didn’t know I
09
was going to do it until I’d already done it. It wasn’t part of a plan. I felt 10
like a character in a film, meeting her nemesis at his weakest moment,
11
and it felt like the right thing to do. So I did it.
12
“I asked a question,” I said. “Can you answer it, please?”
13
“Nothing,” he replied. “Nothing happened. Jane. Come on, now . . .
14
This is madness. I think I’m concussed. What time is it? Jane. I don’t
15
know how long I’ve been here.” He coughed and his body contracted
16
and he gritted his teeth. “I keep waking up and then— Oh, for fuck’s
17
sake, Jane. Yes, fine. Marnie was fuming, all right? She didn’t know
18
what to believe and she still doesn’t, and I’ve explained my side of the
19
story over and over again, but she’s still going on about your nonsense.”
20
I smiled. I felt sort of vindicated. I had slightly exaggerated what had
21
happened between us and it seemed that I’d been right to do so.
22
“Go on,” I said.
23
“That’s it!” he shouted, and then winced again. “There’s nothing
24
more to it. She’s been hot and cold with me all week, and I can’t say we
25
were expecting you this evening although I think I’m glad you’re here . . .
26
but I don’t know. She was fucking angry, yes. With both of us. But she
27
doesn’t think anything happened— because it didn’t happen, Jane, it
28
didn’t happen— and she keeps bringing it up, yes, but I think it’s going 29
to be okay, all right, for both of us, but if you could just . . . We can talk 30
about this another time. I promise. We can talk about it. But please . . .”
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He started to shiver. I wondered if he might be in shock. I didn’t
32N
really know what that meant, but the paramedics and the doctors and
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the nurses had suggested it when I was waiting in the hospital for Jona-
01
than to be pronounced dead.
02
I crouched down. The wooden floor was cold beneath my hands.
03
The flat felt different without Marnie. I had liked it the last time: the 04
lightlessness, the scentless silence. I had liked that it was hollow and
05
empty.
06
But Charles was ruining everything. With him, the darkness felt suf-
07
focating. There was just the bright light above us, a harsh lamp glowing
08
a dirty lemon yellow. There were no scented candles burning, no warm
09
orange illuminating the room. It wasn’t empty. And yet Charles wasn’t
10
enough to fill it.
11
“We haven’t spent much time alone before,” I said. “Not without
12
Marnie.”
13
“Maybe that’s something we can do some other time,” he said.
14
“Maybe,” I replied.
15
I could see that the pain was getting worse. He was trying not to
16
move and yet sometimes he was shifting involuntarily, when he spoke
17
or when his temper piqued, and then his face contorted for a second
18
or two.
19
“How come you’re home so early?” I asked.
20
“I really need your help,” he said. “Please, Jane.”
21
“Didn’t you go to work?”
22
“I had a migraine. I think that’s why I fell. That was all, Jane.”
23
“Do you get them often?” I asked. “Migraines?”
24
“Sometimes,” he said. “Every few months. Now— ”
25
“I don’t think I’ve ever h
ad one,” I replied. I couldn’t hear the cars
26
below. “You didn’t open the doors,” I said, “to the balcony.”
27
“I’ve been in bed.”
28
“You didn’t have the radio on?”
29
“I’ve been asleep, Jane. Marnie went to the library to write up an
30
interview and I stayed in bed. Jane, I really don’t feel good at all. I don’t S31
know why you’ re— ”
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“When will she be back?”
02
“Soon,” he said. “I think. What time is it? I reckon she’ll be home
03
soon.”
04
“I’m not sure of the time,” I said. “I’m early.”
05
“Why don’t you call her?” he suggested. “Ask her. Let her know that
06
I’m here and ask when she’s back. She’s probably on her way. You want
07
to see her, don’t you? Use my phone. In my favorites. Ring her. Now.
08
Put her on speaker so I can hear her too. Go on, Jane. Or your phone.
09
It’s just behind you . . .”
10
I held my finger to my lips and he fell silent.
11
I needed to think.
12
I remember panic bubbling in my stomach, just simmering, the be-
13
ginning of something that I knew I ought to be feeling. I remember
14
taking a few deep breaths— as the policewoman had told me to in the
15
hospital— in through my nose for six, and then hold for six, and then
16
out through my mouth for six.
17
It must have silenced my anxiety fairly quickly. Because I didn’t feel
18
it again after that. I crawled across the floor, just a couple of feet, until 19
I was beside him, close enough to touch him. I watched his Adam’s
20
apple bouncing in his neck as he mumbled and pleaded with me.
21
He started whimpering and I thought he might cry.
22
But then he got angry.
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