by Sarah Price
“Caleb and Drusilla!”
Esther emerged from the dark, still pinning her apron around her waist.
“I got this, Maem,” Drusilla said, uncertain why she still whispered.
“Nee, Drusilla, I am awake, too. You will not do this alone.” Her mother immediately took charge of the kitchen, starting some coffee for the men who would arise shortly to take care of the morning chores.
Caleb went over to the propane heater and fiddled with it until an orange flame emerged and some warm heat began to infiltrate the room. “There,” he said as he stood up and joined the two women. “You should feel a difference in no time.” With a quick glance at the clock, Caleb started toward the door. When he reached for his coat and hat, Drusilla almost asked what he intended to do. As if anticipating her question, he said, “I best start the chores, ja? Amos will surely be in deep thought as he prays for his maem.”
She watched as he opened the door and disappeared into the darkness outside. For a few long seconds, she stood there and looked after him, knowing that a more conscientious man was probably hard to find.
“Drusilla, come,” Esther said, interrupting her thoughts “Let’s prepare the breakfast, shall we? It’s best to keep busy in such times. Besides, it’s been a while since we talked a spell.”
For a long time, they worked in silence. Esther peeled potatoes which Drusilla quickly chopped to make a large breakfast casserole. With the oven warming and the propane heater operating, Caleb’s prediction that the room would soon heat up proved true. Outside the window, the sky began to change from pitch black to a lighter shade of dark.
“It’s sad to lose Mammi Ana,” Esther sighed, breaking the silence at last. “Her time was done here, I reckon. God called her home according to His plan, not ours.”
Drusilla nodded her head, focusing on chopping another potato.
“It’s funny how that works, ja?” Esther waited until Drusilla looked up.
“How what works, Maem?”
“God’s plans.” Esther gave a soft shrug of her shoulders when she responded. “Mammi Ana’s stroke. Your marriage. Anna’s colic.” She paused as if looking for the proper words to speak next. “And my spell of sadness.”
Drusilla caught her breath. “Oh.”
“Ja, you know what I am talking about, Dochder. Something wasn’t right after Anna was born. I knew it almost immediately. I felt a dark cloud over my head, its pressure smothering me. There was no light, no joy in that boppli. When her colic began, the pressure seemed to push me directly into the earth and I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t do much of anything, Drusilla.”
“What happened to change that?”
Esther smiled. “I heard you talking to your daed one night. You were sitting out here and getting ready to fix supper. Daed was angry that I wasn’t helping, I recall. But I was tired. Too tired to continue. I heard you tell Daed what you thought and that I needed to see a doctor. A few days later, Daed did come talk to me and he told me to get back to my responsibilities. He didn’t want me feeling sorry for myself but he didn’t want me seeing those Englische doctors.”
Drusilla didn’t understand how any of that had helped her mother. But she remained quiet, listening to her mother without interruption.
“When I realized how much despair I felt and how I took no interest in anything, including my own boppli, I knew that I needed help. It wasn’t just a matter of set your mind to something and fix it, that’s for sure and certain. So I went to a doctor on my own.”
At this announcement, Drusilla gasped. “Without Daed knowing?”
Esther nodded her head. “Ja, without your daed’s permission…or knowledge.”
Drusilla could hardly believe her ears. “And what happened?”
Opening the cabinet that was closest to the sink, Esther reached up for something tucked behind some plates on the third shelf. What she withdrew was an orange canister with a white top. She handed it to Drusilla. “The doctor gave me this medicine to take.”
With wide eyes, Drusilla stared at it before handing it back. “And you keep it in here? Aren’t you worried that Daed might find it?”
Esther laughed. It was a nice sound, one that Drusilla had not heard much for that past year. “Oh Drusilla! Didn’t you hear your daed the other day when he was talking with Caleb? Your daed isn’t one to spend much time in the kitchen, and certainly not fishing around cabinets for things.”
Drusilla glanced at the orange bottle as her mother slipped it back into its hiding place. It wasn’t like her mother to defy Amos in such a manner. She wondered why her mother had done so to begin with. But she could not deny the remarkable change in her mother. Surely those pills much have made her feel better and Drusilla couldn’t fault her mother for wanting that.
“I’m telling you this, Drusilla,” her mother said at last, “so that you know our husbands are human and, as such, they are prone to mistakes, too. The only perfect person that ever walked this earth is Jesus. All of us make mistakes or poor decisions at times. Trust your instinct and don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone if you disagree with your husband. Just do it with respect, not malice or in a way that could publicly humiliate him.”
She knew what her mother meant. Her uncle Jake had humiliated Barbara the other day at Thanksgiving when he admitted his problems for everyone to hear. While Barbara did her best to change the subject, her comment about the bishop rebuking a few of them had also created tension between husband and wife. It was a poor display of how a solid relationship was supposed to operate. Drusilla only could hope and pray that Jake behaved himself today at the funeral service of his mother. She didn’t want to see the family further upset over words spoken without thought behind them.
