by Robert Bevan
“This way, gentlemen.” Ula walked up the rickety front porch steps of what looked to have once been a beautiful mansion, but had fallen into decades of disrepair. As soon as she set foot on the top step, the large wooden doors opened slowly, seemingly of their own accord.
“Jesus!” said Cooper, expressing what Tim was barely able to keep from saying out loud himself. Just on the other side of the door stood a grotesquely deformed elderly man to greet them.
His good eye was brown, and as large as the patch covering his other eye. It was also slightly higher on his head. His ears were large and pointed, but not like an elf's. Instead of being long and slender, like Julian's, they were wide like a pig's, poking out sideways. Calling him human might have been generous, but he was certainly no elf.
Tim glanced up at Ravenus, perched on Julian's shoulder. Sure enough, he was staring open-beaked at that freakishly big eye.
The old man smiled at his guests, showing off his three yellow teeth poking out of swollen gums. Not wanting to be rude, Tim's gaze fell to the man's hands, each of which had an extra thumb, because of course they did.
“Be not alarmed, little halfling,” said Ula.”This is my brother, Matthias.”
They looked to be at least eight generations apart. Tim was genuinely curious about how their mom had popped out a second kid at the age of three hundred and eight, but he was already in deep enough shit from the obviously horrified expression on his face.
“I wasn't alarmed,” said Tim. “Quite the contrary, in fact. I was admiring...” Tim searched for something to credibly finish that sentence with. “...his ring!” He might have oversold his excitement, but at least the ring looked interesting enough to sell the story. The ring itself, like its owner, looked old and tarnished. But it was adorned with three shiny pearls the size of Peanut M&M’s. One orange, one white, and one blue.
“Do you like it?” wheezed Matthias. “It's one of my own inventions.”
“You invented the ring?” asked Tim. He guessed it was plausible. Motherfucker certainly looked old enough. Hell, for all Tim knew, this guy could have invented the circle.
“Matthias is very clever,” said Ula. “This self-opening door is another one of his inventions.” She certainly had a lot of praise for someone she was about to murder.
Matthias pointed at a small blob of shit between Cooper's feet.
“Um...” said Cooper. “That was already there.”
“There's a panel under the top step!” Matthias shouted. It wasn't an angry shout. It was more like he thought everyone else was as deaf as he was.
Cooper frowned. “Do you want me to get that for you? Or...”
“It triggers the door!”
“Oooooh,” said Tim, Dave, and Julian. They clapped politely, pretending to be impressed at his Walmart technology.
Ula stepped inside and gestured for Tim and his friends to follow. “Come in and meet my other brothers.”
Tim dared not look at Julian as he got the creeping feeling that they might be making a huge mistake. “How many brothers do you have?”
“Four, including Matthias. They'll be thrilled to finally meet you.”
What the hell did that mean? Tim could practically feel Julian's accusatory stare stabbing him in the back of the head. “Were they expecting – Holy fucking shit.”
What was once a living room was now a storage pit for broken furniture, dust, and spider webs. Standing in the middle were three of the most horribly disfigured human beings Tim had ever seen.
“This is Dunder,” said Ula, gesturing at the monstrosity on the left. “Say hello, Dunder.”
“Yaaaaaaa,” said Dunder, dressed only in a filthy blood-smeared leather butcher's apron. His jaw appeared to be immobile, leaving his mouth permanently open, consequently leaving him unable to form consonants. Having failed to say the word, he settled for waving the two baby arms sprouting out of his right shoulder.
Ula nodded, then turned her attention to the next freak. “This is Figg.”
Figg was a squat blob of a man. He was naked, but his skin was completely covered with long grizzled white hair, like fur made out of old man pubes.
“He–lloooo,” said a gravelly voice that Tim could only assume was Figg's. The long pube fur hung down over his mouth, making it impossible to tell for sure that he was the one talking.
“And this,” Ula walked over and placed a gentle hand on the bare shoulder of the monstrosity on the right, “is Momo.”
