5d6 (Caverns and Creatures)

by Robert Bevan

  “Keep your voice down,” said Tim. “I'll go scout ahead.”

  The pleading look on Koestner's face suggested that he didn't want to wait, but he nodded.

  Tim took Julian's glowing coin and ran as fast and quietly as he could, cupping his hands around the coin to let out only as much light as he needed to see where he was going. He slowed down as he heard the two salad monsters shouting at each other. He didn't know what they were saying, but they seemed even angrier than they had been before.

  Sudden interruptions punctuated their speech, which Tim hoped meant that their quarrel had escalated beyond mere words.

  When the light from the cave entrance and the hole in the ceiling was sufficient, Tim pocketed the coin. They were making so much noise that he didn't bother trying to be too stealthy, but he stayed close to the wall to stay out of sight as much as he could.

  The fight had indeed come to blows. The two creatures clawed wildly at each other, tearing deep gashes into each other's flesh. Caesar's shit robe was torn to shreds, barely hanging onto his body. Potato's naked red flesh looked almost as bad. Their blood, thin and brown like Balsamic dressing, was splattered all over the cavern's floor and walls.

  Caesar lunged at Potato, his mouth wide open as he went for the throat. Potato ducked and grabbed Caesar by the ankle, tripping him. With a furious croak, Potato grabbed Caesar by the right thigh and the back of his neck, and lifted him over his head. He struggled the few steps to the cave entrance and tossed Caesar out.

  Caesar's final croak started loud, but faded quickly until it stopped very abruptly.

  Potato hunched over, bloody and exhausted. It was a hard-earned victory.

  Tim thought that one well-placed Sneak Attack might be all it took to put down this crouton-shitting motherfucker for good, and wondered if he'd get full Experience Points for the kill. Slowly and carefully, he loaded a bolt into his crossbow and pulled it back.

  When it clicked into place, he might as well have set off fireworks in a shipping container. Either the acoustics of this particular spot were astoundingly well-suited to transmitting sound waves or, more likely, he'd rolled a natural 1 on a Stealth check. Either way, the crossbow's click went bouncing all over the walls of the goddamn cavern.

  Potato whirled around, still catching his breath and still bleeding. But his wounds seemed a little shallower than they had been just a minute ago.

  Tim had some doubt now as to whether a single bolt might finish him off. Certainly not now that he'd been spotted and wouldn't get his Sneak Attack bonus to damage. He cautiously took a step back, prepared to shoot, run, and scream.

  But Potato's froggy eyes didn't look angry. He flicked out hit tongue a few times, then sat down on a large flat rock next to the wall.

  “Flub grub,” he said, gesturing at Tim's rope, still hanging from the hole in the ceiling.

  Tim lowered his crossbow and bowed his head slightly. “Flub grub.”

  Potato croaked out a small laugh, which bothered Tim more than it should have.

  Tim backed into the tunnel until he lost sight of Potato, then pulled the glowing coin out of his pocket and began running back to his friends. After he'd been running for some time, the light suddenly went out.

  Stonepiss, inertia, and the distraction of sudden blindness made a lousy cocktail. Tim misjudged the upcoming curve and smacked his face against the wall.

  “Son of a bitch!” He pulled out his flask, swallowed back some stonepiss, then poured a little onto the scrapes on his nose, eyebrow, and cheek. It stung.

  “Tim?” Julian's voice echoed down the tunnel. It didn't sound too far away. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah,” Tim snapped back. “No thanks to your shitty coin.”

  Tim's visibility returned as soft white light rounded the bend in the tunnel. Julian and Dave led the way. Cooper followed with the gait of someone walking while clenching their ass cheeks. Koestner rode piggyback. Tim couldn't tell if the poor old bastard was alive or dead.

  Julian held up a second glowing coin and winced at the sight of Tim's face. “Sorry about that. Light is a Zero Level spell, so the duration isn't so long. So what's up with the two salad monsters?”

  “One salad monster,” Tim corrected him. “Potato chucked Caesar off the cliff. Then he spotted me and indicated that we're free to leave.”

  “That's strange,” said Dave. “He seemed pretty prone to violence.”

