by Robert Bevan
There weren't many things Dave would have preferred to do less than to make an impromptu eulogy for an asshole they'd just met a couple of hours before he tried to sell them into slavery, but Julian was nodding at him encouragingly.
Whatever this guy wants, as long as he lets us go afterward.
“Dearly beloved,” Dave started.
Cooper snorted. He, Tim, and Julian had their heads bowed, which Dave thought was an attempt at fake reverence. But now he suspected they were just trying to keep from making eye contact with him.
“We are gathered here today to celebrate the memory of Hollingsworth. He lived his life like a candle in the wind. Hollingsworth, who loved bowling.” Dave could feel his palms sweating as he went further and further off the rails. He needed to bring this back on track and end it as quickly as possible. “Yea, though you walk through the Hidden Valley of Death, may you hear no evil, nor see it.” He folded his hands and bowed. “Namaste.”
“Namaste?” Julian, Tim, and Cooper muttered.
“Namaste,” Furgal repeated solemnly.
Cooper pretended to wipe a tear from his eye. “That was beautiful, Dave.”
“Indeed,” said Furgal. “Very touching.”
Julian clapped his hands together. “Well, we don't want to waste any more of your time. I suppose we should be heading home.”
“Very well. Step into my sack, and I shall take you there.” Furgal opened the mouth of his sack and spread it on the ground.
Julian looked anxiously at the brown leather sack, stained with dark blotches of what Dave hoped was spilled raspberry jam from an old picnicking accident. “That's very kind of you, but we'll just go back the way we came.”
“I'm afraid that will not be possible,” said Furgal. “You are my property now. You are coming with me.”
“Fuck that!” said Tim. “You told us we could go home!”
Furgal grabbed Tim with one hand and his sack with the other. “And you shall. I will bring you to your new home, where you will help my sons become men.”
“Wha–” Tim managed to squeak out before he was shoved into the bag.
Cooper started to run, but Furgal probably anticipating that, let the mouth of the sack drop open next to Cooper and shoved him inside.
“I don't want to fuck your kids!” cried Cooper before Furgal lifted the sack, effectively shutting him up.
“What about honor?” asked Julian when Furgal moved toward him. There was more desperation in his voice than Diplomacy. “Didn't you kill Hollingsworth because he was engaging in human trafficking?”
Furgal squinted at Julian, then at Dave, then at his sack. “Human trafficking?”
“Figure of speech. I meant slave trading.”
“I killed Hollingsworth for selling out his own people. There is no honor in that.”
“What about us?” asked Julian. He spread his arms and smiled up at Furgal. “Are we not all one people?”
“You are not giantkin. You are inferior tiny races. Not my people.” Furgal grabbed Julian and shoved him into the sack.
Only Dave was left. Furgal's giant dick swung like a pendulum as he lumbered toward Dave.
“Please, sir,” pleaded Dave. “We can't help your sons become men. Wouldn't you prefer some women for that?”
Furgal stopped and squatted. Even in a squat his face was a good four feet higher than Dave's. “Would you sell out your own people's women? That is even lower than Hollingsworth.”
Now that he put it that way, it did sound like kind of a fucked up thing to say.
“No, I...” Dave had nothing.
“Get in the sack.”
Dave nodded and stepped into the open sack, which was immediately jerked up around him, engulfing him in darkness, a tangle of slimy flailing elbows and knees, and the worst smell he'd ever experienced. No, it was a smell he was intimately familiar with, but never quite this concentrated before.
“Oh god, what the hell?”
“Sorry, man,” said Cooper. “Fear of getting raped by stone giants gives me the shits.”
The sack shook and swung, like Furgal was switching shoulders. Dave, already upside down, felt himself sinking deeper in. Then he felt something like a large monkey scramble up his leg. It had to be Tim.
Finally, he felt warm, sticky liquid on his cheek. He reached upward to find something to grab hold of, but he only sank deeper in.
“Dammit, Tim!” Dave cried, the top of his head submerged in half-orc shit. “I'm in up to my eyes. If it gets to my nose, I'm literally going to drown in shit!”