“MOMO!” said Momo, looking up at Tim with wild milky eyes. Thick black chains attached his wrists to his ankles, severely limiting his movement and no doubt causing the enormous hunch in his back. He held a large iron ball attached to a chain that ran through a ring on his wrist and ankle chains, then up to an iron collar around his neck. His legs were about the size of Dave's, but his torso and arms were bigger than Cooper's when he was in Barbarian Rage mode.
Ula rested a hand on his massive bald head. “Say hello to our guests, Momo.”
“MOMO!”
“Bad Momo.” She slapped him on the head, then squeezed his cheeks together with each syllable as she said, “Hello.”
“MOMO!”
She slapped him again. “No! Hello.”
“MOMO!”
Ula clenched her hands and pounded Momo on the head with both fists. “HELLO! HELLO! HELLO! BAD, STUPID MOMO! HELLO!”
Momo banged on the floor with his iron ball, denting the old but surprisingly sturdy wood. “MOMO! MOMO! MOMO!”
As her other brothers stood by indifferently, and Tim and his friends stood by dumbstruck and terrified, Ula screamed as she jumped onto Momo's back, then sank her teeth into the back of his head as her fists rained down on top of it.
“What the fuck is going on?” asked Cooper, scratching his balls. “Are we back in Mississippi?”
Tim wondered if this was how she planned to murder all of her brothers.
Eventually, Ula’s punches grew weaker. The energy it took to try to bite through her brother’s skull was only maintainable for so long. She slid off his hunched back and composed herself. Her hair was wild, her face soaked with sweat, her mouth dripping with Momo's blood, and her left tit had fallen out the top of her dress.
“You'll have to forgive Momo.” She cupped her right hand over the side of her mouth and tapped her left temple. “He's not right in the head.”
“Mooomooo,” Momo groaned sadly, swaying on his squat legs.
“Oh dear,” said Julian suddenly. “I've just remembered that today is my niece's birthday party.”
“Birthday party?” said Ula.
“You have a niece?” said Cooper. Dave nudged him.
Julian frowned, looking at his wrist. “We're already late. I'm afraid we'll have to take a rain check.”
Cooper scratched his balls more aggressively. “May I use the restroom first?” Tim now had doubts as to if whatever was going on under Cooper's loincloth was indeed ball-scratching.
“No!” said Tim. “We're late for Jennifer's birthday party. We need to leave right now.”
“Fine.” Cooper sulked as he removed his hand from under his loincloth.
Tim turned back toward the front doors, which were still wide open. Matthias's frail disfigured silhouette was a blemish in the sunlight.
“I'm afraid we cannot allow you to leave,” said Matthias, stepping on random parts of the floor with his left foot. He finally stopped when the doors slammed shut behind him. He narrowed his eye at them and added, “ever.” It would have been more dramatic if he'd had a better sense of exactly where the door trigger on the floor was.
“Stand down, old man!” Julian wasn't normally one to make threats, being a scrawny elf. But Tim had to admit he could hear the Charisma bonus to his Intimidation check in his voice.
Matthias's giant eye blinked. “You don't want to threaten me, lad.”
“Why the fuck not?”
Damn, Julian. Breaking out the f-bombs.
“Because this!”
T
im shook his head. Because this? Dude really needed to work on his one-liners.
Matthias lifted his eye patch, setting free his other, normal-sized eye. It shot out of his head toward Tim and his friends, trailed by yards and yards of optic nerve.
“JESUS!” cried Tim, too grossed out to jump out of the way as it wrapped around their legs, arms, and necks.
“What the hell is this?” said Dave. “Get it off me! Get it off me!”
Matthias lowered his eye patch and laughed at them.
“Yaayaaaayaya,” Dunder joined in the laughter, clapping his baby hands together excitedly.
Figg's whole body jiggled, causing ripples in his pube fur.
“MOMO!” said Momo excitedly, pounding the floor with his iron ball.
Cooper struggled against their bindings, jostling Tim around like a rag doll tied to his back. “This is so fucking gross.”
