Storytelling

by Keith Coleman

  15) Magnetic people are active. This shouldn’t be confused with talking nineteen to a dozen or unnecessary exuberance. However, magnetic people are generally physically more active than the average person. They will typically stand when others are seated or move around when others are standing still. There’s something about their movement and activity that is always holding people’s attention. This isn’t to say they were born with something that makes them even more active. The activity is, in fact, a conscious effort of going out there and making things happen.

  For example, Billy Sunday was, in general, a quiet and assuming fellow. With his family and friends around, he was more on the indolent side. However, once he took to the podium, he transformed into someone who desired to lead and inspire people. That is when he consciously acted being active. He would jump, gesture, scream, and deliberately create plenty of noise and activity to reveal a confidence. That was far from an inborn trait. He carefully assumed that stance to lead people.

  When alone, he was easygoing, casual, and relaxed. In front of other people, Sunday miraculously transformed from a nondescript person who was hard to notice to a charisma superstar around people. The trick is conserving energy between times when you aren’t interacting with people. If you are active every waking moment, you will wear yourself out soon. Practice being relaxed when alone and active when around other people.

  Magnetic people reveal their activeness in everything from their handshakes to their finger touches. There’s no dead handshake. Their gestures are animated. You’ll seldom find charismatic and magnetic people stuffing their hands in their pockets while talking to people or addressing the audience. Notice how former United States of America President Teddy Roosevelt employed his hands while carving charts, signs, and symbols in the air as he spoke. This gesture not just held his audience’s interest but also lent more clarity to his ideas.

  Magnetic people place extra emphasis on certain words over others, pausing a few seconds. Pausing helps them gain electrifying attention for a while. This is followed by emphasizing a word more than usual. This was one of the biggest secret charisma strategies of Winston Churchill. His talk wasn’t laden with monotones. He used emphasis brilliantly to his advantage to come across as a more charismatic leader and orator.

  Practice the difference between “I am happy to see you Mr. Jones” and “I am HAPPY to see you, Mr. JONES.” You are using the exact same words in both the sentences. However, by using emphasis, you are giving off the right effect. Also, note that one doesn’t have to be born with a sing-song voice to be a magnetic orator. If you’ve heard Teddy’s Roosevelt, you’ll realize he had a rather high-pitched or squeaky voice. So, don’t worry about your inborn voice. Magnetism and charisma are about using your voice effectively. Make it work to your advantage by molding it in the right fashion.

  16) Another trait of magnetic and charismatic people is that they are brisk. They will do just enough to intrigue the other person and then stop. This without being brusque! Coming back to master magnetic personality Teddy Roosevelt, he practiced the art of offering an active albeit brief handshake. Just when the other person anticipated another energetic pump of the hand, Teddy stopped and slowly pulled away. You leave the other person expectant! It leaves him/her wanting more. You are whetting their appetite and leaving them hungry for future interactions instead of revealing all your cards in a single interaction.

  If you notice, most charismatic and magnetic people are brisk in their walk too. They will speak actively for a while and then go back to let others go on. Their glance is also brisk. Teddy also revealed briskness when it came to excusing himself from groups. Again, they were left expectant. The crux of this briskness is to leave people just when they expect more from you. Instead of wearing out your sense of importance, quit when it’s going well. The idea is to use this briskness to create just enough anticipation without offending people. Even while terminating interviews, do it gracefully and fast.

  Keep your conversations (especially the official ones) as brief as possible. Charismatic speakers and communicators don’t run around in circles when it comes to expressing themselves. To practice advanced charisma building skills such as briskness, you must know how to stop in the middle of something in a tactful and unobtrusive manner. Stay brief and you’ll never be boring. Once Lord Duffering came late for a lunch, he was invited to and profusely apologized to the host. He attributed the reason for arriving late to the Earl of Kimberley. Duffering then went on to tell his host, “How the Earl of Kimberly was a wonderful man, who knew everything about all corners of the earth and all men who lived on the planet. Everything except when to stop.” Ouch, you don’t want people saying something similar about you.

  In his initial days as a toll collector, John Patterson recalls an incident that occurred when he had a small-sized coal enterprise. He was forever low on cash as people weren’t very prompt when it came to paying for the coal. The business was small and uncertain, which made receiving bank credit challenging. However, Patterson approached the banker to borrow against his credit. One morning, Patterson walked into the bank and stated, “Mr. Phillips, can the bank lend me $500 until Friday?”

  The banker quickly instructed his staff to “write a check for Mr. Patterson.” He then turned to the entrepreneur and gave him a piece of advice. “If you had not asked this the way you did, and instead inquired about how I was or how the business was, I wouldn’t have given you the money. Be brief always.” Busy professionals almost always appreciate brevity. Ensure that you reveal more briskness in your interactions, especially when people are short of time.

