by Robert Bevan
Honestly, the bees were less painful than listening to this.
“YOUR HEART IS PURE, YOUR MIND IS WISE. GO FORTH NOW AND CLAIM YOUR PRIZE.”
“What a bunch of horseshit,” said Julian. “I hope those pixies appreciate this thing.” He walked up the steps before the dais.
The Fairyfire gem was about as big around as a baseball. Its radiance was nearly blinding up close. Julian reached out and felt for any sign of heat, but there was no appreciable change in temperature when his hand got close to it. He tapped it quickly with one finger, then held his finger on it. It felt like glass, neither hot nor cold nor shooting lightning bolts.
Satisfied that it wasn't dangerous to touch, Julian grabbed it. When he pulled it toward him, he was surprised to feel resistance.
CLICK
TWANG
SMASH
BUUUUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Instead of being one solid block of milky white glass, the dais was actually composed of thin sheets, hollow on the inside. Hollow, that was, except for the million gazillion goddamn bees that flew out of its shattered remains.
Startled, he dropped the Fairyfire gem, lost his balance, and fell forward off the stairs. He hugged Ravenus close to his chest and braced himself to hit the stone floor littered with shards of broken glass. He was pleasantly surprised to land on something soft and crunchy instead. It was pleasant, at least, until he remembered that he was at the epicenter of a hellswarm of bees.
He flailed his arms and legs wildly, hoping that he'd fend off enough so that his friends could kill the rest before he got stung to death. But the more he flailed, the more he soaked himself in some kind of sticky sweet fluid.
Whatever he'd landed on wasn't just soft and crunchy. It was also really sticky.
“Julian!” cried Tim, Dave, and Cooper. What the hell did they want? Could they not see that he was busy right now?
“What?” he shouted back at them.
“You're in the hives!” said Tim.
Judging by the clear full sentence Tim had just uttered, Julian guessed that the rest of them were relatively safe from the bee attack. Julian, on the other hand, was the one destroying their home, and the one receiving the full wrath of the swarm.
His body was burning with the pricks of thousands of stingers. He wasn't going to survive this for long.
“Horse!” he cried, then spat out three or four bees.
It must be disconcerting enough to be suddenly called into existence out of the ether under the best of circumstances. In the middle of a swarm of pissed-off bees was not the best of circumstances, and the horse reacted appropriately, bucking, screaming, stomping, and doing considerably more damage to the hive than Julian was. So much so, in fact, that Julian was able to open his eyes and rifle through his bag.
He teased out a scroll. Mage Hand. He tried to toss it away, but it was stuck to his hands with honey. No time to try to salvage it. He wiped it from his hand on a chunk of hive and went for another scroll. Ventriloquism. Shit! Two ruined Magic Missiles later, he found what he was looking for.
“Web!” he shouted.
Sticky white fluid sprayed out of his fingers in every direction, engulfing the last twenty feet of the Cave of Secrets in strands of what looked like magical jizz.
The buzzing stopped as every bee in the swarm was caught in the dripping fibers of Julian's splooge web.
His horse didn't appear to share the same relief that Julian felt. It bucked and kicked even harder, not being able to rationalize that immobility was preferable to being stung to death by bees.
“Julian?” called Cooper. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I cast a Web spell.” Julian’s face was so swollen that he sounded like he was talking with a mouthful of marshmallows.
“Oh, sweet. I thought you might have exploded, and this is what the inside of an elf looks like.”
“Can one of you guys light this on fire?”
“I beg your pardon, sir?” said Ravenus, peeking out from Julian's serape.
“Just stay under my serape. You'll be fine.”
“I'm not so worried about me, sir. I mean, I am, but I'm more concerned about you. You're aware that fire is very dangerous, are you not?”
From their inaction, Julian sensed his friends were similarly concerned, so he answered Ravenus loudly enough for everyone to be able to hear. “It'll just be a flash of flame, consuming the web quickly, and hopefully killing all of the bees. I've got enough Hit Points to survive it.”
“It's going to hurt,” said Dave.
