by Trina Solet
There it was again. Leon felt trapped. A panicky feeling mixed with desire. Phillip's hard body was too tempting. Desire won out, crushing the fear and Leon moaned.
That never happened with anyone else. At the first intimate touch from any other man, a wall of fear went up, and then it seemed like that's all there was in the world. The panic always stayed strong and robbed him of pleasure – but not with Phillip's mouth at his pulse point, his muscular chest against Leon's so that he could feel the drumbeat of his heart.
Only Phillip could break through. Leon pushed back panic and gave himself up to the weight and power of Phillip's body on top of him. Breathing hard, Leon wrapped himself around Phillip. His arms and legs pulling him closer, he buried his face in the crook of Phillip's neck and moaned into his hot skin.
"Got carried away," Phillip panted like he only now realized where they were. He pulled back a little and stared down at Leon with eyes glazed with lust.
Knowing that nothing much could happen right there in the middle of the living room, Philip helped Leon up off the floor and pulled him to his bedroom. On the way there, Leon tried not to dwell on what he had in mind. He wanted and needed Phillip. That was all that mattered.
Phillip shut the door by pinning Leon against it. Leon was hungry for his kiss and for his cock, but Phillip only teased him. Holding him still with a firm grip on his arms, he barely grazed Leon's jaw with his lips before letting them glide down the side of his neck.
The slow seduction didn't last. Phillip's hands groped through his clothes, seeking the heat of his naked flesh.
As Phillip pulled him toward his bed, Leon still wasn't sure what they would be doing. The uncertainty threatened to turn into fear, but Phillip's mouth was on his, like a reminder of what he stood to lose.
He was more afraid of never feeling Phillip's kiss or his touch. He had to have this. Leon gave himself up to it – to the hurried way Phillip stripped him and the rough groping between wet kisses. Then there was the feeling of Phillip's cool sheets against his bare skin and Phillip's mouth enveloping his cock.
After they were done pleasing each other, they sat against Phillip's headboard. Leon had his legs over Phillip's and his head on his shoulder. Phillip was stroking his hair and his naked thigh. Leon never wanted to move, but he knew it was still too soon to stay the night. He pushed himself off the bed and to his feet with a groan and started picking up his clothes from the bedroom floor.
"Already?" Phillip said regretfully, but then he got up too and pulled on his pants and shirt so he would be decent when he walked Leon to the door.
They walked slowly, arms around one another. At the door, Leon tried to kiss Phillip goodbye, but the kiss lingered like it would never end. Leon pushed away from him with a grunt. He hated the thought of leaving Phillip.
"Better go so I can be fresh and rested tomorrow for another round of pretending that I'm not dating my boss," Leon said to try and talk himself into going through that door.
"Are we dating?" Phillip asked coyly.
"No. We're just very, very friendly," Leon said and to demonstrate, he went to Phillip and pressed up against him.
"This seems like more than dating," Phillip said and he smiled that disarming smile Leon had seen him wear only since Ant came into his life.
"I wouldn't know. What I know about dating I learned mostly by watching from the sidelines," Leon said. It was only a hint of what he wanted to say. He wasn't sure how to tell Phillip about his very limited experience. "To be fair, I should tell you. I haven't just been avoiding relationships. I've been avoiding sex."
"Oh," Phillip said and a look of grim understanding washed over his face. "I'm sorry. When we..." Phillip started to say, pointing back toward his bedroom.
"That was good. Amazing. But whenever I think about actually having sex, bad memories come flooding back. I've exchanged an unenthusiastic blowjob or two, but anything beyond that and I freeze up."
Phillip shook his head and looked kind of stricken.
"It's different with you," Leon said to reassure him. "I've been trying to get out there since I moved to Easton, but I took it pretty slowly. Maybe too slowly. I should have told you before, but I didn't want to admit it. I didn't know if you would want to take a chance on a guy like me."
"A guy like you? You're wonderful," Phillip said earnestly and took his face in his hands.