  17) How do you reveal that you are a leader of a group of people? Again, it’s not rocket science. All you need is some slick body language skills. Each time you want to demonstrate that you are the leader of a pack or the key influencer/decision-maker, follow these non-verbal communication tips.

  To begin with, maintain an erect posture. Pull back your shoulders and walk by taking heavy strides. Leaders almost always have an expansive and broader body language to communicate power at a subconscious level. You are occupying as much space as possible to reveal power, authority, and control. Standing straight and pulling back your shoulders automatically increases your frame to make you appear broader than you are. This makes other people attribute values of power and authority to your stance. You appear much bigger and broader than you are.

  18) People often ask me to give them a single tip about what can make them appear instantly likable and charismatic to others. Amusingly, my answer is – offer people a valuable takeaway. Yes, give them that one solid, practical, valuable, and actionable tip that can be used right away to make a difference in their lives. This is even more marked for people who are facing a challenging situation or need suggestions. Avoid talking to them in a sermonizing or patronizing tone. Instead, adopt a friendlier and more relatable approach by giving people a clear takeaway after the conversation. Talking down to people or calling out their stupidity doesn’t help. Most people already realize they’ve been foolish, which is why they are approaching you for help or suggestions. You’ll become instantly likable when you don’t blame them like everyone else, and instead, offer them a clear strategy out of the situation.

  Empathize with people and offer them practical solutions. Give them advice that is quick, doable, and valuable. Focus your conversation on offering solutions instead of making the other person feel miserable.

  For example, in the course of your conversation, a person admits to being addicted to junk food to the point of becoming sick and low on immunity. Now, instead of taking the high moral ground and mentioning how they should eat healthily and should’ve never got addicted to junk food in the first place, empathize with their issue. Next, offer them practical solutions such as stocking fruits instead of junk food in their house, taking a route that doesn’t feature too many junk food joints, eating fresh fruits and vegetables before heading to work for curbing the craving, and so on. Do you ge
t the drift? Offering solutions makes you appear less patronizing and more solution focused.

  19) Have a cause that you feel passionately and strongly about if you want to come across as more charismatic. Charismatic and magnetic people speak about bugger issues and ideas. Their focus goes beyond themselves. Noted sociologist Max Weber, who helmed a scholarly study about charisma or an unspoken spark (which made the topic popular in the 20th century) concluded that one of the most important components of charisma was having clarity of vision about the desired future, and making an effort towards fulfilling it. Charismatic people are strongly driven by their goals, visions, and dreams. They actively work towards fulfilling these dreams and desires. Take Steve Jobs, for instance. While recruiting Pepsi CEO John Scully, Jobs thoughtfully asked him, “Do you desire to sell sugared water for the rest of your life or do you want an opportunity to change the world?” Scully later mentioned how bringing about a positive change in the world was a prospect too enticing for him to turn down.

  When you strongly and passionately nurture a cause, you can be highly charismatic. The thing is, you may not even realize that you are being charismatic. You may be so driven and inspired by your passion that you invariably end up exuding the characteristics of a charismatic person.

  20) Another solid trait of charismatic people is encouraging self-disclosure. People feel comfortable revealing details about themselves to charismatic people because they are always asking insightful questions to lead people into self-disclosure. Harvard University Researchers studied how sharing information about ourselves increases the brain’s neural activity in regions connected with pleasure, happiness, and reward. This confirms that human brains are wired for information sharing and self-disclosure. When you get people to share things about themselves, it stimulates positive feelings in the brain, which eventually colors a person’s perception of you and the conversation. Remember, charisma is not as much about yourself as it is about how you make others feel!

  Chapter 4:

  How to Activate the Social Confidence Super Power

  If you are anything like I was, once upon a time, the good news is that confidence can be developed with time, effort, and practice. This is when you reveal a desperate need to validate, like, or pick you. Confidence is not an inborn trait. It is built and developed over a period of time, which becomes obvious in your conversations. Developing self-confidence and charisma doesn’t ask that you don’t be yourself. Each of us has a confident and self-assured rock star waiting to be unleashed. Using techniques for developing greater charisma is all about unlocking this inner rock star and unleashing its magic on everyone around us.

  Here are some strategies for developing greater self-confidence in social situations

  Start behaving like your favorite speaker. Adapt their speech, mannerisms, body language, and tone. Have a role model you want to base your own communication skills and interactions on. This gives you some guidance when it comes to picking up techniques for developing charisma and magnetism. The role model can be anyone from your well-spoken neighbor to your boss to a celebrity. It offers you a benchmark for the conversation and communications skills you desire to develop.

  Make a conscious effort to fake confidence and power by assuming power positions (mentioned in the earlier chapter). When you assume powerful and confident positions, you trick your subconscious mind into believing that you are a more confident and less anxious person. This eventually makes you a more confident and self-assured person. Take inspiration from your role model for developing the right body language, speech patterns, voice, and so on through observation and practice. I highly recommend practicing before the mirror so you know exactly how you sound and appear while talking. It also increases your confidence.

