by Robert Bevan
“If he moves, do that again.”
The horse gave a small whinny of understanding.
“That reminds me,” said Cooper. “What the fuck ever happened to Ravenus?”
“I left him behind to go for help.” Julian helped Cooper to his feet, then ran to the door. “I had a bad feeling about this from the beginning.” He pushed on the door, then shook his head. “No good. It won't budge.”
Still fatigued from his Barbarian Rage, Cooper took a few deep breaths and mentally focused on what he was best at. “Get out of the way.”
Julian looked back at him, shrugged, and stepped to the side. “I guess it couldn't hurt to try.”
With a solid running start, Cooper charged at the door, slamming into it with his right shoulder. Sharp pain shot down his arm all the way to his hand.
The noise of the collision was immense, much more so than it should have been. But still, the door refused to budge.
Cooper summed up his disappointment and pain in one word. “Fuck.”
“That was really loud,” said Julian.
Cooper sat on the floor and rubbed his shoulder. “I'm really sorry to have disturbed your goofy-ass giant elf ears.”
“No, I was just thinking that we might be able to get someone's attention on the other side.” Julian started banging on the door. He had a good point. It was making a lot more noise than his delicate elf fist should have been capable of.
Cooper reasoned that his larger half-orc fist would make even more noise. He took over pounding on the door while Julian hunched over and peeked through the keyhole.
“Ravenus! Help!”
Cooper stopped knocking. “Can you see him?”
Julian shook his head. “I can't see anything. I was just hoping he might be able to hear me.”
“Should we keep knocking?”
“Either that or try to think of another way out of here.”
“Fuck that,” said Cooper. “My brain still hurts from Kristanya's mind fuck. How about you think and I'll keep knocking?”
Julian sighed and nodded.
Cooper resumed banging on the door. “Ravenus! Ravenus! RAVEN–”
“Stop!” cried Julian. “You're saying it wrong. He only speaks Elven. He won't understand what you're saying unless you speak with a British accent.”
“Sorry, I don't speak Elven. I'm not wasting a skill point to learn how to talk to a fucking bird.”
“Surely it can't be that hard to learn one word in a foreign language. Repeat after me, syllable by syllable. Ray.”
“Ray,” Cooper repeated.
“Ven.”
“Ven”
“Us.”
“Us.”
Julian smiled. “Not bad. Now put it all together.”
Cooper did his best to say the bird's name with the exact pronunciation Julian had just demonstrated for him. “Ravenus.”
Julian made a face like Cooper had just rubbed his balls on it.
“What?”
“If anything, you sound more American, like you're the living embodiment of a stubborn refusal to adopt universal healthcare and the metric system.”
“Your mother,” was the only retort which sprang to Cooper's mind.
Julian sighed. “We're just not getting out of here without that key.”
“That is correct,” said Kristanya.
Cooper's heart skipped a beat as he turned around. Kristanya was back on her throne, her tail bandaged with clean white cloth where Cooper had bitten it. She smiled at Cooper and Julian like they were a couple of altar boys in her rectory.
“The key is safely out of your reach. You can beat on that door all you like. No one on the other side will hear you.”
“It's loud as fuck on this side,” said Cooper.
“I designed it that way.” Kristanya rose from her throne and began walking slowly toward them. “You see, my charms occasionally fail to work on certain types of individuals.”
“Queers?” Cooper guessed, earning him a harsh glare from Julian. “What?”
“They prefer to be called LGBT.”
“Dude. I'm fucking illiterate. You're going to give me shit about my spelling?”
“I know not of these Eljee-beety of whom you speak,” said Kristanya. “I was referring to elves. For whatever reason, they are more challenging to lure.”
“Darwinism,” said Julian.
Kristanya stopped walking. “I beg your pardon?”
“Elves have crazy long life spans, right? It would make sense, then, that to maintain a stable population, we would be hardwired to think about procreation less frequently, lest our numbers explode.”