  Tim stood up and had another sip from his flask. “It makes sense when you think about it from the point of an extremely spiteful person. This isn't his home. He resented being summoned. Letting us go is just one more Fuck you to the guy who spoiled his wank time.”

  Dave nodded. “Still, we should hurry before he changes his mind.”

  “Agreed.”

  “What was that clicking noise I heard a few minutes ago?” asked Cooper.

  Tim glared down at his crossbow. “Shitty roll.”

  When they reached the main chamber, Potato hadn't moved from where he'd been sitting when Tim left him. He looked up at them, but remained where he was.

  “Just be cool,” Tim whispered. “Don't make any sudden moves, but be ready to fight if you have to.”

  The corners of Potato's wide lips stretched back, like he was amused at how cautiously they were inching toward the rope. He waved a webbed hand at them. “Flub grub.”

  Tim folded his hands and bowed. “Flub grub.” This elicited another croaking chuckle from Potato, and this time also from Julian.

  “What's so goddamn funny about that?” asked Tim. “Am I saying it wrong?”

  “First of all, your accent is ridiculous,” said Julian. “You need more of a belch in it.”

  Tim sucked in some air and tried belching out the words again. “Flub grub.”

  Potato laughed again.

  “Fuck you, frog!”

  “That was better,” said Julian.

  “Then why's he still laughing?”

  “Because you just told him that he and his friends are free to leave.”

  “Well how the fuck was I supposed to know what it meant? I thought he was saying hello or peace or some shit.”

  Cooper set Koestner down on the rug. The poor old bastard was asleep and barely breathing.

  “He's going to die if we don't get him to a cleric really soon,” said Dave.

  Tim nodded. “Same plan as before. I'll go up first and make sure the rope is secure enough for Julian. Once Julian gets up there, he can summon a horse for us to anchor the rope to so that we can get everyone else –”

  “YAAAAAAAA!” Koestner moaned, his eyes suddenly wide open. Then his head tilted to the side. His eyes remained open, but there was no longer any life left in them.

  “Shit,” said Tim. “We lost Koestner.”

  “His heart's still beating,” said Cooper.

  Tim looked at the old healer's chest. There was definitely some movement going on under the shirt, but Tim would be damned if that was a beating heart.

  “We should probably stand back.”

  A red stain blossomed on Koestner's shirt, then quickly grew.

  Cooper took an extra step back. “What in all the fucks is going –”

  SPLAT

  Koestner's chest exploded, splattering blood in every direction as something like a blood-and-mucous-covered Darwin fish flopped out onto the carpet next to Koestner's now unquestionably dead body, belching and hissing and flapping bodily fluids everywhere.

  “JESUS!” cried Dave. He moved in to kick the ungodly abomination away just as Tim caught a wide smile and a glint of joy in Potato's eyes.

  “Dave! No! It's a –”

  Dave kicked the gruesome polywog toward the mouth of the cave.

  “– baby.” Tim retained a sliver of hope that, with a high enough Diplomacy roll from Julian, they might still be able to talk their way out of this when the disgusting newborn salad monster stopped just short of falling off the edge.

  Flip. Flap. Flop. Over the edge it went,
and with it the last of Tim's hope.

  Potato let out a croak that shook more dirt and rocks loose from the broken ceiling, then ran to the mouth of the cavern.

  “What the fuck were you thinking?” Tim asked Dave.

  Dave shrugged. “Mostly, 'Holy shit, that's gross! Get it away from me!' How was I supposed to know it was a baby salad monster?”

  “The red skin didn't give it away?”

  Dave pointed at Potato, still grieving by the mouth of the cavern. “He has red skin. The little alien thing was only red because it was covered in liquid Koestner!”

  “Maybe we should fall back and try to hide,” said Julian. “Potato is still on a timer, right?”

  “Or we could push it over the edge,” suggested Dave.

  Julian gripped his quarterstaff like he was ready to club Dave in the face with it. “What the hell is wrong with you? He's grieving for the loss of a child. A child that you murdered! And your first thought is to shove him off a cliff?”

  “I'm just being practical. That thing murdered one of its own kind just for interrupting a wank session. What do you think it will do to us?”

