by Robert Bevan
The rain of arrows shifted almost exclusively to Cooper as he ran for the nearest goblin-occupied tree. He got hit at least four or five times that Julian could see, but he hardly seemed to notice as he jumped to grab two of the lower branches and pull himself up.
Arrows still fired at him from other trees, but the rain falling straight down stopped as the goblin ambushers scrambled to higher branches.
Dave leveled Tim's crossbow up at a different tree and pulled the trigger. One more goblin dropped down with a bolt in its throat. If that hadn't killed him, landing on his head from that high up certainly finished the job.
Julian rooted through his bag, searching frantically for a scroll he could use. He tossed a Ventriloquism scroll aside, seeing no immediately obvious use for it. Then a Mount scroll. No need to slaughter any more horses just yet. He tossed a Glitterdust scroll into the beginning of a 'Maybe' pile, then chided himself for not organizing his scrolls better.
Finally, he found a Web scroll. He hated to use up a Level 2 scroll on a bunch of goblins. They were so expensive and time-consuming to produce.
Two arrow fletchings suddenly appeared on his horse's back, and Julian felt a searing pain in his right upper arm.
“Son of a –” The rest of his scrolls fell to the ground as a third arrow struck his horse. It vanished like a popped soap bubble. Julian looked up to find the tree where it had come from. “Fuck it.” He read the incantation on the scroll. “Web!”
Globs of sticky white fluid sprayed out of his fingertips, like each of his fingers was Spiderman's dick, until the arrows stopped flying and goblins squirmed in what looked like a god's money shot on Mother Nature.
Goblin screams rained down from Cooper's tree, as did the occasional goblin, as Cooper climbed further up after the last few stragglers.
“YAAAAAAA!” cried Tim. He'd been hit in the leg. Hell of a thing to wake up to. He bolted upright and looked at his leg. “Holy shit!”
Dave turned to the direction the arrow had come from, aimed Tim's crossbow, and plugged another goblin. “Calm down,” he said to Tim.
“Don't tell me to calm down! Who the fuck are –”
Dave punched Tim in the face. That must have been satisfying. He looked like he’d wanted to do that all day.
Julian grabbed a bow and a quiver of arrows from one of the fallen goblins. It was small, like wielding a toy, but proved effective in helping Dave weed out the few remaining attackers who hadn't yet died or bailed.
With a loud crack, an equally loud “FUCK!”, and five or six goblin screams, the top third of Cooper's tree snapped off and came crashing to the ground.
The stillness of the night following the crash was once again broken by a prolonged fart as Cooper's Barbarian Rage subsided. “I'm okay.”
“What are those things?” said Tim, rubbing the bridge of his nose where Dave had punched him and looking horrified at the dead goblin nearest him on the ground.
Dave looked down at the goblin and grimaced. “I'm not sure. Warts? Boils? Maybe scars from a rough puberty?”
“Guys,” said Julian. “Help me take out the ones in the web.” Dave set Tim's crossbow down in front of Tim and grabbed a goblin bow. He and Julian shot every squirming lump of web until there was no more movement in the tree.
Dave looked back at Tim, who still hadn't touched the crossbow. “Thanks for the help.”
Tim stared at Dave, his eyes wide with terror. “W-w-what the hell is going on here?”
“Dude, relax. You just woke up and you're freaking out a little.”
“Stop telling me to relax! I've got a goddamn arrow in my leg!”
Dave rolled his eyes. “Geez Louise, like that's the first time that's ever happened.” He plucked the arrow out of Tim's leg.
“OW!” cried Tim. “Mother fu–”
Dave clapped his hand over Tim's mouth. “Keep your voice down. I heal thee.”
Tim's eyes rolled up, and his head swayed loose from Dave's grip.
“Whoa. That feels amazing. What did you...” His eyes became alert again as he felt his leg where the arrow had struck him. “It's healed! How did you – Jesus Christ!” Tim pointed at Cooper emerging from the fallen tree. “There's another one! Shoot it! Shoot it!”
“Hey, fuck you,” said Cooper.