“Stop moving.” Tim's voice came from up near Dave's feet, confirming Dave's theory. “You're the densest person here. The more you move, the more you're going to sink.”
“Fuck you! You climbed me like a goddamn tree! That's why I'm sinking.” Dave tried to kick Tim, but felt the warm, oozing shit pass over his eyes to the bridge of his nose. He stopped kicking and froze as still as he could. “Okay. I'm cool. I'm cool.”
“I don't want to sound homophobic,” said Cooper. “But I'm kinda scared right now.”
“There's nothing intrinsically homophobic about not wanting to be raped,” said Julian.
Cooper sighed, as if he was actually reassured by Julian's words. “I mean, did you see the size of that dude's schlong?”
“Screw you guys!” said Tim. “Dave and Cooper could fit double-decker buses up their asses. Julian's almost certainly going to sustain severe internal damage. I'm just going to be a fucking cock koozie.”
Dave had a sudden last ditch hope. “Maybe stone giants reach sexual maturity earlier than humans. Maybe they're really young. If they're, like, eight years old or something, they might have smaller dongs.”
The inside of the sack went completely silent until Tim finally spoke up.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Dave?”
“I didn't mean... I'm just saying... I was looking for a scenario where we might all survive this.”
“What do you think, Julian? Is there anything intrinsically wrong with hoping our rapists are eight-year-olds?”
Now that Tim put it that way, it did sound like a pretty fucked up thing to say.
“Given the circumstances,” Julian responded, “I'd say it's an ethical grey area.”
Once again, Dave felt the need to reset the train he'd accidentally derailed. “We should make a break for it now.”
“With what?” asked Tim. “We don't have any weapons. We can't outrun this asshole. We certainly can't fight him. Remember Hollingsworth?”
“He got Hollingsworth with a surprise attack. If Hollingsworth hadn't been blinded by greed and went into that meeting prepared for the worst, that might have been more of a battle. How might we fare if we get the jump on Furgal?”
“Need I remind you that we're all slowly suffocating in a sack of shit slung over Furgal's shoulder? This is hardly an ideal attack formation.”
“That's just the point!” said Dave. “That makes it an even bigger surprise.”
“If you have a plan beyond this, I think we're all willing to listen.”
Dave turned his head to where he thought Julian was. Not that it mattered, as they were all in the dark, and his eyes were covered in shit. “Julian, can you summon a horse inside this sack?”
“Stop!” said Tim. Then he continued in a calmer voice. “If I may point out a potential flaw in the early stages of your plan, this sack is already pretty fucking crowded.”
“Exactly,” said Dave. “The sudden manifestation of a horse might be enough to tear this sack apart at the seams.”
“And then what? Those of us who survive getting hooved in the fucking face by an understandably confused horse will have the shit pounded out of us by a stone giant.”
“Not if we create enough chaos.” Julian choked out the words like he'd been trying to breathe as little as possible. “The first horse busts the sack open.”
“First horse?” asked Dave.
“Then I keep summoning more h
orses, both to create confusion and so that we can haul ass out of there. Cooper throws Tim up at Furgal's face, where Tim will shove handfuls of shit into his eyes.”
“What's the point of Tim having shit in his eyes?” asked Cooper.
Julian sighed. “I meant Furgal's eyes.”
“And what about me?” asked Dave.
“You jump up and grab onto his dick.”
“Why do I have to grab onto his dick?”
“Somebody has to. Everyone else already has assignments.”
“I'm just not convinced that dick grabbing is a necessary part of this plan. Couldn't I just hug his ankle or something?”
“That's not going to keep him from kicking our asses. Nobody can fight with a dwarf swinging from their dick.”
“Dude,” said Cooper. “You're starting to sound a little homophobic.”
“No I'm not! Julian, is there anything intrinsically homophobic about not wanting to swing from a giant dick?”
“I don't know man. You were ready to hug his ankle. Getting squeamish about touching his dick to save all our lives kind of sounds like textbook homophobia to me.”