During the funeral service, Jacob sat in the front, his three sons by his side and his four daughters seated behind him. They had traveled from different counties (and one from New York) to be there. But Jacob insisted that he wanted to be left alone and wouldn’t talk to any of them. He didn’t greet the people as he couldn’t bring himself to talk with anyone. Instead, he stared ahead, his blank expression devoid of emotion.
The service itself was very similar to a regular worship service with the exception being that everyone faced the front of the room and the bishop provided one sermon while standing before the simple pine coffin where Mammi Ana rested. His sermon focused on the importance of doing God’s will while living a physical life on earth in order to gain access to the heavenly kingdom of God.
Drusilla could barely focus on the words; her eyes kept wandering to the coffin where Ana ’s body lay. It was almost impossible for her to believe that, inside that small pine box was her grandmother. The top was hinged so that the lower portion was shut, covering her from her waist down. The part of the funeral that Drusilla dreaded the most was when the family lead the line of people passed the coffin, pausing for one final look at the deceased. When the line ended, the bishop would shut the upper portion of the cover and latch it. Only briefly would he open the coffin for the immediate family to say goodbye at the cemetery.
Jacob’s shoulders seemed to sink lower and lower as the service continued. Drusilla saw it right away, even though she was seated in the third row of benches. For a moment, she wondered if he had actually fallen asleep. But when she saw one of his daughters hand tap him on the shoulder and hand him a tissue, she knew the truth: he had been crying.
Beside her, Caleb nudged her leg.
Startled, she looked up and realized that everyone had gotten on their knees to pray. She had been watching her grandfather and hadn’t moved. Quickly, she turned around and knelt by the bench, folding her hands and pressing them against her forehead as she prayed. She suspected that Jacob had not done the same and she wondered if the bishop would speak to him later about what could be viewed as insolent behavior. Given the circumstances, she doubted it, although she knew some church districts were ruled by very strict bishops.
After all, Dawdi Jacob was an
old man.
And then it hit her. In the next few years, Jacob would join Ana in heaven. But she would be in Ohio. By the time she learned of his death and arrangements could be made, chances were that she would not be able to attend his funeral.
While she would prefer to never attend a funeral again in her life, she knew the stark reality was that death followed life just as God planned night to follow day. Nothing could change that order of things. But to realize that she would have to miss it? Or any other funerals from the many church district families who she had grown up with.
For once, she began to question Caleb’s determination to move to Ohio. Mayhaps her mother had been correct that wives had to sometimes step up and question a husband’s decision, especially if there were so many negative ramifications from making it.
Chapter Five
“Drusilla,” Caleb said, his voice sounding much more serious than usual. “We need to have a talk.”
Surprised, Drusilla looked at him and frowned. “What’s wrong, Caleb? Has something happened?”
They were getting dressed for the day. Two weeks had passed since Mammi Ana’s funeral. Between visits from people to express their condolences and the upcoming holiday season, days and weeks seemed to blend together in such a way that time passed at a much faster rate than usual. Now, it was Sunday and, after chores, they would get ready for worship service. It would be a busy day that would end with Caleb bidding her goodbye until the next weekend.
“Ja, vell,” Caleb began, “it’s what hasn’t happened that’s the problem. Your daed and I were supposed to talk about Ohio after Thanksgiving. Then, with your grossmammi’s death, I couldn’t rightly press your daed for a time. But here we sit, six weeks into our marriage, and without a place to live come spring.”
She gave a little laugh. “I hardly think we are homeless, Caleb.”
“I don’t want to lose this Ohio property and have to travel again for a good three or four weeks.”
When he stopped talking and looked at her, she knew that he meant she would not be able to accompany him. The thought of having to separate for such a long period of time was unsettling. She, too, was eager to begin their lives together. She rather liked waking up with Caleb and, on the days that he returned home and she was left alone, she found herself longing for his presence. On the weekends, even if he was outside working or running an errand for her father, Drusilla liked knowing that he was coming back to her that day.
“We could always stay with our parents,” she suggested.
He gave her a look, one that said he did not want to live with his family.
“Is that such a bad idea, Caleb?”
He walked over to where she sat on the side of the bed and knelt before her. For a long moment, he held her hands and his eyes focused on them. When he finally lifted his head and met her questioning gaze, he gave her a small smile. “A newlywed couple, Drusilla, needs time alone. We have a lot to discover about each other. I want to have that time to be with you, just you.”
“You are with me, just me,” she said in a soft voice. “At night and in the morning, like right now.”
Gently, he squeezed her hands. “Ja, right now we are alone. But as soon as we walk out of that bedroom door, we are not. A man wants to have his own place to provide for his wife and family. Living with others,” he paused again. “I feel like I’m not providing. I want my own farm, Drusilla, for you and our kinner and their kinner.”
She blushed at the mention of children.
“Plus, a man’s got to work. I don’t see me being an employed farmer in Lancaster.”
“Your father needs your help,” she pointed out to him. “We are not unemployed.”
Caleb took a deep breath. “Drusilla, you know what I mean. He has other sons to think about. And we cannot be dependent on others.”
