“That is a jerk thing to say!” I shouted.
“I saw how he looked at you when I drove off. I saw how he looked at me. Did you…did you cheat on him with me?”
I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t believe Jesse could even think I’d do something so vile. “He didn’t look at me like anything. In fact, I let him walk away.”
He nodded his head in amusement. “So he walked out on you and not the other way around. Great. That makes me feel awesome.”
“He beat me to it. I was going to tell him about us, I swear,” I argued. “Actually, what us is there to tell him about? You hardly spoke to me the whole way up here and then you just dropped me off without saying a word. How can you even afford to be angry with me when you’re back to ignoring me again?”
His mouth remained closed, but I could tell he was running his tongue over his teeth. He looked torn.
I stepped forward. “But you don’t have to leave again. We can make this work.”
Inching a bit closer, I rose on my tip-toes and placed a kiss on his face too scared to land one on his lips. The stubble on his cheek scratched my mouth, but I pressed firmly, as if somehow trying to convince him to stay with that one kiss.
“It’s never going to work,” he finally ground out.
I took an abrupt step back. “What? Why?”
“We’re reckless together,” he said quietly. “It was awesome at first, but we’re just too old for it now.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it, though? Maybe things didn’t happen for a reason last time. Maybe it’s a mistake to let it happen this time.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was going to ditch me again. After everything we’d been through.
My face contorted into a mask of pain and then one of anger. Taking a step back, I pushed him away. “You know what? The only reckless thing is you.”
Though I really wasn’t in a hurry to face my parents again, I turned around and began making my way towards the back of the store. I couldn’t stand facing Jesse anymore. He’d messed with my mind too many times to count.
“Rocky!” Jesse called out though he didn’t try to follow me. “Raquel!”
I stopped in my tracks. Clenching my fists tightly, I gritted my teeth. “I guess it’s fitting you call me that, right? Only loved ones call me Rocky.”
He didn’t reply, but I also didn’t hear the door open. Deciding that I really didn’t want to hear those bells one more time, I quickly jogged towards the back of the store, never looking back.
Chapter 28
The freak winter storm had gone as quickly as it had come. It reminded me of Jesse, who only appeared long enough to cause a whirlwind of destruction amongst the beauty. The sun once again rose, melting the snow, ice, and slush from the streets. If only pain could disappear as quickly.
As most parent/child relationships went, my parents and I were pretty fine after our initial blow up. However, I couldn’t help but think their calm demeanor was due to Jesse leaving once again. Soon it was as if nothing ever happened. It was like the past few weeks were all just a figment of our imaginations. My shifts came and went in the same monotony they always had. The only noticeable difference was the faded concrete from where my mom scrubbed off the purple paint. Oh, and the new marketing rep from the ad agency.
Every time the front bells rang, my heart would skip and I’d find myself looking for any sign of the fuzzy beanie. Of course the beanie never showed up, nor did the familiar maroon bubble jacket or the familiar five o’clock shadow.
I debated on whether I should call him or even shoot him a text, but I’d either always chicken out or find myself growing angry once again. The phone did work both ways and I was sick of being the one who always tried. However, by his third no-show in a row, I found myself weakening. I missed him. A lot.
***
“Have you heard from him?” It was a dumb question to ask. He’d never contact Stephanie before me.
At least I thought it was until she replied, “Do you want the BFF answer or the good friend answer?”
“BFF,” I muttered.
“He did call me to tell me he was leaving.”
“What? Why did he call you?” I shot back in accusatory tone.
Luckily, Stephanie was a much bigger person than I could ever be and forgave my snippy tone. “He told me to tell you goodbye for him.”
“Why didn’t he tell me? Why didn’t you tell me before I asked?”
“Because it took me forever to even drag you out with me tonight. Do you think I would have purposely made you succumb to depression all over again?”
“Well, I’m still there, aren’t I?” I murmured. “Can you believe it? Within two days I lost two guys. That must be a new record. Man, I’m such a loser.”
“With that attitude, yes, you are.” Stephanie leaned back into her chair and smiled. “Just enjoy tonight. Please?”
“Fine.”
For a change of scenery and a much needed distraction, Stephanie and I opted to go to a cute little restaurant near the county line for an early dinner. Sure, it was nice of Stephanie to offer to take me there, but due to the dim lights and sultry music, I couldn’t help but associate the place with a date. The ambiance, not to mention my thirty dollar plate of skimpy food, did nothing but kill my mood.
I picked at my dinner, having really no appetite at all, while Stephanie happily munched on her overpriced slab of calamari steak.
“I still think you should call him or even text him,” she said firmly. As soon as she said the word ‘text,’ her phone buzzed in a happy coincidence. Stephanie did her best to ignore the notification, but based on the stiffness of her shoulders and darting of her eyes, I knew she was fighting a losing battle.
“If you want to check your phone, just do it.” I grunted.
“But tonight is about you,” she protested.
I smiled, touched that at least one of my best friends cared enough to put me first. I shook my head. “It hasn’t been about me since senior year.”
