by Ron Foster
“They must keep them inside the office or back in that garage, Farley figured but he didn’t see any signs of them after investigating further. There was a gas pump on the side of the building but without power it wouldn’t do him any good unless there was gas in the locked tanks below ground that he decided he would figure out how to check on them and get any gas out of them later. Evidently who ever stole the gas for the boats had taken the cans also but for the life of him he couldn’t envision somebody needing 7 boat gas cans. Seems like they would have poured some of it in their own vehicles gas tanks rather having to transport that many cans but who knows.” Farley thought still very curious about that fact.
“Well, there is just the inner lake and searching around for any other buildings not on the map, I guess.” Farley said still puzzled about the gas can situation.
As they traversed their way to the inner lake, Farley noted a gravel road leading off the main one and caught a glimpse of a white building.
“I want to go check that place out, you all hang tight here a few minutes and I will be back shortly.” Farley said and went to walk up the driveway.
“Wood smoke! I smell wood smoke!” Farley thought.
“Shit, I hope they don’t have dogs!” he considered wishing he had his axe with him but comfortable he had his .22 rifle and .380 pistol in his waist band.
“Now what? Do I stay, go or sneak up quietly for a better look.” Farley thought getting off the road and into the concealment of the woods a little.
“Might as well have a look.” Farley decided wondering if he should have left his keys in the van, but dismissing that thought again for the second time today. Leaving his car keys with someone that wasn’t a hundred percent mentally stable was a risk he was unwilling to take these days.
Farley stayed low and moved a little and watched and then paused and listened a lot as he approached what appeared to be an older wood frame house that belonged to the caretaker, he guessed. There was an official camp pickup truck in the driveway and small regular car in the driveway. Off to the left was a fire pit with a small grayish haired woman tending it.
Farley watched her for a few moments and it appeared she was cooking something but he couldn’t tell what. Throwing caution to the wind he decided to get back out on the road, lower his rifle and approach openly announcing his presence.
“Hello the house! Hey there! Farley coming up!” He yelled out startling the women, who grabbed her spatula and held it protectively in front of her before she started hollering at him in a decidedly Asian voice.
“What you want here?! This park closed! You go away. ” The woman shouted taking a step forward.
“I am a friend, let's talk.” Farley called back continuing in her direction before the woman quickly stepped back a couple paces and started hollering to what sounded like to Farley’s ears “WHOO! Whoo! Whoo!
Farley looked around to see what kind of a critter a Whoo! Whoo! was while watching her cautiously before a man in a black shirt and khaki pants stepped out of the woods to his left with a bow and notched arrow that got his attention quickly.
“You drop that rifle or I skewer you! I am expert in ancient martial art of archery!” An older Asian man said looking fiercely in Farley’s direction.
Farley studied him but a second before voicing his own warning. “I ain`t nothing but a half ass shot but I can put six rounds in you at this distance before you can hit me with that kid’s toy!” Farley said raising his rifle and giving the man what he called his thousand yard stare.
The man reluctantly lowered his bow and asked Farley what he wanted while Farley scanned around for anymore “wild Indians” coming out of the woods threatening him with mischief before he lowered his own rifle in a less aggressive manner.
“I don’t want anything but to maybe talk to you for a moment and then I will be on my way.” Farley called back keeping a close eye on the man in case he could actually get a quick accurate shot off at him with what appeared to be a single limbed long bow versus a compound bow that you would find at Boy Scout Jamborees and campgrounds like this.
“Nothing to talk about, you are trespassing on Government property. These campgrounds are closed. How did you get on this place anyway?” the man said back in perfect English spoiling his old martial arts master impression with whatever accent he was using earlier.
“I told you that Kung Fu crap of yours no work, Charlie! You a stupid head old man!” The woman said now threatening him with her spatula instead of Farley.
“O.k., so I am not a Chinese archery master, you just leave mister and I won’t report you to the authorities, ok?” A totally different man said meekly.
“Report me to who? There isn’t anybody around here for miles. I am a friend I told you, Let me approach your campfire and we will talk a bit and I will be on my way, ok?” Farley said as nicely as he could with a smile.
“You can come by fire and talk but we got no extra food for you!” The old woman said in her sing song voice.
Farley walked to the fire pit with his rifle pointing towards the ground eying the pair suspiciously but openly friendly and when the man reached out to shake Farley’s hand Farley hesitated before doing so. The old man’s remarks about knowing a martial art and Farley’s stereotypical mind said maybe he ought to be cautious about grabbing the man’s hand before he found himself flying through the air.
“Charlie Wu.” the old man said still extending his hand.
“Farley Wilkes.” He said taking his hand but squinting at the man warning him he better not try anything.
“This is my wife, Feng, not Fang even though she acts like she has some.” Charlie said in what must have been a time worn joke he had used on her before.