  “It was more complicated than that. There were nuances to the conversation that I couldn't translate properly, but the gist was that –”

  “Guys,” said Cooper, loudly enough to shut the rest of them up. “He's gone.”

  Tim, Julian, and Dave looked at the mouth of the cavern. Sure enough, it was bereft of salad monsters.

  “Has it been an hour already?” asked Julian. “It doesn't feel like an hour. Did he just disappear?”

  Cooper shook his head sadly. “He jumped.”

  “Whoa,” said Julian. “That's messed up.”

  Dave clapped his hands. “On the bright side, the problem sorted itself out.”

  Julian's fist shook, like it was going to explode if he didn't use it to punch Dave in the face. He settled for a slap. It was underwhelming.

  “What was that for?” said Dave, rubbing his cheek.

  “How can you be such a despicable unfeeling asshole? Someone just took their own life right in front of you!”

  Tim wondered if they'd get Experience Points for driving someone to suicide, but he kept his thoughts to himself.

  “I'm sorry I'm not salting the mashed Potato with my tears,” said Dave. “I've got more important concerns right now.”

  “What could you possibly be concerned about?” asked Julian. “I thought the problem just sorted itself out.”

  Dave frowned, suddenly looking very serious. “This is just a theory I'm working with, so I don't want anybody to freak out. But I think Cooper may be pregnant.”

  After a moment of stunned silence, Julian started laughing. After a moment of no one else joining in, he stopped.

  “Are you guys serious? Is this a Bible Belt thing? Do they not teach Sex Ed in Mississippi public schools?”

  “It's not a Bible Belt thing,” said Tim. “It's a Caverns & Creatures thing. We all just witnessed a man giving birth a few minutes ago, or don't you recall?”

  “That's right,” said Dave. “And now that I think about it, I do seem to remember reading in the Monster Manual about a creature that has egg pellets in its claws.”

  Cooper grimaced. “Was it the salad monster?”

  “I don't remember for sure, but that's looking like a good bet. It would also account for why it... violated you and Koestner the way it did.”

  “I'm pretty sure I'd remember if the Monster Manual had said anything about ass-fingering.”

  “With a little bit of frontier surgery and a successful Heal check, the egg pellet can be removed if detected early enough. Digging a pellet from out of a person's rectum would be more...”

  “Challenging?” said Tim.

  “Unpleasant?” said Julian.

  “Intimate?” said Cooper.

  “I was going to say 'invasive'. Even with the right tools, a person making a Heal check with that kind of Difficulty Class is just as likely to kill a patient as they are to successfully remove the pellet. Without the right tools...” Dave shuddered.

  “I have lock picks in my bag,” said Tim. “You can use those if you need them.”

  “Me?”

  “You're the only one of us who put any ranks into the Heal skill. You're Cooper's best chance.”

  “I don't have that many ranks,” said Dave. “Did I not adequately explain how bad it could go for Cooper if I fail?”

  Tim pointed at Koestner's gory remains. “We just saw how bad it will go for him if you don't try.”

  Cooper cleared his throat. “If I may weigh in, I've had all the fingers I want up my ass today.”

  “But Cooper,” said Julian. “You're going to die!”

  Cooper looked down at him. “We're all going to die. When my time comes, I don't want my last sensation to be that of Dave fingering my asshole.”

  Dave's eyes lit up. “There may be another way!”

  “I'll take it!” said Cooper excitedly. Then he eyed Dave warily. “Hang on. Does this other way involve your dick?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, cool. What's the plan?”

  Dave lifted up his sack of belladonna sprigs. “Eat as many of these berries as you can stuff down your pie hole.”

  “Jesus Christ,” said Tim. “You are the worst healer in the history of this game. He's not turning into a fucking werewolf. He has a salad monster egg up his ass.”

  “I'm aware of that.”

  “I'm glad we're on the same page. Are you also aware that not killing Cooper is one of our objectives here?”

  “He'll be fine. It's just like you said before about alchemists having to refine the berries for their medicinal properties. The same goes for concentrating them into a lethal dose of poison. As they grow in the wild, they won't kill him. They'll just give him a severe case of the shits.”