"I don't know about that. But dating my boss – I'm aiming high in my first serious dating attempt," Leon said, wanting to lighten the mood.
"So far so good," Phillip told him with a smile and took him in his arms lightly.
"For a long time, I didn't think any kind of real relationship was in the cards for me. I've just been trying to train myself not to be afraid of sex. Growing up, I never witnessed a good relationship with my own eyes. I got stuck living with the choices my parents made and did the only thing I could – I retreated into a shell, into books. My mother's mistakes taught me too well that the next guy wasn't my salvation. But here you are." Gazing deep into Phillip's eyes, Leon lost himself in them but also found himself.
Chapter 29
Once Leon was gone, Phillip was consumed by thoughts of him and what he had told him. He walked through the darkened apartment to check on Ant then back to his bedroom. Only one lamp was on and he switched it off as he dropped into his bed, still dressed. He rubbed his face against the pillow and gripped the sheets in his fist.
Watching Leon go, Phillip wondered if he would always have this tightness in his chest and worry that he would escape his hold and leave him like the others did. He wanted Leon to turn and tell him that he wasn't going away. Otherwise this ache would never ease up. At every moment Leon wasn't with him, he feared losing him.
In his turbulent state of mind, he couldn't imagine sleeping. He lay awake with Leon's scent all around him, keeping him company. Phillip closed his eyes so he could see Leon again maybe more clearly now that he knew that the abuse from his past still affected him.
He had been so eager, even desperate for Leon that he might have missed some sign from him to slow down. Thinking back, he only remembered Leon returning every kiss and moaning with pleasure. He had memorized it all – from the feel of the soft cotton boxers Leon wore the first time he undressed him to the look in his eyes which said, "yes, please" louder than any words.
How could he be sure? Tonight he had lost his head. It happened back on the sofa and later with Leon in the dark of his bedroom. He couldn't wait to strip him naked, taste him, make him his own again. Phillip had never experienced a need that was so blinding that it obliterated every obstacle in its path.
Still he should have been more mindful of the scars from Leon's past. It was too easy to get carried away as his desire burned him up from the inside, but that was no excuse. Leon deserved better.
In the morning, as he drove to the office, Phillip planned to be at his most professional and give Leon some breathing room. He didn't want Leon to feel uncomfortable or pressured into taking things further before he was ready just because it was what Phillip wanted. Though it had become a habit, Phillip was determined not to make any personal requests of him. He wanted to show Leon that he would let him set the pace in their relationship.
When Phillip arrived at the office, Leon gave him a restrained smile from behind his desk, then launched straight into business. After last night, Leon's frosty attitude caught him off guard. Taking his cue from him, Phillip stayed on task and didn't even throw one stray look or smile his way.
As the day wore on, Phillip looked past his own fears and noticed that Leon seemed gloomy. Worried that his presence was wearing on him, Phillip interacted with him only when absolutely necessary. That didn't seem to help. Leon only appeared more somber the next time he saw him.
The longer Leon's standoffish attitude lasted, the more it chilled him. The message Leon was sending could only mean one thing. But it couldn't be over already. Things had only just started. Phillip told himself he was overreact
ing and tried to stay calm.
Close to lunchtime, Phillip decided to speak to him about what was bothering him and address any issues between them. He was surprised when Leon came into his office and confronted him about his own mood. "So what's going on with you?" Leon demanded. "You were OK when you got here, but it's been downhill ever since."
"It's nothing," Phillip said, not wanting to reveal how he felt, though apparently he had been doing that all day without realizing it. He moved on to what he wanted to say, "I want to talk to you about where things stand."
Leon's expression changed from concerned to very grim. "Sounds serious. Should I be packing up to move to a desk down the hall?"
"What?" Phillip asked. "Where is this coming from?"
"From you and your attitude. I'm just preparing myself for the worst. I know you wouldn't fire me. My guess is that you're going to transfer me."
Phillip denied it immediately. "I'm not transferring you. Do you want a transfer?"
