by Trina Solet
"Oh," Phillip said, caught off guard. He didn't know he would be losing Leon's company so soon. As they made their way to the door, he worried that he had inadvertently given Leon some kind of signal that he wanted him to leave. That was the furthest thing from the truth. Remembering that Leon needed a ride, Phillip looked over at the sleeping Ant.
"I would offer to drive you but..." Phillip started to say.
Leon shook his head. "Don't worry about it. It's OK. I'm just going to hail a cab."
"Will your car be ready in the morning?"
"That's what they said. I won't be late again," Leon assured him.
"Don't worry about that," Phillip said as they headed to the front door.
"You're a nice boss. Especially now that you have Ant."
"He's a good influence?"
"He is."
Phillip walked him out the whole time wishing that he could ask him to stay. As they stepped out into the hallway, he realized he was alone with Leon again. He held his breath and watched Leon's long finger press the button to call the elevator. Leon turned to him with a hesitant smile and Phillip froze.
The display above the elevator doors changed while the elevator moved up. It seemed to Phillip that Leon had just set a timer and his heart raced as the time started to run out. That elevator would be here too soon and then Leon would be gone.
He just couldn't let him leave like that – not without something more, something tactile, real and warm that would stay with him even after Leon was gone. Phillip wanted all of him, but he would settle for just one touch, and a handshake was the perfect way to hide his need behind civility. He offered Leon his hand. He took it and then everything fell apart.
With their hands clasped between them, Leon used the grip to pull himself closer. His other hand gripped the front of Phillip's shirt right over his heart. Phillip felt the hold as firm and demanding, but the look in Leon's eyes was uncertain, almost frightened, and completely heartbreaking.
Phillip couldn't take the look in those eyes for another second. He reached out, pulled Leon even closer until their mouths met. Blinding, searing pleasure shot through him. Their mouths pressed together hard, tongues entwining. Fingertips brushed over clothes, catching on seams, grasping for buttons and zippers. Their bodies were grinding, heating up. With no thought for decency or even taking one single breath, Phillip didn't want to stop. They kissed all in a rush right there in the hallway with the elevator arriving behind them and being ignored.
*
After leaving Phillip's, Leon meant to get a cab but he didn't. His legs moved on their own, finding their way home with no help from his brain. The streets were well-lit, storefronts and traffic lights added some color to the glow of the night. Traffic streamed past, restaurants did brisk business. Now and then Leon passed other people on foot, not that he really saw them. While his legs took him home, the rest of him was still back there in front of the elevator, kissing Phillip like he would die, trying to grope him everywhere.
Silently he had begged Phillip not to stop, but he did. He ended their kiss and pushed Leon away gently but firmly. Though it felt as if Leon was being cut off from life itself, it wasn't a surprise. He was only surprised at himself. Was that really him kissing Phillip in a frenzy, like he was going to take it all the way right there in the hallway?
In that moment, he felt like nothing would stop him. He was only aware of Phillip. Nothing else existed, not his past or any dream of a future. There was only Phillip, and Leon had to have him, all of him, every inch of his body and every hitched breath.
Leon wondered at his boldness, and at the same time ached at how abruptly it all ended. That wasn't an end, was it? It couldn't be. It had to be a start, an amazing start. And as much as he was afraid, Leon couldn't wait for more. He was starved for this.
Whenever he tried to throw himself into something physical – with a few drinks in him to give him courage – he failed. Same thing when he tiptoed toward a more meaningful encounter. He would start with coffee, then move on to lunch then dinner and end up with nothing. He sometimes satisfied a guy out of a sense of obligation but never true desire. And after that he never wanted to see him again.
Going to clubs and bars with Pavel, he felt like he was putting up an ad for something that wasn't for sale. Pavel didn't mind. He called him the perfect wingman. "Don't worry about not being up for grabs. Just watch my back, make sure no one slips anything in my drink. And when a hot guy hits on you, just shove him in my direction."
