20
I desperately wanted to be the absolute opposite: calm, composed, con-
21
trolled.
22
She sat down beside me regardless. Her arm nudged mine. I stayed
23
still so that the bobbled fabric of her jumper nestled soft against my
24
bare skin. I felt this anger prickling within me, and I knew that I needed 25
to ignore it and be cautious, to be calculated rather than ruthless.
26
She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
27
I wanted to slap her even though I know that violence is never the
28
answer, and yet everything about her— her smirk, her pink jumper, her
29
mettle— was infuriating. She had accused me of murder, not once, but
30
twice. She had accused me of killing my own husband. And when Mar-
S31
nie was finally beginning to find a path through her grief, it was this
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 274
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 275
11/6/19 4:33 PM
276
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
woman— sitting there beside me— who tore it away, suspending our
02
way forward.
03
“You should get off at the next stop,” I said.
04
“But then I won’t know where you’re going,” she said, and she pulled
05
one of her feet onto the cushioned seat to retie her laces.
06
“You could just ask me,” I replied. “It isn’t interesting. And frankly,
07
if your investigation has led you here, then it’s definitely time to stop.
08
I’m on my way to visit my mother. I see her every weekend and I’m al-
09
ways on this train.”
10
“Where does she live?”
11
“The end of the line.”
12
“Can I have her address?” She smiled at me conspiratorially, as
13
though we were in this together. She put her foot back onto the floor
14
and then started to lift and lower her heel repeatedly, so that her leg
15
bobbed up and down, the tanned flesh of her thigh trembling.
16
“She’s in a residential home,” I said. “Dementia.”
17
I suppose I needed to seem honest, as though I had nothing to hide.
18
I was willingly giving her the information that she wanted to make my-
19
self seem innocent.
20
“I’m so sorry,” said Valerie. “That’s a real shame.”
21
“Why?” I asked bluntly. “Because she won’t be able to tell you any-
22
thing?”
23
She looked shocked. “No,” she insisted. “What an awful thing to say.
24
That isn’t it at all.”
25
“Right,” I said. I didn’t know if she was telling the truth. It didn’t
26
really matter.
27
She looked over her shoulder, out the windows, at the hedgerows
28
sliding past, a blur of green. “You think I’m a monster,” she said. “I’m
29
not. I just know that there’s something else here that still needs uncov-
30
ering. So I have to keep going. It isn’t going to get any better, I’m afraid.”
31S
I think my face must have contorted in some way— perhaps she saw
32N
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 276
11/6/19 4:33 PM
S E V E N L I E S
277
the fear that was nestled inside me— because her eyes shifted quickly
01
until they were almost sympathetic.
02
“Sorry,” she said. “That sounds a little like a threat, doesn’t it?”
03
“Isn’t it?” I asked.
04
“No, you’re right,” she said. “It probably is. Do you feel like I’m get-
05
ting closer?”
06
“There’s nothing to get closer— ”
07
“Stop that,” she said. “You can see it as clearly as I can. There are
08
these little cracks throughout your story. And, somewhere, there’s a
09
wrecking ball that will destroy it completely. I’m going to find it.”
10
I shrugged. “You’re wrong,” I said. It didn’t sound convincing.
11
“I don’t think you killed your husband, though,” she said. “If that’s
12
any consolation.”
13
“It isn’t.”
14
“And I am sorry about that, I suppose. It’s tough.”
15
“You get used to it,” I replied. “To the shit.”
16
“Oh, I hear you,” she said. “Sometimes I’m into my fourth vodka
17
before the edges even begins to soften . . .” She started to twist at the 18
silver ring sitting snug around her thumb. “I’ve just remembered that
19
message,” she said, and she grimaced. “I left you a message. On your
20
answering machine. Anyway, I felt terrible the next morning; I’d drunk
21
far too much. But I meant what I said.”
22
“That you’re still investigating us?” I asked. “I’m just glad Marnie
23
deleted hers before listening to any of that nonsense.”