Julian squatted down in front of an increasingly terrified Tim. “Are you okay?”
“Where am I?” said Tim. “How did I get here? Who are you people? Shit! Who am I?” He looked down at his feet. “Why are my feet so hairy?” He looked at his hand, then felt his face. “What the fuck am I?”
Dave closed his eyes and sighed through his nose. “Those sons of bitches.”
“Who?” asked Julian.
“The pixies. That arrow they hit Tim with did more than put him to sleep. It erased his memory.”
Julian thought about it. It seemed plausible, but not so obvious as to be the only possibility. “How do you know? Maybe he lost his memory when you punched him in the face.”
“No.” Dave turned to Tim. “Sorry about that, by the way.”
Tim stared back at him, petrified and speechless.
“They told us to find the Fairyfire Gem, but then they just let us go. They knew we'd have to come back.”
“If that was the case, then why wouldn't they tell us about the memory loss from the beginning?” Julian knew the answer as soon as he finished the question.
“Because they're dicks,” said Dave.
“Shit,” said Cooper. Tim crawled away from Cooper and cowered behind Dave.
Julian smiled at Tim. “There's nothing to be afraid of. That's just Cooper.”
“He's been your best friend since first grade,” said Dave.
Tim backed away from all of them. “None of this makes any sense. You people aren't human. It's like I'm in a world I don't belong in.”
“You're not wrong,” said Julian. “You're from Mississippi.”
A glint of recognition shone in Tim's eyes. “Mississippi,” he said slowly to himself. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. “You said something about... the Pixies?”
“Yes!” Julian was more excited than was probably appropriate that Tim's memory might be brought back via his favorite band.
“Who are they?”
“The Pixies are an alternative rock band from Massachusetts.”
“Massachusetts.”
Julian tried to jog his memory a little more with some of their better-known songs. “Debaser, Here Comes Your Man, Where Is My Mind?”
“Dude,” said Cooper. “I don't think –”
“Shut up!” said Julian. “It's coming back to him.”
Tim opened his eyes. “And this alternative rock band from Massachusetts… they erased my memory?”
Julian sighed. “No. That was done by actual pixies, as in the mythological fairy creatures.”
“You see, that's the part I don't get. You even describe them as 'mythological creatures', and yet you claim we've had real physical interaction with them. That doesn't make any sense.”
“I know this is a lot to take in right now, but you have to trust us. We were all playing a fantasy game, and the Game Master made us roll these magical dice. Like, for real magical. Next thing we knew, we were inside the fantasy game, in the bodies of our fantasy characters. We've been trying to figure out a way to get back to the real world ever since.”
“So hang on.” Tim ran his fingers through his hair and massaged his scalp. “Let me see if I've got this straight.” He looked up at Julian. “What you're saying is... I'm a fucking nerd?”
Dave frowned. “Is that really the most difficult part of this for you to believe?”
“Of course it is,” said Tim. “The rest of it is all here in my face. I'm obviously not in my own body. The arrow that hit me hurt like a son of a bitch, so that rules out dreaming. This guy's got those long ass ears, and that guy's a fucking monster. And you! You healed my arrow wound with some kind of magical sorcery shit. If this is a
hoax, then fucking bravo. You got me.”
“Actually,” said Julian. “Dave healed you with clerical magic. I'm the sorcerer.” He cast a small Prestidigitation spell as a demonstration and created the illusion of a glowing solar system above his head, with planets revolving around the central sun and moons orbiting planets. It was pretty impressive.
“Holy shit!” said Tim in wide-eyed fascination. “That's incredible!”
“Thank you.”
Tim pursed his lips. “Except you've got Jupiter and Saturn in the wrong order, and Uranus has too many moons and horizontal rings.”
Cooper snorted. “Somebody needs to learn how to wipe.”
“You guys have magic. The big guy's obviously some kind of warrior type. What about me? Do I have any special powers?”
Julian and Dave exchanged a glance, then looked back at Tim.
“You're sneaky,” said Julian.
“Sneaky?”
“Yeah. Really quiet, and you can hide really well.”
“My fantasy power is being good at Hide-and-Seek?”
