Heart Of Marley

by Leigh, T. K.

  I gripped her shoulders tightly, my face flaming with anger. “Goddammit, Bri! Just fucking tell me!” I shook her, my passion overtaking my rationale.

  She fought against me and freed herself. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again, Cam!” she screamed, bolting from my room. As she was about to run down the stairs, she turned around. “I thought you were one of the good ones.” She rubbed her arms and I could see a red imprint from where my hands were. I scrunched my eyebrows, noticing a faint bruise with a pattern similar to the ones on Marley’s body. “You’re just like everyone else.” She spun around and flew down the stairs.

  Slamming the door to my room, I collapsed onto my bed, my emotions overtaking me once more. I didn’t know how many tears a person could possibly cry until they would no longer fall.

  Hours later, I heard a gentle knock on my door. Opening my eyes, I noticed the sky was turning pink, the sun setting in the west.

  “Come in,” I croaked out, keeping my vision trained on the horizon, wondering how the world could keep turning even though Marley was gone.

  “Cameron, baby.”

  I turned my head at the sound of that unexpected voice.

  “Mama? What are you doing here?” I tried to hide my surprise at seeing her standing there. She looked so calm and level-headed. I expected her to be drowning her sorrows in a bottle somewhere like she did after Dad died. Hell, I wanted to drink to try to dull the heartache.

  “I came to check on you, sweetheart.” She made her way over to the bed.

  I sat up, allowing her to wrap her small arms around me. It didn’t matter that I was taller than her by over a foot. At that moment, I felt like the little eight-year-old boy that cried in his mother’s arms after losing his father. But this time, I was an eighteen-year-old young man that had just lost his sister.

  “How are you doing, baby?”

  I shook my head. “Not good, Mama. Not good at all. When will it stop hurting? How come I don’t remember feeling like this when Dad died?”

  She rubbed my back and attempted to assuage me. “You were too young to really feel that loss, Cameron. You cried a lot. We all did. But you had Marley to help you get through it.” Her chin began to quiver as the words left her mouth.

  “You loved Marley with everything you had. Just like I loved your father with everything I had. And that makes the pain even worse because you don’t think you can possibly move on from the suffering you’re feeling right now. But you will. You’re a survivor, Cameron. No matter what obstacles life has placed in front of you in the past, you made it through. And you’ll make it through this, too. It won’t be easy. It’ll hurt. Some days will be easier than others, but you’ll find a way to keep Marley with you. She’ll always be a part of you. Just because she’s not here physically doesn’t mean that she’s gone forever. Remember those moments you had with her. Remember that connection, and I guarantee you’ll feel her spirit.”

  I nodded slightly.

  “Come on, baby. Come downstairs. You can’t go through this alone. I made that mistake after your dad died. I pushed everyone away instead of allowing anyone to help me. It was the worst decision of my life because I lost you and Marley. Be with your family. They need you just as much as you need them. Meg and Julianne need their big brother.”

  “I’m not their brother.”

  Mama shrugged. “Maybe not by blood, but being a brother is so much more than having the same parents. You have a connection to those little girls, and they’re going through something that no six- and five-year-old should be going through right now. They keep asking when Marley will be home. Please. I think if they could just see you and hug you, it will make it easier on them when they finally realize that Marley won’t be coming home.”

  I let out a loud sob at my mother’s words, still unable to come to terms with the fact that I’d never hear the front door open, followed by Marley’s heavy footsteps running up the stairs again. At that moment, I knew the world was a cruel place.

  My mama grabbed my hand and led me from my darkened bedroom and down the stairs. The house was full of activity, light, and grief at the same time. My aunt sat at the table in the dining room on the phone, apparently keeping herself busy by planning Marley’s memorial service. My uncle sat in the living room with several people I recognized from church, but couldn’t remember their names.

  “Cam!” Meg squealed when she saw me emerge. “Auntie Grace said she’d get you to come out and play with us! Do you want to play Chutes and Ladders?”

