by Cameron Dane
“Find the prettiest, funnest, sweetest girl in New York.” Will’s eyes shone brighter, and a small, honest-to-God grin appeared. “Someone who likes to grab life by the balls.”
A strangled chuckle choked Hunter and tore at his heart. “You want a ball grabber. Got it.”
“You have to let go and have a wild night with her, man. I know it ain’t what you usually want” -- hacking racked his frame and produced more blood -- “but you gotta just dive right into her and lose yourself. It’ll be like I get one more shot.” Wetness took over Will’s stare. “I really wanted one more chance.”
The tears fell faster than Hunter could wipe them away. “Don’t talk like that.” For Will, Hunter somehow held down his screams. “You’ll get her yourself.”
“Promise me, Tenny.” With a surge of strength, Will crushed his fingers into Hunter’s biceps. “If you say it, I know you’ll do it.”
Nodding, Hunter uttered brokenly, “I promise.”
“You’re a good friend.” Tension leaked from Will’s upper body. “Once you get the girl, ball a lot of guys too.”
A bark of laughter scratched Hunter’s throat. “Thanks for the permission. Maybe I will.”
“I’m getting cold.” Will darted his stare all around as clouds moved in, making his eyes milky. “It’s hard to see you.”
Hunter put his face right down on Will’s. “There.” He caressed Will’s cheeks and hair over and over again, letting the man feel his presence. “Is that better?”
“Don’t leave me.” The words barely squeaked past Will’s lips. He held on to Hunter’s arms like a boa constrictor trying to squeeze the life out of its prey. “I don’t want to die alone.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
Fifteen minutes later, amid gunfire, Will’s hands slipped from Hunter’s arms. A wash of warm air covered Hunter’s face a second later. It was the last breath Will Hicks ever took…
* * *
…“I bet you did it too.” Alex’s smooth voice brought Hunter back into the present. He now sat back against the couch, the pillow once again hugged to his stomach. “You found a girl you knew Will would like and spent the night with her.”
“I did.” Gruffness encased Hunter’s response. “It was like I could feel him there, and that made it good.” That night with a larger-than-life blonde medical student still made Hunter grin. “I don’t mean I was imagining the girl was him, so it was like I was having sex with him. It was more like somehow a piece of my desires stepped to the side, and Will moved inside me and channeled all this passion and excitement for a woman for one night. I don’t know.” Hunter shrugged, amazed he’d found his voice and his eyes remained dry. “Maybe I just listened to him talk raunchily yet somehow poetically about his love for women and sex so much it wasn’t that hard to find him inside me that night.”
“What about the guys?” Alex asked. “Did you go crazy with one-night stands with men like he wanted you to?”
“No.” As Hunter looked at Alex, this man he hardly knew yet had taken twice now with little finesse or care, heat burned his face. “It might sound improbable to you, but easy lays were never really my style, and I couldn’t make myself adopt it.” His lips thinned to a tight smile. “Not even for Will.”
“Did you…” Alex suddenly clamped his lips tight enough to turn them white. Through his eyes, it looked like he held an entire back-and-forth conversation in his head. He then blurted, “I’m sorry. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but did you lose your fingers in the attack that killed Will?”
“This?” Hunter held up his gloved hand. “No. I have a scar on my back from it, but I lost the fingers when shrapnel from a different skirmish got me.” Although he kept his hand covered, Hunter could remember that morning without flinching. “It actually sliced all four of them off. Heat from the metal turned my skin into hamburger, but one of the guys in my unit found two of my fingers intact. We were able to preserve them and get back to base fast enough for the surgeons to reattach them.”
“Bad enough wound to get you sent home, though.”
“No.” Fuck. Hunter shifted to stare at the TV, needing a minute to regroup. Fucking shit. This was the real reason why he didn’t like showing his hand. The questions it brought up led to the truth -- or a bunch of lies. Hunter couldn’t lie to Alex. Not after the last three days.
He’s seen some of it already. Just tell him. Nodding to himself, convincing himself, Hunter turned back around and made eye contact with Alex again. “Men and women are still contributing overseas with injuries worse than mine. When I lost my fingers, the doctor obviously had to check me over to make sure I didn’t have any other wounds that needed tending to. When he did” -- Hunter swallowed convulsively -- “he saw what you saw that night at your trailer.”
