by Robin Martin
A stab of jealousy hit me when she mentioned Harry. Yet he was my friend and a good guy. He was perfect for Zoe, and that’s what made it so hard.
I shook my head. ‘Sorry, but if I can’t go with Zoe, I’m not going at all.’
‘Come on, Orion. Do something for someone else for a change. It won’t kill you to go with Kerri. All you guys hang out anyway. It’ll be just like lunch time at school, except you’ll be all dressed up.’
I had nothing against Kerri. In a weird way, she reminded me of some of our own people—smart and painfully truthful—but I couldn’t bear the thought of being at a dance, seeing Zoe with someone else and having to pretend it didn’t matter. Especially after this afternoon. We had been together for approximately half an hour until I blew it, again. ‘Sorry, Pandora. You’ll just have to find a date for Kerri somewhere else. Besides, why do you care so much? Thought you believed humans were inferior.’
‘Well, of course they are. But Kerri is also my friend. She’s kind of sweet when you get to know her. I don’t have to explain everything to her twice, like I do with most humans. She gets me, which is rare. I’m too complicated for most people.’
‘And so modest as well.’
‘Oh, very funny, Orion.’ She swung her hair over her shoulder. ‘I don’t short sell myself, that’s true. Unlike you. Have you thought anymore about what I said? You should really consider testing out some of your abilities before you lose them altogether. And, after you’ve had some fun here, you can return to the mothercloud. They’d take you back. I’ll put in a good word for you, if you like.’ She gave me a cheeky grin.
‘Somehow, I don’t think that’d help me much.’
She shrugged and stood up. ‘Think about it. Think about the other thing too. Kerri’s a good kid and deserves a break.’
‘What’s going to happen when you’re tired of playing with these humans, Pandora? Do you care about the people you’ll leave behind, the hearts you might have broken or the feelings you might have hurt? Have you even considered that Kerri might rather go to the formal with you rather than me?’
Pandora looked at me, and for a moment I thought I glimpsed something real in her eyes. ‘Sure, I’ve thought of it. I’m not blind. And you know what, there’s a part of me that would also rather go with Kerri than with Chad Everett. But, when I leave here, I won’t care about breaking Chad’s heart, if he even has one, but I would care about breaking Kerri’s. Don’t you see? That’s why I want you to ask her. I can’t risk it. I can’t let Kerri become to me what Zoe is to you.’ She turned with a whirl of hair that brushed my face and headed out the door, but not before I saw her eyes mist.
Chapter Twenty-Two
School had become unimportant to me. Mum had seen the doctor, and she had had some more tests, including an ultrasound. Now that they knew the lump was cancer, she needed surgery to remove it. She was being positive and upbeat. They had caught it early, she said, so that was a good thing. Dad was all supportive and positive too, on the surface. But sometimes, when he thought no one was looking, I saw the worry etched on his face, and for the first time ever, my father looked old to me.
Mum’s surgery was scheduled for the day I had my history exam. It was the last thing I cared about. Studying the past seemed so futile when I was wondering what the future would even hold for Mum, for us as a family. But there was no way Mum or even Dad would let me miss it. This was year twelve, the big one, and my results would decide what degree I would get into at uni. I was so over this and all the pressure. Working at the local IGA didn’t seem like such a bad idea at this point. But Mum and Dad went to the hospital, and I went to school.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone—not Lou, Kerri, or even Harry, and certainly not Rion. He had tried to talk to me, but I was in no mood to listen. Maybe I was being unfair, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t interested in an explanation; all I was interested in was Mum getting better. There was no room in me for any other feelings. After a few attempts, Rion left me alone, which was fine with me.
So, nobody knew that Mum had gone into hospital, and after the exam, which I could hardly remember even minutes after it was over, everyone chatted on about the most useless, trivial things that seemed completely stupid to me. I half-heartedly picked at my sandwich, wondering if I could skip classes for the rest of the day and go home.
‘You’re quiet today, Zoe,’ Harry said as the others talked about some stupid reality show. ‘Anything up?’