  That all sounded reasonable to Tim, but one thing bothered him. “If you knew all that about belladonna, why didn't you say anything about it when Cooper ate them before?”

  Dave shrugged. “I wanted to go home.”

  “Asshole.” Tim looked at Cooper. “Okay, start stuffing your face I guess.”

  “And clench your cheeks,” added Dave. “Resist letting go as long as you can. Remember, you're trying to build up as much pressure as possible to dislodge the egg.” He paused and stroked his beard. “When you go, you're probably going to shit like a fire hose. Would you mind standing by the mouth of the cavern and pointing your ass that way?”

  Julian shook his head. “You've really got it in for poor Potato. Killing a baby in front of him and celebrating his suicide wasn't enough. Now you want to shower their remains in explosive diarrhea?”

  “I was thinking about us. What if we have trouble climbing out of the hole and have to spend the night in here? Cooper smells bad enough as it is.”

  Julian sighed. “Fine.”

  The choice between potentially poisoning himself and having Dave dig around in his rectum wasn't much of a choice for Cooper at all. He'd been munching on belladonna berries the entire time Dave and Julian were arguing, putting a whole sprig in his mouth and filtering off the berries with his teeth when he pulled it back out.

  When they decided where he should shit, he didn't miss a beat. He grabbed his belladonna sack, waddled ass-clenchingly to the mouth of the cavern, got down on his knees, and continued eating the whole time. His ass pointed outward like the Guns of Navarone.

  “This is going to be epic,” Cooper said through a purple-toothed grin. He winced in pain, then gobbled up another sprig's worth of berries.

  “Hold on as long as you can,” said Dave.

  Julian turned around, so as to avoid the coming literal shit show. “I'm amazed he's held on this long.”

  There's nothing here for his Charisma score to fuck up,” said Tim. “If we were talking to a princess right now, or applying for a bank loan or something, he'd have shit himself eight times already. If I had to guess, I'd say th
is is more of a Constitution check to see how long he can maintain control of his sphincter.”

  Cooper set the sack aside and cradled his head on the floor. “Oh sweet Jesus.” He paused to wince and catch his breath. “I've got something epic brewing. I kind of wish we could video this.”

  Tim didn't want to say it out loud, but he'd been thinking the same thing.

  A webbed red hand with black claws gripped the edge of the floor behind Cooper.

  “Cooper!” cried Tim. “Behind you!”

  “A... few... more... seconds.”

  The salad monster's other hand appeared to the right of Cooper. This one held the horrible baby salad. It was injured, but still alive. The hand released the child, then sought a more solid grip on the floor.

  “It wasn't a suicide after all!” said Julian. “It was a rescue mission. There must have been a ledge down there or something.”

  Tim grabbed Dave's arm and pulled him toward the saladling. “Heal that horrible thing as a show of goodwill.”

  Cooper looked up from his arms. “What the fuck are you guys talking –” He caught sight of the slimy pulsating blob of gore and claws next to him.

  “Glorbp,” said the baby salad monster. It was either its first word, or just a burp.

  “JESUS!” cried Cooper as his arm sprang back like a mouse trap, sending the baby sailing back out into the open air.

  Potato's head emerged above Cooper's ass just in time to witness its adopted child re-murdered.

  “SKWAAAARRRLLLB!” His froggy eyes bulging furiously, he opened his mouth wide and bit down hard on Cooper's exposed ass cheeks.

  “Fuck!” cried Cooper, already racked with pain. Ironically, after the initial sting, Cooper's face lightened with relief. He closed his eyes and let out a long sigh.

  Potato's slitted pupils turned round as his cheeks began to expand.

  Julian covered his mouth. “Is what I think is happening actually happening?”

  “Cooper's getting his ass eaten out by a giant frog, and he's really enjoying it?” said Dave.

  “That's equally horrifying, but not what I had in mind.”

  Potato's face inflated like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon, looking like it was about to burst. Tim, unable to look away, shielded his face from what he feared might be an explosion of frog brains and half-orc shit. But instead of exploding, Potato vanished. He just popped right out of existence like a murdered magical horse.