“The other scars,” Alex said in a hushed tone.
Still, even though Alex already knew, Hunter found it difficult to nod and talk. “He astutely noticed many of them weren’t from war and reported me to my commanding officer, who then reported me to the general in charge of the base. One trip to a psychiatrist later and the military discharged me with thanks for my service. They need soldiers, but they don’t want mentally unstable ones who could lose it at any moment and get an entire unit killed.”
Alex wiped the corner of his eye. “Dishonorably?”
“No. It’s actually very rare for someone to get a dishonorable discharge from service. You have to do something pretty bad. You don’t even get an honorable discharge very often. That kind of stuff is mostly in movies. Generally people just get a standard discharge when they’ve completed their time or an injury prevents them from serving any longer. I was near to the end of my enlistment anyway, and my record clearly showed I’d put more than enough time in both Iraq and Afghanistan in service to my country. My commander argued for me in front of the general. He said the military shouldn’t put this psych evaluation and its findings on my record. It would taint all the years I’d put in and served well. He convinced the general to officially discharge me because of my hand, but really it was because of what I was doing to myself.”
A glint of lamplight caught the piercing depth in Alex’s stare. “What you’re still doing to yourself.”
With a curt nod, Hunter said, “Yes.”
“Did Will’s death start it?”
Hunter took long, uncomfortable minutes in silence, breathing in and out, regulating his heartbeat, until he could speak without cracking in front of Alex. “I was on the verge a lot before that, but Will kept me one step ahead of insanity. When he died, I knew if I let myself sink into that loss, I would never recover. I would go insane. So every time I started to sense any wash of feelings wanting to erupt, I would channel it in another way until it passed.”
Alex’s focus slipped to Hunter’s torso. “By hurting yourself.”
The man’s pity conjured a growl in Hunter. “By redirecting my destructive thoughts and feelings into a tangible, physical pain and overcoming it,” he corrected.
“How long ago did Will die?”
“It has been twenty months and ten days now.”
“Good God, Hunt.” Alex wiped his face, reminding Hunter of the lines and dark smudges around his eyes. “What you must have done to yourself in that time.”
Hunter’s chest squeezed for Alex, but self-preservation had him speaking through clenched teeth. “I do what I need to do to survive.”
Alex suddenly tossed the pillow aside and walked on his knees to Hunter’s side. “Let me see.”
“What?” What Alex wanted hit Hunter in the gut, and he reared into the plush recliner behind him. “No.”
The man only moved in closer. “Let me see.” He didn’t grab, but determination fired his tone.
“Alex, no.” Hunter scrambled up to the seat and pushed into the dark fabric. “Please.”
“Shh. It’s all right.” Alex moved into the opening between Hunter’s legs. “I’ve let you inside me twice now,” h
e shared, offering a wobbly smile. “I’ve never done that with anyone before.”
Damn it. “Fucking A, man.” Hunter could only remember the aggression he’d used with this man, and his stomach churned. “Never?”
“Never. But look at me.” Alex spread his arms. “I’m fine.” He did shift back onto his ankles, giving Hunter a bit of space, but didn’t give him room to run. “I think you can trust me enough to show me your scars.”
Oh Jesus Christ. Will -- Trey. Help me. Nobody answered.
Hunter trembled terribly, but he lifted his arms.
Alex pressed a kiss to Hunter’s temple and then removed his shirt.
CHAPTER TWELVE
The shirt cleared Hunter’s head, leaving his upper body bare. Exposed. He heard Alex gasp and could fucking feel the man studying the hundreds of big slashes marring his skin, the tiny groupings of razor cuts, and dozens of circle burn marks from lighters. Hunter had looked at himself in a mirror enough to know the exact mapping of his damaged body -- particularly the self-inflicted atrocities -- but he couldn’t yet face seeing the horror in another man’s eyes. In Alex’s eyes. Please. Hunter kept his attention on the muted eighties sitcom playing on the TV, his body shaking all over. Let me get through this without losing my shit. Just this one time. Hunter didn’t know to whom he prayed; he just begged for someone or something out there to answer.
