Ava sniffled and obeyed.
“Now come over here and sit on my cock.”
She settled herself over him, perversely frustrated when Sevastian laid his hands high on her back and away from her sore bottom.
His voice gentled from the sneering tone of before. “If you keep crying I won’t make you feel good. You want to feel good now, don’t you?”
Ava nodded, thrilled to know of the comfort awaiting her, yet dissatisfied. Guilt gnawed at the edges of her contentment. Their interactions were all grounded in glorious order.
Punishment first. Pleasure second. Peace third.
Ava’s need had become their ritual, a sacrament for all things to be measured by. What was dirty could become clean. Tranquility made out of overwhelming chaos and emptiness filled.
So why did she want to break their sacred array? Why did she want more? Why was she plotting a way to stay in the first column longer?
Sevastian’s hand pulled Ava down by putting firm pressure on her neck. “Kiss me, my filthy girl. Kiss me and make it better.”
She pressed her open mouth against his. Sevastian tasted of all things wonderfully familiar yet delightfully strange. He was the same man she had been sleeping with for almost two years but different. Play relaxed him, made Sevastian into someone he could never be outside of this room.
Cruel without conscience.
Petty without reasoning.
Happy without boundaries.
Perfect without pressure.
“Open your legs wider. Good girl.”
Ava sighed as she felt him slide into her. Their gentle rhythm was a wordless welcome, communicating that despite their play they really were still just Sevastian and Ava—even if she was increasingly enthralled with the violent side of being not-Sevastian and not-Ava.
“Are you ready to be my love?”
Ava’s tongue caressed his; swallowing Sevastian’s words like the precious delicacy they were. He always asked her this question when they made love. It was their safeword phrase, one designed that long ago morning when her admittance cleaved life neatly in two.
Usually she answered, “Yes.” The games stopped and normalcy took over. This time her reluctance betrayed her.
Exquisite pain, that beautiful harbinger of all things silent and profound, had already opened her up. It filled all the empty spaces with light brought by blinding snaps of sensation. Ava, cured of her strangeness for another day, had come back into the world, fresh and able to be one with it again. So there was no reason to continue their play.
None except that Ava didn’t want to finish.
She wanted to slip back into emptiness. She needed it to justify prolonging Sevastian’s torment.
He opened his eyes and looked into hers. Confusion flashed, curving contours into his brow for a moment, before falling away. Sevastian kissed her one more time before pulling her head back brutally. He ignored her pained cries and twisted harder. With one hand clenched in her disheveled hair, Sevastian ordered, “Ride me and make it good, you little slut.”
“Yes, your Lordship.”
“Harder!”
Using her knees for leverage, Ava rocked up before slamming back down. Mindful of the hand still knotted in her hair, she worked his cock just as he liked it and tried to bury her guilt.
Unfortunately, Sevastian’s obstinate contrarianism made it impossible. He yanked her forward, pressing his lips hard against hers. He punctuated each criticism with a sharp crack against her backside.
“Not like that!”
…
“Your fucking is just as inept as your cleaning. How many times do I have to show you how it is to be done?”
…
“Do it again! That’s right. Up slow…down fast…good girl!”
…
His abuse wasn’t enough. She needed more. The monolithic space inside her demanded it. Something dirty fused onto Ava’s craving, clouding the purity of purpose. Her hips faltered and she suffered the viciousness of Sevastian’s tongue.
“Are you stupid? This isn’t what you just did.”
…
“I swear you’re vexing me on purpose. You are, aren’t you?”
…
“Answer me, idiot!”
“No…yes! No, my lord.”
Sevastian forced Ava onto her back with one wicked snap of his wrist. “Well, which is it? Yes or no?”
“I don’t know!” Tears leaked out. They flowed as a maddened expression of overloaded, conflicting sensations. Her mind spun erratically. Had she forgotten what all this was supposed to be about?
“That answer is completely unacceptable. Am I going to have to beat you again?”