“Fuck you! Who made you our Minister of Morality anyway? If I was homophobic, wouldn't I rather swing from a giant dick then take one up the ass?”
“You make an interesting point.”
Now that Julian put it that way, it did sound like a pretty fucked up thing to say.
“Dude!” said Cooper. “Are you selling us all out for some stone giant cock?”
“He's probably still holding out hope that they're eight-year-olds,” said Tim.
Julian had used his Diplomacy skill on the whole party, and they'd swallowed it hook, line, and sinker.
“You know what?” said Dave. “Fuck all you guys! You want to do this stupid plan. Have at it. I'll swing from giant dick if that's what it takes. Let's go.”
“Sorry, Dave,” said Julian. “The plan only works if everyone does their part.”
“Just summon your stupid horse.”
Julian's feet pushed against Dave's breastplate as he positioned himself to cast the spell.
“Horse!”
Dave's head was shoved deeper into the shit as his entire body was pressed against the thick unyielding hide of the sack. Though his ears were clogged with shit, he had no trouble hearing the frightened horse scream as its hooves pounded his backplate.
The sack descended quickly, sandwiching Dave between the hard ground and the weight of his three companions and a horse. He hoped it would be enough to crush him to death before he drowned in Cooper's shit. But it was not to be.
The horse's weight suddenly disappeared, and Dave was able to lift his face out of the shit puddle at the bottom of the sack, the top of which was now open.
Furgal glared down at the four of them, his hands on his hips. The tip of his penis seemed to be glaring at Dave specifically, but that could have been Dave's imagination.
The horse was outside of Dave's extremely limited field of vision, but he could hear it galloping away.
“That was an unkind trick,” said Furgal. “You might have thrown out my back.” He bent over. When he stood back up, he was holding a bowling ball sized stone in his hand and squinting off into the distance.
“Oh no,” cried Juilan. “Please –”
Furgal hurled the stone, and the sound of galloping stopped shortly afterward. He looked back down at the sack.
“We have arrived.”
That was just as well. The sack had held together, ruining Julian's plan, which required a bit more freedom of movement than they currently had.
Tim hopped out first. Julian crawled out after him. Dave and Cooper rolled around in the sack of sweaty shit-paste for a moment, trying to untangle their limbs.
The outside air smelled heavily of shit, but was absolutely refreshing compared to the air inside the sack.
A massive stone house, similar in style to those in The Flintstones, towered over Dave. There was no door, but Dave supposed that stone giants don't have to worry too much about people wandering in and stealing their shit.
The few pieces of furniture Dave saw as they followed their host through the house were made of tree trunks or boulders, leveled off and polished at heights suited to their purposes. An arrangement of three stumps around a five foot tall cube of stone was easily identifiable as a primitive but functional dining set.
Furgal led Dave, Julian, Cooper, and Tim through the doorway at the back of the house. They followed his bare stony ass, no one willing to make the first move in the assault they'd hastily planned.
They came to the edge of a pit, roughly the dimensions of an Olympic sized swimming pool, only deeper. The floor of the pit was more of the same rocky dirt that seemed to be native to this area, but the stonework lining the sides was some of the smoothest masonry Dave had ever seen. The dwarf in him appreciated the craftsmanship, though he suspected the attention to detail was meant to make climbing out nigh-impossible.
Dave suddenly realized something else. There was still no sign of the two sons. They still had a four-on-one advantage against Furgal. Another advantage was that Furgal was standing right on the edge of the pit. One good shove, and they might buy enough time for Julian to summon some more horses. The odds were still slim, but Dave thought they were better than making it out of that pit alive once they got into it.
Tim, Julian, and Cooper seemed to be thinking the same thing. They all traded glances and nods, but all seemed hesitant to make the first move. A better opportunity than the one they had right now wasn't likely to present itself, so Dave took the initiative.
“NOW!” Dave ran at Furgal, his arms raised as high as he could raise them to give the stone giant a push in the ass.
“Horse!” cried Julian.