Pavel took it in stride, but Leon worried that he was never going to get over his fear. And he wasn't the only one who didn't like the odds. After a while, Leon noticed that only newcomers and diehards bothered with him. Too many no-thank-yous and shakes of the head had given him a reputation as a nonstarter. Leon didn't mind too much. It took the decision out of his hands. Refusing always made him wonder what if this guy was the one and he just blew it.
Now that he had met Phillip, he didn't wonder any more. Meeting the one wasn't like picking out the right shoes. It was like a clap of thunder striking your body and lightning running through your veins. Leon remembered the force of that feeling when he first met Phillip. At the time, he thought it was just intense attraction on top of nerves because it was his first day on the job.
Phillip seemed so exacting and strict on first sight. Leon was a little scared of him. He knew better now. Phillip wasn't strict at all especially with him. More importantly, what Leon felt when he met him was no simple attraction. It was a feeling of need and desire that gripped him then and just wouldn't let go no matter how hard he struggled.
Still, he shouldn't have latched onto Phillip like he did tonight even if it did get him the best, hottest kiss anybody ever had. He was still buzzing from it, elated and terrified. He didn't know what was going to happen next, but he knew what he yearned for with every fiber of his being. If he was brave enough to go after it, if he was stupid and reckless, he might wreck everything or have everything he wanted.
Chapter 23
With physical therapy, Bernie was getting back the use of her left arm. She also spent more time on her feet, though she grumbled about her walker. As she slowly made her way toward the outdoor picnic tables at Ivy Gate, she complained about her walker to Phillip. "They don't trust me to stay upright without it."
Bernie sat down carefully with Lilly's help, which she tried to refuse.
"Stop fussing."
"Who's fussing?" Lilly told her. "I just don't want you to fall over on your keister."
They were under the big trees that shaded the picnic tables. Around them, other residents with visitors of their own were enjoying the nice day. Phillip saw some card games, which caught Ant's attention and made Phillip think about Leon. There was also a chess match being played in extreme slow motion. No one had any interest in that, and even the players might have dozed off.
Bernie gave Phillip an update on her therapy, or – as Lilly said – she bellyached about it. To show off her new skills to Ant, Bernie held a stress ball and squeezed it to make its eyes pop out. Ant laughed. Then he told her and Lilly his adventures in preschool, the new daycare and also about going to the office. "Then we maked a party with spaghetti and meatballs and Leon."
"Leon, who's that again?" Bernie asked with a mischievous, lopsided grin. The glint in her eyes worried Phillip a little.
Ant had certainly mentioned Leon plenty of times before. He was one of his favorite people after all. "Leon is nice, and we have lots of fun."
"Sounds like a great guy," Bernie said with a wink at Phillip. Now he was worried even more.
"He is," Ant confirmed. "And his name means that he is a lion."
"Is he handsome?" Bernie asked knowingly.
Ant wasn't sure. He looked at Phillip for help in that department.
Phillip decided to deflect the question. "He's my assistant."
"Sure he is," Bernie said with another wink. Was this woman psychic?
"Well, maybe he
's more than that," Phillip had to admit. Neither that nor the fact that he was gay seemed to be a revelation to her and Lilly.
"We're way ahead of you there," Bernie said with a wiggle of one of her eyebrows. She had already made up her mind about him and that he had something going with Leon. Phillip couldn't exactly say that she was wrong, and last night he had almost proved her right, but he did wonder how they knew he was gay.
"And what else have you been up to?" Lilly asked Ant. She could never hear enough about Ant's new life.
"I helped Uncle Phillip do laundry," Ant said proudly.
"Just like you used to help me. You're such a good boy," Lilly praised him.
Bernie had a different take on it though. "Yes, just like he used to help an old lady do the laundry," she said.
"Old lady? Look who's talking," Lilly said, but Bernie's real target was Phillip.