“Calm yourselves, new friends,” said Matthias once the laughter subsided. “It's only rope. I spruced it up with a bit of illusory magic. I'm an inventor, you see.”
“Yes,” said Julian. “You mentioned that.”
The illusion faded, and the rope looked like ordinary, non-nervy rope. It was still binding them all together, but Tim felt like he might be able to free a hand with a little effort.
“Tut tut,” said Ula, looking down at Tim. She pinched a pin on the back of Momo's collar. “Please don't make me loosen Momo's chains. He makes such a mess.”
“MOMO!” said Momo.
Tim stopped struggling.
Ula smiled at him, then looked up at Matthias. “Let's hurry this along, shall we?”
Matthias plucked the blue pearl from his ring and rolled it like a tiny bowling ball toward Tim and his friends.
Matthias's giant eye squinted into the cavity in his ring where the blue pearl had been mounted. “Oh yes, that's right.” He looked up and grinned at Tim. “Sleep.”
Blue smoke flowed out of the orb. It smelled sweet and intoxicating.
“Cooper!” Tim shouted, ready to risk Momo's wrath in order to avoid being asleep and vulnerable to these crazy assholes. “Use your Barbarian Rage!”
“I'm... really...” Cooper yawned. “...ang...” The snore and fart that followed were not encouraging.
The smoke stung Tim's eyes, forcing them shut. But it was oddly soothing to his lungs as he breathed it in.
This isn't so bad. What was I so worried about? Where does worrying ever get you anyway? Bartender, can I have another shot of...
*
Tim woke up, sober and with a massive headache. It wasn't the first time, and he knew the cure. It was in a flask in his vest pocket. Unfortunately, he found he was unable to move his arms.
“The fuck?” he said as he struggled to move.
Though he didn't like the idea of opening his eyes to a new day without a bit of liquid motivation, he felt it prudent to assess his unusual situation before acting upon it.
Opening his eyes, he discovered that he was held down by thick leather straps. Julian, Dave, and Cooper were likewise strapped to wooden tables, and still sound asleep. Ravenus lay asleep in a rusty iron birdcage hanging from a hook above Cooper's table.
Judging by the musty air, the upward leading stairs outside the arched entryway to the room, and the faint evening light seeping in through the small barred windows near the ceiling, Tim guessed they were in some kind of dungeon.
Against the wall opposite the one their tables were lined up against stood a small cage, about the size of two phone booths, with thick iron bars and what Tim appraised from a distance to be a pretty high-end lock. Even with quality tools, he would likely have a hard time picking it.
Fortunately, the cage was empty and all Tim had to deal with was a leather restraint. With a bit of effort, and help from his high Dexterity score and the ranks he'd put into Escape Artist skill, he managed to coax the end of the strap backward through the buckle with the tips of his fingers. His right arm finally free, he dug his hip flask out from the inside pocket of his vest. He needed a clear head in order to get some real thinking done.
A few gulps of stonepiss did the job nicely, and Tim's situation didn't seem quite as grim as it had a moment before. He began to formulate a plan which wasn't much more complicated than getting everyone else awake and untied, then getting the fuck out of this place. It seemed like an obvious and simplistic plan for Tim's high Intelligence score, but anything more complicated would likely be screwed up by his dumbshit friends. He was swallowing back another gulp of stonepiss when he heard footsteps approaching outside the wooden door opposite the stairs. He tucked his hand back through the loosened leather strap, turned his head away from the door, and pretended to still be asleep.
“The first hour draws near,” said Ula's voice after the door opened. “Which of them do you prefer?”
“I've given it some thought,” said Matthias, far louder than necessary. “My power is in my mind. The halfling would suit me fine. I could make use of his nimble fingers.”
Tim opened his eyes. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? He supposed that, on the surface, it was better than if he'd expressed interest in his tiny halfling asshole, but at least then there wouldn't be the added layer of ambiguity.
“Perhaps you'd consider the elf?” said Ula.
Tim was about to breathe a sigh of relief when Julian's eyes popped open. He had apparently also been faking sleep. Tim shook his head gently. If Ula and Matthias thought everyone else was asleep, there was a chance they might let slip a secret that could later be used against them. Julian closed his eyes again and pretended to sleep.
