by Casey Herzog
“I couldn’t have made the climb again, and I’m glad we don’t have to, father. I don’t want you to do something crazy again. I know you thought it was the only way, but we need to discuss these things before you take matters into your own hands.”
I felt like he needed to know how I was feeling and to put himself in my shoes. It was the only way he was going to learn.
“I will always do what I think is right. I don’t like the look in your eyes, and I was worried how close you came to relying on the darker arts. You’re not alone anymore; it doesn’t matter if I feel we are running out of time. You can ask me why I do these insane stunts, but the answer will still be the same. Family is my lifeline, and our bloodline needs to survive at any cost. You have always been the future, and the sooner you embrace that, the more likely you’ll be able to figure out your path.”
He was in front of me, and the shrouds were still there hanging back, but still very much shadowing over everything. Suddenly, one of the shrouds had broken through my consciousness or maybe I had left mine. I wasn’t really sure and it really didn’t matter.
“We don’t meant to intrude, but in this state of being, we don’t even know how much time has elapsed. Life for us is a never-ending hell. I’m not just saying that to get your sympathy. We’re not the only ones here, and they feed on us as much as we feed on them. It’s a vicious cycle.”
“I want to help, but how am I supposed to be assured of your sincerity. The other one was unhinged and would have gladly fed on me. The only reason he didn’t was that you convinced him there was more at stake. I have the feeling I know who you are, but it’s not a foregone conclusion.”
The shrouds had to be the manifestation of the banished, living in darkness and surviving on scraps of magic they could somehow taste on the wind. It was the only explanation that made any sense, and I would be foolish to think otherwise.
“I don’t know what to tell you other than we are victims as much as anyone. We’ve suffered indignities. It has become something we abhor, and I don’t know if we will ever be the same again after what we’ve done to live.
“Survival has become a way of life, but we don’t know any other way. I’ve been able to keep myself from losing it by clinging to the family waiting for me. You don’t know how hard it has been to keep the others from luring you to your demise.”
I was having a spirited discussion with a shroud and he seemed to be of sound mind. It could’ve been nothing more than a last-ditch effort to escape, but I had no idea if their imprisonment was warranted. There were still so many unanswered questions, but I felt compelled to really listen to their argument. This one, in particular, had my undivided attention.
“Don’t get me wrong, I feel for you deeply, like I have touched a small piece of what you have gone through. It feels quite intense and I don’t know how you have kept yourself from becoming mad.”
I made a conscious effort to follow my father’s footsteps, not deviating from them and hoping he somehow knew what he was doing. I didn’t want a repeat performance of trying to keep the hand of death from claiming us as one of its victims.
“I understand the skepticism, and I would probably feel the same way. A decision is going to have to be made by either you or me. It’s far better for you to invite us than for us to take it by force.”
It was giving me options, but giving it an invitation was too easy. If I did that and it was the wrong thing, then I would have only myself to blame for subjecting the community to this new evil. I’d already done enough to garner their mistrust. Anything more and I would be ostracized and no doubt made an example of like the banished.
“I don’t want to do anything without considering everything, but I understand the desperation in your voice. I’ve been responsible for making some very difficult decisions that haven’t exactly gone my way. I’m going to have to look at this from every angle to determine what to do. I know this is not what you want to hear, but it’s the only answer I have for you. I need you and the others to be patient a little while longer. It’s asking a lot, and I don’t blame you for feeling abandoned. I know that feeling better than anyone.”
My father put his hand up to stop my progression, and I looked toward the horizon and saw a tendril of smoke in the distance.
“I don’t know how it’s possible, but somebody is here with us. I have to wonder why they are here. We’ll take a cautious approach and won’t do anything until we know what we’re dealing with.”
He was only saying what I was already thinking, but I was curious enough to give whoever this was the benefit of the doubt.
“You don’t…trap…not what you think…stop…too late.”
There were several voices talking at the same time as if the shrouds were sounding off a warning. They were twisted sentences and fragments that encouraged me to be more aware of what was going on around me.
“It doesn’t seem possible for somebody to survive in these elements.” I wanted to get my father’s attention, but he was drawn to it like some kind of unseen force. “Don’t do anything until you think it through, father.”
This was the advice my father had given to me, and it was time for him to take his own advice without making the error of jumping in feet first too quickly.
“I need to go to her. Don’t you hear her calling me? I want to know how this is possible! I won’t rest until I find out.”
He sounded like he had lost touch with reality, and it was going to take me to pull him back from the abyss before he was swallowed whole. I tried to pull him back, but he was insistent to the point of giving me an expression that made my blood run cold. I put my hands up in surrender to signal I was no threat.
“Don’t you see this is wrong? If it looks to be too good to be true, then it probably is. Take a moment and take a breath in that order. Calm yourself down. You need to make a rational decision without going off half cocked.”
