by Leigh, T. K.
I had no idea how to respond to this. Marley was one of the smartest and most observant girls in school. She saw the spectacle of the pageants and competitions that girls begged to participate in as what they really were…a contest between the moms to gain bragging rights among their close-minded circle of friends.
“You could quit, Mar. Tell people how you really feel about it all.”
She shook her head. “If I pull out of the Jessamine Court, they’ll just replace me with someone else. My opinion won’t stop it. We’re all powerless to change anything. I’ll suffer through this last year of high school knowing that I can leave this all behind me in college and start over again…with you.”
“Mar…” I said in a cautioning tone. “We’ve talked about this. You need to go where you need to go, and I need to go where I do.”
She grabbed my hand in hers and turned to meet my eyes. “I will go where I need to go. Wherever you are and are happy is where I need to be.”
I couldn’t help but smile at her words. Marley and I had been through everything together. We had held each other’s hands through all the turmoil and dysfunction of the early years of our lives. We supported each other and laughed together as we blossomed into our teenage years. I was more than aware we had a bond that most kids my age would think was strange. I wouldn’t give this connection up for anything. Marley was my other half. She was my heart. She was my light. She was my best friend. She was my voice of reason. She was my everything. And I knew I was all those things to her, too.
“To the moon and back, Mar.”
“From the stars to the ocean, Cam.”
CHAPTER NINE
HYPOCRISY
THIS TOWN EMBODIES HYPOCRISY. I can smell it in the air. I can feel it as the wind brushes my skin. I can taste it in the water. And I can see it when I look around at the people of my uncle’s church every Sunday. Hypocrites. “Pray to God,” they say. “And he’ll free you of your sins.” What about other peoples’ sins? And what if their sins still haunt me? What do I do about that?
I’ll tell you what you do, Marley. You go to church. You sit in the front pew with your aunt, the pastor’s wife, their two kids, and your brother. You smile. You shake hands with your fellow parishioners. You nod when they say how far you’ve come since you first stepped foot in this town, beaten, bruised, and tormented. Of course they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know you were abused every day. Such dignified people don’t talk about such things. No. They simply thought our drug-addicted mother could no longer take care of us. You bite your tongue when they say that they prayed for you to find your way. Little do they know that I’m still as lost as I ever was.
I had never gone to church when I was growing up. As far as I could remember, it wasn’t until Cam and I came to live with our aunt and uncle that we had ever stepped foot in a house of God. They both tried to infuse religion into our lives, but I don’t think it’s worked. I’m not saying I don’t believe in God. I just wonder how this all-loving, all-forgiving being could possibly allow a man to harm a little girl. Where was God when that was happening?
Listening to my uncle preach from his pulpit today, my body was in the poised position that I had mastered over the last six years…back straight; legs crossed at the ankles; small, yet pleasant smile on my face. All eyes of the church were not only on my uncle, but also on us. Any bad behavior on our part reflected poorly on him. Be well-behaved. Be gentile. Be perfect. Be anything but what you truly are. It wasn’t just me, either. Looking around the church, every last person was pretending to be someone they weren’t. Jessica Harper, the school slut, sat across the aisle from me, praying and nodding in agreement with my uncle as he spoke of saving yourself for marriage. She couldn’t even save herself for a week! But there she sat, her body in the same position as mine, her legs crossed at the ankles…even though we all knew they were spread wide open the night before.
We were all puppets. Every single one of us. The cycle had been going on for years and we’d all been powerless to stop it.
A loud grunting sound brought me back from my thoughts and my entire body stiffened, the air sucked from my lungs.
I felt a hand grab mine and looked to my left, meeting my brother’s silver-blue eyes. He squeezed and gave me a reassuring nod. I hated the guttural sound of a man clearing his throat. That’s what he always did. It brought me back there…to that horrible time in my life when all these peoples’ God was nowhere to be found. My uncle always told me that He has a purpose for everything, even in horrific events. I wonder what His purpose was in allowing a grown man to molest and beat me every night. I don’t see what it could possibly be. I don’t think I ever will.
I heard the sound again and all I could see was a sweaty body on top of mine. All I could hear were my screams echoing in my head. All I could smell was the scent of nicotine and stale beer. My chin quivered and I felt as if I was losing control of everything. All it took was one sound, one vocalization from a human throat, and I was back in that dingy apartment.
As my uncle spoke of God’s plan, I couldn’t take it anymore. I bolted from the pew and ran down the aisle, gossiping eyes glued to me as I retreated from the sanctuary and into the church basement, locking myself in the ladies’ room. I could feel the whispers of the congregation on my skin as I splashed water on my face, trying to shake the memories.
I hated how the smallest things set me off, forcing me to return to that horrible time in my life. It always seemed to happen just when I thought I could move on and have a normal, teenage life. As much as I tried to convince myself that I was moving forward, it was almost like the world was reminding me that I was still living in the past…like someone was trying to keep the fear and torment inside of me.