  Remembering Mama’s words, I plastered a weak smile on my face, trying to be strong for the girls. I needed my family now more than I ever had before. But the person I really needed was Marley. She was the only one who truly understood me. She was the only one to tell me that I was being an ass. She was the only one to assure me that everything would work out. I no longer had that voice in my head.

  “Go grab your game and we’ll play in the den to stay out of your parents’ way.”

  She smiled, showing me where she had lost another tooth since I saw her on Friday, and ran up to her room in search of her board game.

  Mama squeezed my arm in a comforting manner. “You’re a good kid, Cameron. After your dad died, I often wondered if my life would have been better if I had never met him because my heart physically ached. Then I looked at you kids and I knew it was worth it. You’ll eventually find something or someone that makes the pain you feel right now worth it. I promise you. It may not be today or tomorrow or even this year. But eventually, you’ll realize this happened for a reason.”

  ~~~~~~~~~~~

  TIME PASSED MERCILESSLY SLOW as we all sat in the living room, not saying anything, well-wishers stopping by with a fruit basket or a casserole. Occasionally, I would see tears falling down Mama’s face as she looked at me. I couldn’t imagine what she was going through at that moment. I lost my sister, but she lost her daughter. She had tried to keep a strong front as we went through the motions of planning Marley’s memorial, when I’m sure that all she wanted to do was cry. There were no expectations on my shoulders. I was able to let out my emotions, and I did. But my poor mother continued to smile and say she was fine, when it was clear that she was anything but fine.

  What do you even say at this point? That you’re sorry? That you should have known? “Sorry” just seems like such an inadequate word. Over the next few weeks, I knew I would be hearing that word a lot. I’m so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do? Yes. There’s something you could do. You could bring my sister back. Empty compassion. Empty assurances. Empty feelings. That’s what I had to prepare myself for.

  Now that Marley was dead, mourning her became the “in” thing to do. People came to our house in droves to tell us how sorry they were, although they didn’t seem to be upset or saddened by her passing. To them, this was probably another way to maintain their status in the church or in the community.

  All I could think as I listened to their fake condolences was how come they didn’t find the compassion for her while she was going through whatever she was over these past several years? Everyone neglected the cry for help that Marley’s actions were screaming at all of us. Her silence was deafening and we ignored it. Each and every person in this town dug her grave, myself included.

  After the third day of having our house inundated with well-wishers, I couldn’t take it anymore. “I’ll be upstairs,” I said curtly to my uncle as he grieved with a few parishioners of the church.

  He grabbed my arm. “Cameron, you should stay down here.”

  “Why?” I seethed. “None of these people gave a shit about Marley when she was still alive. Now that she’s dead, you know why they do? Because a dead teenager is newsworthy. They can all reminisce years down the road about the poor girl who put a fucking bullet in her head because no one thought it was important to put her in therapy. All these people care about is their perfect little world where little eight-year-old girls aren’t raped and molested on a daily basis. Peopl
e don’t speak of such things. So Marley didn’t speak of such things and it killed her. Now all these people, you and Aunt Terryn included, are trying to wipe clean their guilty conscience by coming here and saying how sorry they are for my loss. My loss. Not theirs. They don’t feel the loss. Not like me, or Mama, or Meg or Julianne. Because they didn’t lose anyone. So if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to mourn my sister the way that I should be… Away from all these fake people who didn’t care about Marley when she was alive.” I pushed past him, ignoring the loud silence in our living room.

  Dashing up to my room, I opened the window, climbing through the narrow opening to our spot. A chill set over my body as I lay down against the hard surface. The wind picked up and I could almost hear Marley’s laugh. I could almost feel her hair blowing on my face. I could almost feel her tears fall down my cheeks. Until I realized that they were my own tears.