“You don’t understand. I’m not even sure I understand how this could possibly be. She needs me, and I will not let her down.”
My only saving grace was he did stop for a moment and take that breath I had mentioned. I stayed with him so I could be the voice of reason, but I knew deep down he was dead set with one goal in mind.
“Make me understand. I need to know why this is so important to you. Whatever this is can’t be good; we both know that. I didn’t want to say anything, but the shrouds have been screaming nonstop like they’re trying to warn us. I can’t make out what they’re saying, but the fragments call for us to be careful.”
He stopped for a moment, as if my words had gotten through to him, but then he turned and placed both hands on my shoulders.
“They are fooling you into thinking miracles can’t happen. This is beyond my wildest dreams come true. She needs me, and you don’t know how that feels.”
This thing had a hold on him, and I had no choice but to go along for the ride.
“I don’t know what you think this is, but I think it would be best for you to tell me.”
Instead of saying anything, he continued toward a figure covered in fur, sitting by a fire with their hands outstretched to the warmth.
“I thought I lost her. It wasn’t my fault. I tried to dissuade her, but she was determined. What she did caused people to act without thinking. I still can’t believe they did it. I fought them, but it wasn’t enough.”
He made no sense, but then the figure stood and turned with a dramatic pause for effect.
“Go…run…hide…only yourself to blame…not her…not her…not her.”
It was a deafening exchange of ideas. The shrouds were determined to break whatever spell my father was under. Only I heard their voices, and I could only convey a sense of urgency to my father.
The figure pulled back the fur hood covering her face and what I saw couldn’t be possible. Standing with open arms was my mother.
Chapter Fifteen
There was no way anybody could speak at a time like this. My mind
was trying to wrap itself around the fact that my mother was standing right there. I had no idea what was happening, and I had to take into consideration the possibility of having a mental breakdown. It would certainly explain all the strange things happening lately. I didn’t want to believe my mind was that fragile, but it wouldn’t have surprised me.
I looked back and forth from my mother to my father. I was wondering if he was going to have the same reaction, but what I saw was utter shock. It was still freezing cold and I could still feel the presence of the shrouds. They were still there, but no longer were they yelling like their lives depended on it.
“I don’t even know what to say to you,” my father said, reaching out his hand, most likely afraid of this being some sort of hallucination from the cold. If he was having it, then I was having it with him.
My mother didn’t say a thing and cocked her head to the side, like she was trying to figure out who we were. Her hair was a mane of white, as if all the follicles had been frozen. She didn’t look like she was in distress, nor did she seem to feel like she was out of place.
I touched my father’s shoulder, but he didn’t even bother to look back at me. The only thing concerning him was my mother, and how it was possible for her to be here. I wanted to say something, but there were too many questions in my head to make them sound clear and concise.
“It’s been a long time, Michael, and I have to say I’m not at all happy to see you. We both know the reason I have held a grudge all of these years. I know in my heart it wasn’t your fault, but what my heart and my head believe are two different things.”
My mother looked right at home within this harsh environment, a climate better suited for wild animals.
I had no idea how she could survive when the last thing I remembered of her was seeing her body set ablaze. All the bodies lost to the sickness had been eliminated in much the same way to avoid a secondary outbreak. It was said to be a necessary precaution, but for a little girl like me, I was traumatized to see her burn like that.
“I’m sorry it had to come down to making a sacrifice, but you have to know it could’ve been a whole lot worse. It took a lot to convince them not to burn you with the other bodies. I had to pull in a lot of favors and burn a lot of bridges to give you a fighting chance.”
My father was backpedaling, coming up with some reasonable explanation for what happened to her and not getting any favorable results.
“I know you didn’t mean any harm, but that still doesn’t take away the pain of losing my daughter. I regret leaving her to make her way in this world alone. I can only assume the feeling I’m getting from the both of you is because of me.”
She didn’t look the same as the photograph I kept by my bed. I didn’t want my father to know about it, and I had kept it private like a secret between my mother and me.
This was just another turning point in the many chapters of my life that had not yet been written. This was definitely something unpredictable, and there was no way to foresee my mother, of all people, being here.
“You can see for yourself she has grown up to be a remarkable young woman. I didn’t have much to do with raising her. I never quite knew how to speak her language,” my father said as his hand shook in disbelief at the sight greeting him.
“I could be upset, but I had a lot of time to think about things, and I know nothing good comes from having revenge in my heart.” My mother was acting like it was no big deal, when I knew the truth better than anyone. I still didn’t have all the answers, but the pieces I was able to put together did make sense.
“You would have every right to hate me, and I wouldn’t blame you. I don’t know what else I could’ve done without sacrificing both of us. It was something out of our control, and you know that better than anyone. You have to admit, it was your idea. I stood strong against it, but you still had a willful spirit.”
