30
and I walked to the tube station in the rain, and I sat in a carriage full 31S
of families in dripping anoraks and with condensation clouding the
32N
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 306
11/6/19 4:33 PM
S E V E N L I E S
30 7
windows and I felt hopeful. Because this was good news, wasn’t it?
01
Here was the reunion, the remedy, a way to rebuild what felt so broken.
02
I knew exactly what was going to happen. I could picture her face
03
when she discovered what had happened to Emma: her shock, her sad-
04
ness. I could see her boiling the kettle and ordering takeout and then
05
deciding that tea wasn’t the right tonic, not for this wound, and opening 06
a bottle of wine instead. Audrey would fall asleep quickly— the antibi-
07
otics, the painkillers— and then we’d unpack this sadness together.
08
But it wasn’t quite so straightforward. Because I went to the phar-
09
macy, as instructed, and discovered that it had closed an hour earlier
10
than we’d expected. The sign on the door was accurate— Fridays: 11
8 a.m.— 7 p.m. — but somehow the messages had been mixed, the infor-12
mation muddled. I called Marnie. I said that I’d continue to hers, collect 13
the printed prescription, and find another pharmacy. She started to
14
panic— because what if there was no other pharmacy, no way of finding
15
the right medication tonight?— and I reassured her that everything would
16
be fine, and I envisaged a moment, sometime later that evening, when
17
she would instead be comforting me.
18
I boarded the next train and by the time I reached her station there
19
was a sprawl of gray across the sky, the buildings, the tarmac. I followed 20
my ordinary route to her apartment, through the passageway and past
21
the small row of shops. And all of those steps, all of those moments,
22
were positive. These were my places, the path to my people. I cried
23
briefly— which isn’t unusual for me at the moment— but it was in a
24
strange, sort of cathartic way.
25
I met your neighbor in the lobby. Do you remember the man with
26
the briefcase, rushing off to work the day you were born? He had just
27
returned from the office and was standing in the doorway, pulsing his
28
umbrella into the street to shake off the droplets. He acknowledged me
29
with a small smile and an even smaller nod.
30
Jeremy greeted me with a quick wave.
S31
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 306
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 307
11/6/19 4:33 PM
30 8
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
I felt like I belonged.
02
I knocked on the door and she opened it and she seemed pleased to
03
see me.
04
“You’re here,” she said, and she smiled.
05
She was wearing dark jeans and a cream T- shirt, slack at her hips but
06
snugly cuffed around her upper arms. Her hair was scraped into a loose
07
bun and, as always, the shorter strands had fallen loose at the front. She 08
looked beautiful.
09
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “They said eight o’clock. I’m sure they said
10
eight o’clock.”
11
The flat was impeccable: the floors were shining, and the surfaces
12
were cleared of all debris, and I didn’t recognize a single thing that had 13
belonged to Charles.
14
“Is something the matter?” she asked, and she leaned in close toward
15
me, as though to get a better look. “Have you been crying?”
16
I suppose I must have nodded.
17
“What is it?” she asked, ushering me into the living room.
18
Audrey was lying on a yellow mat on the floor, wearing only a nappy
19
and with her cheeks flushed and pink.
20
“Here,” Marnie insisted. “Sit down. What’s going on?”
21
She stood in front of me and I looked at her black leather belt and its
22
gold clasp and I tried to concentrate. I wasn’t crying anymore, but my
23
eyes were sore. I wondered if they were red or framed by black smudges.
24
I sat on the sofa and hugged a gray cushion to my chest.
25
“I’ve had a terrible week,” I said. “ Emma . . .”
26
I didn’t know how to finish the sentence, but then I didn’t need to
27
say anything further.
28
“No,” Marnie said, in a breath. “Oh, God. When? What happened?
29
Why didn’t you call me?”
30
“I found her.”
31S
“Jane!”
32N
“On Monday.”
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 308
11/6/19 4:33 PM
S E V E N L I E S
30 9
Marnie paced her living room, running her fingers through her hair,
01
circling the coffee table. It had wooden legs and a glass top and, when I 02
looked closely, I could see that there were small smears— fingerprints
03
and watermarks, white rings from mugs and glasses— spread across the
04
surface.