“I've got a protective honey coating. Hurry up before the spell duration runs out.”
Julian heard the clink and scrape of flint and steel and started to second-guess the wisdom of asking to be set on fire. Then came the crackle of ignited web, then the woosh of spreading flame. Exploding bees sounded like microwave popcorn. Finally, he felt the warmth of the flame rushing his way. It washed over him in a wave of intense heat. It hurt quite a bit, like being boiled in glue, but it also kind of scratched that bee sting itch.
Tim rushed over, his steps marked by crunching charred bees. “Julian! Are you okay?”
“Dave,” Julian croaked out through his parched throat.
“I've got you, buddy.” Dave placed a finger on Julian's forehead.
“Ow,” said Julian.
“I heal thee!”
Julian must have looked like shit because Dave used up one of his good spells. Even the itching from the bee stings was gone. The fire must have burnt the venom out of his skin.
Dave and Cooper helped Julian to his feet.
“Do you have the Fairyfire gem?” asked Dave.
Julian looked down at all the broken glass. “I dropped it. I don't think it was a gem at all. It was hooked to something that shattered the dais when I pulled it.”
“This whole cave felt like kind of a sham,” said Dave. “The riddles were stupid, and they didn't have any right answers. Whatever choice we made, it all just led to us getting attacked by bees.”
Cooper scratched the welts on his ass. “As far as dungeon traps go, those kind of sucked. I mean, it wasn't fun getting stung by a bunch of bees, but any asshole with a beekeeper's outfit could have gone in and swiped the Fairyfire gem any time they wanted.”
“How are living bees even sustainable for a dungeon trap?” asked Tim. “I mean, how long can bees survive in a jar?”
Stifled giggling came from above.
“Hey!” said Tim, pointing his crossbow up at the cave ceiling. “Who's up there?”
Julian put his hand on Tim's crossbow and forced it down. “Those are the pixies.” He glared up at the ceiling. “Have you been with us this whole time?”
The stifled giggling turned into open laughter.
“How could they be... so stupid?”
“The little one's face... when he opened the jar!”
“Or the fat one, when he fell into the shit pit!”
Julian folded his arms. “This was all a big prank? We could have been seriously hurt.”
“We may have overdone it with the bees there at the end.” The disembodied pixie voice giggled. “But the looks on your faces!”
“You should apologize to Zingo,” said Cricket.
“Fuck Zingo,” said Cooper. “Why should we apologize to any of you?”
“Zingo worked very hard on those riddles. You hurt his –” Cricket gasped. “Oh, dear gods, what's that?”
Dave looked up. “What's wrong with –”
A gush of clear sparkly slime washed over his face.
“My water broke!” cried Cricket. “It's happening!”
“But you're not due for another two weeks,” said one of the male pixies.
Cricket was breathing heavily. “Do you want to argue with them?”
“Hurry!” said another one of the males. “We must get her to the birthing pool at once!”
Julian felt a small gust of wind as if the pixies all flew by at once.
“H
ey!” he called after them. “What about Tim's memory?” He ran after them, back through the illusory door. It was pitch dark, and the air was abuzz with the sound of bees. But at least they sounded a little more chill than they had been before.
He felt around on the floor for a shard of broken jar, but he found one of the wooden stoppers. Even better. “Light.”
The stopper glowed, illuminating the cave, and Julian resumed his chase.
“Fuckin' bees!” said Cooper a moment later as he followed after Julian with Tim hot on his heels. Dave's armor clanked distantly behind them.
Julian opened his serape as he ran. “Ravenus, I need you to look for a nearby pool of water. When you find it, circle overhead.”
Ravenus nodded. “Very good, sir. Can do!”
Julian made a running leap over the shit pit, ran up the stairs and out of the Cave of Secrets, then set Ravenus free. “Hurry!”
As Ravenus flapped off in search of the birthing pool, Cooper and Tim raced up the stairs.
“Fuck!” cried Dave from down inside the Cave of Secrets.
A few moments later, Dave trudged up the stairs, his entire front caked in a fresh layer of shit.