She understood what he meant. It was not Caleb’s way to take away what was intended for others. If he stayed and continued working on his father’s farm, the money to support his future family would negatively impact his brothers’ ability to provide for their future families. With younger siblings still growing up in the family’s house, the older siblings were expected to start their own lives when they married. Not all young married couples could do that and there was no shame in the couple living with one of their parents for a year or two. However, Caleb was not one to do that when he did have opportunities such as what presented itself to him in Ohio.
“Reckon I should talk to Amos again,” Caleb said as he stood up. With two quick motions, he pulled his suspenders up and over his shoulders. “Told the Ohio people we’d let them know by December and, here it is…December.”
“Almost mid-December,” Drusilla pointed out.
“Almost mid-December, indeed,” he repeated as he sat down next to her. Quickly, he slipped his feet into his boots and bent over to lace them. “I can’t go back on my word, Drusilla. That’s akin to lying in my book. But I sure do want your daed’s input. “ One boot finished. “It’s important to me that I know he supports our decision.”
“What would you do if he said no?” she asked, speaking out loud the question that had lingered in her mind for a while. The constant delays in her father scheduling time to talk with Caleb about this matter were understandable. Still, she had a worry that her father might have been stalling for another reason: he didn’t want them to go to Ohio.
With the second boot finished, Caleb rested his elbows on his knees and looked over at her. “I always wanted to be a farmer, Drusilla, but I won’t go against the wishes of my bride’s family.” He stood up and walked toward the door. He pulled it open and hesitated, his back turned toward her. She watched him as he stood there, contemplating something. “There’s always the hardware store, I reckon,” he said with no enthusiasm in his voice.
“Oh Caleb…”
But he did not linger for further discussion. Instead, he slipped past the door and gently shut it behind him so that Drusilla could finish getting dressed in private.
After the Sunday worship service, Drusilla approached Naomi while she was washing dishes between fellowship meals. She had caught sight of Caleb and Amos walking outside after the after-meal prayer, their heads bent together as if deep in conversation. Based on Caleb's remarks earlier that morning, she suspected she knew what the topic was focused: Ohio. She took that opportunity to seek out her cousin so that they could visit for a while during the second seating.
With the days shorter and the air colder, Naomi hadn’t visited the Riehls’ farm since Ana’s death. In fact, Drusilla had only seen her once and that had been when she returned two large Tupperware containers to her aunt Barbara. Naomi, however, had been in the barn working with her father and only had time to spare a quick wave and forced smile.
Drusilla wondered about that all week.
Today, Naomi had arrived late to worship service. She appeared distracted and unkept, her hair not properly combed and her black prayer kapp askew on her head. Drusilla noticed her the moment she had walked into the room and, despite the fact that the congregation had been singing, she watched her cousin wander to the place where she needed to sit. After that, Drusilla could not see Naomi since they sat in different sections.
Now, as she hurried to the kitchen, this was the first chance that Drusilla had to speak with her.
“Wie gehts, Naomi?” she asked as she saddled up beside her cousin at the counter. Reaching for a spare dishtowel, Drusilla started drying the dishes as Naomi washed them.
Naomi glanced at her and quickly looked away. But that was all it took. Drusilla almost caught her breath at the sight of her cousin’s gaunt and forlorn face with dark circles under her eyes and the corners of her mouth downturned. It was not like Naomi to look so weary and, immediately, Drusilla became alarmed.
“Are you ill, Naomi?” she whispered.
Naomi shook her head. “Nee, not ill. Just tired.”
But Drusilla wasn’t fooled. She had just gone through this wit
h her mother and knew the signs of depression. In hindsight, Drusilla chided herself for not having suspected something was amiss before now. From the autumn day that she had been so irritable and needling Drusilla about her engagement plans to the Thanksgiving meal when she was moping and her father snapped at her, Naomi had demonstrated all of the signs of not accepting the rapid changes in her life.
“Oh Naomi,” she said mournfully. “You need to go talk to a doctor.”
Naomi tried to smile and deny it. “Nee, I’m fine. You’re ferhoodled!”
“Am I? Am I really being crazy?” Drusilla held the dish towel in her hand and turned to face her cousin.
Glancing around to see if anyone was nearby, Naomi shook her head. “Not now,” she whispered. “There’s too many people around.”
“Later then?”
To Drusilla’s satisfaction, Naomi nodded her head, returning her attention to the dishes.
After everything she had been through, and knowing that her aunt Barbara helped Esther find a doctor, Drusilla was not going to leave for home until she found a chance to discuss matters with her cousin. While she had an awful lot of change to deal with, Naomi needed to actually deal with it rather than hide under the fog of unacceptance.
In silence, they continued washing and drying the dishes, Drusilla praying for her cousin that she’d find the strength and grace to accept God’s plan, no matter how distasteful she thought it tasted.
An hour later, Drusilla finally found the opportunity to talk to her cousin without fear of anyone eavesdropping or accidentally overhearing.
“It’s my daed,” she said.
“Your daed?” If Drusilla suspected something was wrong with Naomi, she certainly did not think it had anything to do with her uncle Jake. “What’s happen? Is he ill?”
“Nee…” she said and then, as if thinking better on it, she said, “ja, a little.”