Kristanya thought about what Julian said, and she seemed to give just as much of a shit about it as Cooper did. “Whatever the reason, listening to their agony as their hope of escape slips away serves as an appetizer before they finally change their minds and submit to me.”
“So you're going to keep casting Charm spells on me until one finally works? Cooper was right. That does sound desperate.”
“What kind of demon do you take me for?” Kristanya frowned innocently. “Magic grows tiresome, and the suffering lasts only but a moment. That's why elves are my favorite, Julian. I'll get to prolong your suffering. Once all your friends are gone, you'll go mad with hunger and loneliness until you beg me to end it. Then I'll continue to wait until I don't think you'll survive another day. Alternatively, you may just die. Sometimes I misjudge how much life a man has left in him.”
Cooper shook his head. “It takes a special kind of twisted bitch to get bored with the humdrum routine of conventional rape and murder.”
“You surprised me, Cooper. Half-orcs, with their weak minds, are rarely able to resist my charms.”
“Um... thank you?”
“I thought about giving you the same treatment as Julian, but my quasits need to be fed.”
“I understand.”
Kristanya looked over to where Dave was lying unconscious with his dick in his hand, like he passed out drunk while watching porn. “Speaking of pets, I see you've Polymorphed your bird into a horse.”
“Yes,” Julian lied. “It's, um... a game we like to play.”
Kristanya pouted at Julian. “And here I thought you did it just for me.”
“What benefit would you get by me turning Ravenus into –” Julian's face went even paler than usual. “No.”
Kristanya grinned at Julian, her red eyes flaring brightly again. They had an understanding that Cooper couldn't figure out. Then she turned her attention toward the horse and extended her hand, beckoning it to her.
“Come here, pretty bird.”
The horse took a step toward her.
“Stay where you are,” demanded Julian.
Kristanya wiggled her fingers at the horse. It ignored the shit out of Julian's order and stayed its course. Its impossibly huge horse dong grew and extended from its body, and Cooper suddenly had an idea of what was about to go down. A succubus, on a goddamn horse. Fucking epic.
“This isn't happening,” said Julian.
Cooper rested a hand on Julian's shoulder. “Oh, it's happening alright.”
A whirlwind of questions raced through Cooper's mind. How was it going to work? Would she just take the end in her mouth and stroke the shaft? Would she take it down like a sword swallower? How big of a load does a horse shoot? Quarts? Could she swallow that much in one gulp? If she could blow a horse, could she blow an elephant? What about a whale? Those fuckers' dicks were ten feet long. How might he go about building an aquarium?
“Lie down,” Kristanya instructed the horse. The horse obeyed, getting down on its belly, rolling over onto its back, then spreading its legs. Its meat harpoon waved back and forth like an uncertain compass needle.
“Nope,” said Julian. “This isn't happening.” He snapped his fingers and the horse disappeared. Kristanya's open mouth welcomed empty air.
“Dude!” cried Cooper. “What the fuck?”
“I
'm sorry. I didn't want to watch that.”
“Then turn the other way! I don't want to watch The Bachelor, but I don't come over to your house and turn off your fucking TV, do I?”
“What are you talking about? I don't even watch The Bachelor!” He looked at Kristanya. “Seriously, I've never sat through a full episode. In fact, I don't watch any reality –”
“Silence!” Kristanya was furious, as well she should be. You just don't take the horse cock out of a woman's mouth and expect her to be cool about it. “It's time you learned some respect.”
“Respect is earned,” said Julian. “And it has to be mutual.”
Cooper wasn't sure where Julian was going with this half-assed dad lecture. He was confident that a woman who blows horses in front of dudes for attention wasn't too bothered with 'respect' as Julian was defining it.
Kristanya narrowed her glowing eyes at Julian. “We'll see how defiant you are after you meet some of my pets.” With that, she blinked her eyes and disappeared.
“What did she call her pets?” asked Cooper. “Quibbits or something? How big do you think one of those are? Honestly, at this point, anything smaller than a horse is going to be a disappointment.”
