by Gail Giles
“I'm trying too hard?” Scott said when Ben returned. “Talk like an old guy?”
Ben rubbed his chin, trying to hide his grin. “It happens to all of us.”
“What? What happens?” Scott demanded.
“We find out we're not cool.”
“I am cool. That kid was the product of poor toilet training. I am cool.”
“I stand corrected. Let's talk to the best friend.”
KYLE
“I didn't come home much the first year I was in college. I managed to avoid Thanksgiving by going camping with an Eco Friends group, so it was Christmas before I saw David. Since that September he must have lost fifteen pounds, and he didn't have it to lose. He looked tired and listless and kept his head down and answered in monotones around Mom.”
I got him alone in our room. “What the hell is going on?”
He started crying. “It's worse than ever. I could take it when you were here. Dad stays gone all the time and now she doesn't stop. She just keeps going off on me. For anything. For nothing. I can't think. I can't study. My grades are shit and that makes her mad. I have to come straight home from school and go to my room. No TV. She moved the computer downstairs and I can't use it unless she sits right behind me to make sure I'm doing school stuff. She comes in and out of my room to ‘check’ on me, but she stays there and tells me that I'm lazy, that I'm just like Dad, that I give up rather than stick with something, that I'm stupid. You've heard it all, just multiply by about a hundred.”
David curled into fetal position.
“I'll do something,” I said. “I don't know what. But I'll take care of this.”
“You can't,” he said. “Nobody can.”
But I tried. Dad took off the day after Christmas; we didn't even ask what trip or where and even why he needed to sell drugs during the holidays. I cornered Mom with her morning coffee.
“Mom, you need to let up on David.”
“David isn't your concern.”
“He's my brother.”
She raked her fingers through her hair, massaging her temples. “If I hadn't birthed him myself, I'd find it impossible to believe.”
“That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about, Mom. You have to stop saying shit like that.”
She glared at me, but I locked on to the glare with my own. Something flickered and her bottom lip softened slightly and she looked away, like she was bored.
“A semester of college and you think you know it all. You don't know crap.”
“Then tell me. Tell me why you do this to him. And don't give me that BS about David ruining your life. He didn't do anything to you. The kid got born. That wasn't his fault. That was your fault. Yours and Dad's.”
Mom pulled back as if I'd slapped her.
“You don't understand. You're still young and have it all in front of you. You read, you think, you make good grades, and you know what you want. David could do that too. But he's wasting it. He's just throwing it away. Like his father did. Just like I did. I can't stand seeing it.”
“Mom—”
“What happened to this family when life got tough? Your father caved. He just quit. And he's been quitting ever since. He's a loser and I can't leave him because I don't know how to make it on my own. I got to graduation with the best boyfriend but with C's and D's and no skills at all. It was more important to condition my hair and do my nails than homework. I worried more about how to cross my legs so my butt looked good than about what the teacher might be saying. My mother married well and all she taught me was how to do the same thing. Well, it turns out I didn't even marry well!
“David's just like your father. He won't stand up and fight. He has to toughen up. This world is going to walk all over him if he doesn't learn to get tough. He's a crybaby and he has to get over it. You're not helping him, Kyle. You think you're protecting him from me, and from the bullies at school, but you're just making him weak.”
“Do you love David? Tell me the truth, Mom. Do you love David at all?”
“I do what I have to do,” she said.
“I wondered if she might be right. Was I making David weaker?
“And Mom thought it was her job to make him tough.
“One thought nagged me. While Mom didn't love David, did she love her ‘job’ a little too much?”
CASS
Kyle pounded the shovel again.
If I could get out of this crate, I would send every one of Kyle's teeth flying with one good whack of that shovel and then cram it down his newly excavated mouth.
My head hurt and I felt like shit. And it was hard to think about anything but how thirsty I was. I couldn't get it right all the time. It was so hard to concentrate.
“Mom was getting what she wanted, but Dad was having a hard time. And then a mistake happened. David. Two kids were more than Dad could handle with med school. He quit.”
I learned my lesson and stayed quiet. I think the pauses were Kyle deciding what to tell me, how much of my talking he could tolerate. That was important to know.
“And Mom didn't get to be a doctor's wife. Dad's a pharmaceutical rep. Yup, he peddles drugs. Legal ones, of course. Not quite what Mom had planned. And in her mind, it was all David's fault. He crashed her party. The way I see it, Dad never had what it takes to be a doctor, but Mom refuses to believe she misjudged him so far back. And Dad is still her paycheck. She can't be mad at him, so she gets twice as mad at David. And here's the deal. I look like Mom. David looks like Dad.
“Life handed David a heaping pile of shit, and no matter how deep he dug, he was never going to find a pony.”
Kyle went quiet for a bit. Wandering down memory lane, I guess. I wiggled around a little. I didn't think I could say anything right now. I'd wait him out. I arched my back, but it seized up and cramped. I was getting colder and stiff. Kyle still wasn't talking. I had to take a chance.
“How do you know all this stuff? That she got pregnant with you to trap your dad? That she blamed David for your dad not being a doctor?”
That sound that was supposed to be a laugh. “I think my mother was always mean, but she covered it up with cute when she was young. So she could get what she wanted. But when cute faded away, mean was all she had left. You understand?”
I thought about my head tilt/grin. What would I have when I wasn't young enough to carry that off? The idea of Dad needing me to be a McBride to marry well…
“I don't have a dress,” Mom said.
Dad had just shown us an invitation. He was Businessman of the Year. Small pond, big fish, but he was strutting anyway.
“Leatha, I know you hate these things. Don't bother. Cass will go with me,” he said.
I watched, knew a moment was here. Mom locked eyes with Dad. She broke first and turned away. It was done. Dad had chosen sides. Picked the team, but I could change it. I could…
Dad handed me his Visa. “Sky's the limit,” he said. “Make your old dad look good.”