She wasn't shy when it came to sharing her opinion. "You know, you're a good-looking young man. Maybe even better looking without all that." Bernie pointed at his suit. "You just need to fix yourself up a little, and you'll be beating them off with a stick."
"I'm taking a break from all that," Phillip told her.
"A break?" She scoffed. "You get back on that horse, young man, and you ride him for all he's worth."
Phillip groaned. If there was any mercy in the world, the ground would open up and swallow him before Bernie had a chance to say another word of encouragement. No such luck. Bernie was on a roll and she wasn't stopping.
And while Phillip was subjected to Bernie's dissection, Ant was at the next table, flipping through a travel magazine he had found lying abandoned on the bench. He was making faces at the pictures, oblivious to the distress his uncle was in.
Bernie continued her torment. "Now don't get me wrong. The suit is nice. It suits you, you could say." She chuckled at her own pun. "But nowadays you got to show it off. Things have changed. It's not just women who've got to strut their stuff."
"What are you telling him, Bernie?" Lilly asked. "He is a serious and proper young man," she said in his defense.
"And single," Bernice said. "A virile young man like you doing laundry instead of living it up. It's a crying shame."
"Excuse me?" Phillip said. He wondered if simply running away from this conversation was an option.
It was for Lilly. She took Ant by the hand and said she was going to show him off and "make them all eat their hearts out."
That left Phillip alone with Bernie. Since she was being so forthcoming, he felt he had nothing to lose by asking her, "And how did you know I was gay?"
"Me and Lill talked it over and we sussed it out between us."
"I see," Phillip said though he really didn't. One thing was clear in any case – Lilly didn't disapprove and that was a relief.
That day Ant brought along some preschool homework. He showed it off to Lilly and Bernie like it was a Christmas gift. Once they got home from Ivy Gate, Ant couldn't wait to get started. Phillip had him sit at the kitchen counter while he made dinner.
Ant hunched over the worksheets with letters and numbers for him to trace then color. Phillip watched him trace the numbers, more or less, but when he reached the letters, he gave up. Taking a green crayon in his fist, Ant started drawing a sloppy spiral all over the paper.
Phillip stopped him. "What letter is that supposed to be? Try tracing some of these letters again."
Ant complained, "It's too hard."
"You still have to do it. Or at least you have to try."
"You're strict." Ant pouted.
"I'm strict but fair."
Ant wasn't convinced of that, but he did get down to the grueling work of tracing somewhere in the neighborhood of the letters. Proud of him, Phillip kissed the top of his head.
Seeing Ant struggle with this early version of schoolwork reminded him so much of Tony. When it came to homework, Tony would sit still for whole minutes before he found something better to do. He wasn't happy if he wasn't on the move. He had to be chased down, and even then he barely did enough to pass.
Tony got his irrepressible nature from their mother. Phillip was more serious and subdued like their dad. And now there was Ant. Whereas Tony had been brash and unapologetic about it, Ant was quiet with occasional bursts of enthusiasm. Excitement would build in him until he was like a tea kettle ready to boil. That's what made Phillip ask him, "Do you know the teapot song?"
Ant mimed the handle and spout to show that he did. But it turned out that he didn't know the words so Phillip taught him.
"You can do it for Lilly and Bernie next time we go to see them."
"You have to do it with me," Ant said. "I'm gonna forget how it goes."
Phillip laughed at the idea. Now that would be something. As he told Ant that he was too old, he tried not to look sad thinking how Tony would have done it. Phillip could see him singing and acting out the song right next to his son. He wouldn't have been embarrassed. He would have done it without hesitation.
Tears came to his eyes as he wished that Ant could have gotten to know his dad. It made him angry at Tony too. If he hadn't lived so recklessly... But there was no point to either wishes or blame. Phillip just had to do his best for Ant.