Stephanie smiled sadly, knowing full well I wasn’t talking about her. Probably to distract me more than her, she picked up her phone and read the text while giggling.
“It’s not another dick pic, is it?” I asked blandly.
She shook her head with excitement. “No! Daniel is finally coming to visit me.”
Guilt stabbed me in the chest. I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten all about it. I was such a horrible friend.
“When is he coming?”
“Later tonight.” She placed her phone back onto the ivory colored table runner and clapped her hands. “Can you believe it?”
“No.” I shook my head. “Nope, nope.”
“No, as you can’t believe it or ‘no’ as in—”
“NO!” I exclaimed loudly, garnering a few annoyed looks from nearby tables. I immediately ducked, blushing profusely.
“What do you mean by no?”
“I mean that it’s dangerous, Steph. You don’t know anything about him any more than I do.”
“I know that he’s sweet and pays attention to me.”
“Gee, thanks,” I muttered.
Stephanie’s eyes widened. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”
I waved her off. “Forget it.”
“But—”
“I said forget it.”
She glued her mouth shut and lowered her head. “If you’re so worried about me, why don’t you stop over tonight?”
“Where—wait a minute. He’s coming over to your house? Stephanie! That’s beyond irresponsible and you know it.”
If Stephanie wanted to distract me from the shitstorm that had become my life, then she was succeeding. She was not only succeeding, she was overachieving.
“Then stop by,” she pleaded. “He’s coming over at nine.”
“You just wanted him to come over to your place so you had the option of sleeping with him, didn’t you?”
She
shrugged. “I wasn’t going to meet him at a hotel, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, yeah, because having security on hand is a really bad idea.”
“Just stop by. Please? Come over a quarter after nine. That’ll give us time to feel each other out, and if things aren’t good, you stopping by will give me an excuse to kick him out.”
“Fine.” I pushed a forkful of spinach into my mouth and chewed furiously. “And what am I going to do if you do hit it off?”
She grinned. “Politely show yourself out.”
“You are such a bit—” I immediately lost all sense of what I was saying when I spotted a couple walk in through the door. I gulped down the remaining vegetables and stared in shock.
Stephanie’s eyebrows knitted together. She waved a hand over my eyes. “Earth to Rocky.”
When I still didn’t respond, she turned her head and gasped. Snapping her head back around, she hissed, “Is that Ethan?”
I nodded silently, watching the blond-haired man lead a beautiful redhead to a far off table. He wore a navy blue sweater matched with a pair of black slacks and oxfords. I recognized the outfit well. He had worn it on our first date.
“Wow, he moves quickly, doesn’t he? Nice to know I’m that easy to forget. Guess it isn’t just Jesse, after all.” I stabbed a fork into an overcooked piece of asparagus.
Stephanie reached out slowly, grabbing the utensil from me. Placing the silverware on her plate, she smiled innocently. “Are you okay?”
I snorted and shook my head. “Of course I am. It’s just…”
“What?” she whispered.
I bowed my head. “It’s nice to see him happy. I wasn’t good for him and I knew I’d end up hurting him in the end.”
“Okay?”
I sighed. “And I wish it were me.”
She blinked in confusion. “But you just said…”
“I mean, I wish it was me being happy. On a date. Falling in love.”
Stephanie took a deep breath and smiled sadly. “You can’t be.”
“I know.” I shut my eyes and nodded. I was a bit hurt from the tough love, but I appreciated it nonetheless. It was what best friends were for, right?
“What I mean is you can’t fall in love because you’re already in love. You’ve been in love all along.”
A sheen of water glazed over my eyes. Sniffling, I forced a smile. “So what do I do?”
She looked down at her hands and sighed. “I wish I could tell you, but only you’ll know the answer to that.”
Chapter 29
The box.
The old, stained, ripped cardboard box sat at the edge of my bed, beckoning to me. I reached out to touch it, but quickly drew my hand back. What good would it do? Did I really need to torture myself with it again?
With an exasperated shriek, I stretched my leg out and kicked it clear off the bed. It landed upside down on my floor, dumping all the contents into a heap. The red glitter from the streamers exploded on my carpet like a happy blood stain and the photographs were now bent in half. Earlier I would have been mortified to see everything damaged so badly, but now I really didn’t care. What was the use of preserving what I originally thought was a happy time in my life when now I realized I had been nothing but delusional?
Pulling my legs back, I wrapped my arms around my knees and propped my chin on top. The digital clock on my bedside table flashed 8:55. I’d have to head over to Stephanie’s soon and endure a night of torture. It wasn’t as if I wasn’t happy for her possible impending romance. Honestly, I was just so sick of anything that had to do with high school. Daniel included.
At about nine o’clock I quietly picked myself up from the bed and walked over to the box. Intent on cleaning up the mess, I hastily stopped when I noticed the faded black material of Jesse’s old jacket peeking from inside. Turning rapidly, I practically ran out of my room.