  “Why did you do it?!” I shouted, staring at the darkening sky above me. “Why couldn’t you talk to me? Or Mama? Did you not think that this would affect me? Did you not think about any of us? Why did you have to be so damn selfish, Mar?!”

  I took a deep breath, trying to control my emotions to get through what I wanted to say to her. “How am I supposed to go on without you? Do you expect me to just keep going on as if nothing has changed? Everything has changed. I don’t know who I am without you. I don’t know how to even be me now. Such a huge part of me is missing.”

  Tears continued to fall as I listened to the calming sound of the waves just a few blocks away. “I still feel you out here, ya know? I always loved sitting on this roof with you, Marley Jane. Out here was where we could just be us. The us that we were before Dad died. You and your shooting stars.” I shook my head, laughing through my tears at all of my sister’s crazy ideas. The realization of it all overwhelmed me. “I guess you’re the shooting star I have to look for now.”

  Wiping my cheeks, I settled my cries. “I should have said something and made you get the help you needed, regardless of what Uncle Graham and Aunt Terryn thought. I should have gone behind their backs and put you in therapy. I have so much money saved up for college. I should have taken that money and put it to better use. I didn’t mean to let you down, Marley.

  “What made you snap this weekend? What happened to you? How come you didn’t come talk to me before thinking it was a good idea to go kill Buck? I thought things were looking up, Mar. I really did. We just turned eighteen. We were about to go move in with Mama. Could you not wait two more weeks? You broke my fucking heart, Marley. Half of my heart is dark. Your light is gone.”

  I closed my eyes and pretended that Marley was next to me, staying silent as she contemplated the meaning of life. That was the only thing that mended the hole in my soul.

  That night, I remained on the roof, clutching a pillow off Marley’s bed to my chest, but sleep never came. Every time I closed my eyes, Marley’s slumped over body flashed in front of me. Remorse overwhelmed me for rushing to Buck and not disarming her first. I was so worried she had killed him that I failed to protect her. I prayed with everything I had in me that it was all a horrible dream. That I would open my eyes and see Marley’s smiling face lying next to me, her hair blowing in the wind, her face bright with laughter. Instead, in the morning, I opened my eyes to the cruel reality that was now my life. I never imagined what life without Marley would be like. Besides my mama, she was the only person I knew since the day I was born. Now that she was gone, I felt like I didn’t know how to breathe. That I didn’t know how to exist.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  SCAR

  FRIDAY MORNING CAME AND I went through the normal motions. Eat breakfast. Brush my teeth. Shower. Get dressed. Instead of going to school, I was heading to the church with my family, all of us dressed in our best clothes. When saying good-bye to your world, you should look your best, right?

  I sat there, in a complete daze, during the service. I heard my uncle’s voice reverberate through the tall walls of the sanctuary, but I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying. The one thing I kept hearing over and over was that this was God’s plan. I couldn’t understand that. How could a teenage girl killing herself possibly fit into anyone’s plan? All I could think was that God must be a cruel bastard if he took my sister from me for some bigger purpose. I didn’t give a fuck about what the purpose was. Maybe it was selfish, but I had a purpose for Marley’s life, too. And that was having her by my side through all of our ups and downs, not having to say good-bye to her before she even got to graduate high school.

  I contemplated all the life experiences I would now miss out on because Marley was gone. I’d never be able to see her at U.S.C. or have her come visit me at Georgetown. I’d never be able to go out to a bar with her to celebrate our twenty-first birthdays. And I’d never be able to dance with her on her wedding day.

  Unable to take it anymore, I abruptly stood up and bolted down the aisle. Throwing the large wooden doors of the church open, I inhaled deeply, trying to subdue the lump that had taken up permanent residence in my throat over the past week.

  Collapsing on the stairs, I didn’t care if anyone saw me sobbing uncontrollably. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing could heal the scar on my heart.

  I stared at the cars driving by, hating the people in them for no other reason than it felt good to hate. It felt good to judge them from afar. A loud creaking brought me back from my rage-filled thoughts and I glanced over my shoulder to see my aunt walking down the steps toward me. She sat next to me and I could see that her eyes were red from crying.

