her time?”
26
Audrey began to whimper.
27
“Oh, no, no, no,” said Marnie. “Don’t do that. Here we go.” Audrey
28
was lifted into the air, her body still so curled, and then finally it made 29
sense.
30
Whatever was in that message was irrelevant. There had been no
31S
revelation, no evidence, no something undone. Because, if there had
32N
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been, this conversation would have been a different thing from the very
01
beginning. Because Marnie has never been someone who keeps secrets.
02
She has never been someone who allows anger to build insistently
03
within her, who lets it percolate and then erupt. If there was something
04
that needed saying, she’d have said it.
05
But I had been too consumed by my own panic. I had inadvertently
06
created a storm from still air and had carelessly revealed my own fear. I 07
had assumed that it would be mirrored in Marnie. But she didn’t know
08
that there was a reason to be afraid of the articles, or the messages, or 09
the constant meddling. I had foolishly assumed that we still knew ev-
10
erything together, still felt everything together, that any spaces that
11
ever opened between us were quickly cemented, but of course that
12
wasn’t true anymore; it could never be true again.
13
I needed to de- escalate the conversation, to hide my anxiety, be-
14
cause she was right to be shocked by it.
15
“Is she okay?” I asked.
16
There was something distracting in the eerie contrast between what
17
she might have uncovered and the perfect serenity of that small, cur-
18
tained cubicle.
19
“I think so,” Marnie said, pulling Audrey close again. She fished
20
another small hat from her rucksack, which was crammed with
21
rolled- up onesies and frilled socks, and she slid this one over Audrey’s 22
forehead until it sat snug above her eyebrows.
23
“I’m sorry,” I said. “And you’re right. We should just ignore her.
24
She’ll stop eventually.”
25
“Exactly,” Marnie replied.
26
A midwife arrived, a different one, to assess Audrey, to test her
27
hearing and to weigh her again and to formally discharge her into the
28
world beyond these hospital walls. She was older, warm and smiling,
29
with a very confident matronly stature. I was grateful for the inter-
30
ruption.
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“And how are you getting home?” she asked, her eyes flickering be-
02
tween the three of us.
03
“I was going to book a taxi,” I replied. “Shall I do that now?”
04
“Do you have a car seat?” she asked.
05
I nodded toward it, squared away at the back of the ward.
06
“Then perfect,” she said. “You’re all ready to go.” She tickled Au-
07
drey’s toes. “Aren’t you a lucky little sausage to have such lovely mum-
08
mies taking you home?”
09
I didn’t correct her.
10
11
12
Jane,” said Marnie, as we waited for our taxi outside the hospital. “Can 13
I ask you something?” She was shivering in her summer dress despite
14
the sunshine.
15
“Anything,” I replied.
16
Audrey, already strapped into her seat, bundled beneath blankets,
17
whimpered and then sneezed.
18
“You seem different,” she said. “Has something upset you?”
19
“I’m fine,” I said.
20
“Was it that journalist?” she asked. “That message?”
21
An ambulance stopped in front of the main entrance, its sirens still
22
shrieking.
23
“Jane,” she said, exasperated.
24
“What?” I asked. “What did you say?”
25
The sirens ceased. A gurney was lowered from the rear of the vehi-
26
cle and rushed into the building, accompanied by two paramedics in
27
green and a doctor in blue.
28
“Are you still bothered by that journalist?”
29
“Maybe,” I said.
30
Marnie sighed. “I get that. But, if anything, it’s worse in some ways
31S
for me. She tricked me. I thought she was nice, that time that we met.
32N
She seemed lovely, actually. And very beautiful too. She seemed so
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kind and compassionate. I really thought that I could trust her. But it
01
was all a performance, wasn’t it? So there we go: lesson learned. I know
02
it’s miserable to have to absorb those accusations— I know what that’s
03
like, remember— but she’s not important anymore.”
04
I nodded as though I understood, as though this made sense, as
05
though I, too, was unsettled by a false accusation.
06
“Or is that not it?” asked Marnie. “Was it something she said? In her
07
message? Is that the problem?”
08
I shook my head.
09
“What did she say to you?” Marnie insisted.
10
I paused, searching for a safe answer. “I expect she said the same
11
thing to me that she said to you,” I replied.
12
“I only listened to the beginning of it,” she said. “I deleted it as soon 13
as I realized who it was from. But what was it? What did she say?”
14
I felt a shiver of relief shake through me. I had been right not to
15
panic. She knew nothing more than she had known before. And then
16
that brief release was overwhelmed by a subtler fear. Because it wasn’t
17
that Valerie had left an irrelevant message, stating nothing of note.
18
Which is where my hope had led me. But simply that I had been lucky.
19
If Marnie hadn’t deleted that message, who knew what she migh
t
20
now know?
21
“Jane?” she asked.
22
“She was calling to apologize,” I said.
23
The truth— and I’m almost ashamed to say it— is that I fabricated
24
the rest of this made- up message spontaneously, without really think-
25
ing about it, embellishing this lie as easily as I had the others.
26
“She said that she’d been having a bad time, that her ex- husband
27
had recently remarried, and that she had thrown herself too forcefully
28
into her work. She said that she was sorry for the hurt that she’d caused, 29
and that she hoped we could forgive her.”
30
That was the sixth lie.
S31
I told it for the same reason that I told the others. But it felt different, N32
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E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
this lie, because it was a pause, not a stop, to a problem. Valerie had
02
come for Marnie. She would come again.
03
The pressure to do something was building, and I needed to ad-
04
dress it.