24
Valerie tilted her head slightly to one side and her eyes widened, and
25
I knew then that I’d made a mistake.
26
“What do you mean?” she asked. “She didn’t listen to it?”
27
I shook my head.
28
“I thought she’d heard it but ignored it.”
29
I didn’t say anything. The family of four got off at Richmond. There
30
was a last- minute kerfuffle— over hats and rucksacks and where was
S31
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 276
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 277
11/6/19 4:33 PM
278
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
the sunblock— and the mother smiled at us uncomfortably as she hur-
02
ried her family out of the carriage just before the doors beeped and
03
closed and we pulled away from the platform.
04
The air- conditioning grunted and groaned and then whistled to a
05
stop. The train suddenly felt quieter, without the whir of the fan and
06
the hiss of cool air entering the carriage. The temperature began to in-
07
crease. I stood to open the window, but it was sealed shut. They were
08
all sealed shut.
09
“All right, princess,” came a voice behind me, and I turned to see
> 10
that the man had returned and was sitting opposite us, where the fam-
11
ily had been sitting a few moments before.
12
I stayed standing but said nothing.
13
“What was it you said back there?” His voice was loud, and others in
14
the carriage were stirring, staring, waiting to see how the situation
15
would unfold. I wondered if they’d been listening all along, how much
16
of our altercation they had overheard.
17
“Hey!” he shouted. Valerie was peering into her purse. “Weren’t ig-
18
noring me earlier, were you?”
19
“There are some seats further down,” I said. “Just over there.”
20
“I’m not looking for a seat, am I, love? I’m wanting to speak to her.”
21
Valerie refused to look up, fiddling instead with wads of old, faded,
22
folded receipts, her empty water bottle, her phone. I should have
23
walked away. I should have let her handle him herself, but there’s this
24
unwritten code between women, and it exists in public places, and
25
more than ever on public transport, that you unite in the presence of
26
threatening men, and so I inevitably— without really thinking about
27
it— stayed there beside her.
28
“Look at me!” he shouted, and, instinctively, she did.
29
Valerie inhaled and then stood up. “Look,” she said. “I’m just trying to
30
have a nice day out with my girlfriend.” I felt her fingers climbing along 31S
my wrist toward my hand. I let her take it. Was she still playing? Was she 32N
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 278
11/6/19 4:33 PM
S E V E N L I E S
279
in control? Or was he? “And we really don’t want any trouble, so what is
01
it exactly that you want?”
02
“Well, doesn’t that explain it,” he said, standing up.
03
I tensed, but he didn’t move any closer.
04
“You’re a dyke.” He laughed. “Why didn’t you say? Suppose I
05
should’ve guessed, what with all the rage and hating.”
06
He walked past us, holding his middle finger up behind his head as
07
he disappeared farther down the carriage.
08
We watched him go and then sat back down.
09
“He’s been stalking me,” she said, very quietly. “We went for a drink
10
once. About a piece I wanted to write. And then I saw him at my show,
11
a dance show. He was watching me from the front of the stage. It really
12
threw me. Anyway, I hope that’s the end of him.”
13
“I want you to get off at the next stop,” I said again.
14
“I won’t follow you,” she replied.
15
“I don’t believe you.”
16
She laughed. “I suppose that’s fair.”
17
“I want you to stop investigating us now.”
18
“I’m not going to do that.”
19
“You are,” I replied. “There’s nothing to find, and you’re stalking me
20
now, which is an offense in itself.”
21
“I’ll tell the police what I’ve found.”
22
“You think they’ll care? About a rainy walk and a noisy apartment?
23
Those things aren’t evidence, Valerie. They’re nothing. You haven’t
24
found anything. You’re wasting your time. There’s something wrong
25
with you.”
26
“There’s nothing wrong with me,” she said, and I could see that I’d
27
found something that unsettled her.