Julian headed toward the bed. “Hopefully, we won't have to find out. I've got one more idea. Come on.”
“Does this involve us pretending to be gay? I'm not sure I can play it convincingly, and I don't know that it would put her off. In fact, if she were to catch us making out in her bed, I think she might actually be –”
“Please,” said Julian. “Just, stop.”
“Fuck you, dude. I'm not any more thrilled about it than you are.”
“I'm not suggesting we start making out on the bed. I was thinking we might find something here to pick the lock with.”
“That's a good idea.” Cooper thought for a moment while Julian inspected the bed where Cooper had ripped off the bedpost. “If picking the lock doesn't work, though, should we try the gay thing as a Hail Mary pass?”
“I don't want to make that decision until I absolutely have to.”
“What if we got Tim and Dave to make out instead. We could tell them Kristanya would be really into it.”
Julian paused and rubbed his chin. “I think I could commit to that. As an absolute last resort, of course.”
“Of course,” Cooper reassured him, pretending that he wouldn't have done it just for fun.
“Will you get over here and help me?” Julian was trying to further damage the bed where Cooper had gotten it started. “There are a few chunks of wood too big to fit in the keyhole, and some splinters not substantial enough to work with.
Cooper got a firm grip on the footboard, and they managed to rip the entire front off the bed.
Tim rolled down the mattress and opened his eyes. “Cooper! Wait! Don't –”
One more solid punch to the face put Tim back in dreamland, where he wouldn't be a danger to himself or others.
Cooper picked up Tim's unconscious body. “Get the pillow.”
Julian grabbed the pillow off the bed, gave it a good fluff, then looked closely at a tear in the seam. “Is this stuffed with people's hair?” He sighed. “What am I saying? Of course it is.”
He set the pillow on the floor, and Cooper laid Tim gently down on it.
Something in the wreckage of the bed caught Julian's attention. He picked up a small wooden peg and held it up to Cooper. “What do you think of this?”
Cooper shrugged. “It looks like Tim's dick?”
“Exactly,” said Julian. “It's just about the same size as that key.”
“Sweet!”
Julian and Cooper rushed back to the door. Julian inserted the makeshift dick key into the door's vag hole.
“It's a tight fit, but I can just about squeeze it in.”
Cooper snorted. “Said no one ever to Dave's mom.”
Julian shoved the peg in as far as it would go, but there was no click. He sighed. “I guess we're back to square one.”
“Maybe not,” said Cooper. “You can't just shove it in there and expect it to open on your first try. Wiggle it around. Pull it in and out. Finesse it a little.”
“I'm trying to pick a lock, not bring a door to orgasm.”
Cooper nudged Julian aside. “Let me give it a try.” He removed the peg, spit in his hand, then rubbed the peg in his spit. With his thumb and index finger, he stroked the peg up and down, making sure to get it lubed up nice and evenly.
He inserted the peg gently at first, then eased it out and shoved it back in a little more forcefully. “Do you like that?”
“Maybe you should buy the door dinner first,” said Julian.
“Maybe you should go fuck yourself. I'm doing my best.” Cooper jiggled and twisted the key every way he could, then started ramming it harder in. “Come on, door. Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy? Who's your – FUCK!”
“JESUS!” cried Julian as searing pain tore into Cooper's shoulder and ass cheek.
“What the fuck is that?” Cooper felt like he had a rabid monkey on his back, which was somehow biting his shoulder while simultaneously stabbing his ass.
“I don't know! It's like Kristanya's Mini-Me.”
“Well get it the fuck off my back!” Cooper punched at the creature, but was unable to get enough reach to hurt it or drive it away.
Julian pulled out whatever had pierced Cooper's ass. Cooper felt the tiny monkey hands and feet scramble to maintain their grip on him, and the wind of frantically flapping wings.
Finally, the creature released its hold on his shoulder and screamed like a lizard-cat that just got its tail stepped on.