‘No, nothing.’
‘How’s your Mum?’
I tried really hard not to show it, but my face started to crumple. Harry grabbed my arm and lifted me to a standing position. ‘Come on, let’s get out of here.’
As the others looked up, he said, ‘Zoe’s not feeling well. I’m just walking her to the girls’ toilet.’
He started leading me away from everyone as Lou called out, ‘Do you want me to come with?’
We rounded the corner of the sports shed, near the trees on the corner of the oval. And then, Harry pulled me ’round the corner, out of sight. I burst into big, shaky sobs as he pulled me into his arms and held me. ‘Hey, it’s okay,’ he said. ‘Just let it out. No one can see you here.’
I didn’t know how long I stood there, crying all over Harry’s school shirt. Finally, my sobs became hiccupy and then turned into just the occasional shaky sniff. When I could talk, I looked up at him and said, ‘Thanks, Harry.’
‘You okay for the moment?’ he asked, his soft brown eyes full of concern.
I nodded. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to break down like that. I’ve made such a mess of your shirt.’
He shrugged and said, ‘It’s only my school shirt.’ He leaned against the shed. ‘You want to tell me about it?’
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, opened them again, and then said, ‘Mum’s operation is today. They’ve confirmed she’s got cancer. They’re going to remove the lump in her breast.’
‘Damn. I’m sorry, Zoe. No wonder you’re upset.’
‘Mum keeps telling Dad and me that it’ll be all right. That they caught it early. But what if they haven’t? What if it isn’t okay?’
‘Your mum’s still young, and up till now, she’s been healthy. That’s got to help. And because they’ve diagnosed it early, she’s got a really good chance of beating it. Lots of people do. The odds are on her side.’
‘That’s true,’ I said. Harry’s calm logic made me feel better. ‘Thanks, you always seem to know the right thing to say.’
He smiled. ‘I guess it comes from knowing you so well. After all, we been friends forever.’
‘Yes, we have. You knew I was going to break down, and you got me out of there so quickly because you knew I would hate it if everybody saw it.’ I put my hand on his cheek, its warmth feeling so comforting against my cold hand. ‘Thanks, friend.’
As I looked into the kind eyes of the boy I had known since I was four years old, I realised how lucky I was to have somebody who would always know how I felt, who would always get me. He raised a hand to cup it over mine. ‘I’ll always be here if you need me, Zoe. You only have to ask.’
And I knew he meant more than just a friend. But I wasn’t ready to go there, and he knew that too. He squeezed my hand and gave it back to me. ‘You ready to go back to class. I think the bell went ages ago.’
I shook my head. ‘Now that our exam is over, I’m just going to go home. I’ve had enough of school today.’
‘You want me to come with you?’
‘No, thanks anyway. I’d rather be alone for a while.’
‘Okay, I understand. I’ll just head back in then. But text or call if you need me.’
‘Yeah, I will.’
He nodded and, giving me another brief smile, turned and went back around the shed towards the school buildings.
I felt totally spent and empty. But, in a way, breaking down like that had also made me feel strangely at peace. I knew, for now at least, I was okay. I could go home and wa
it for what would happen next. I was as ready for that as I ever would be.
When I got home, Dad wasn’t there. He’d decided to stay in the hospital and wait till after the op was over. I couldn’t study, so I decided to vacuum and clean the house. At least that was one thing Dad wouldn’t have to do on the weekend. Mum was staying in overnight as her doctor wanted to keep an eye on her.
Finally, Dad arrived home bringing pizza. He put the box on the kitchen table and gave me a tired smile.
‘How’s Mum?’
‘She’s resting now, but the doctor said the operation went well and they think they’ve got all the cancer. They’ll have the full results in a day or two.’
I gave a deep sigh of relief and then gave Dad a hug. ‘I’m so glad.’
He returned my hug and then sat down. ‘Me too.’
‘And how is Mum feeling?’
‘Okay, I think. She says she’s fine, but you know Mum. She’s a trooper.’
I nodded and smiled and then went to get some plates for the pizza.
