by Ron Foster
“Oh, I know where we are at, the folks that rented me this place told me that the bait store sold fire wood also by the bundle or by the cord. I remember joking with them about them bundles of wood you see out in front of supermarkets at ridiculous prices but they got to be selling those few pieces of wood to somebody. I bought my fish bait at the country store back off to the right but that place supplies them with their bait worms. I didn’t have extra money to be buying such extravagances as $6 bundles of fire wood and me and Jeremy when we go camping or want a fire just search around for what the good Lord provides. Always been enough until here lately but there is still plenty, just requires a lot more work when you are depending on it for clean water and cooking.” Becky replied.
“I am going to find you all a regular real wood axe somewhere today, either one of you know how to swing one very well? There aren’t any hospitals out here to patch you up so if you never played with one before, tell me now so I can teach you how to use one properly and safely. There is an art to swinging one, too, or they will work the shit out of you with little wood to show and a lot of blisters for your efforts. You got to know how to make the tool work for you.” Farley declared.
“I have used one in the Boy Scouts before but not very much, I didn’t stay in the troop long.” Jeremy said.
“I don’t have any experience at all chopping or splitting wood.” Becky added.
“Well that’s one skill I need to teach you then. How to sharpen an axe and how to use a bow saw also needs to be in your repertoire of skills. I am sorry to say folks but you are going to be burning a lot of wood and be burning it daily for a long time to come. Now them spiffy multi tool axes I got serve a hell of a lot of purposes, demolition being one, but they are not what you need for real wood chopping to heat a home or fell a tree. You need a real wedge shaped axe for that. Tools are important now, you can’t survive without them, we need to scrounge you up an axe if we can and maybe look for a mattock or a pick axe, too. Gardening is a big thing you’re going to have to do also if you can find any seeds. Do you garden Becky?” Farley asked.
“Just container gardening and some flowers. I always buy my transplants at Lowe’s in the spring, matter of fact I have 6 tomato plants on my back porch now that are either dead from lack of water or growing all over the place because it wasn’t time to stake them yet when I left. I told Millie, that’s my cousin, to go by and water them, though while I was gone. She lives on the other side of town from me and more than likely thought of them by now come to think about it and moved them on over to her house. I hope she has some sense and saves some seeds from those tomatoes. I doubt she dug up my garlic bed though, the tops had died down and it doesn’t look like anything is growing there but weeds this time of year.” Becky said speculating.
“We can get some seeds from my buddy Marvin I bet mom if we have enough gas to get over there to his Daddy’s place.” Jeremy said referring to one of his schoolmates whose family produced a big garden every year.
“I suspect one of your Uncles or somebody has access to some seeds but that is a good idea, Jeremy. Farley, you said you were some kind of a doomsday prepper, what is it you all plan to use for money now that the banks are all closed?” Becky asked.
“I didn’t say I was no kind of a danged Doomsday Prepper, I just said that I was a prepper, you know somebody that prepares… I guess you are going to find out now because that place looks open!” Farley said slowing his van down and pulling in the parking lot of an old white wooden building. There was a pickup truck and a car in the lot and a couple of old dogs hanging out by the screen door entrance. Farley studied the place for a moment or two before saying “Let’s go inside and see what they are selling.” and with a wink he got out of his vehicle and they went on in.
The dim interior of the place took a second or two for his eyes to adjust to but the sound of crickets and the smell of the place brought back a lot of memories to Farley. Racks of fishing poles and lures, an empty food case and a half full beer case greeted him as well as a heavy set old red faced man with white hair and a stout bearded fellow casually cradling a 30-30 lever action deer rifle across his lap.
“Good morning, what can I do for you today?” The snow white haired gentleman asked him.
“I don’t know yet, I am still pretty surprised about you being open.” Farley said with a smile approaching the counter.
“Well, it’s sit here all day in peace or get messed with by the old woman at home so you see where I am at.” The man said grinning back.
“We still got a few things to sell, folks still need worms and wood but we don’t have any food to offer you for sale.” The bearded fellow said rising while still hanging onto his rifle like it was an extension of his hand.
“I see you still got some beer, how proud are you of that?” Farley asked getting ready to hear an exorbitant price.
“Its $10.00 a six pack, forty dollars a case and no discount.” White hair said.
“That’s not bad seeing that you are the only one that’s got beer for sale around here. You got any gas to offer?” Farley asked.
“No, sorry can’t say that I do. I got some Kerosene in the tank out back and some LP gas cans to sell but I don’t have any motor fuel I am sorry to say. You all got very far to go?” White hair said.
“Not a huge distance but I am awful light on fuel. Would $20 buy a gallon of gas?” Farley offered.
“Mister, I wouldn’t take $40 for one now, folks come by and ask that question all the time, not so many now but a few still come by. That’s why I got Frasier over here, some folks won’t take no for an answer or object too much about my prices.” White hair said, nodding in the bearded mans direction.