"Me? No. I thought maybe you decided I wasn't worth the trouble with all my dumb baggage and inexperience."
"How could you think that?" Phillip asked, appalled.
"Because of the way you've been acting all day. So what's the deadly serious talk supposed to be about then?" Leon asked, still frowning.
"I just wanted to assure you that things between us at work would be professional. I know I ask a lot of you, but I wanted you to know that I wouldn't impose on you or pressure you," Phillip told him.
The look on Leon's face brightened. "That's what I was trying to do – prove to you that I could behave myself at work. That's why I've been super-professional all day. I was demonstrating my awesome self-control."
"Oh. I thought you were sending me a message to back off," Phillip admitted.
"No way. I wanted to show you I wouldn't embarrass you at the office. That I could keep it cool and not jump you as soon as you walked through the door, but I guess I kind of overshot the mark," Leon said with a sheepish grin.
"You could never embarrass me," Phillip assured him.
"Don't you remember what happened with Thompson?"
"No," Phillip lied.
Leon laughed. "I just want to keep you and this job at all costs."
"Really? I got the impression that you found your job painfully boring."
"This job guarantees that I'll see you. Five days out of seven, I know where you'll be," Leon said. "So my job is safe and we're good now?" Leon still seemed a little unsure about where they stood.
Phillip decided to make himself clear. "I value you as an employee, but I also want you in my life. Between the two of us, I'm sure we can figure out how to balance those two things."
Leon only stared at him for about a minute. "Umm. Could you put that less romantically?"
Phillip chuckled. "Knowing me, yes, I probably could. I'm used to more pragmatic relationships. I don't know what to do when someone takes my breath away and turns me inside out with every look."
For a moment Leon was taken aback, and Phillip was worried that he said too much.
Looking a little wide-eyed, Leon swallowed before he spoke. "That's more like it," he said in a whisper, and gave Phillip a lascivious grin.
While they gazed at each other, Phillip wished he could take Leon in his arms and show him how he felt. Leon walked away just in time to keep Phillip from doing anything stupid and wildly inappropriate. Leon went back to his desk to act professional but still sent an occasional smile Phillip's way.
Chapter 30
Later in the day Phillip went over to his desk. Seeing him lingering there, Leon looked at him expectantly out of the corner of his eye.
"Since we're on such good terms, I have a treat for you," Phillip said. "How would you like to visit a nursing home?"
Leon faced him with a wry look. Then he asked, "Is this your version of 'Come and meet the family'?"
"You already met Lilly, but I guess it is, kind of. And it's only fair since you've been the subject of so much talk over there," Phillip told him.
"What? Me? Why?"
"Ant has been talking you up, and I might have found a few nice things to say as well. Now I want to show you off. Mainly I just don't want to go without seeing you after I leave work, so any excuse will do."
"OK, then I'm in," Leon said good-naturedly.
As always, Ant was thrilled that Leon was joining them. He was as addicted to him as Phillip was. First they had to stop to buy gifts including one from Leon. Leon remembered that Lilly liked flowers so he wanted some small, potted plants. That's what they got after talking Ant out of buying all the biggest ones. He wanted to turn Lilly's room at the nursing home into a jungle. He eventually settled for a hyacinth to go with the assortment of begonias and chrysanthemums in pretty planters.
When they arrived at Ivy Gate with their tray of flowers plus the hyacinth that Ant carried all by himself, they made for quite a sight. All eyes were on them as they went through the grounds. Lilly and Bernie were meeting them at the benches by the fountain, but they hadn't arrived yet. That gave the other old ladies a chance to swarm so they could admire the plants they bought. They also admired Leon and cooed over Ant. He was a familiar sight at the nursing home, but they never got enough of him.
Ant was the first to spot Lilly and Bernie when they slowly made their way over to them. As he ran to greet them, Phillip followed him more slowly, carrying the tray with the plants, all of them in full bloom. Meanwhile, Leon was waylaid by some persistent old ladies. Penned in by walkers on every side, he had a little trouble getting away.
