Thiede frowned. ‘I see. Of course this shouldn’t matter now…’
Lileem reached out to touch Thiede’s arm. ‘You’re allowed to feel something about this,’ she said. ‘It must be a shock.’
‘I don’t know if it’s that,’ Thiede said. He looked at Darq. ‘I ran away, I escaped, so I must have ruined their plans, whoever they were.’
Darq shook his head. ‘No, Thiede. You might think that you escaped a life you hated, but in reality you were… released.’
‘Like a virus,’ Thiede said. He exhaled slowly. ‘I did their work for them. What an astounding revelation.’
There was a silence, which Lileem eventually broke. ‘What about Kamagrian?’ she asked. ‘If Opalexian wasn’t the complete success that her creators wanted, then why are there so many of us?’
‘That’s because Kamagrian is a Wraeththu tribe,’ Darq said, ‘just like any other.’
Lileem laughed impulsively, then sobered. ‘What do you mean?’
Darq gestured at her. ‘Well, that’s a slight exaggeration. Women can be incepted, by Kamagrian or even hara. I’ve proved that.’
‘But you’re different.’
Darq shrugged. ‘I know, and the first hara clearly were incapable of incepting females, but things are changing. Not that it’s too relevant now, since inceptions have become few. The fact is that an incepted female could turn out to be either har or parage. An incepted male is always har.’
Lileem put her hands to her face. ‘I can’t believe it. All this time we’ve been so wrong. How do we tell the difference?’
Darq poured himself more wine. ‘Kamagrian lean towards a soume aspect,’ he said, ‘and certainly have superior psychic abilities to Wraeththu, but essentially they’re not that different from hara. A lot of it is down to how individuals see themselves. Kamagrian identify with the soume aspect more, not just physically, but in another more spiritual sense. Divozenky told me that if a har or parage leans more towards one aspect, it shouldn’t be seen as wrong, or as being like a human. We’ll never be that. We are what we are, and we should be free to express ourselves as we like. There are different spiritual facets to soume and ouana. The terms male and female don’t accurately apply to them; we just use them for convenience, because that’s what first generation hara understood. It’s our job to expand knowledge and experience, to truly embrace our potential.’
Lileem pursed her lips. ‘This sounds like paradise to me, but we can’t get away from the fact that very strange things happen if a parage takes aruna with a har.’
Darq nodded. ‘We’ll need to undertake our own experiments,’ he said, ‘because Divozenky wouldn’t tell me everything. She said that she’d give us information about the past, but we should discover the future for ourselves. For that, of course, we’ll need Opalexian’s co-operation.’
Lileem groaned.
‘There is always a downside to every miracle,’ Thiede said sardonically. He took a biscuit and bit into it. Darq thought Thiede looked somewhat dazed, which was unusual for him, but perhaps not that surprising, given what he’d heard.
‘Kamagrian are not like Opalexian,’ Darq said. ‘She is unique. She’s very strong psychically, but as an androgyne, she can’t procreate. That was why she was a failure and Thiede wasn’t.’ He gestured at Thiede. ‘Well, I know you haven’t actually had harlings yourself, but those you incepted have.’ He turned back to Lileem. ‘What I’m really glad to tell you is that Kamagrian as a whole are as capable of reproduction as any other har.’
‘Are you sure about that?’ Lileem asked. ‘No parazha have ever had harlings or…’ she grinned, ‘…parazharlings!’
Darq grinned also. ‘I don’t know about that, but I do know that their views of aruna have been influenced by Opalexian, and she’s desired to maintain a certain status quo. Have any of you have actually tried to make pearls?’
Lileem pulled down the corners of her mouth. ‘I really can’t say. I know I haven’t thought of it, but that’s just me. I’m not exactly the domestic type.’
‘Well, when you go to Shilalama, it’s something you can discuss with your tribe,’ Darq said.
‘You can be sure that I will!’
Thiede’s expression was thoughtful. ‘There are political implications in this that it’s Wraeththu’s job to address,’ he said. ‘Parazha born to hara shouldn’t be cast out or regarded as unnatural.’ He looked at Darq. ‘This will require education. Hara fear Kamagrian harlings, because they are seen as symbols of reverting to a human state. They’ll need to get over that. If a parage is born to a har, it should be her choice whether she leaves her tribe to become Roselane or stays with them. Do you agree, Lileem?’