“Nice to meet you, Frasier, my names Farley. This is Becky and Jeremy.” Farley said nonchalantly and reached to shake the man’s hand.
“Barnett’s my name.” White hair said and participated in the hand shaking ceremony all good country folk do when confronted with each other. Farley had this kind of banter down pat and you would think he was commuting to a family reunion or something as he talked about the weather and life in general before he got down to brass tacks and decided that he would buy some beer.
“I am going to get me two six packs, Becky, warm beer beats no beer I guess, but if we soak it in the lake awhile it should be passable cold to drink by this evening.” Farley said while pointing in back of Barnett at what appeared to be a sandbox.
“What is in that?” Farley asked.
“That’s a salt fish experiment we are working on. I have cured hams before but never tried fish. I say it’s not ready yet for sale.” Barnett said before Frasier voiced his opinion it would never be ready with a look like he didn’t appreciate having the overtly fragrant stuff around.
“I might try that sometime if you get your technique down right, how much are worms?” Farley asked.
“The same as usual, $2.99 a tub.” Frasier said.
“Seems like if beer went up worms would go down but that’s ok. I tell you what, I don’t need worms for fishing, that is, I need me some worms for my garden. How much would you sell me a pound sack for?” Farley asked trying to get into the wholesale or agriculture end of the business.
“Well we don’t usually sell them that way.” Barnett said eying him curiously.
“I used to buy red wigglers off EBay for about $16.00 a pound. Could you see your way to doing that pricing maybe? It’s not like a lot of people will have the gas anymore to drive over here and buy fishing worms.” Farley added.
“You got a point there, I tell you what, if you will take bed run I will do it and I will throw in some bedding and worm eggs to boot, o.k.?” Barnet said before telling Frasier to fill the order.
“That will be fine, hey you like old coins? I have some silver Mercury dimes I might be willing to trade.” Farley said.
“I don’t care anything about them except for the silver value in them. I will give you 20 times face which is an excellent price
, if you will take it.” Barnett said happy he was getting silver for worms.
“That’s a pretty fair price you are offering but it doesn’t take into account the inflation we are experiencing as in what a can of beer costs these days.” Farley said starting to dicker.
“Well son, I might be able to give you a bit more if you are talking about buying a lot of beer. How many dimes are we talking about?” Barnett said looking at him shrewdly.
“Well you are offering two bucks a dime and you doubled your beer prices, four bucks a dime would be more in keeping with that kind of math would it not?” Farley countered.
“That would be, let’s see.” Barnett said getting out a pen and doing some calculations on the back of a brown paper sack to arrive at a per six pack price.
“Two and a half dimes a six pack or 10 dimes per case. I got a five dollar roll of them so that would be 5 cases of beer you would owe me.” Farley said giving the man a blank stare.
“Damn boy, you a mathematician or something? Hang on.” Barnett said and continued to do his figuring.
“What kind of beer you want?” Barnett said raising an eyebrow over his reading glasses.
“I don’t know, Budweiser, Coors Light, You got a particular brand of beer you want, Becky?” Farley said looking over his shoulder and trying to get her agreement on his choices with a wink.
“Sounds good to me Farley, you will be drinking most of it anyway.” Becky said acting catty.
“Damn, wasn’t expecting that.” Farley dead panned and grinned at Barnett who thought it was funnier than hell the woman had taken him to task.
“O.k., 5 cases of beer and a roll of dimes leave you owing me a total of 16 bucks for the worms, how do you want to take care of that Farley?” Barnett said with his hand out to receive the roll of dimes.
“Pay the man, Becky!” Farley said shocking her into fumbling in her purse and motioned for Jeremy to help him load the beer.
“Farley, that’s coming out of your allowance!” Becky said stopping his smirking and playing heading out the door with three cases but he took it in stride and gave her a comical quizzical look.
“Don’t you owe me for an advance on your allowance, Jeremy?” Farley said including the boy in the game to his great embarrassment and Becky’s surprise at the not so subtle allusion that they were a team.
“Uh yea, guess so, Farley.” The boy stammered as Farley went back to wearing a bedeviling smirk.
“You’re an asshole Farley.” Jeremy muttered while they were trying to find a place to put all that beer in the van.
“Hey, you owe me 20 bucks you told your momma you gave me!” Farley fired back.
“Well I, uh , damn it Farley you shouldn’t have put her on the spot like that.” Jeremy complained.
“Look who is telling who not to put somebody on the spot. I will give her back her money if she fusses. I had a hundred dollars invested in those dimes pre grid down and you know she is going to be drinking some of it with me anyway. She can handle her booze son, I don’t know what happened last night but I thought I was the one getting drunk under the table last night but we won’t be tying one on like that again anytime soon. I don’t have much cash and if I did where would I spend it? That was a fluke that place was open. Now go back in there and carry them worms for her before we get in trouble for that and I am going to do a little more instigating.” Farley said nodding his head in the direction of Frasier who was doing something in a shed in back of the building.