  “How are you?” she asked, wiping her cheeks.

  “Confused. Bitter. Angry. But mostly…heartbroken.”

  She nodded and another tear fell down her face. “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to look at you and not see Marley by your side. You have the same eyes. And smile.” Her lower lip trembled and I could tell that she finally had a moment where she could let her emotions take over, instead of having to keep it all inside as she had that week. We had barely spoken two words to each other as I brooded in my room and she entertained half of the town that stopped by our house.

  “I am so sorry, Cam. I always had a bad feeling that something like this would happen one day.”

  I scrunched my eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

  She stilled for a moment and I could tell she was torn. “This town, Cam,” she admitted finally. “I’ve gone along with everything for years, keeping my mouth shut and doing what was expected of me, just like Marley did. And it killed her.”

  Her eyes turned warm and contemplative. “I love your uncle very, very much. He has an enormous heart, but he’s been stuck between a rock and a hard place since you and Marley came to live with us. There’s not one thing that I can pinpoint it all to, but a mix of everything.”

  “Why couldn’t you just make sure she got the help she needed? That we both did?” I asked, my voice shaking.

  “I wish I had. Marley is the unfortunate victim of age-old prejudices and stigmas that have plagued this town for decades now. I once hinted at looking for a therapist for both of you just after you came to live with us. This was during our weekly Wednesday afternoon tea at Mrs. Monroe’s house…well, Mrs. Grayson now. You should have seen the disdain-filled eyes looking at me at the mention of it. Her mother, that wretched woman, pulled me aside and spoke to me in such a way as I had never been spoken to in my life. She warned me about what kind of stink she would make if I followed through, threatening to have her friends on the church board remove your uncle as pastor. I’ll never forget her words… ‘The people of the church need a leader, not someone who has a niece with emotional problems. God is the only one from whom you and your family should be seeking counsel’.”

  Her eyes met mine and I saw the regret in them. “Your uncle has always been so devoted to his religion and the church that I shuddered at the thought of him losing this. Back then, I had no idea how grave the consequences of this decision would be. If I did, I nev
er would have talked Graham out of putting Marley in therapy. I was the one that stopped it and convinced him that all the help and guidance Marley needed she could find in God. That was me, not your uncle. Even back in September, after Marley said that there was no God, he was willing to throw caution to the wind and get her the help she needed.”

  “So why didn’t you?”

  “Because of the pageant. It was purely selfish of me. I just… The pageants were so different twenty years ago. It was fun. All the girls were supportive and our mothers didn’t even want us to participate. It’s not like it is today. I see it all so clearly now. All these girls are entered into the pageants left and right just so that us moms can have something to talk about at our weekly tea or church potlucks. I was so jealous when all my high school friends were having children and were able to enter their daughters in dance class and all the ‘Little Miss’ pageants here in town. Graham and I had tried to conceive for years. We about gave up hope and were surprised to find out I was pregnant just a month after you and Marley came to live with us. So I was on the sidelines for years as I watched all my friends play dress-up with their daughters. They looked like they were having so much fun. I wanted that, too.

  “Then you and Marley came into our lives and I saw my chance to be close to everyone again. I was so selfish that I didn’t think about the possible repercussions of how Marley would feel when she was paraded in front of strange eyes and made to perform. I didn’t care, but I wish I did. I feel that all of this could have been prevented and I swear to you, we’re going to make it up to you, to your mama, and to Marley.”

  Staring ahead, I processed what she had just told me. I wanted to blame them so that it was easier, but I just couldn’t do it.

  “It’s not your fault, Aunt Terryn,” I said, meeting her eyes.

  She let out a quiet sob. “I knew you would say that, but it is. If Marley had gotten the help she needed…”