05
“Oh,” said Marnie, staring at me. “That’s strange. I thought she
06
sounded quite distressed at the beginning of the message. What were
07
the words— ”
08
“It’s not important— ” I began.
09
“No, I know,” she said. “But it’s bugging me now. She said something
10
that immediately made me bristle, you know? And I knew straightaway
11
that it was her and that I didn’t want to listen to it. Because I was sure 12
it was going to be antagonistic and full of ridiculous lies all over again, 13
and I just wasn’t in the mood quite frankly. But . . . Oh, I can’t re-14
member.”
15
“I think she’d been drinking,” I replied.
16
“Perhaps,” she said. “Although I’m sure there was something more.”
17
Did she know? Did she doubt me? I couldn’t tell. But I didn’t think
18
it likely. Because this journalist was the unstable
presence—
who
19
stalked us and harassed us and published malicious lies on the internet.
20
And I was her reliable friend: solid and stable and permanent. If it was
21
the word of one against the word of the other, I know where I’d lay my
22
faith. And yet I felt the smallest of doubts because I don’t think she’d
23
ever disagreed with me quite so easily before.
24
“Right,” she said, as a taxi pulled up in front of us. “This must be it.”
25
26
27
I traveled home with them, clipping Audrey’s car seat into position and 28
carrying her things— nappy bags, blankets, spare outfits— up to the flat.
29
I hovered outside the front door as Marnie wrestled with the key, as it
30
scraped and scratched its way into the lock. And then, eventually, it
31S
swung open.
32N
The apartment was just as we’d left it: tidy but for the blue ball
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anchored in the middle of the lounge, the hallway uncluttered and
01
neat, the black and white rug squared against the bottom of the stairs.
02
I stood there with the bags hanging at my calves and then Marnie
03
turned to me and she said: “We’ve got it from here.”
04
And just like that, I was dismissed.
05
Again, I was dismissed.
06
07
08
09
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
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01
02
03
04
05
Chapter Thirty- Four
06
07
k
08
09
10
11
12
13
14
The spring began to inch toward summer, and I felt frustrated.
I wanted to be spending more time with Marnie.
We made plans, and she canceled them with very little notice. I vis-
15
ited her several times in those first few weeks, delivering supplies— new 16
nappies, medicines, an ice tray— but I never stayed for very long. Be-
17
cause there was always something happening, someone interrupting, a
18
phone call from the nurse or a visit from the midwife.
19
She was so determined to tackle this new stage of her life indepen-
20
dently. She relied on other women, other new mothers who could pro-
21
vide advice that was alien to me. I felt inadequate. She trusted medical
22
professionals who could prescribe ointments of all sorts that were ap-
23
parently necessary in the first few weeks of an infant’s life. I wanted to 24
be there— I really did— and I promise you that I tried to be supportive.
25
But I often felt like a hindrance, not knowing where all the new para-
26
phernalia belonged or how to support a baby’s head or which way
27
around a nappy went.
28
I wanted so desperately to be part of their world, and it didn’t make
29
sense to me that they wouldn’t want that, too. I wanted to learn along
30
with Marnie, to discover the challenges standing beside her. I had a vi-
31S
sion for how our lives should look, the way the three worlds would be
32N
woven into one, and at this distance it felt impossible.
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We went for brunch once, when Audrey was maybe six weeks old. I
01
was so excited to see them both, and I bought a jingling ring of plastic
02
pieces as a present for Audrey. But she wasn’t interested in the gift. She 03
cried constantly, distressed by the new noises and smells and the bright
lights of a café in the sunshine. She was livid, flustered— her little face 05
red like a blister— and Marnie was bouncing her up and down, hushing
06
and shushing and sweating herself.
07
“Fuck it,” she said. “The fans. The fucking fans.”
08
“What fans?” I replied. The waitress brought our plates to the table:
09
scrambled eggs for Marnie and a bacon bap for me.
10
“I was meant to pick them up,” she said. “It’s too hot, the apartment.
11
It’s a nightmare, to be honest. She’s not sleeping, and I have this little 12
thermometer and it’s bright red all the time because it’s so damn hot—
13
I’ve never known a spring like it— but there’s not a lot I can do about
14
the weather, is there? So I ordered three fans. That’s probably a bit over 15
the top— maybe I only needed one— but I was in a flap. Anyway, they’ve
16
got to be picked up by noon and I’ll never get there now, not with her
17
like this. I’ll just have to go tomorrow. Which is another night of
18
screaming.”
19
“I can go,” I offered. “Where is it?”
20
She paused. “Are you sure?” she asked. “Do you mean it? You’d have
21
to leave now.”
22
“Of course,” I replied. I wanted to help.
23
“Well, let me just— ” She rifled through her handbag and pulled out
24
a receipt. “It’s probably only ten minutes if you walk fast?”
25
“Sure,” I said, taking the thin piece of paper from her hand. “It’s no
26
problem.”
27
“But your food— don’t you— ”
28
“I had some cereal earlier,” I said. “I’m fine. Really.”
29
“Well, take this,” she said. And her right hand disappeared into her
30
bag again. She pulled out a small gold key and I recognized it immedi-
S31
ately. “I’ll pay up and I’ll meet you there, but I need to sort her out first, N32
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E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
so you might get back before me. Are you sure about this? It’s all
02
paid for.”
03
“Absolutely,” I said, and I reached out to take the key. I felt the
04
scratch along the flat circular top and I knew that it was the exact same 05
one I’d held before. “I’ll see you there.”
06
I collected the fans, and I carried them back toward her flat; they
07
were heavy and awkward. I let myself in. It felt different there then:
Seven Lies (ARC) Page 37