As we ate, Dad said, ‘How’s Rion? I haven’t seen him around much lately.’
‘Oh, you know, what with school and everything, we’ve been busy.’
‘Everything all right?’ Dad looked at me.
I really didn’t want to go into the Rion thing at the moment, especially since I was feeling so confused myself, so I just nodded and said, ‘Yeah, sure.’
Yet when I was in my room later, I thought about it. I missed Rion, but I still couldn’t get over that he had broken up with me, said he was with Pandora—even if he wasn’t—and then wouldn’t even try to help Mum. That was a bridge too far. Besides Mum wasn’t even home from hospital yet, and we hadn’t received the full report on her condition. Even though it seemed good at this point, cancer could always come back. And I just wasn’t ready to forgive Rion yet.
The next day Mum was home, and I was so glad to see her. ‘Mum,’ I said, rushing into her arms. She winced a little, and then I remembered her surgery. I let her go and stood back. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t think. I’m such a klutz at times.’
‘That’s okay, darling. I’m a little sore, but I’m not made of glass. I won’t break.’
‘I’ll get you a cup of tea,’ Dad said. ‘You just go and sit down with Zoe.’
We went into the lounge room, and Mum sat down on the sofa. I sat next to her, waiting for her to tell me what happened but not wanting to bombard her with questions.
‘The operation seemed to go well. The doctor spoke to me briefly afterwards and said things were looking good. They removed the lump and some of the breast tissue around it. Now they’ll send it to pathology, and I should get the results in a day or two.’
‘So, that’s it? You’re okay now?’ I asked, trying not to sound anxious. Even though Dad had told me more or less the same thing yesterday, it was good to hear it again from her.
‘Well, I’ll probably have to have some radiation treatments, but I’m hoping that’s it. I’ll know more when the results come back.’
I breathed a cautious sigh of relief as I leaned back on the sofa. Then I said, ‘Radiation, that’s not so bad, is it? I mean, it’s not as bad as chemo where you lose your hair and everything.’
Mum gave me a tired smile. ‘No, the side effects are usually not as dramatic. I’ll probably be a little red and sore, but hopefully not much more than that.’
‘I just want you to get better.’ I swallowed the lump in my throat.
‘It’s what we all want,’ Dad said, as he came into the room carrying a tray, the mugs jiggling against each other. He set the tray down and passed Mum a mug and then a plate of Tim Tams, her favourite biscuit.
‘Hey, this is pretty good service,’ she said as she took one. ‘I’ll have to get sick more often.’
‘Don’t even think it,’ Dad said as he sat in the chair opposite her.
‘You’re right, I don’t want to think about it. I just want to get back to my life again. Even marking the grade six’s history tests has a certain appeal at the moment, compared to being in hospital, that is.’ She gave a thin smile.
‘You’re not going back to school yet, are you?’ I looked at her in surprise.
She shook her head. ‘I’ve taken a couple of weeks sick leave, but I’ll go back after that. I’ll be able to fit any treatments in and around work. And, I’d really rather be active and get on with things. That’s the best way, I think.’
We had a quiet evening together and even watched a Star Wars movie on Netflix. When I went to bed that evening, I was feeling a whole lot better than the night before. Even though she wasn’t out of the woods yet, Mum was getting there. The cancer was gone. Now she just had to get through the radiation treatment, and we could all go back to normal.
That night I got a call from Rion. ‘How’s your mum?’
‘She’s okay. She had surgery today, and they removed the lump.’
‘You should have told me.’ He sounded hurt. ‘I wanted to be there for you. I didn’t want you to go through this alone.’
I realised I’d asked too much of him when I expected him to magically cure Mum. I’d been unfair because I had been so worried. But there was still a part of me that wished he would at least have tried. And, if I was being totally honest, maybe I still hadn’t got over him dumping me. ‘That’s okay. I wasn’t alone. I had Dad, and Harry has been supportive.’
‘Oh, Harry,’ he said, in a toneless voice. ‘He knew about your Mum’s surgery then, did he?’
‘No, he just knew I was upset, and then I told him.’