“The elf, you say?” Matthias's tone sounded like he suspected some ulterior motive. “Interesting.”
“It's just that Momo is so rough and unpredictable. I thought we'd give the halfling to him.”
“The fuck you will!” Tim opened his eyes wide. Being raped to death by Momo was where he drew the line.
Ula smiled at him, wearing nothing but a thin green semi-translucent robe, hanging open at the front and leaving very little to the imagination. She may have been batshit insane, but titties were titties.
“You're finally awake. I imagine you're very confused right now.”
Tim stared unashamedly at her nipples, visible through the robe. “I was.”
Matthias hobbled over to Julian's table and began to drag it to the other side of the room. He was old, and the wheels screamed their thirst for oil, so it was kind of slow going. Tim noticed that the orange pearl was now missing from Matthias's ring, leaving only the white one.
“What are you doing with me?” asked Julian, no longer feigning sleep. “Tim! Help!”
Tim thought back to what Matthias had said about making use of his nimble fingers. If all he wanted was a handjob, it might be worth letting Julian just go through with it to avoid risking all their lives. He would wait to free his other hand.
Tim glared at Ula, his gaze struggling to stay on her face. “This isn't what we signed up for.”
“Of course it is,” said Ula.
“Like fuck it is.” He looked at Matthias. “She hired us to kill you and your brothers. Or at least to watch her do it. Now that I think back on it, it should have raised some red flags.”
Ula smiled. “I hired you to take my brothers' lives, which is precisely what you're about to do. You see, I wish to bear a child.”
“I don't understand what you're talking about,” said Tim. “But it just got a whole lot creepier just the same.”
“The Wilmotts have not bred outside our own family for nine generations. Do you know what that makes us?”
“Republicans?”
Cooper laughed through his nose, then tried unconvincingly to pass it off as a snore.
“Pure!” said Ula. “Purer than the gods themselves. And so they punished us with disfigurement and ailments of the mind. Still, our house maintained its purity of name and blood, continuing to share our love before their spiteful eyes. And do you know wha
t they did then?”
Tim shrugged. “Threw up?”
“They made me barren!”
“I'm so sorry to hear that,” said Julian. “But what does that have to do with us?” It was probably for the best that he took over. Tim couldn't fake giving a shit about this woman's problems.
“Matthias here has discovered a way in which we can maintain our family's purity and beat the gods at their own petty game.”
“I don't mean to nitpick, but you haven't actually answered my question.”
Matthias left Julian's table next to the cage and limped excitedly back toward the wooden door. He looked positively giddy.
Ula smiled at her much much older brother, then down at Julian. “Your question will be answered very shortly.”
Matthias rushed back out of the room carrying what looked like an old-fashioned perfume bottle with a tube and bulb atomizer. Before reaching Julian, he made an unexpected turn into the cage and closed the door behind him.
Ula strutted to the cage, pulled a steel key out from the pocket of her robe, and inserted it into the cell door’s keyhole. The unmistakable sound of a clicking lock did little to reassure Tim that one of their problems had inexplicably just up and decided to solve itself.
She slipped the key back into her pocket, then accepted the perfume bottle as Matthias handed it to her through the bars.
Matthias turned his attention to Julian, still strapped to his table and looking terrified. He bent over so that their faces were right next to each other. Julian winced. It was anybody’s guess as to when that old fucker had last brushed his three teeth.
Ula stretched her arms out to hold the perfume bottle between their faces, then gave the bulb at the end of the tube a small squeeze. A small cloud of purple mist sprayed out of the bottle, which Matthias breathed in deeply, then promptly collapsed to the floor.
“Ha ha!” cried Julian. “I did it!”
While Tim wondered what the hell Julian was so excited about, Ula set the bottle between Julian’s legs, unfastened his left arm restraint, and strode back to the wooden door which she and her brother had recently entered through. Placing her hand on the door handle, she turned back to Julian.