Ava didn’t cry harder because of Sevastian’s threat. She trusted him. She trusted him with this dark, unreasonable side of her psyche. She feared she’d taken things too far already. She’d never had him hit her for as long as he had tonight. Now would be the time to call it. Games over. Normal life back.
Her craving consumed her, narrowing all of Ava’s focus onto one thing.
Pain.
Ava damned all her mental calculations, abandoned her guilt, and jumped into the abyss.
“Please beat me, my lord. I’m so unworthy of you. I’m a disgusting woman. Weak and worthless.”
* * *
Danger spiked. Sevastian yanked Ava off the bed and slammed her face-first into the wall.
“Don’t move an inch, my little slut.”
She babbled a nonsensical mix of vexing pleadings and husky promises.
Sevastian took the cheap cotton and deliberately tore it from her body. Ava’s submission drugged him. He wanted to reassemble her clothes just so he could repeat the violent process.
“You’re defying me at every turn. I’ve been merciful to you so far, haven’t I?” Ava’s silence inspired him to dig his fingers into her neck. “I asked you a question. I expect you to answer it.”
She hiccupped several times. “Yes, my lord.”
“You’re a bad girl, aren’t you?”
“Yes!”
“What should I do with you?”
“Whatever you want.”
Sevastian leaned into her. “Your agreeability won’t save you now, idiot. Obedience would have but you didn’t want to be a good girl, did you? No. You wanted to be bad. Very bad. Isn’t that right?”
Ava nodded frantically.
“I’m going to hurt you. Do you understand?”
“Yes!”
Her wail made him nuzzle her naked back. “Beg for mercy and I’ll reconsider.” Sevastian couldn’t resist tasting Ava’s skin. He shuddered. The need to tear into her, to make her cry, to make her feel for him drove Sevastian dizzyingly close to the edge. “Beg me now.”
She turned around carefully. Wetness trailed down her flushed face. Ava’s disheveled hair, swollen eyes, flushed skin, and trembling lips had never been as beautiful to him as they were at that moment. Sevastian wanted to worship her. She was his goddess; the benefactor of a life he never knew existed but could now never live without.
Ava pressed her face against his, whispered the profane, and leaned back.
It took him a moment to realize the moisture gliding down his cheek wasn’t an imprint from her tears but spit. The explicit favor of his beloved idol broke apart his reserve. Sevastian lost himself in the glorious maelstrom of freedom.
The freedom to be terrible.
The freedom to be unprincipled.
The freedom to be loved.
“You fucking whore! Never? You think to say ‘never’ to me? You dare spit on me?” He released her hair in favor of her neck. “Open your filthy mouth! Now!” Sevastian waited until Ava complied before releasing a burst of saliva. “Swallow!”
She trembled beneath his hand. It tightened. Sevastian watched her gasp for several moments before releasing the suffocating pressure. “Clean me off.” He stiffened, locking his limbs to stave off the shivering her small, agile tongue created.
“I’m not sorry.”
Sevastian slammed Ava back into the wall. Once. Twice. “Your provoking of me will only make things worse for you, my girl.”
“I don’t care.”
“You don’t, do you? I’ll be sure to remedy that.” Sevastian grabbed Ava’s arm and tossed her onto the bed. “On your stomach. Ass in the air. Now!”
He waited until she reluctantly obeyed before picking up the discarded riding crop. Sevastian flexed the malleable device. “You’ve lost your mind to push me this far.”
“Please, my lord. Please.”
Sevastian looked to her, poised between himself and his other wicked self, awaiting her denouncement. “One last time. Are you ready to be my love?”
Ava turned her face towards him. Her eyes spoke, no, demanded he give her what she needed. What else could he do but comply?
Sevastian grinned and patted her cheek with insolent care. “Don’t blame me when you find yourself unable to sit for the next week.” With that cheerful warning, he raised his arm and struck.
Over and over again the crop landed against her writhing body.
Over and over again Ava screamed.