Cooper snorted. “Been going down on your mom again, Dave?”
Tim glared up at him, holding up a flower on his necklace.
“Sorry, Dave,” Cooper said with a sigh. “That was an unkind thing to say.”
Tim nodded, then turned his attention to Dave. “Are you okay?”
Dave scraped some shit off his face. “I got Cricket's amniotic fluid in my eyes. My vision is all blurry and glittery. I was following you guys mostly by sound, and I didn't see the shit pit.”
Tim smiled at Dave. “Don't you worry. As soon as we get my memory back, we'll head back to town and get you all cleaned up.”
“Thanks, man. I appreciate that.”
A loud caw sounded from about quarter of a mile southeast.
“It's Ravenus!” said Julian. “I think he found them.” He ran off in the direction of his familiar's call.
The land sloped down a little steeply, so Julian went from tree to tree, breaking his momentum so that he didn't lose control.
He spotted the pool before he thought to look up for Ravenus. Cricket and her three manfriends were visible. Cricket lay at the edge of a pool of crystal-clear water, her wings flat against the ground and her feet resting in forked twigs.
“I know you're busy right now,” said Julian once he reached the pool. “But you had your fun with us, and my friend needs his memory back.”
“Yes, yes,” Zingo snapped back at him. “We'll get to that in a moment!”
“I'm sorry,” Julian explained. “I don't mean to be rude about this, but we don't have a lot of reason to trust you. You've done nothing but lie to us and play juvenile –”
“SHII–III–I–II–IIIT!” Dave's extended cry was interrupted by bumps and roots as he barreled down the side of the hill like Donkey Kong had just thrown him.
Julian did his best Mario impression by jumping out of the way as Dave rolled past and splashed into the pool, which immediately started turning brown.
The pixies all gasped.
“You clumsy, dimwitted oaf!” cried Cricket. “Do you know what you've done?”
Dave crawled out of the pool. Chunks of shit slid off his armor and into the water. “I'm okay. Thanks for asking.”
“You stupid, filthy brute!”
“Now wait just a minute!” said Tim, stopping himself just short of falling into the pool of murky shitwater. “That's my friend you're talking to.”
“Your friend just ruined my birthing pool!”
“This isn't his fault. He only chased you down here because he was trying to get my memory, which you stole from me. That's what friends do.” He held a flower on his necklace and looked at Dave. “Right, buddy?”
Dave found one of the flowers on his necklace with the least amount of shit on it. “That's right.”
Cricket's lower lip quivered, and glittery tears streamed down her cheeks. “If my babies aren't cleaned immediately in the purest spring water, their wings won't develop properly, and they'll never be able to fly.”
Dave placed his right hand in the pool. “I purify thee.”
The water turned clear instantaneously. Even Dave's hand was shiny clean where it had been submerged in the water. The distinct line separating cleanliness from filth on his wrist was remarkable.
“Whoa!” said Tim, his eyes and mouth wide open in amazement at Dave's crappy Zero-Level spell.
Dave gave him a wide grin and a shiny clean thumbs up.
Cricket groaned loudly and pounded the earth with her tiny pixie fists. “They're coming!”
Julian didn't know the proper etiquette for witnessing a stranger give birth. He didn't want to gawk, but neither did he want to appear disinterested. He sat down on the ground and settled for casually looking in that general direction. Cooper sat next to him, openly gawking.
Dave let Cricket squeeze a finger on his clean hand while her manfriends talked her through the process.
Tim put a hand on Julian and Cooper's shoulders. “It's beautiful, isn't it?”
Cooper grimaced. “It looks pretty fucking gross from where I'm sitting.”
After a few moments of tense silence, save for Cricket's groans and heavy breathing, a cry rang out in the still forest air. It sounded like a cross between a human child and a cicada.
Tim ran around the pool to get a look at the baby. Julian walked after him.
Zingo cradled the screaming child in his arms.
“Let me see!” said Tim. “Let me see!”