05
“You should have called me,” she said. “I’d have come straight over.
06
I can’t believe this. How did they . . . Have you told your mum?”
07
Marnie shut the doors to the balcony and then pulled the curtains
08
over the glass. The room felt suddenly smaller, without the noise of car
09
horns and voices on the sidewalk below.
10
It was just us.
11
“She’s barely there,” I replied. “It felt as though she disappeared in-
12
stantly the moment I told her. She wouldn’t look at me after that. She
13
wouldn’t listen to me. She was still sitting there, just as she’d been a
14
few minutes before, but she was completely gone.”
15
“Oh, Jane, I’m so sorry.” Marnie sank down onto the sofa beside me.
16
“It makes sense,” I replied.
17
“It doesn’t make sense,” Marnie said. “I mean . . . how does it make
18
any sense at all?”
19
“She’s always adored Emma, hasn’t she? And whether it’s the de-
20
mentia or . . . What does it matter? She’s never be
en there to support
21
me before.”
22
Marnie secreted a small squeak from the back of her throat. “What
23
an awful thing to happen,” she said. “This is terrible. I mean . . . You 24
poor thing. This must have been such a shock. Have you been at work?”
25
I shook my head.
26
“You’ve been at home? All week? By yourself? Why didn’t you . . . ?”
27
She grabbed my hands and her fingernails were painted in pink polish
28
and they were so long that they tickled at my skin as she warmed my
29
knuckles between her palms. “I could have been there,” she said. “I
30
could have taken care of you. I hate thinking that you’ve been going
S31
through this on your own.”
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 308
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 309
11/6/19 4:33 PM
310
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
“It’s not so bad,” I said.
02
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she said, slapping me on the arm. “It’s crazy
03
to be on your own after such a . . . such a trauma. I’m always— I’ve al-
04
ways been— just at the end of the phone. You should have called. But
05
that doesn’t matter now. I’m here. I’m here. I’m always here. When is
06
the funeral? Will your mother come? Do you need help organizing it?
07
Or with her place? What can I do?”
08
“I’ve agreed to clear out her flat tomorrow,” I said. “They have some-
09
one new moving in on Monday. I hoped it wouldn’t be such a rush, but
10
they’re in such demand— they’re so cheap, you know, and— ”
11
Audrey began to whimper and within seconds she was screaming.
12
Her little face was a painful red, her little fists clenched and pounding 13
at the floor, her feet flailing in the air.
14
“Oh, I know, I know,” said Marnie, rushing to pick her up. “I know
15
you feel awful, my poor little darling.” She bounced Audrey on her hip,
16
spinning slowly, facing me and then turning away, but never looking my
17
way. “I know, I know.” She held the back of her hand against Audrey’s
18
forehead. “Oh, my little one, you’re burning up again. What time is it?”
19
She glanced at the clock hanging on the wall, its thick roman numerals,
20
its thin metal hands. “Yes, let’s take something to sort this fever. And
21
Mummy will get that prescription for Auntie Jane and we’ll have you
22
back to your normal self in no time.”
23
They disappeared toward the kitchen.
24
“Jane,” she called, “will you look for one that’s open?”
25
I told myself to stay calm, to be patient, not to read a truth that
26
wasn’t there into the sense of abandonment that was filling my lungs,
27
the panic that was crackling through me. I forced myself to do as she’d
28
asked, and I found only one pharmacist open nearby. It was just a few
29
miles from the flat, but it wasn’t close to a train station and there were 30
no bus stops in that area, either. I could hear Audrey squalling, Mar-
31S
nie’s incessant platitudes— “There, now. Don’t cry. Mummy’s here”—
32N
and I felt a rage building within me and I tried to suppress it.
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 310
11/6/19 4:33 PM
S E V E N L I E S
311
“Well?” she said as she came back in, and she frowned as I explained
01
the problem, that it would take me over an hour to get there— I’d have
02
to walk most of it— and perhaps even longer to get back.