Over and over again Sevastian laughed.
When his last strike split the skin, he lunged forward and licked the blood off her back. He kicked her legs apart, pulled down his pants and thrust into Ava. Pounding into her like a demon possessed, Sevastian found breaking his rules was bliss. Fucking his woman while she cried was better than anything in the whole world.
* * *
Ava’s hips snapped up as far as his hands allowed her. Digging deep, his fingers were an effective clamp. She had no choice but to stay bent, open to his invasion.
Which had gone on for hours.
Sevastian had fucked her, dangling Ava over the edge, only to pull away and punish her.
He had whipped and spanked her repeatedly, ensuring she’d be wearing his cuts and bruises for weeks. He had made her crawl for him. He had shoved himself in her mouth. He had held her against the wall while thrusting his fingers between her legs.
He had used her thoroughly.
The most delicious part hadn’t been the physical pleasure found in Sevastian’s torments. It had been the razor balance he kept between cruelty and kindness. Drugging kisses followed sharp cracks across her thighs. Gentle hair ruffles came after vicious tugs on her scalp. Crushing hugs chased rough pushes to the floor.
Even at his worst, Ava had felt crazed devotion from Sevastian. His attention fixated on every part of her experience. Their faces were often only inches away. Flayed open, Ava was his to inspect, his to judge, and his to use.
Ava screamed in demented lust when Sevastian abruptly bit into her shoulder. Nothing had ever felt as good as the violation she had just actively instigated. Ava had never felt so loved.
“Do you want to come?”
Sevastian’s throaty growl thrilled her. She rasped the words in answer, “Only if you give me leave to, my lord.”
“That’s my good girl. She’s come to heel like a good bitch, hasn’t she?”
Ava wanted to babble love words to him. She wanted to kiss his feet. She wanted him to tear her into oblivion. Ava instead nodded frantically and hoped he would be pleased.
“That’s too bad,” Sevastian hissed in her ear. “You don’t get to come tonight. Instead, you get to suffer for being so defiant. Thank me for seeing to your punishment.”
Ava whimpered her thanks. When he turned her over, she did little to stifle the shrill yell. Her entire back and legs were a hot, throbbing mess. Sevastian’s grip on her thighs birthed another ragged cry.
Sevastian looked down on her. “Are you going to defy me again?” Sevastian’s wolfish grin widened much like her thighs—vulgar and remorseless. “I hope you do, slut. Then I can fuck you again…just…like…this.”
Ava fastened on his beloved face as he came. She observed Sevastian in a way she had never took the time to before. Ava studied every ripple, every tic. She adored how his mouth curled into a luscious pout. She noted the way his beautiful, blue eyes hardened before losing focus. He looked empty, deflated of everything except peace. His blond hair assumed the angelic qualities of a halo.
Watching him, knowing what had to be endured to achieve drugging bliss, Ava knew things could never be the same. In knowing, she understood exactly what she wanted now. She wanted this to be their life. Always. No games. No stringent methodology. Just this.
Ava smiled; giddy to share this bit of hard-earned knowledge. She reached up and stroked his cheek. “Sevastian?”
He tiredly kissed her palm and grinned. “Are you ready to be my love?”
The abyss hurled her out. Shame decimated her.
* * *
Ava’s liquid misery intrinsically tied Sevastian’s freedom into a messy knot.
She wasn’t surrendering to him anymore. Somewhere along the line Sevastian had lost her.
It was intolerable.
Sevastian’s sleepiness evaporated. He sat on the bed. Her tears were separate, apart from him and all they shared. They castigated him.
“What did I do wrong, Ava? Did I go too far? Did I hurt you too much? If so, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
She looked at him, face miserable and heavy with emotion too great to share.
“Please, Ava. Tell me what I did wrong so I won’t do it again.”
She scrambled up and wrapped her arms around his neck. “It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for doing this to you.”