Rocking it gently back and forth, Zingo turned around. Julian's heart nearly stopped when he saw the thing. It was a green slime-covered caterpillar, about the size of a banana. It had a hundred or more little grabby legs, round black eyes like a shark, and a mouth like a collection of animated garden tools.
“It's...” He stopped himself, knowing that even with his Charisma bonus and ranks in the Bluff skill, calling this thing adorable was going to be a hard sell. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
“Too early to tell,” said Zingo. “That's not determinable until after metamorphosis.”
“Can I hold it?” asked Tim excitedly.
“Of course you can.” Zingo handed the massive grub over to Tim. “In fact, why don't you do the honors and cleanse it in the pool?”
“That is an honor.” Tim took a knee next to the pool, dunked the pixie baby under the water, then pulled it back out. It was now free of slime, but no less horrifying to look at.
“Next one!” cried Cricket. She squeezed Dave's finger as Poppin stood ready to assist with delivery.
By the time she finally let herself rest, Cricket had squeezed out four healthy, screaming larvae.
Ravenus peeked out from under Julian's serape. “What's all this noise?” He sniffed the air. “Ooh, what's that smell?”
Julian frowned. “Afterbirth?”
“Delicious! Oh look, grubs!” Ravenus started to climb out, but Julian sensed his sudden hunger at the sight of Cricket's newborn children. He grabbed Ravenus around the beak and shoved him back down under his serape.
“Sorry, Ravenus. Not this time.”
Cricket was sitting up against a tree trunk, gazing down lovingly at the little monstrosity she'd just given birth to, cradled in her arms. She looked up at Bingbong Fizzbang and nodded.
Bingbong flew over to their small pile of belongings, picked up a silver hip flask which was comically large for him, yet a little small compared to what Tim normally carried. He brought it over to Tim.
“This is for you.”
Tim smiled. “Thank you, sir. But I think it's a little early in the day for that.”
Dave choked back a sob as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
Tim looked at Dave. “Hey, man. What's wrong?”
Dave sniffled and held up a flower from his friendship necklace. “I'm gonna miss you.”
“This is a potion that will restore your memory,” Bingbong explained. “We appreciate you and your friends' assistance in the birth of our children.”
Tim shifted the baby he was holding to one arm and accepted the potion. “Well they're just beautiful. Congratulations. I'm deeply honored to have been a part of it.” He raised the flask. “To the miracle of life!” He tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and gulped down the contents greedily.
When it was done, Tim breathed out a long sigh and opened his eyes.
“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT IS THIS THING?” He pushed the baby away from him. It splashed down into the birthing pool.
Bingbong gasped, then dove down to retrieve it.
“Tim!” said Dave. “That's their baby!”
“Well how the fuck was I supposed to know that? What the hell am I supposed to think when I wake up to some locust-faced maggot monster staring back at me?” He looked around. “Hang on a sec. How long have I been out? Why are we still hanging around with these fucking bug people?” He looked at Dave. “Why are you covered in shit?” He looked at Julian, Cooper, then down at himself. “What's with the flowers? Are we at a fucking luau?” He yanked off his friendship necklace and tossed it into the birthing pool.
From the look on Dave's face, one might think Tim had just yanked out his heart.
“We should be on our way now,” said Julian before the pixies decided to wipe all their memories, or just outright murder them.
When they reached the clearing, Julian noticed Dave staring despondently at the wildflowers.
“You okay?”
“Oh yeah, sure,” said Dave. He had neither the Charisma nor the ranks in Bluff to sell the lie. “Totally fine. I was just thinking about how gross that birth was, right?”
Julian nodded. “It was unusual, that's for sure.”
“What's the matter, Dave?” said Cooper. “It's not like you've never seen giant maggots crawling out of your mom's cooch before.”
“Ha!” said Tim. “Nice one, Coop.”
Dave's sad eyes looked even sadder.
Cooper picked up Tim and put him up on his shoulders. “It's good to have you back, man. I missed you.”
Tim shook his head as they passed the levitating stump over Dave's treasure hole. “God, I need a fucking drink.”