03
“Oh, this is ridiculous,” she said. “We’re in one of the biggest cities
04
in the world and I can’t find a fucking pharmacy that’s in any way acces-
05
sible. Okay. Right. I’m going to put her down and then I’ll have to do it 06
myself. I’ll drive. That’ll be quicker. And you’ll stay here with Audrey?
07
Is that okay?”
08
I nodded.
09
“Good,” she said. “Give me a few minutes.”
10
They went upstairs and I turned on the television and I tried to find
11
something that I wanted to watch, and there were so many choices but
12
nothing that felt even vaguely appealing. I went to the fridge and there
13
was a bottle of white wine, so I opened it— I didn’t think she’d mind—
14
and poured myself a small glass. I looked through the cupboards, trying
15
to find a DVD or a book that appealed, but I couldn’t concentrate prop-
16
erly. Five minutes passed. And then ten. I stared into the black of the
17
television screen, a dark void in the center of the fireplace.
18
“Okay,” said Marnie, rushing back in. “She isn’t asleep— I’m so tired
19
that I can’t quite believe either of us will ever sleep again; she’s totally 20
wired— but at least she’s calmer now. The crying’s stopped and that’s a
21
start.” She rushed around, gathering her purse and her phone and the
22
car keys and pressing them into her black leather handbag. “I think that’s 23
everything,” she said. She dragged her trench coat from the wooden peg
24
in the hallway and pulled it over her shoulders. She pointed up the
25
stairs. “Will you check on her in a few minutes? Make sure that her
26
temperature’s dropping? There’s a thermometer in there: one of those
27
ones for the ears. If she gets too riled- up, try feeding her. It’s in the fridge 28
if you need it. Her change bag is underneath the stairs, but I think there’s 29
everything in her room already. Right. I’m off. I’ll be back in no time,
30
half an hour at most. We’ll talk properly when I’m back. I’m so sorry,
S31
Jane. I won’t be long.”
N32
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 310
11/6/19 4:33 PM
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 311
11/6/19 4:33 PM
312
E L I Z A B E T H K AY
01
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I felt the
02
most incredible disappointment and I thought I might feel angry, but I
03
didn’t. I was simply sad.
04
So I came up here, to your bedroom.
05
>
And I started to tell you this story.
06
Because it’s something that you deserve to hear.
07
This, after all, is the story of how you came to be, of your life, and
08
the people that led us both to this moment. It was meant to be a story
09
about your father, about his inadequacies, about his death. It was meant
10
to be a story about your mother, about her brilliance, and all the little 11
ways that our love has sustained us both. It was meant to reassure me,
12
to remind me, to make this evening feel less unforgivable.
13
But it wasn’t and it hasn’t.
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31S
32N
9781984879714_SevenLies_TX.indd 312
11/6/19 4:33 PM
01
02
03
04
Chapter Forty- Two
05
k
06
07
08
09
10
T
11
here are plenty of things that make you feel worse when they
12
ought to make you better. Takeout, for example. It feels won-
13
derful in the moment: the sharp tomato base of a pizza, acidic mango
14
chutney with a poppadum, crispy- duck pancakes. But it weighs heavy
15
within you. It never feels quite as good afterward as you thought it
16
would before you ate it. I had anticipated that my conversation with
17
Marnie would follow a very different path. I didn’t expect to feel so
18
much worse afterward.
19
Because I thought I knew her. If you’d have asked me, I’d have said
20
that I could accurately predict her response to just about any conversa-
21
tion. I could tell you, for example, that she’d like her burger cooked
22
medium- well, extra cheese, and yes, please, to tomatoes. I could tell
23
you that she’d roll her eyes if you asked about her parents, no matter
24
who you were, no matter what your question. I could tell you that she’d
25
deliver her copy after the deadline you’d set, but that it’d be no more
26
than a few hours late. I could tell you that she wouldn’t call you back,
27
and not to bother leaving a message, because she was unlikely to ever
28
listen to it. I could tell you that she couldn’ t— absolutely wouldn’ t— eat 29
Seven Lies (ARC) Page 43