“You big Karate man, Ha! You lucky he no shoots you!” Feng said before changing her demeanor to all sweetness and giving Farley the once over.
“You a tall man and a crazy head sneaky one! You like to scare poor old Miss Feng to death.” She said flashing a warm smile before giving him a very soft handshake.
“Your husband gave me quite a start also I must say...” Farley began before she interjected.
“He a lumbering ox, you must be going deaf, Mr. Farley, not to have heard him coming.” Feng said bedeviling her husband before hugging him around his waist.
“Did you drive in the front gate or walk in?” Charlie asked scrutinizing him.
“Well I uh, where the hell did you get a hamburger at?” Farley said looking incredulously at what Miss Feng was about to cook.
“I told you we have no extra food for you!” Feng said sharply and Charlie looked like a kid who had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“I don’t want any of your food, I just ain’t seen a hamburger in I don’t know when.” Farley said.
“And you won’t see another one! Now how did you get back in here?” Charlie said regaining some of his composure.
“That’s kind of hard to explain, sort of like those two hamburgers.” Farley countered trying to get the attention off his breaking and entering and the amazing fact someone actually had what looked like a pre-processed burger in this post apocalyptic world.
Everyone eyed each other suspiciously for a moment not wanting to show their hand before Feng started up on her diatribe about “No Hamburger for Farley” and he should leave soon etc. before Farley finally relented and told them he had thought the place was abandoned and had busted the lock on the front gate.
“That’s bad, very bad; I could put you in Leavenworth prison for that!” Charlie began before Farley leaned his rifle against a tree and mockingly put his hands and wrists out to accept some imaginary cuffs which made them all laugh.
“Did you close the gate back? There are bad men about.” Charlie said somberly catching Farley’s attention.
“I closed it and put the lock back on it so it looked like it was still secured. What bad men are you talking about?” Farley asked thinking he better tell them about Becky and Jeremy soon befo
re they did something foolish or got worried about him but not yet. There might be other people around this place that this inscrutable but as far as he was concerned genuinely friendly couple around. They seemed nice enough but that might be a ruse, that old China man sure did look fierce enough earlier.
“That’s the third lock I’ve put on that gate. Folks seem to be wanting to see what this place has around that maybe they could steal.” Charlie advised.
“Thieves! Everybody thief nowadays!” Feng said disgustedly.
“Yea, first time somebody breaks in here I caught some of them redneck boys from up in the backwoods at the camp store and scared them off with a couple of firecrackers and some hollering. We then decided if there’s anything in there that we wanted, we better get it out and make it look like somebody had already been there. So we dragged what little bit of canned goods that was in there and a few other supplies back home and kind of trashed up the place, you might say.” Charlie said like it was the smartest thing he ever did.
“You still stupid! Anything left in there that has value people might be back for!” Feng said pushing her husband away sharply.
The two began jabbering at each other in some foreign language Farley didn’t understand, evidently quite a bit of squabbling at each other, it sounded like to Farley’s ears.
“English! Speak English, please!” Farley said trying to calm the pair.
“Now you said that was the third lock you put on that gate. What happened the other time?” Farley asked.
“Well, we don’t really know, we were back here when somebody got in and found their way back to the rental boat property. Me and Charlie were off fishing then and just happened to see them driving down road and this big dummy here decided to shoot the truck with an arrow from the woods. Them boys had guns and commenced to shooting out both windows like a Dukes of Hazzard movie in every direction and left out. Stupid old man! You like to get us killed!” Feng said to an obviously embarrassed Charlie Wu.
“Well, I did stick an arrow in his door!” Charlie said protesting.
“Well, Whoo! Whoo! You actually hit something with that thing!” Feng said to an obviously embarrassed Charlie.
Farley sniggered at her use of the English Whoo Whoo and the man’s name but it was funny as hell. But he soon stopped his chuckling as Feng started berating him that she thought there was nothing funny about the encounter.
“Then you big man, Farley, come chop lock off again and scare Miss Feng!” Feng said before she disarmed Farley’s immediate apology with a smile also.
The three stood there starting to get acquainted and laughing at Miss Feng’s “ A Whoo Whoo joke before a car horn honking at the end of the driveway got their attention.
“Oh shit! I forgot to tell ya’ll I got two friends with me.” Farley began before he heard Becky hollering for him.
“Who’s that? You no tell us you got friends with you?” Feng said obviously alarmed and Charlie attempted to retrieve his bow.
“You better tell me if you got any other friends around here first.” Farley said leveling his rifle in that direction after warning Charlie away from his bow.
“Only little nephew, Charlie Fong. He came to visit this summer. He’s supposed to be fishing.” Feng said clutching her spatula like it was a battle axe.
“That’s just a woman and her boy down there. Nothing to worry about, they ain`t got no guns. That nephew of yours got a gun?” Farley asked, alarmed.