Sevastian squeezed Ava’s waist while burying his face against her shoulder. “No, it isn’t. I misread you tonight. I was too caught up in the moment. That kind of irresponsibility is unforgivable.”
“Stop. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Her voice warbled, becoming a tiny, repentant thing. “I told you already. It’s me.”
“What happened?”
Ava stilled. Her breath stuttered. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
The blood leeched from his face. “Did…did you feel…did you feel that I raped you?”
“No!”
Ava shoved him back. The horrified expression convinced Sevastian of her sincerity. Relieved, he sank into the bed. “Thank God. I don’t know what I would do if you thought that. I’d want to die.”
She sniffled. “No, it’s nothing like that, Sevastian.”
“Then what happened? Why are you crying like this?”
Her entire back seemed to ripple from the force of holding her tears at bay. The marks he put on there, once beautiful, now reflected ugly brutality. Nausea soured his stomach. “I went too far.”
“You didn’t go too far. I did.”
Sevastian shot back up. “No, Ava. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m to blame for this—not you.”
“Please stop!” Her arm whipped out. As a barrier it was more than effective. “I know you’re trying to be thoughtful by taking the blame onto yourself but this isn’t something you need to shoulder.”
“Then explain it to me.”
His hard, clipped words seemed to have the effect of a slap. Ava pulled her legs up and withdrew into herself.
“I know you’re angry. You should be. You signed up for one thing and I tried to change the terms without your consent. For that I’m sorry. I don’t hold anything against you, Sevastian.”
“Wait a minute—”
“Be quiet.”
Ava jumped up. She wiped her eyes with the heel of her palms. When her hands fell to the sides, she seemed a different person. She became the functioning automaton once more. Her words held no emotion. They were corrupted by their lack of sentimentality.
“Thank you for helping me as long as you have. I really appreciate it. I’m very sorry it’s turned out this way. You truly are the most magnificent experience of my life.”
“You sound as if you’re dismissing me.” His laughter died when she didn’t join him. Sevastian shook his head in disbelief. “W
hat are you doing? Are you trying to end things between us?”
“It’s time for you to go now.”
He bounded off the bed. The urge to put his hands on her, to hold Ava against him, to make her obey him, rode Sevastian hard.
“I’m not leaving.”
“Yes, you will.”
“No!”
“You will because I’m asking you to.”
Sevastian gripped her wrist. It felt impossibly fragile in his hand. He could break it, break her, with very little effort. Heady power receded into the acceptance of tremendous responsibility. He could never hurt her without explicit permission. “After everything we’ve done, everything we’ve been to one another, this is how you’re going to handle it? We need to talk.”
Ava’s shuttered gaze chilled him.
“It’s too much.”
Three words severed Sevastian. Numbness swirled from feet to head. His neck swayed as if fighting an impossible current.
Ava closed her eyes and repeated the words.
Sevastian found himself answering, “I’ll leave then. I’m sorry, Ava.”
He couldn’t remember how long it took him to get home. He couldn’t pinpoint what time he arrived. Sprawled on his back, abandoned on the bed with the charring memory of Ava’s face when she said, “It’s too much,” Sevastian realized he had never told her he loved her.
And for the first time in his adult life he cried.
* * *
Ava turned away all consulting work, speaking engagements, and appointments. She shut off her phone. Sitting very still for hours in her windowless room, Ava surrendered to the mental slaughter.
Days bled into weeks.
She ate when hunger dictated. She slept when given no other choice. She functioned as needed but nothing further. Faced with the problem of how to keep Sevastian, Ava found for once in her life, when it really counted, her brilliance failed her. There were no solutions to untangle what had occurred between them. Silence her only companion in this bizarre half-state, Ava finally broke down when the last of her bruises healed.
Curled up on the floor, sobbing for all she had lost, Ava wanted to go back to that time before. She wanted to be Sevastian and Ava again. No games. No violence. No sick need to find freedom in pain.
Not because she regretted what they had done.
Cry for Me (A Dark Erotica Novella) Page 2