Farley walked around the back of the store and started shooting the breeze with Frasier who had not accepted him as a kindred soul and wasn’t worried about where his gun was laying.
“Hey, you reckon we can talk Barnett out of a couple beers to drink inside or outside and socialize a bit? I know I just bought a shitload of beer but I figured if I started playing with him about that beer being “skunked” because it was once cold and now heated up he would offer us a free one unless it was true.” Farley said.
“Damn, you kind of slippery, ain’t you? But that sounds like fun and might work. That guy is a skin flint though and pretty prideful so you need to finesse him a bit. Make him think it’s your idea and get that pretty wife of yours to bat an eye or something at him if it doesn’t offend you. You all live on the lake full time or are you just moving back here for this disaster?” Frazier said finishing his count and shoving an over full bag of worms in Farley’s direction.
“Hum, how to handle that little delicate question. Farley thought. Well they had been playfully fussing at each other like they were man and wife or at least close boyfriend and girlfriend and Jeremy had been playing his part regardless if he knew what was going on or not, so Farley figured it was best to let this farce go as long as it lasted. Lake folk and country folk could be kind of weird if they all the sudden figured they had been had or you weren’t really part of their community.
“That’s not my church married lady if you know what I mean. Don’t bring up any Kryptonite so she can get a hold of it because she can get kind of persnickety about our relationship, but that’s a good boy and she is a good woman if you catch my drift.” Farley said trying to look like the doting boyfriend he wasn’t. The less folks know or could guess at the better off they were at the moment he guessed.
“Let me ask you a personal question if you don’t mind.” Farley said cautiously.
“What’s that, buddy?” The big man said sliding the protective screening back on the worm bed and looking calmly at Farley.
“Now this is in confidence and I don’t mean to be prying or nothing but what are you all eating? I ain`t had anything decent since I cut the backstrap off a deer last week and that boy eats like most teenagers do and don’t understand he can’t consume mass quantities no more if you know what I mean.” Farley said looking for some insight.
“We get by; I already told you we don’t have any food for sale. You need to go take your worms up front to Barnett so he can tell me you cashed out.” Frazier said clamming up and losing his air of friendliness.
Farley regarded him for a moment before venturing did they still want to do the skunked beer routine before the man’s demeanor gave him more hesitation.
“You can try the beer thingy you want, like I said he is kind of tight but I wouldn’t push it.” Frazier said regarding him.
“Damn, that boy looks like he is missing his meds or something too. I best leave this alligator alone and fish in a different pond.” Farley decided.
“I appreciate the chat brother, let me go round up the family and we will be moving on. Hey, wait a minute, I forgot the basic reason I come back here to talk to you for a minute, how much you reckon Mr. Barnett would take for a croaker sack full of worm castings?” Farley tried.
“I don’t know, you will have to ask him.” Frazier said using his bulk to try to intimidate Farley to get out the door and quit looking around like he was spying or something.
“Well hang here or come on and go with me and let me see if I can make a better deal. Nothing beats worm manure to grow tomatoes or roses I always say.” and Farley set off towards the backdoor of the place and thought better of it when Frazier didn’t follow and headed for the front.
“Something wasn’t right about how the man had lost patience with him but this wasn’t Farley’s first rodeo with weird country types and he blew off the inquisitive questions of what he had in mind by entering the front door instead of just leaving when he passed the van with Becky and Jeremy waiting on him.
“What you else do you need, son?” the old grump in back of the antique cash register asked as he reentered the building.
“Damn he was only gone a second what did Becky do to piss off the old bastard? Everyone was getting along fine a minute ago.” Farley wondered.
“I need some bank line, you got any?” Farley asked as Frazier reentered through the backdoor.
“Yea, it’s over there in the back corner, you need tarred or nylon?” Barnett said eying him with apparent disd
ain.
“What the hell did Becky do? I had that son of a bitch eating out of my hand a minute ago.” Farley thought returning the man’s cold stare.
“I need about 350 lb. test, I am thinking I want to run some lines on the Coosa River and if one of them big channel catfish grabs my sets I don’t want to lose everything because I wasn’t ready.” Farley said evenly watching the pair in back of the counter.
“I don’t have anything that heavy, we don’t sell gator rope. You might find you some 180 or 125 back there, if you think you can use it.” Barnett said as Farley headed that way.
“Your woman isn’t very respectful by the way; she called me a fat bastard for catching your son thinking about stealing.”
“Thinking about stealing what?” Farley asked dumbfounded and immediately mad at Jeremy.
“He was poking around in the condom section and I told him those weren’t for him and come back out here where I can see him. You got to watch them young boys, you know.” Barnett said.