"We starting a nursery?" Bernie asked when she saw their gifts.
Phillip had called ahead to let them know to expect an extra visitor. For a minute, Bernie looked like she was going to ask where he was. Then she spotted him. While Lilly was fussing over Ant and his hyacinth, Bernie was pointedly staring at Leon as he patiently listened to an old lady lecture him on plant care.
"Is that your Leon? You know how to pick 'em. And he must be a good one if our Ant likes him," Bernie said.
Just then Leon turned around and smiled. Phillip felt his heart start beating faster. It was amazing how Leon's presence brightened his day, how the flash of his eyes could transform a moment. No man had ever made him feel like that before.
At first Phillip didn't recognized the feeling. But as his heart kept drumming in his ears, he knew he was in love. For a while he didn't hear anything that Bernie and Lilly said to him until Ant went over to rescue Leon. Taking him by the hand Ant brought him over and made formal introductions.
"It's Leon! It's Leon!" he yelled and jumped in place, happy that all his favorite people were finally meeting.
As Bernie shook hands with Leon, she winked at Phillip. He knew to expect it and sighed in resignation.
"Isn't this a treat," Lilly said and smiled at Leon, her blue eyes twinkling at him from behind her glasses.
"Look at him. I'd say he's a treat and a half," Bernie said. "Between him and Ant's handsome uncle, I wouldn't be able to choose."
"Like anybody is asking you to choose," Lilly said to her.
"In my younger days I could have had my pick, or with a few drinks in me, I might have taken 'em both on," Bernie claimed to everyone's horror.
Lilly quickly covered Ant's ears, not that he could understand any of that.
"Is there fighting?" Ant asked, confused.
"No," Leon told him. "Bernie just wants to make me her boyfriend."
Ant's ears were still covered so he didn't hear that. To make sure he didn't hear anything else Bernie might say, Lilly asked for his help taking the potted plants to their room. "We'll set them up right on the windowsill, make them nice and cozy."
"You go on," Bernie said to Phillip since he was still standing there, holding the tray with plants. "I want to have a chat with this one." She pointed at Leon and gave him a lopsided grin.
Hearing her, Lilly turned back. "You don't have to have a audience with her. She isn't the queen of an
ything," she said to Leon.
Bernie waved her off. "You got those two. I'm keeping this one," she said of Leon.
"Is Leon in trouble?" Ant asked as they walked away.
"Nothing to worry about. I'll give him back good as new," Bernie promised.
Ant was satisfied with that, but Phillip felt bad leaving Leon to her mercy. He wasn't exactly given a choice, so all he could do was give Leon an encouraging smile as he left.
*
Leon wanted to laugh at Phillip's parting look of commiseration, but as he turned back to Bernie, he got a little worried. She was white-haired, grandmotherly, and kind of scary now that he was left alone with her.
"I don't know about inside, but this place doesn't seem so bad," Leon said to make conversation. He had noticed that the grounds were huge and well maintained. Plus all the old people he saw so far seemed even too sprightly.
"You can say the same thing about some people," Bernie said, but she had no complaints about Ivy Gate. "It's thanks to your Phillip that I'm here with Lilly."
"He is something. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for Ant."
Bernie nodded. "I was a little worried when Ant went to live with his uncle, that he and Lilly would lose touch. But he's here all the time, and there is no doubt in my mind that Ant is a happy boy. I don't see that pinched and worried look he used to get whenever Lilly wasn't feeling well."
Leon remembered the look. He had seen it on that little boy who was waiting on the steps for his Gran-gran to come back, but maybe he was waiting for more than that – the same way Leon had waited and waited. Except in his case, no one came to sit next to him and to say, "I'm here now. Everything is going to be all right."
Now Leon smiled to himself thinking of how Ant and Phillip sat together on the concrete steps of that rundown apartment building. That day, he had seen a wonderful thing happen. "Having someone who is devoted to him, would do anything for him – that's everything to a helpless little kid," Leon said.