“No, he’s got no gun.” Charlie said wanting to get down there as soon as possible but still worried about this old man standing in front of him with his own gun.
“Let’s go see what the commotion’s about then.” Farley said hurrying back down the driveway with Charlie in tow and made it about half way down the driveway before Miss Feng came flying by driving a golf cart.
“What the hell? She could have stopped and picked us up!” Farley said looking over his shoulder at Charlie who was bringing up the rear about twenty feet behind him.
“You go see! I be there in a minute.” Charlie said huffing worse than Farley was.
When Farley finally got down to the bottom of the hill, he was presented with an amazing sight. Becky was sitting on a young boy about fourteen with his foot twisted back and Miss Feng was swatting at Jeremy with a spatula hollering Chinese or some other language at them while trying to rescue her nephew.
“Get off that boy, Becky! Miss Feng let up with that flyswatter of yours! Jeremy, leave that lady alone!” Farley said trying to catch up and bring some order as a huffing and puffing Charlie came up trying to get her off his nephew.
“Fong! You all right? You hurt boy?” Charlie said to a blue shorted Grateful dead t-shirt wearing fourteen year old Asian boy.
“He bit me! And she sat on me and twisted my foot!” Fong started jabbering.
“That son of a bitch hit me and flung me over his shoulder!” Jeremy shouted rubbing his eye where evidently a world class shiner was about to be.
“Whoa now! Everybody settle down for a minute. Charlie take that spatula away from your wife, she’s worrying the hell out of me with that thing. Becky, what are you doing whooping up on that young boy?” Farley asked.
“Whooping up on him? What are you talking about! That boy whomped me twice before I finally got a hold of him and sat on him! He jumped Jeremy somewhere up the road when he was trying to take a whiz and I walked up on the fight and tried to separate them!” Becky said rubbing her side.
“Yea that little slant eyed son of a bitch got the drop on me while I was whizzing on that oak tree over there and we commenced to tussle. Didn’t say a word except something like’ Hiya!’ and next thing I know it was Katie bar the door. He started using some kind of Kung Fu crap on me and threw me to the ground and commenced to punching on me.” Jeremy said pointing at the young man that Miss Feng was dusting off and mothering.
“You bad boy! Very bad boy!” Miss Feng said pointing back at him wagging her finger and looking towards Charlie for backup.
“That boy bit me!” Fong said rubbing some evident teeth marks on his leg.
“Well you hit me while I was pissing!” Jeremy countered.
“Peace! Watch your mouth boy; you racial slur somebody you don’t know again you got me to answer to. Ya’ll settle down. This isn’t any way to meet everybody here.” Farley said as the adults rounded up their perspective charges and tried to make sense of the mess they just walked in to.
“You beat that boy! He bit my nephew! You said you good man, Farley, you just like the rest!” Feng said before Charlie hollered at her in military voice and tried to restore order.
After standing around arguing a bit about who had the worse child and the craziest woman on the lake, it finally got sorted out that Jeremy had gotten out of the van and gone down to take a piss and look around while waiting on Farley and had been pissing against a tree when he spotted the fishing poles and tackle box that Fong had left in the woods when he hid when he spotted them pull up in the van.
When Jeremy started heading towards the fishing pole to investigate, Fong had jumped out from behind a bush and ambushed him. Then a conversation ensued where Miss Feng proudly said the boy had studied some Judo before then got a couple of digs in at her fake Kung Fu master husband.
Eventually after the smoke cleared and matters were settled in and an uneasy truce between Miss Feng and Becky ensued as the two boys growled at each other in the background wanting a rematch to which Farley and Charlie would occasionally threaten them with bodily harm if they started any shit again.
Miss Feng eventually offered everybody a ride in her golf cart back up to the house and the humor of her doing the charge of the light brigade towards the fracas amused everybody and smiles and easy conversation took over.
As they were heading back towards the caretakers cabin, Miss Feng reminded Farley “no food for you, no food for anybody!” to which Farley advised that they had their own food with them and no worries.
“Hey
, Becky, for some reason they got hamburgers.” Farley attempted to whisper under the sound of the whirring golf cart motor on the way back but Miss Feng with them radar ears of hers heard him and attempted to reinforce her “no food for you” mantra she’d been on.
“They can come for dinner.” Charlie said and then Charlie and his wife broke into a world war III conversation in Chinese that Fong could not even understand being a stateside raised boy, but it sounded something like dumping the silverware out the window to everyone else’s untrained ears.
Miss Feng finally agreed or was threatened enough by Charlie who by now had her spatula well out of her reach and clutched in his own right hand as she drove like Andy Granatelli racing in the Florida 500 back to the cabin and nearly gave everybody whiplash doing so as she stomped on the brakes in front of the fire pit.