A gentle knock sounded as I peered at my reflection in the mirror, the image of a degraded eleven-year-old girl staring back at me regardless of the fact that I hadn’t seen that person in over six years.
“Mar? It’s me. Are you okay? Wait. Let me rephrase that because I know you’re not okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
Taking a deep breath, I tried to pull myself together so that Cam didn’t see me so unsettled. It always worried him when I freaked out because of a memory. I hated the thought of constantly dragging him down because of my relapses. How much longer could he possibly be my life-guard?
I opened the door and met his concerned eyes. “I’m fine, Cam. I just needed a minute. I’m sure Aunt Terryn is already on damage control, telling everyone that I have my period or something to explain why I left…other than the truth. God forbid anyone actually knew the truth!”
“Want to get out of here?” he asked, raising his eyebrows.
I glanced at the clock on the wall of the church basement, noting that the service wouldn’t be over for another twenty minutes. There was no way in hell that I could go back in there.
Smiling, I nodded.
“Good. We’re both going to get into so much trouble, but I don’t give a fuck.”
I placed my hand over my chest in faux shock. “Cameron Michael Bowen,” I said in my playful gentile voice, “how dare you say the word fuck in a house of God! I do declare.” I batted my eyelashes at him and my heart warmed at the smile on his face. I knew that no matter what I was going through, I could get through it as long as I could look at Cam and see him smile.
“Come on, Mar. Let’s go break a few rules. Go big or go home! And I’m pretty sure you don’t want to go home. Am I right?”
I nodded once more and before I knew it, Cam was hauling me out of the church basement, the potluck organizer glowering at us in disgust because we were ditching early. Cam must have noticed her displeasure and he turned around quickly. “Oh, Mrs. Dumond?”
I looked over his shoulder at her smug grin.
“I do hope you enjoy your Sunday potluck, but Marley and I are unable to attend. You see, Marley was molested and abused nearly every night for three years right after she turned eight, and certain sounds set
her off. So, if you feel the need to spread lies and rumors about why we left, think about how you would feel if that were your daughter.” There was a brief pause as her jaw dropped open in shock. “Brush that under the fucking rug, if you will.”
He spun around and grabbed my hand, pulling me out of the church and toward his Wrangler. After opening the door and helping me in, he ran around to his side and started the engine, looking at me with a grin of satisfaction on his face. “I’m breaking all the rules today, Marley Jane. No matter what, we’re going to get in trouble so let’s make it worth it. What do you want to do?”
My eyes beamed with excitement. “Want to go on a road trip?”
He put his car in first and drove out of the church parking lot. “You bet. But, first, we need to make a few quick stops to stock up on provisions.” He winked and I could finally shed the person I was forced to be for the last half-hour while I sat within those four walls of judgment.
CHAPTER TEN
LIFE
“ARE WE ACTUALLY GOING to do something, or are we just going to drive around town all day?” Marley huffed.
I looked into my rearview mirror at the back seat of my Wrangler, Marley’s hand firmly enclosed in Doug’s, and shook my head. “Mar, patience. We’re leaving now.”
She winked at me and reached into the front seat, grabbing Brianna’s arm. “I’m so glad you were able to get out of the house.”
Brianna smiled nervously. “Anything to escape for a minute.”
“Where are we going?” Doug asked.
“Road trip.”
“Go big or go home!” Marley exclaimed, repeating my words from earlier.
“We’re going to Charleston. It’s our last Sunday before starting school. We may as well enjoy the lack of homework while we can!” I pulled onto the interstate and headed south, the wind rustling through the open-top of my Jeep.
“How did you get away from church and everything today?!” Brianna shouted, glancing at Doug.
I chuckled. “Doug’s Jewish. You didn’t know that?”
Her face turned red. “No. I’m sorry, Doug. I had no idea.”
He shrugged. “It’s okay. It’s not a disease or anything. And I get more holidays than all of you! My family’s not really that Jewish. I mean, we do some holidays, but it’s mostly for the food. I’m a sucker for a latke.”
We all erupted in laughter and, for a little while, everything felt perfect. The miles between Myrtle Beach and Charleston passed with ease as we fought over who got to control the radio, Marley constantly leaning from the back to try to find Madonna, singing at the top of her lungs when she finally stumbled across a radio station playing Vogue. I laughed at Brianna and Marley and all their hand gestures as they sang along with the “Material Girl”.
After a fun-filled two-hour drive with musical accompaniment that ranged from Janet Jackson to Metallica and everything in between, I finally pulled off the interstate and drove through the historic streets of downtown Charleston. Finding a public lot off of Market Street, I parked the Wrangler and our small little party went in search of amusement on that sunny, warm August day.
“Where to first?” I asked as we walked down a narrow cobblestone sidewalk, a horse-drawn carriage going by as it gave out-of-towners a tour of one of the most haunted cities in South Carolina.
“You know where,” Marley replied, raising her eyebrows at me.