‘In principle,’ she said. ‘This information is all too new to make such judgments. As you said, it’ll require education and discussion. But it presents astounding possibilities, to say the least.’
‘Even I can see that it does,’ Darq said, ‘and I have little knowledge or experience of the situation. As far as I see it, Wraeththu and Kamagrian should work towards making hara understand that parazha aren’t freaks but simply a variation.’
Lileem nodded. ‘We still can’t ignore that a har and a parage can cause striking effects on reality, if they come together physically. As you said, this must be studied, but then I’ve always thought that. What we need is the freedom and openness to do it. We know more about the otherlanes now.’ She sighed. ‘You know, Mima and I always thought we were har. It was just others who told us we weren’t.’ She grimaced. ‘Opalexian isn’t going to like any of this one little bit, Darq.’
‘She’ll have to accept it,’ Thiede said. ‘She can’t hide her head in the sand any longer.’
‘Well,’ Lileem said, ‘she was afraid of her parazha taking aruna with hara and then popping out of existence. It wasn’t an unreasonable fear, really. To give her the benefit of the doubt, I think she was mainly concerned about our safety.’
‘Divozenky spoke to me about you specifically,’ Darq said.
Lileem’s eyebrows went up. ‘Really? What did she say?’
‘Just that you are Kamagrian’s natural leader.’
Lileem blinked a few times. ‘She said that?’
Darq nodded. ‘She said that Opalexian should be like Thiede, a spiritual mentor, the highest of hienamas, but leadership should fall to a parage with the proper understanding and capabilities. That’s you! Congratulations.’
Lileem didn’t react with embarrassment as Darq expected. ‘I know you’re right,’ she said. ‘I am the natural archon of Roselane. There were many things I was unhappy with when I lived in Shilalama. I’m not so modest as to pretend I’m not itching to get back there and make changes. But first there’s Opalexian to deal with.’
‘Oh dear,’ Thiede said, smiling, ‘does this mean I have to go and talk to her?’
‘Perhaps you should,’ Lileem said. ‘She looks on you as a brother, despite the fact you’ve always disagreed on things.’ She put a hand on one of Thiede’s arms. ‘Will you help me? I’m not sure Opalexian sees herself as being a distanced mentor for her kind. She was always reclusive, but it was clear who held the reins in Roselane.’
‘Of course I’ll help you,’ Thiede said. ‘It’s about time Opalexian and I overcame our differences. Some fur might fly, but…’
‘I think she already knows how things will be,’ Darq said. ‘Divozenky didn’t imply you’d have a problem. You might be surprised when you get back home, Lileem. Opalexian might simply have been waiting for you to return.’
‘Hmm, I hope you’re right,’ Lileem said. ‘You didn’t see what she was like when I had my little fling with Terez! She’s against the idea of parazha and hara being together. Even if she allowed me to lead, she’d still advocate separatism.’ She raked her fingers through her hair. ‘Well, dealing with her will be part of my job. I can brace myself to confront it. And now I’m armed with information that comes from the greatest source possible; our own world.’
Darquiel felt he was working systematically through a list of jobs that had to be accomplished. He saved the most difficult until last: Loki. They met fairly regularly, which was unavoidable in Phaonica, but did not converse about the one thing they really needed to lay to rest.
Loki wondered if Darq would ever talk about it, and harbored the frightening paranoia that what he’d done would be a monstrous specter hanging between them for the rest of their lives. He could see how much Pellaz loved Darq, and that was difficult to accept. Loki was no longer the golden harling who’d never had cause to say sorry. He knew, from the moment he’d come back to his senses in Thanatep, that life could never be the same for him again. He felt that hara treated him with wariness now. They were always too jovial around him, as if they were humoring him. Cal was still the same, of course, and often tried to initiate a deep discussion, but Loki couldn’t bear the thought of it. He saw the concern in Cal’s eyes and hated it. He didn’t want pity.
The first thing Loki had had to face on his return to Immanion was a series of tests at the Infirmary to make sure the influence of the Aasp no longer remained in his mind. That was humiliating. He had let Zikael influence him. He’d done the very thing he’d vowed he’d never do. He had let his family down. It didn’t matter how many times Cal and Caeru reassured him they did not blame him for anything; he blamed himself. Pellaz asked Loki to work for him closely, clearly in an effort to make him feel better, and there were frequent visits to Freygard when he could talk things over with Galdra. But even though Galdra, like Cal, was keen for Loki to open up to him, Loki found it difficult because he felt so ashamed.