Chapter 24
His world was transforming all around him. The dreary, antiseptic look of his apartment was giving way to toys everywhere and smudges wherever little fingers could reach. The messy proof that a child lived there made Phillip smile. It made him so happy to have Ant in his life.
Toys left on the floor and colorful cereals in his kitchen cupboards marked Ant's territory, but it wasn't just at home that things were changing. At the office, people smiled at Phillip as if they were congratulating a new dad.
After he got the news about Tony, they had all watched him come into the office pale and drawn, suffering clearly written on his face. He had never been lively, but after Tony died, he couldn't recover even his usual state of grim placidity. And now look at him. This little kid more than restored him. He made a new man of him, almost a dad, and definitely a happy uncle.
And now that he had Ant, to want Leon in his life as well was pure greed. Leon was fun but also patient and accepting. And he was so beautiful, sometimes it hurt Phillip to look at him.
Lately Phillip had found himself wondering how Leon felt about him. All their time together had centered on Ant. Their conversations at work and at lunch had taken place within a boundary that Phillip was afraid to cross. But last night he had crossed it and with no thought for the consequences.
Where did that impulse come from? His approach to relationships was always more pragmatic, along the lines of "I should have a boyfriend and this man fits the bill". After a cold start, the way his relationships ended seemed to prove that he wasn't fit to share his life with anyone.
David left him without warning or explanation and moved in with someone else. Afterward he told him, "I'm surprised you noticed I was gone. All you do is work. You were never there even when you were."
His breakup with Cory wasn't as abrupt. But after it ended, Phillip found out Cory's relationship with his next boyfriend had started months before their breakup. In his defense, Cory told him that he needed someone with a little warmth, "Someone who actually wants to be with me. Not someone who lives in the past."
Others had told him the same thing – that he was cold and dead inside, stuck in the past. Ken certainly had.
His failed relationships only left Phillip with a heart full of pain, mistrust and disappointment. So why was he dreaming of throwing himself into Leon's arms? Maybe because just thinking of him made him smile. Or maybe Ant gave him hope for the future.
At the office, Phillip was physically at work while his mind was elsewhere, busy trying to reconcile his present, his past and his possible future. Was his future out there at the desk in front? Phillip forced himself not to stare at Leon, who worked diligently but seemed on edge. Phillip planned to talk to him about that, but Leon beat him to the punch.
"OK. It's lunchtime. I'm officially off the clock. I can speak freely, so listen up," Leon commanded as he came to stand in front of his desk.
As he gave him his full attention, Phillip noticed that he had closed the door of his office, something he had never done before.
"You can always speak freely," Phillip told him.
That only caused Leon to glare at him with his beautiful, hazel eyes. "I said listen up, not talk. Last night I realized something that I should have realized a lot sooner. You're never going to make a move on me."
Phillip started to disagree. "Technically I did..."
"What happened to listening?"
"Sorry."
"You're too much of a gentleman," Leon complained.
"Is that another way of saying uptight?"
Leon glared at him for yet another interruption, but then just plowed on. "I wasn't trying to push myself on you or rush you. I just couldn't wait for you to get it in gear."
"I'm your boss. I can't just..."
"I'm swallowing my pride here! Don't you dare reject me over a technicality," Leon snapped.
Phillip stared at him, speechless for a second. Reject him? How could he? He wanted to dive into those eyes and never come up for air. He was dying to grab a handful of his hair, twist it around his fingers and kiss him deep and hard. But somehow he still managed to resist.
"It's not a technicality," he told Leon reasonably. "It's the reality of our situation, our respective positions."
"Listen to you bull-shitting me," Leon said, dismissing Phillip's concerns. "It's a technicality, and it's not going to stop me from getting my hands on you. All over you."
Phillip held his breath and shut his eyes. He groaned inwardly at the thought of Leon's strong hands, his long fingers touching him everywhere. Leon was on the other side of his desk, not touching him, but somehow his caresses already burned him. Phillip was on fire and still Leon didn't let up.