Groaning, I glanced over my shoulder at Doug, his eyes trained on Marley as if something horrible would happen if he looked away. “Hope you like to shop. Marley’s got a thing for the central marketplace.”
“It’s fantastic, Cam!” she protested. “Where else can you look at table after table of homemade goods, instead of that crappy commercial stuff you get everywhere else? I’m all about supporting the little guy. And I plan on supporting them with my latest paycheck!”
“Fine. But if Doug and I have to suffer through this, can we at least eat first?”
“I suppose.”
“Actually,” Brianna said, finally joining in on the conversation, “I’m kind of hungry, too. It is past noon.”
“That settles it. We eat first. Crab House, Mar?” I asked, looking back over my shoulder.
She nodded in agreement. “Is there anywhere else? You know I’m a creature of habit.”
I led the way across Market Street toward the Crab House. The hostess sat us at a table outside and we finally relaxed for the first time all morning.
“So,” Doug said, breaking the ice a bit, “is there a reason y’all played hooky from church today?”
I noticed Marley’s back become rigid and she gave me a cautioning look. Even if she hadn’t, I wasn’t going to say anything. It wasn’t my place. “No reason.” I shrugged. “I figured it was too nice a day to waste it in some church basement, socializing with people we hardly know.”
“Yeah,” Brianna said, rolling her eyes. “Marley and I will have enough of that in the coming months with all the functions we have to be at for the Jessamine Court.”
I turned to her. “Your step-dad’s on the committee with my aunt, isn’t he?”
“Yeah.” Her voice was quiet and I could sense that she didn’t like speaking about her step-father so I tried to change the subject.
“How’s your father been? Is he teaching at the school again this year?”
She swallowed hard, her carefree demeanor still replaced by agitation. I could only assume that she was nervous about skipping out on her Sunday obligations with her family, as well. We would all pretty much be in the doghouse when we got home, with the exception of Doug. He definitely had the most liberal and understanding parents in town.
“Yeah, he is. And at Coastal Carolina University, too.”
“He seems to have his fingers in lots of pockets, doesn’t he?” Doug commented.
“He sure does,” Brianna replied.
“Whatever happened between you and Mason?” he asked.
Marley elbowed him. “Douglas! It’s rude to ask a lady about her ex-boyfriend when she’s in the presence of the new man in her life.”
“It’s okay,” Brianna interrupted. “I’m sure I’ll be getting that a lot once school begins. We dated for nearly two years so it’s definitely been the break-up of the year.”
“When did y’all end it?” I asked, trying to hide my unease.
“After Fourth of July. You guys weren’t around much because of your grams so you were out of the loop. Long story short, he’s not the same Mason I knew from first grade. It was more of a relationship out of obligation anyway, considering his mom’s best friends with my mom so she kind of forced me to date him. Every time I mentioned breaking it off, she would get all short with me and blame me for trying to sabotage her friendship. Sometimes I wonder who the adult is in our house.”
I grabbed her hand and her solemn expression was replaced with one of joy and hope.
“Well,” Marley’s boisterous voice broke through the tense atmosphere. “Look at us! Does this count as a double date?” She turned to Doug, his eyes wide at her mention of the word “date”. “I mean, it would have to count as a date first, I guess. I mean, if you’d want to date. I mean…” She took a deep breath. “Are we dating, Doug? I don’t want you to think that we have to date just because we finally kissed.”
He smiled at Marley and I could see the overwhelming affection he had for her. Given her past, I grew nervous at the prospect of her dating anyone, but I knew Doug better than any other guy with whom I went to school. He was the only one I knew who would treat Marley the way she deserved to be treated.
“I’d like to think so,” he said. “I mean, that is if you want to date me. I don’t want to say we’re dating if you’re not dating me, but I’d like to think that I’m dating you.”
“Okay.” Marley nodded. “You can date me. I approve. Because I am so dating your ass.” She giggled.
“Please don’t seal the deal in front of me,” I interrupted, not wanting to watch my best
friend and my sister kiss right before our lunch arrived. There were some things I’d rather not see.
He winked at Marley. “I’ll get you later, Marley Jane.” Leaning over, he whispered something in her ear and a grin crawled across her face, making her entire being glow.
I raised my eyebrows at her and she blushed. This was the Marley I knew from all those years ago. Whenever she shut down or had an “episode”, as my aunt referred to them, I would take her far away from everything. I’d help her forget about the expectations placed on her shoulders and the old Marley would come out of the shell she had been forced to live in for the past six years. Barely anyone knew the real Marley. Doug saw her on occasion, and so did a few of her close friends from school. I should have counted myself as lucky for being able to spend time with the real Marley because she began to slip farther and farther away over the months to come.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“YOU REALLY LOVE YOUR sister, don’t you?” Brianna asked, clutching on to my hand as we maneuvered our way through the crowds of people in the central market that spanned several city blocks, stopping at nearly every table for Marley to ooh and ah over different pieces of jewelry and homemade trinkets.