My parents were still at the store, for which I was beyond thankful. Though they pretty much forgave me after I explained how much of an increase in sales we made by selling those straws, I couldn’t help but feel as if I was still walking on eggshells around them. At least back in senior year I knew I only had to endure another semester until I moved out of the house, but now who knew how long it would take?
By the time I made it to my car I was exhausted both physically and emotionally. I grabbed my car keys from my pocket and felt my hand brush up against my phone. The silicone phone cover felt as if it were fire, burning me down to my core. It felt like lead, weighing me down and holding me back from moving on. Stephanie told me only I would know what to do and at that moment I realized she was right.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I took my phone out of my pocket and hastily opened up the window to text Jesse. Knowing full well this could possibly be the last time I ever spoke to him again, I thought long and hard before I began typing.
Five years is a very long time and since this may be the last time I speak to you for another five years I just wanted to say…
What did I want to say? I shut my eyes and leaned into the car, lifting up one foot so it rested on the seat. I pressed the side of my face on my knee and took a moment to think.
Thank you for the years of friendship. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you and I appreciate that. I know it sounds weird, but you actually taught me to aspire for what true love could really be. As inexplicable as it is, I can’t help but think that my inability to form relationships was due to the fact that I compared them all to you. Thank you for setting that bar for me and thank you for loving me, even if it was in your own special way.
I rubbed away my tears and sniffled loudly.
Goodbye again, old friend.
I took one final gulp of air before finally turning on my car. Opting to keep the radio off in case a sad love song decided to play, I drove to Stephanie’s apartment in pure silence.
Chapter 30
I stood in front of the cream door and lifted my hand up to knock when it suddenly burst open. Startled, I jumped back in time for a sandy-haired man to come out. I had to do a double take because this man was not what I pictured Daniel would look like. He was only about an inch taller than I was, which considering how short I am isn’t saying much. He was also that skinny/fat type with scrawny arms and a huge belly. Needless to say, the years certainly haven’t been kind to him.
“Daniel?” I squeaked, before I could stop myself.
He broke into smile as he eyed me up and down. “Well, if it isn’t Raquel Rossi. Wow! You haven’t aged a day.”
“Uh, thanks.” I jumped from one foot to the other awkwardly. I peered over his shoulder, looking for any sign of Stephanie and was relieved when I saw her stepping into the doorframe.
“Rocky!” she squealed. Making sure that Daniel wasn’t looking she mouthed, “Thank God.”
I pulled at the skin at the base of my neck and frowned. “Um, can I come in or is this not a good time…?”
“Oh, it’s a great time! He was just leaving.” Stephanie grabbed my arm and yanked me inside before Daniel could get one word out. She practically dragged me to her living room after slamming the door shut.
“Wow that was rude.” I brushed myself off as soon as she let go of me. Peering up at Stephanie, I smirked. “Guess your trip down memory lane wasn’t as awesome as you thought it would be?”
She grimaced. “Ech! He totally was not what I expected.”
“Who cares if he’s about five inches shorter than you?” I teased. I tapped against my chest solemnly. “It’s what on the inside that counts.”
She rolled her eyes. “It’s not just that. I mean it’s no wonder we didn’t work out back then. He still thinks he’s a huge ladies’ man.”
“Counting by his beer belly he is huge.” I snickered.
She threw her head back and let out a tiny groan. “It was a disaster. Remind me never to revisit my past again.”
“Only if you do the same for me,” I replied in a quiet tone.
; My best friend straightened her face and looked at me questioningly. “Did something happen?”
I trudged towards her couch, plopping down. “Nope. Nothing happened at all.”
“Rocky.”
I lowered myself so that I was lying in the fetal position and took a deep breath. “I mean, I did text him.”
Her eyes widened. “What? What did you say?”
I grabbed one of her tasseled throw pillows and pulled it to my chest. Fingering the little pieces of thread, I shrugged my shoulders. “Just thanking him for friendship and wishing him goodbye.”
“Oh.” Her mouth turned out into a tiny pout. “Did he respond?”
I frowned. “I’m not sure, actually. I just kinda put my phone away.”
She stared at me as if I was the stupidest person on the planet.
“What?” I pulled the pillow up so that it was covering half my face. “Sending that text was pretty traumatic for me. No need to prolong the pain.”
“Just get your phone,” she demanded.
“Fine.” Still curled up on the couch, I managed to maneuver my arm so I could grab my phone out of my tight jean pocket. Gripping onto it as if it were a life preserver, I shook my head feverishly. “I can’t.”
“Give me that.” Before I could protest, Stephanie stomped over and swiped it from my hand. “Passcode?”
“1-0-2-8.”
Stephanie lowered the phone and raised a newly waxed eyebrow. Wow, she definitely prepared for Daniel tonight. Pursing her lips she asked, “Jesse’s birthday?”
I shrugged, but did not reply.
With a shake of her head, she unlocked my phone and gasped. “He texted back!”
“He did?” I bolted straight up and gulped. “What did he say? Actually, no, don’t tell me…no actually do…wait, is it bad?”
“Oh my gosh.” Stephanie shook her head in annoyance. “Just calm down, all right? It says…”
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