My father swallowed and I think in some small way he was relieved and skeptical at the same time.
“I don’t particularly condone bringing our daughter here, but I doubt she had to twist your arm. Even when she was a child, she didn’t have many boundaries, but she tried to hide her adventurous spirit from the both of us. I sense magic has become part of her life yet I can’t say I fully agree with allowing her access to the most powerful force alive,” she said, as she turned and sat back down by the fire like she was unconsciously inviting us to do the same.
I moved past my father and sat down beside her, where her hand came in contact with my own. The glove had been replaced by the cold and harsh reality of my mother’s hand, but there was something about her.
“You must forgive your father for his trespasses against you. He did his best under extreme circumstances. I wish I could’ve been there to see you grow up and give you the benefit of my years of experience,” she said, smiling and showing nothing but respect, which was a far cry from the way I thought she would react.
“He was there when you couldn’t be; what more could I ask for? I didn’t have you, and I don’t know the reason you felt it necessary to abandon me. I have to wonder what I would’ve become had you stuck around.”
I directed my comments to her, but I knew my father was listening in on our conversation. I could feel his presence looming over us, and I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to handle having both of my parents in the same place.
“I understand how upset you are, but it wasn’t like I had much of a choice. I’ve always been too stubborn for my own good, and sometimes, I didn’t know how to hold back. God bless your father for keeping me from doing some of the most insane things, but I was still an adrenaline junkie.”
She spoke with surprising calm. How she wasn’t insane after years of being exiled was beyond me.
“I can’t begin to tell you how I’m feeling without wanting to scream, but I suppose that’s normal considering our predicament. I think I know what happened to you, but what I don’t understand is how you didn’t end up like the banished. They wander aimlessly in the dark, drawn by whatever magic they can find, which ultimately has become a way of life for them,” I said, looking down at my mother’s hand and feeling the familiar connection that only mother and daughter could have.
“I would let your father field any questions you might have, but I fear he wouldn’t make much sense. I’ve been here for years, and you can imagine how scared I was. There was no way for me to leave; something has been keeping me here against my will.”
I felt sorry for her, but there was very little I could do. It was painful to realize the limitations I had, but there was always something there. I didn’t want to give it a voice, but the scratching presence of evil was never too far away from my thoughts.
“The question foremost on my mind is why you both decided to keep me from learning the truth. We’ve always been a family of secrets. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that this isn’t any different.”
I felt the rising bile of contempt in my throat. I wanted to make them realize their mistake, but how could I be mad at her for wanting to survive.
“I wanted to tell you the truth, but your father thought you would be broken into pieces. It didn’t feel like I had anything to live for without you,” she said as she hung her head low like she was hiding from the both of us.
“My father has some antiquated ideas about loyalty, which I’m sure you can attest to. He’s never been one for sympathy, and it’s only recently we’ve begun to put our relationship back together.”
I wanted to look anywhere else but her face, and hearing her voice was a cold knife of reality in my chest. I couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing she was out here all this time, suffering without anybody coming to her rescue. I would’ve moved heaven and earth to help her, but I didn’t even know she was alive.
“I don’t even know where to begin. Sometimes your father thinks he knows what’s best, when he doesn’t. I don’t blame him, but I did at one time. The thing keeping me here feeds on negative emotions. I had to learn to
forgive or I would have never been able to make it this far.”
She sounded sensible, but how could she be when she had been here for many years, in solitude, away from her family.
The flower was up there, but the storm had picked up once again, like it knew we were getting close and had to slow us down some more.
“There is an ultimate flaw in all of us, and we all know what it is, but none of us wants to say it. Pride sometimes stands in the way of good judgment. I was left in an untenable situation with very few options. I’m sorry if you think I was weak,” my father said, as he stayed on the other side of the fire like he couldn’t bear to be near my mother without wanting to touch her.
“There’s nothing for you to apologize for, Michael. There’s really nothing you could have done differently. I know your heart was in the right place, but they made it quite clear what needed to be done. They were not about to take no for an answer, and forcing me out was the only thing they could do.” She was being far more accepting than I would have been had I been in her shoes.
I saw my father’s eyes begin to flutter; exhaustion was setting in with the cold blanketing us. If the trip didn’t wear us down, then learning about my mother certainly did take its toll. I found myself mimicking my father’s yawn, which made me lean against my mother with the same melody I had heard in Damien’s room playing over and over again in my head.
Chapter Sixteen
“I don’t know why you don’t understand. It’s not like you can do anything about it. This place won’t let me go without a fight, and I just don’t think you have what it takes to break me free.”
I heard my mother’s voice and I woke to find the gloom of heavy clouds high above.
“I won’t accept there’s no way to bring you home where you belong. I should have questioned them, but they were dead set against any form of communication between us,” my father said as he walked around in circles, pacing like he always did when he felt like he was in a tight and enclosed space.