“It's more useful than you might –”
“Hey!” shouted Tim, his attention suddenly focused elsewhere. He jogged and waved his arms. “Go away! Shoo!”
Ravenus had his beak in a goblin's ocular cavity. He jerked his head up and slurped back the optic nerve as Tim got close. “I'm sorry. Were you going to eat that?”
Tim froze in his tracks. “Holy shit! I can talk to animals!” He got down on one knee. “Hello, bird. What's your name?”
Ravenus ruffled his feathers. Julian could sense his annoyance. “You know I can't understand you when you talk like that.”
Tim looked back at Julian. “What's it talking about?”
“This is Ravenus, my familiar. He can only speak the Elven tongue.”
“It sounded like English to me.”
“In game terms, it's English with a British accent.”
“So he doesn't understand American English?”
“Correct.”
Tim thought for a moment. “Seriously?”
Julian nodded.
“That sounds... I don't know, what's the word? Dumb?”
“It is what it is,” said Dave. “We need to decide what we're going to do about tonight. If we head back to the pixie meadow now, we might make it back there around midnight, but sleeping in a meadow might be more comfortable and less dangerous than sleeping in this goblin-infested forest. On the other hand, if we set up camp right here, Julian could prepare his spells and summon up some more horses, so we wouldn't have to walk.”
“I vote we walk back there now,” said Julian. “Who knows what we'll have to face in the Cave of Secrets? If we sleep in the meadow, I can prepare my spells there in the morning and we won't have to waste any of them on Mount spells.”
Nobody wanted to walk anymore, but everyone agreed it was the wiser decision. The trek back to the meadow took about four times as long as the journey from it had taken. Not only were they forced to walk from lack of horses, but they were forced to walk at the speed of Dave, which sucked.
Fortunately, the journey was uneventful, and they made it back to the meadow exhausted, but alive.
“At least I can get my helmet back,” said Dave when they reached the hole. “I hope Cooper's fart has dissipated by now.” He lowered himself into the hole, holding some clumps of grass at the edge, then let himself slide down the remaining two feet. “Not too bad.” He picked up his helmet. “Cooper, could you give me a hand?”
“How about a refill instead?” Cooper squatted next to the hole and let rip a fart that quieted the nearby frogs and crickets.
Tim's jaw dropped. “Why would you do that?”
“I have a low Charisma score. It gives me gas.”
“That wasn't just gas, asshole!” said Dave, wiping specks of shit off his face. He angrily shoved his helmet back on.
Tim put his hands on his hips and glared at Cooper. “Your Charisma score didn't force you to shart on your friend. That was a purely mean-spirited act, and you should apologize right now.”
Dave stopped coughing on fart and stared quizzically up out of the hole.
Cooper stuck out his lower lip, turned around, and lowered his hand down to Dave. “Sorry, Dave.”
While Cooper was helping Dave out of the hole, Julian looked up at the stars. “Should be a clear night. Anyone want to take watch while I prepare my spells?”
Cooper yawned. “I'm pretty beat from tearing that tree down.”
“I'll do it,” said Dave.
“Uh-uh,” said Tim. “You get your rest. You've had a long day.” He smiled. “Besides, I had a nap earlier.”
Dave's lips quivered like he was trying to remember how to make words. “Thank you,” he finally said.
When Cooper and Dave started snoring, Tim looked at Julian.
“Are you sure you wouldn't like to get a little sleep before you work on your spells or whatever?”
“Elves don't sleep,” said Julian. “But I need to meditate for four hours in order to ready my mind.”
“Neat,” said Tim. “Well don't let me keep you.”
Julian sat cross-legged on the ground, hands on his knees. As his mind began to clear, he heard Tim whistling. He couldn’t make out a tune. It was like Tim was whistling just for the sheer joy of whistlinng.
Four hours later, he came out of his trance with his mind feeling nice and refreshed. He looked around. The first hint of light in the eastern sky revealed the silhouettes of the trees. Dave and Cooper were still sleeping. Ravenus was still nestled under his serape. Tim was sitting on the ground, his back to Julian, fiddling with something that Julian couldn't see.