28
“This isn’t normal.” I was trying not to shout, but the anger inside
29
me was bursting within each capillary, tiny explosions beyond my con-
30
trol, itching and pulsing and desperate to escape. “You’re not normal.”
S31
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 278
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 279
11/6/19 4:33 PM
28 0
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
“Says you.” Her face was distorted: her jaw clenched, her eyes nar-
02
rowed, her mouth scowling.
03
“What does that mean?” I said. “What are you saying?”
04
“That you murdered your best friend’s husband. You want to talk
05
about obsession? You want to talk about not normal? I’m coming for 06
you. And you know it. You just can’t quite believe it yet.”
07
“You know what?” I said. “I think you’re jealous.”
08
It was a new thought. It hadn’t occurred to me before that moment.
09
But it must have been percolating somewhere, because it made such
10
perfect sense.
11
She opened her mouth to speak, but she didn’t say anything. Her
12
cheeks sank slightly, indented between her teeth, and her forehead was
13
instantly clear of its creases.
14
“I’m not,” she said eventually.
15
I shrugged, as she had done earlier, in a deliberately flippant way.
16
The train pulled up at the platform. She reached into her handbag
17
and held out a business card. It had an illustration of a fountain pen
18
embossed in gold foil on one side.
19
“I’ll go,” she said. “But take this. And call me. I really want you to. I 20
mean it.”
21
“Not a chance,” I replied.
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31S
32N
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 280
11/6/19 4:33 PM
01
02
03
04
Chapter Thirty- Seven
05
k
06
07
08
09
10
T
11
he door was open, as always, and I knocked lightly against the
12
frame. My mother was sitting in the corner of the room in her
13
armchair. It had a pale wooden frame and polished wooden legs. I
14
hadn’t noticed the pattern before— the cushioned body decorated with
15
electric green swirls— but it was hypnotic set against the purple of her 16
woolen jumper. She was wearing shoes instead of slippers, and I won-
17
dered if she’d been using the moisturizer I’d bought for her birthday,
18
because her skin looked a little softer, a little suppler.
19
“Morning,” I said.
20
She smiled at me and tapped her hand against the armrest of her
21
chair. She still spoke— sometimes— but less and less, and instead used
22
small gestures to convey her meaning. She had once described how it
23
felt to lose words on the way to her lips. She said it was like shepherding 24
children to school, each word a child, but they were unmanageable and
25
arrived at the wrong time or, sometimes, they didn’t arrive at all and
26
stood on the path spinning in circles. Or, even worse, the children who
27
arrived were the wrong children, somebody else’s, and not the ones
28
she’d wanted. The silence was a less frightening alternative.
29
She turned her head toward the bed, encouraging me to sit there.
30
I did as instructed, even though the mattress was horribly uncom-
S31
fortable.
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 280
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 281
11/6/19 4:33 PM
282
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
“You,” she said. And what she meant was: Please tell me about your
02
week, about your day, about your life, about everything that has happened 03
to you since we were last together.
04
“Not a lot to report,” I said. Which was the truth. I had fallen back
05
into a very familiar routine, a reliable combination of work and home
06
and home and work. “But I’m going to call Emma later.”
07
My mother’s face twisted slightly as I said this, and I continued talk-
08
ing so that she didn’t have the space in which to form a reply or to begin 09
her manic gesticulations.
10
“I might even pop over to see her. She’s doing much better since that
11
last trip to the hospital, but it’s probably a good idea to visit even so.”
12
My mother frowned. She’d ignored Emma’s suffering until the ill-
13
ness was thoroughly entrenched in her bones. She hadn’t known me as
14
a wife, only as a widow. But despite these crushing shortcomings, she
15
knew us. And perhaps in a way that only a mother can know a daugh-
16
ter. She knew, for example, that I was manipulating the truth because
17
I was weak. I couldn’t admit that Emma was not doing much better, but
18
in fact seemed to me to be a little worse. Her hair was thinning, and a
19
Seven Lies (ARC) Page 39