Turning around, Cooper found Julian biting hard on the tail of something that did indeed look like a miniature version of Kristanya, except that it was blue, bald, male, and only about a foot and a half tall, not counting the tail, which was about as long.
The tiny demon grabbed Julian's long elf ears and attempted to bite him in the face, but Cooper grabbed it by the throat and pulled it off.
“Let go of me!” the tiny winged shithead croaked.
Cooper slammed its horned head into the wall. With a satisfying crunch, the creature's flapping wings and flailing arms, legs, and tail all went limp. He flung its lifeless body to the ground.
A slow clap came from across the chamber. Kristanya sat on her bone throne, her red eyes glowing smugly.
“Well done, gentlemen. You might have handled him better if he hadn't caught you by surprise. I suggest staying alert for the next round.”
“Next round?” said Julian.
Kristanya smiled. “Of course. A single quasit is no match for two strapping young men such as yourselves. I always do a trial run so that I can make an informed decision on how many to throw at you for the real fight. Taking into account various factors, such as your size, ability to fight as a team, and what I know about my quasits, I believe ten will provide optimal entertainment value for me.”
Cooper considered it. He and Julian might be able to take out ten of those things, but they'd come out of it in a world of hurt. His ass cheek pulsed with pain where the little fucker had stabbed him with its tail.
“Then again,” Kristanya continued. “Cooper appears to have gotten stung. Depending on how severely the quasit venom affects his celerity, my calculations may be way off.” She shrugged. “I suppose we'll soon find out.” With a blink of the eyes, she was gone again.
Cooper bent over and lifted the back of his loincloth. “I hate to ask you to do this, but I need you to suck out the poison.”
“It's venom,” said Julian. “And absolutely not.”
“Quit fucking around, man. This is serious!”
Julian turned away. “If it was a matter of life or death, then I might consider sucking on your ass, but –”
“Fuck life and death! She said my celery stick is going to fall off.”
“What? No she didn't.” Julian paused to think, then looked at Cooper. “She said your celerity w
ould be affected.”
“What the fuck is celerity?”
“It's like how fast you move. Maybe the venom affects your Dexterity score or something.”
Cooper let his loincloth down and stood straight. “Oh. That's preferable to having your lips on my ass.”
“Agreed. Now lets –”
“OW!” Cooper cried as something hard hit him on the side of the head. A wooden chunk of broken bed frame clattered on the floor next to him.
“Asshole!” said Tim, standing next to the bed, arm cocked back with another piece ready to throw.
“Dude, that hurt.”
“Well how do you think it feels to keep getting punched in the goddamn face every time I wake up?”
“That was for your own good.”
“He was trying to save your life,” Julian said to Tim. “We needed to keep you from getting yourself killed while we tried to pick the lock and get out of here.”
Tim snorted blood out of his nose. “You were trying to pick a lock? He rubbed his chin in an exaggerated thoughtful manner. “If only we had a fucking rogue in the party.”
“Kristanya has you under some kind of Charm spell. We didn't think you'd agree to help us escape.”
Tim came closer. “Asking nicely will get you a lot farther than face punching.” He gently tossed Cooper the chunk of wood he'd been threatening to throw at him.
Cooper raised his hand to catch it, but caught only a fistful of air as the wood hit him in the head. “Ow.”
“Nice catch, shitface.”
“Shit,” said Cooper, looking at his hands. “My senility, my salami, my –”
Tim looked at Julian. “What the fuck is he talking about?”
“His celerity. He got stung in the ass by a mini-demon. The venom is affecting his Dexterity score.”
“Well then we'd best grab Dave and get the fuck out of here, wouldn't you say?”
Julian smiled. “So you'll help us pick the lock?”
“Fuck that. Why pick a lock when you can just use the key.” Tim reached into his pocket and pulled out Kristanya's silver dick key.
Julian's mouth and eyes went wide. “How did you... When...?