Alex stayed between Hunter’s spread legs, but he didn’t touch. “Let’s see the rest.” His voice held steady with sure, gentle command. “Give me your hand.”
Hunter didn’t have to ask which one. He could do this. You already held his dick with it anyway. As he lifted his gloved hand to Alex, still unable to risk looking into his eyes, Hunter breathed and managed to bring his shivering down to an occasional tremor.
With a whispered, “Thank you for trusting me,” Alex unbuckled the tall glove and slid the leather off Hunter’s hand. Still, his fingers did not graze Hunter’s skin. “Now lift up so I can take off your sweats.” With Alex so fully in charge now, Hunter no longer believed he had the ability to say no.
Hunter did Alex’s bidding without speaking, without eye contact. Once Hunter braced his weight on the arms of the recliner, Alex removed Hunter’s sweats, revealing more of his scars. Soft, dark hair covered Hunter’s thighs, concealing some of the pale aftermath of repeated cuttings, but the more visible, soft skin on his inner thighs told a similar story to his chest, stomach, and arms. Hunter burned with shame over this man witnessing the many signs of his weakness. Then -- holy mother -- Alex took Hunter’s hands and drew him to his feet.
Severing their brief hold, Alex backed away. “Look at me, Hunt.” While soft, Alex’s tone demanded Hunter comply.
Trembling again, Hunter forced his stare off the TV and found Alex bathed in muted light from the single lamp illuminating the room. Oh my. Hunter swallowed thickly. His clothing already removed, Alex stood nude before Hunter, the perfect specimen of man. With skin that possessed a healthy golden glow, muscles exquisitely honed, and a perfectly symmetrical face that would make the gods weep with pride, Alex had no match to his beauty in Hunter’s eyes. But it was the way Alex looked at Hunter, with simmering hunger darkening his stare, and a cock jutting out proud and long from a nest of blond fur, that stole Hunter’s breath away.
“So you see” -- Alex moved in close and grazed his cockhead against Hunter’s shaft, making Hunter’s prick jump to half-staff -- “you still excite me and make me as hard as you ever did.” He circled Hunter slowly, smelling his skin before touching back to back, glancing their asses and shoulder blades against one another on his trek. “I still want to know you and be with you.” As he continued to move, Alex brushed his chest against Hunter’s arm, exciting the nerve endings there to life. “You haven’t run me away or turned me off. I’m honored you trusted me tonight.” He came back to stand in front of Hunter, his stare piercing and clear. Leaning in, Alex hovered, his mouth mere centimeters from Hunter’s. “But more than what you look like -- and how much your insane body turns me on -- right now, I want permission to touch you wherever I want so I can figure out how to get you as hot and hard as you make me.”
Hunter found himself instinctually synchronizing his breathing with Alex’s. Their chests touched with every inhale, and their cocks grazed with every exhale. “You just have to stand near me,” Hunter confessed. Alex’s very proximity pulled Hunter into his intoxicating orbit. “It hasn’t taken anything more so far.”
A wicked -- Hunter liked thinking that word, Alex’s word -- glint flickered in Alex’s eyes. “That’s nice to hear.” He brushed his parted lips against Hunter’s, darting with a tiny lick, then hooked his ankle around Hunter’s and started them toppling. “But I think I can do better than standing close.”
The mountain of blankets already laid out for the evening cushioned their fall. Alex landed on top of Hunter but planted his hands into the bedding to soften the crash. Settling in between Hunter’s legs, Alex dropped to his elbows and put them nose to nose. He wiggled the tip of his against Hunter’s, and Hunter couldn’t swear it but he thought the man blushed.
Alex rested his forehead against Hunter’s. “Hi,” he said, sounding a bit like a kid.
Hunter found himself a little breathless too. “Hi.”
Rubbing his thumb against Hunter’s jaw with the most arousing brushstrokes, Alex said, “I’m going to kiss you now.” Humor danced in his gaze. “If you don’t want to do this, now would be the time to get up.”
Hunter looked down at their fused torsos and then lifted his gaze back to Alex’s. “You’re on top of me.”
Alex shifted into a push-up stance and started to get up.