“Everything go okay?” asked Julian.
“Huh?” Tim shoved whatever he was fooling with into his backpack, then turned around to face Julian. “Oh yeah, no problems at all. Has it been four hours already?”
Julian nodded. “So what did you do?”
Tim shrugged. “Nothing much. Stared up at the stars mostly, thinking about what kind of constellations the people around here might recognize. That sort of thing.”
“Oh, okay. You should probably get some sleep now. We don't know what we're going to have to face in the morning.”
Tim lay on the grass with his head on his backpack. “Goodnight.”
When Tim started snoring, Julian was really tempted to see what was inside Tim's backpack. He resisted the urge, as it was a clear breach of trust. But he kept coming back to Tim's suspicious behavior. Alone, in the dark, his recently cleared mind began to fill with imaginary scenarios. What if that arrow did more than put him to sleep and erase his memory? What if it was some kind of mind control?
Julian forced himself to focus on preparing his mind to wield the coming day's allotment of spells. Tim couldn't do any harm while he was asleep. The others would wake up before him. He could tell them what he saw and discuss how to handle it while Tim was still sleeping.
It was a long wait, but finally, Cooper yawned and scratched his balls. He and Dave stood, stretched, and trudged over to the hole. Dave took a piss and Cooper squatted down for a dump.
Julian turned away, but couldn't shield his sensitive elf ears to the sound.
PLOOOOP
It sounded a lot more substantial than the previous night's shart.
“Jesus,” said Dave. “I'm glad I wasn't down there for that one.”
When Cooper and Dave had finished their business, Julian beckoned them over.
“What's going on?” asked Dave.
“Something weird is going on with Tim,” Julian whispered.
“Aside from the memory loss thing?”
“When I came out of my trance last night, he was sitting with his back to me. I couldn't see what he was doing, but he was definitely doing something. When I spoke to him, he shoved something into his bag really quickly, like he didn't want me to see it.”
“He was whacking it to a titty mag,” said Cooper. “Give him s
ome fucking privacy.”
“There aren't any titty mags in this world.”
Cooper scratched his armpit. “That's true. Now I'm suspicious.”
Julian looked at Dave. “You're the wise one. What do you think?”
“I don't know. Could be something. Could be nothing.”
“Whoa,” said Cooper. “That is some Confucius level shit right there.”
Dave gave Cooper the finger. “I've got to go pray for my spells. Keep an eye on Tim until I get back.”
The wait was excruciating. Cooper whiled the hour away watching Ravenus tear into his kills from yesterday. Julian watched Tim, sleeping like a child without a worry in the world.
When Dave returned from his prayer, he, Julian, and Cooper decided that it would be best to wait until Tim woke up and confront him honestly about the situation. It wasn't that they didn't trust him. It was more a matter of that they didn't know the degree to which his mind had been messed with.
They were all staring at him when he finally woke up.
“Good morning,” said Tim, squinting up at them. “What's up?”
“Tim,” said Julian. “I hate to have to ask you this, but I saw you shove something into your bag last night, and we need to know what it is.” He braced himself for a big Fuck you and stood ready to jump out of the way if Tim decided to try and pee on him as a response instead.
“It was meant to be a surprise.” Tim opened his backpack. “I wanted to wait until everyone was awake.” He pulled out a wreath of brightly-colored wildflowers woven together by the stems. “It's a friendship necklace.” He offered it to Julian.
Julian felt like a complete dick as he slipped Tim's gift over his head. “Thank you.”
Tim handed friendship necklaces to Dave and Cooper as well.
“This is beautiful,” said Dave, donning his gift.
Tim put on the necklace he'd made for himself. “I really appreciate you guys coming all the way back here just for me. I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble.”
Dave wiped a tear from his eye and hugged Tim. “It's no trouble at all. Thank you.”
Tim hugged him back. “Thank you for saving my life yesterday.”
“Jesus,” said Cooper, holding his necklace out like he'd just pulled it out of a clogged toilet. “We need to get that Fairyfucker Gem right now.”