Also, Loki could not help but feel he was an insignificant piece of rock in comparison to the blazing sun of harakind that was Darquiel. Maybe his brother was an aberration, as Zikael had insisted, but he was not evil. He was simply a har with greater abilities than most. He could have turned out bad, but he hadn’t.
Loki dreamed constantly of the moment he’d plunged the knife into Darq’s chest. Darq had asked him to do it, and at the time Loki had partially regained his senses, but another part of him had still been full of hate, and it was this part that had guided the blade. Loki could not forgive himself for that. It was not part of the har he’d wanted to be and he wasn’t sure who he was now.
He was surrounded by hara who loved him, and who tried to help him get over the past, but he felt distant from them. He knew this hurt Geburael, who also had grief to deal with, namely his conflicting feelings over the fate of Diablo. Loki knew he should be helping Geburael with that, but hadn’t the energy to think about it. They were never intimate. Aruna too had become tainted for Loki. He’d taken aruna with Diablo, for Aru’s sake. At the time, he’d wanted to. Geburael didn’t know about this. Nohar did. If Loki’s mind even skimmed over that event he felt utter self-loathing.
While struggling with all these issues, Loki was forced to watch as Darq straightened out his life to perfection; getting things in order, finding his place in Immanion, reporting to everyhar what the world wanted. As if I can compete with that! Loki thought. Also, he noticed that as the weeks progressed, Geburael spent more time with Darq, presumably because he was better company than Loki now was. Sometimes, Loki felt very jealous of Darq, and then berated himself for that too. Perhaps he should just disappear. Maybe Ponclast and Abrimel needed an assistant in their distant, rarefied realm.
The festival of Rosatide takes place eight weeks after Natalia, and is a time in Immanion for parties and feasting. It is the time when sap begins to rise in the trees and the hold of winter begins to weaken. Caeru had organised a huge event in Phaonica, and had invited the Parasilians from Galhea, who had yet to meet Darquiel. Loki was hardly looking forward to it. He’d be forced to watch, once again, as hara fawned over his brother and listened in awe to his heroic exploits. What could they possibly say to him? ‘Oh, you’re the one who hated Darq and stabbed him, almost fatally. How lucky that what you did helped him save the world.’
Two days before the event, Loki confronted Caeru in the Tigrina’s apartments, and asked if he could be excused from the party; perhaps he could visit Freygard instead. But Caeru was adamant. ‘No, Loki. You must be there. Think how it would look otherwise.’ He took Loki’s face in his hands and kissed him. ‘Come on, now. Just relax. We all want you to be there.’ He stroked Loki’s hair. ‘I just wish you’d let us in a little. We love you.’
Loki pulled away. ‘All right. I’ll be there.’
He walked away from Caeru’s bewildered concern and went out into the palace gardens. It had been a bright afternoon, but now dusk was approaching. Small white flowers that hara call Eburniel’s Tears had begun to sprout in the moist earth beneath the leafless trees. New life. Soon the soft murmur of regrowth would become a glorious shout.
Loki sat down in the rose garden, in a gazebo that was covered in dead climbers. There were no hara around, because the gardeners had already finished work for the day. Loki put his head in his hands and wept. He couldn’t imagine how life could improve for him.
Then a soft mind touch caressed his thoughts. Loki…
He looked up, wiped his face. Somehar was standing at the entrance to the rose garden, about twenty feet away. He saw that it was Darquiel.
Loki stood up. He meant to go back to the palace by another route. He couldn’t face Darq now.
Don’t go.
Loki hesitated, then waited while Darq came to him. It was unfair this har was so radiant. In the half-light, his black hair glowed with golden strands. ‘The Parasilians are arriving tomorrow,’ Darq said. ‘You, Geb and I are supposed to be holding a dinner for the second generation hara. I thought I should come and speak to you about it.’
‘Don’t worry,’ Loki said. ‘Our staff will see to it. There’s nothing to organise.’
Darq shrugged. ‘Well, are there any things I should know?’