  Start making more eye contact with people while talking to them. This one tip can slowly help you eliminate your social inhibitions and develop a more confident and magnetic personality. Look people in the eye while talking to them. You will appear more charismatic and self-assured not just to yourself, but also the other person. This may take plenty of practice and effort. However, once you master it, you are on your way to being a charisma ninja. Charisma is a result of several factors, which appear hard to pin down. However, one of the most important factors is how confidently you approach people during your interactions. Maintaining eye contact is a huge part of approaching an interaction with confidence and conviction. You appear more self-assured and in control when you are able to look people in the eyes while talking to them.

  Another super tip for appearing less anxious and more confident in social situations is keeping your front body more open. Hunched shoulders and a rigid solar plexus will almost always make you feel nervous and inhibited. It will sap away your confidence. Instead, take deep breaths, keep your shoulders wide, and line your chin slightly while speaking to the person. It will instantly convey a more confident and self-assured demeanor.

  One tip I used to regularly follow and urge my readers to follow is this, each time you find yourself low on confidence, think of a recent accomplishment. When we think about our accomplishments, the brain releases a hormone called oxytocin to make us feel great about ourselves. If you aren’t feeling good about yourself, it’s time to boost your oxytocin level.

  This is not so much a long-term confidence strategy as it is a hack for increasing your self-confidence within a short span. Think about your recent achievements before going to any social gathering. If possible, keep pictures of these achievements ready in an album. Go through it each time you need an oxytocin boost.

  What is the energy level displayed by the other person? Are they shy, extroverted, low-profile, exuberant, and so on? For example, if the person you are interacting with is more shy and timid, you’ll come across as aggressive, pushy, and invasive to them if you display more exuberance. Similarly, if they are a person of few words, it will make your communication wordier if you get too expressive.

  Slow down the rate of your speech. If you want to feel and appear more confident, slow down the rate of your speech. Speaking slowly makes you enunciate your words, and come across as more confident even if you are bundle of nerves within. Observe people with authority, influence, expertise, and power. They will almost always speak slowly in a low-pitched voice. Simply slowing down your rate of speech will make people notice you. You will also start feeling more confident and in control of the situation. Yes, you can trick your mind into feeling, and eventually, becoming a more confident communicator and conversationalist.

  Another pro tip to quickly experience a surge of confidence is to listen to heavy bass music. I know it sounds weird driving down the street with heavy bass tunes. However, this genre of music is known to trick the mind into experiencing greater confidence. You can accomplish this effect with the help of any bass based music. Now, next time you have an important meeting, presentation, or social gathering lined up, dig out those headphones and tune in to the heaviest of the lot on your playlist.

  Recall a powerful moment each time you find yourself feeling low on confidence. Remember, what you are currently feeling or your present mental state isn’t simply determined by what’s happening in your life currently. It is also a result of everything that we’ve experienced in the past. If you need an additional confidence boost, visualize yourself in a particularly challenging and confident moment in the past. This was when you felt truly confident and powerful.

  It can be anything from negotiating a killer price for your new car to wowing everyone with the mic at the karaoke bar to standing up for yourself in the face of unnecessary criticism. Embed yourself in that powerful moment. Even though it may seem like its mere visualization, the impact on your confidence can be tremendous. Your brain’s happy chemicals will instantly shoot up, which will make you feel confident, self-assured, and completely in control.

  Test your negative beliefs a few times. If there’s one thing that is preventing you from being socially confident and uninhibited, it is negative s
elf-talk or personal criticism. It is fairly easy to look for proof that confirms your view since people are drawn to experiences that align with their beliefs and predictions. Instead, reframe a specific situation to challenge yourself perception. Each time you catch yourself thinking negative thoughts about yourself in a social situation, seek evidence of that belief.

  For example, if you think people won’t like you because you have nothing interesting or exciting to say, ask yourself if there’s any evidence of this belief. Did anyone ever mention to you that you are a boring person? Did you see a person or people consciously avoiding you or running in the opposite direction once you arrived? Most of our views about how others perceive us aren’t real or balanced. They are based on our extreme self-criticism.

  People don’t even think as much about us as we think they do. Honestly. It is our obsession with our flaws that lead us to believe that people are as critical and obsessive about our flaws as we are. Honestly, no one cares! The views that we hold about ourselves are more our views than other people’s. Is there something that proves your self-limiting belief beyond a doubt? If no, it is time to switch to a more positive frequency.

  Get into the habit of testing your negative self-beliefs. When you’ve started, look for evidence to solidify your perceptions. Was it a result of something that was beyond your control? Don’t automatically assume that people’s reactions are always a reflection of you. It can leave you discouraged. Realize that other’s reactions may simply be a reflection of them and not you.