“Fuck,” said Tim, running in front of Furgal over toward Cooper. Furgal gave him a gentle kick into the pit while Dave pushed ineffectively on his ass.
“Fuck!” Tim repeated from the bottom of the pit.
Cooper narrowed his eyes at Dave, shook his head, and grabbed for Furgal's arm.
Furgal waved his arm out of the way, then shoved Cooper into the pit.
“Goddammit, Dave!” said Cooper from the bottom of the pit.
Dave lowered his arms as Furgal turned to face him and Julian.
“I'll just let myself down.” Julian jumped into the pit, and Cooper grunted as he caught him.
Furgal glared down at Dave. “I do not approve of your trickery. You fight without honor.”
From his brief time knowing Furgal, Dave knew that the penalty for dishonor could be as severe as getting beaten to death with a bag of rocks. He followed Julian's strategy of jumping into the pit.
His legs buckled, landing him hard on his ass. It hurt a lot, but his friends' glares following him down as they made no move to catch him also stung.
“I hope you find your accommodations suitable,” Furgal said, now towering twenty feet above them.
Cooper looked around the pit. “This is our accommodations?”
“You shall have everything you need to be comfortable. As you can see, there is plenty of room to run around. I shall return soon with your food and water bowls.”
“Food and water bowls?” said Tim. “We're not fucking dogs, you know!”
Furgal furrowed his brow and squinted down at Tim. “I would never ask you to do that.”
Before Tim could replay the exchange in his head, Furgal continued. “Behave yourselves. I must tend to supper before my sons come home.” He looked at the sky and sniffed the air. “I fear coming rain is in the wind.”
“What the fuck, Dave?” said Tim once Furgal retreated back to the house.
“What did I do?”
“You didn't follow the plan. You didn't even give us time to get into position. Cooper was supposed to throw me up to his face so I could rub shit in his eyes, remember?”
“That plan was bullshit and you all know it.”
“But your as
s-grab plan was foolproof.”
“Yeah,” said Cooper. “You were supposed to swing from his dick, not fondle his cheeks.”
Dave pushed himself up and rubbed the ache out of his own ass. “I saw an opportunity and I took it. I thought it would be better to push him into the pit and make a run for it. If we'd all pushed at the same time –”
“How could we all push at the same time when you didn't tell anyone that we were all supposed to push at the same time? You think we can read minds? Cooper can't even read fucking words!”
“Hey,” said Cooper. “Don't take this shit out on me. This is Dave's fault!”
Tim nodded and held up his hands. “I'm sorry. You're right.”
Dave wiped a clump of shit off his forehead and flung it on the ground between Cooper and Tim. “How the hell is this –”
“We need to get the fuck out of here,” said Tim, scratching his head in thought and completely ignoring Dave. “Who knows when Furgal's sons are going to come home?”
“We might have more pressing concerns,” said Julian. “Or at least more immediate, depending on when they arrive.”
“What could possibly be weighing on your mind more heavily than us getting raped to death by giants?” Tim looked right, then left, then up, then back at Julian. “If this is about your goddamn bird gone missing again, Furgal's sons are going to have to pull my foot out of your ass before they have their way with you.”
“Ravenus is fine. I told him to fly off while Furgal was beating Hollingsworth to death.”
“So what's this other great concern of yours?”
Julian looked away like he knew his answer wasn't going to be well received. “Rain.”
“Are you fucking with me right now?” asked Tim. “Look at us! We are literally covered in shit. If there was ever a time we needed the gods to piss down some rain on us –”
“Oh shit, Julian's right.” Dave suddenly knew where Julian was going with this.
Tim shook his head. “Unbelievable. You're more covered in shit than any of us. You're more shit than Dave right now, and you're actually worried about a little rain?”
“Rain doesn't just wash off shit. It washes off chalk.”
Tim balled his fists like he was going beyond flabbergasted. He opened his mouth to speak, but realized their meaning before he uttered a word. “Okay, fair point. But I'm still more concerned about getting raped to death by giants.”