Loki grimaced. ‘I suppose it might be difficult. Aleeme and Azriel were captured and tortured by Ponclast some years ago. I don’t know how they’ll react to Geb, but I guess they must already know he’ll be here.’
‘Hmm, right…’
‘Yeah…’ There was a silence.
Darq folded his arms and sighed. ‘Oh, this is bullshit! You know why I’m here.’
Loki swallowed. ‘What do you want to say?’
‘Stop beating yourself up, Loki. You were used, brain-washed.’
‘I was weak enough to let that happen,’ Loki said. ‘You wouldn’t have been.’
Darq rolled his eyes and laughed. ‘What? You think so? Ookami was possessed by Velaxis, and he’s one of the most disciplined hara I know. You’ve no reason to be ashamed, really. Ookami wants to beat six shades of blood out of Vel, and he knows he can’t, which really annoys him. But he’s forgiven himself. He’s just moved beyond it.’ Darq paused and suggested carefully: ‘Maybe you should talk to him.’
‘No,’ Loki said. ‘I don’t want to. Thanks for the concern but…’
‘Shut up!’ Darq said. He took hold of Loki’s arms. ‘Look, what will it take to stop this?’ He shook his brother. ‘What? I can’t bear it, Loki, and Geb’s out of his mind with worry. Stop indulging yourself.’
‘Indulging myself?’ Loki felt a stirring of anger.
‘Well, you are! I bear you no ill will, and neither does anyhar else. The only har who blames you is yourself.’
Loki brushed Darq’s hands away roughly. ‘You have no idea!’ he said. ‘How dare you! You know nothing.’
Darq folded his arms again. ‘Nohar does, because you don’t say anything.’
Loki hesitated. He felt words rising within him, like blood from a wound. He realised he wouldn’t be able to stop what he’d say next. ‘Before I attacked you…’ He closed his eyes and spoke quickly. ‘I took aruna with Diablo. I let him feed me with his essence, to give me the power to kill you. I became somehar else, somehar foul. I despised Diablo. He repulsed me, yet I did it. I craved it.’
Darq was silent
and Loki opened his eyes. ‘See! Now you know. Still so forgiving?’
It was fully dark now, yet the delicate cups of Eburniel’s Tears still glowed beneath the trees and the moon had begun to rise. Darq sighed. ‘Yes, I do see,’ he said. ‘That must have been…’ He shook his head. ‘Vile.’
‘At the time, it wasn’t,’ Loki said. ‘That’s the problem.’
Darq screwed up his face. ‘Hmm…’ He nodded. ‘I understand. I was wrong in what I said about self-indulgence. I’d have trouble with that too.’
‘Geb doesn’t know,’ Loki said.
‘You know you have to tell him,’ Darq said. ‘For you two to be OK again, you have to.’
Loki pushed back his hair from his forehead. ‘I’m not sure we can be OK. We weren’t exactly OK to start with. Also… well, I’ll always be the har who stabbed you in the chest.’
Unexpectedly, Darq laughed. ‘Yes, you will. Think about it; it’s good that you were. If it had been Geb, hara wouldn’t have been so forgiving, I’m sure.’
Loki sighed. ‘I suppose so.’ He realised then that his heart felt lighter. Perhaps it was simply because he’d squeezed a little poison from it.
‘You look better,’ Darq said tentatively. ‘Has it helped to talk a bit?’
‘Yes, yes, it has.’
‘Then we should do it more. We’re brothers. I want to help, and that isn’t patronizing, so don’t take it that way. It’s inconvenient if you’re loopy, OK?’
Loki pushed Darq’s arm playfully. ‘Why does it have to be perfect you who makes me feel better? It’s not fair. Are you useless at anything?’
Darq pulled a face. ‘Doing what I’m told?’ He linked an arm through one of Loki’s. ‘Let’s go in and find Geb. We could go out for dinner. Then…’ He squeezed Loki’s arm. ‘You can work on just how OK you and Geb can be.’
‘It’s not going to be that easy,’ Loki said.
‘I know, but…’ Darq smiled. ‘We survived. All four of us.’
Loki narrowed his eyes. ‘Four of us?’
‘You, Geb, Lileem and me. Four second generation hara. In the future, hara will talk about Thanatep, and what we did there, and that we survived.’ Darq kissed Loki’s cheek. ‘That’s all that matters.’
The Ghosts of Blood and Innocence Page 50