Before a half-dozen inches separated their bodies, Hunter clamped his thighs to Alex’s hips and dragged him back down. “Don’t go.” Oh Jesus. Hunter’s heart skittered, and his hands suddenly shook again, but he curled his fingers -- even the damaged ones -- around Alex’s solid shoulders and found the blur of his eyes. “I want you to kiss me.”
As Alex dipped down, he whispered, “I thought you’d never ask.” He grazed his lips across Hunter’s; tentative, gossamer-light touches at first that sent shimmery, flowing waves through Hunter’s system. The gentle, steady contact seeped into Hunter’s muscles and bones, making his body feel like a puddle of molasses.
Hunter wound his arms around Alex’s back and sank into the blankets, aching for Alex to fall into him and let Hunter absorb his weight. He hadn’t felt a man on top of him, pressing into him, in forever. The heady sensation, along with Alex’s too-caring, sweet kisses, clawed at Hunter’s overwhelming desire to master and dominate. Having skin scraping against skin all over only heightened Hunter’s need. Hunter tunneled into Alex’s hair and angled his head with a rough jerk, positioning him for a deeper, openmouthed kiss. With one tug on Alex’s jaw, Hunter thrust his tongue past the man’s lips and took a swiping lick, moaning when he tangled with Alex’s tongue.
Alex immediately opened wider, accepting with low groans the full, wet, deep aggression of Hunter’s kiss. He oh so gloriously lowered every bit of his hard body completely onto Hunter and began to rock his hips, sliding their erections against each other with delicious friction. Every rubbing back and forth of their dicks, and each little lick or groan Alex pushed into Hunter’s mouth, toyed dangerously with Hunter’s control. Hunter scratched down Alex’s back and latched on to his ass, reveling in the tight, warm hills of flesh. He dug his fingers in, and Alex gasped and bucked, pushing his cock into Hunter’s belly. Fuck. Hunter leaked a stream of early ejaculate right next to the one Alex had just drizzled between their stomachs. His balls swelled big, heavy, and painful in his sac, eager to unload within the smothering confines of Alex’s willing ass. I need him right fucking now. Getting a better grip on Alex, Hunter started rolling the man onto his back.
“Wait. Wait.” Alex came up for air, halting them on their sides. Struggling to catch his breath, his eyes still shining with light, Alex quirked up h
is lush, kiss-reddened mouth at the edge, offering Hunter a small smile. “Slow down, Hunt.” He licked the tip of Hunter’s nose and pecked another fast kiss on his lips. “We don’t have to rush.”
“Can’t.” It felt like millions of little tentacles played right under the surface of Hunter’s flesh, attacking him with too many pleasurable sensations. “You said you want to know what gets me hot and hard.” He stabbed his raging dick into Alex’s belly, desperate for the man to understand. “Fucking you does it better than any other sexual experience I’ve ever had.” Hunter pushed his scarred fingers into Alex’s crack and played with his tight hole. “I want a piece of your ass again.” Latching his mouth to Alex’s with another searing kiss, Hunter nipped and sucked as he pushed to get Alex beneath him again.
This time, Alex bit back. Bursting with a show of power, he shoved Hunter onto his back once more. Perspiration plastered Alex’s hair to his forehead, and a flash of smile Hunter could only title victorious made the man fucking beam. “Let me at least get another taste of your cock first.” He reached between them and stroked right up the underside of Hunter’s dick, leaving shivery lines of joy in his wake. “I didn’t get to savor eating you last time.”
“Oh Jesus.” On fire, Hunter pressed his fists into his eyes, praying that not seeing Alex would slow down his raging desires. “Hurry, or you’re gonna kill me.”
Alex pecked kisses to Hunter’s fists and then to his nose, forehead, and cheeks. Hunter’s heart lurched with such exquisite, tightening pain he genuinely thought he might expire on the spot. Alex continued brushing sweet, light kisses over Hunter’s chin and down his throat, toying with Hunter’s grasp on control.
When Alex flicked his tongue and nibbled on Hunter’s already pebbled, sensitized nipples, Hunter moaned and admitted, “Ever since the first time I saw you running in those little shorts, I’ve spent every night thinking about fucking you raw.” Alex continued licking his way down Hunter’s torso, over burns and scars without pausing, and Hunter’s throat constricted while his cock wept with anticipation. “Everything we’ve done so far only makes me hungrier to have you again.”