We were silent for a few moments. Then he said, ‘Zoe, are you ever going to forgive me?’
‘There’s nothing to forgive, Rion. You haven’t done anything wrong. I was just mistaken in thinking you could do anything to cure her. I was disappointed, that’s all.’
‘Can we at least be friends?’
‘Yeah, sure,’ I said. ‘We’ll always be friends.’
‘But nothing more?’
‘Let’s just take it one step at a time for now, Rion. The only thing I’m concerned about at the moment is Mum getting better.’
‘Yes, of course. Tell her I’m glad the operation went well and I’m thinking of her.’
‘I will, thanks.’ I hung up and put the phone down on my bed. I still missed Rion, and maybe when Mum was on the mend, I would reach out to him again. But right now, I needed space.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Mum’s doctor rang her to give her the results. The lump was malignant, but the tissue was clear, and it seemed there was nothing else. As Mum had predicted, they were going to give her a short course of radiation treatments to be on the safe side. I finally felt I could relax, and the steel band of worry that seemed to crush my chest was gone. Now, I only had year twelve to worry about—piece of cake really.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, including Kerri, was talking about the year twelve formal that was happening in a month’s time. Our school usually had it at midyear so that the year twelve students could concentrate on their studies and exams in semester two. A lot of girls had already bought their dresses and had their dates. I hadn’t given it much thought up until now. Earlier in the year, I had taken it for granted I’d be going with Rion, but now that seemed unlikely. Even if he did ask me, I wasn’t sure what my answer would be. I wasn’t ready to go back to girlfriend/boyfriend status quite yet.
But that left me with a dilemma. What if Harry asked me? Would I say yes? Was I ready to take that step with him? I really didn’t know. And the formal was fast approaching. Lou was going with Mike, and she had asked me to go formal shopping with her that Saturday. I had been saving for my dress since the beginning of the year as formal dresses were ridiculously expensive, and Mum and Dad had given me some extra money to help. But, as Lou and I bussed it to the shopping centre, I confided in her. ‘I don’t know if I really want to go to the formal.’
She looked at me in surprised. ‘Of course you have to go. It’s
a milestone of our high school years.’
I shook my head. ‘Things still aren’t good between Rion and me. I just don’t feel very enthusiastic about the formal at all.’
‘You and Kerri can go together, and you can hang out with Mike and me. You don’t have to have a date, you know. Lots of girls don’t. Just go and have fun, Zoe. You’ll always regret it if you don’t.’
‘Yeah, I guess.’
‘And I think Kerri really wants to go. If you don’t go with her, who is she going to hang out with?’
‘Maybe some guy will ask her out.’
Lou looked at me. ‘Kerri is my friend, but the only boys she knows are Harry and Rion. So unless one of them asks her out, I don’t think anyone else will.’
I sighed. ‘You’re laying a guilt trip on me, Lou.’
‘Is it working?’
‘Oh all right, I’ll go to the formal, if only to stop you nagging me.’
Lou sat back in her seat and gave a self-satisfied smile. ‘Good.’
When we got to the shops, two things became clear. Not only were formal dresses expensive, they were out-of-this-world expensive and none of them suited me. I was no longer a stick—thank goodness—but I still didn’t have enough curves to keep up some of the strapless dresses, and I hated the frills and fussiness of some of the others. I wished we could wear jeans to the formal. That would be so much easier. But if I was fussy, Lou was ten times worse. The afternoon wore on, and I was beginning to think we weren’t going to find anything. I decided I was going to get the next dress that a) fit me and b) was in my budget. After all, what did it matter since the formal just wasn’t ranking high on my priorities right now? Lou and I went into the last shop that sold formals, and I just grabbed a dark purply dress while Lou decided on a black one. I tried mine on. It was close fitting and had small shoulder straps that kept it up. I twirled in front of the mirrors. I wasn’t sure if I liked the cut as it might be hard to dance in, but I was so tired of looking that I decided it would do. When I took a closer look at the price tag and saw it was on sale, it was a done deal for me.