I kept losing focus. I was too slow processing information.
Then it hit me.
“She told you?”
“Oh, she told me. Over and over and over. I think she was drunk the first time, but usually she wasn't. She told me when she was pissed, and when she was feeling sorry for herself. And she told David. Told him that he was the reason Dad wasn't a doctor, but practically a traveling salesman, and that was why she wasn't invited to join the country club, and David was the reason we don't live in the ‘best’ neighborhood, and David was the reason her life was a social and financial disaster.”
“Oh.” I whispered it. What did I write in the note? How low on the food chain…
“Yeah, oh.”
“Was she mean to you? Or just to David?” The question stopped him again. I waited him out.
“She was screwy about it. Sometimes she would…play us off each other, or…” Silence again.
“There's so much stuff, it gets hard to remember—but one that stands out was prom my senior year. I came dow
n the stairs in my tux. Mom was on the sofa with David. She was reading comics with him. She usually called him a geek about his comics. Threw them away just to screw him over. But she had bought him, like, five comics and they were reading them together. David was smiling so hard he was glowing.
“Mom looked at me. ‘Well, don't you clean up nice.’ But I heard something dark in her voice, knew there was something coming that I didn't want to hear.
“‘All dressed up so you can get in some slut's pants? Isn't that what happens at the prom? Don't think I don't know what goes on.’
“She had to make sure she ruined it. Nobody was going to be happy around her. But she wanted to make sure she had David on her side when she broadsided me.
“I wondered if she was smart enough to know that she had to give David a little bit of affection here and there—the carrot on the string—to keep him coming back. It had to hurt him more when she tore into him right after she'd been kind. So once in a while she'd say ‘Hi, David, how was your day? Gome tell me about it.’ Or give him a hug. That way he'd keep coming back, thinking this time, maybe this time she would love him just a little.”
He lowered his voice. Almost confessional. “I knew better. She couldn't love him. It would never happen.
“And most of the time just seeing him set her off. She'd go off and it would move over onto me. “Why can't you keep him out of my sight?’ That was what she'd scream at me the most. ‘How useless are you that you can't keep a worm like this underground?’ And sometimes…shit, sometimes I'd wish he hadn't been born. What's that make me?”
There! I had it. Kyle had given me his self-doubt and I could sell it back to him. He believed he hadn't loved his brother enough, that he hadn't protected him enough, and that's what really killed David.
Not me.
My mouth was so dry that talking was getting hard, but I had what I needed. I had to use it.
“It makes you a human being. One that was manipulated since you were a little kid. I mean, I think so.”
Nothing.
“Kyle, let's look at just the facts here. You buried me alive. That makes me think you're not a good person. Then you tell me that your mother is horrible, made David feel like shit all his life. And you get mad at him because you got the fallout. Sure, that makes you a shit-head.
“But, and here's the biggie, the little bit you have said sounds like your mother is a person that's all about herself. So, I can't see her being Cuddle Mom to you. She had to be doing a number on your head. When did you first catch on?”
Ted's Rule Two: Ask the leading question. If Kyle answered, I had a chance to keep the game in play.
BEN
“Erica Lambert?”
The girl was pretty and poised. Dark hair and eyes, but no hard edges, no false bravado like the moron that had preceded her.
“One of our medical examiners—”
“Is my mother,” Erica said.
Ben arched the eyebrow. “I know her. She's good at what she does.”
“She's good at lots more,” Erica said.
“Cass McBride.”
Erica's eyes filled but didn't overflow. She straightened her spine, folded her hands, and composed herself. “What do you need to know?”
“Who would take her?”
“If I had any idea, you would know by now.”
Ben tapped a pencil against the desk.
“Tell me about her. What's she like? Anything.”
“She's my best friend.”
“Tell me something about her that would piss her off if she knew you said it,” Ben said.
Erica's face registered the shock. “Why would you want me to do that?”
“Singing her praises doesn't tell me who would take her. Unless you know about a stalker, and you'd have already told me that. So give me a not-so-great quality; maybe that will lead me somewhere.”
Her voice was low when she began and she didn't make eye contact. “Cass has a wicked sense of humor, but it's usually aimed at someone. But behind their back. She doesn't hurt anyone's feelings—you know, to their face.” Erica paused. Looked up. “It sounds bad. I know. But it's high school. It's what people do. And Cass is so good at seeing stuff in people, little things to pull out and exaggerate. She did these dead-on impersonations at parties. We couldn't help laughing. But sometimes it could be mean and I wished then she'd lighten up.”
“Did she make enemies that way?” Ben asked.
“Guys, never. Cass was careful; if she did a take on a guy where anyone could see or hear, it was funny, but not so that it would embarrass the guy. It was almost a compliment. She could get a little bitchier with girls. But I don't know anybody that had a real hate going for Cass.”
“Were you and Cass close enough for her to give you intimate details of her life?”
Erica blushed. “Are you talking about sex?”
Ben gave her one curt nod.
“I know she's a virgin.”
“So if I told you someone told us she might be pregnant, you would say what?”
“I would say you were listening to someone that's stupid or has an agenda.”
“Okay, changing subjects. Did you know David Kirby?” Ben asked.
Erica's head had been lowered, studying her hands as if she was embarrassed to criticize her friend. Her eyes seemed to pull her head up, slow, wondering, almost frightened. Ben sensed a secret.
Ben leaned forward.
“David Kirby?” Erica said, “what's he got to do with this? I mean, he's dead. He died before Cass was kidnapped. She was kidnapped, right? You asked who would take her?”
“Erica,” Ben said, “what do you know about Cass and David Kirby?”
“Nothing.” She looked at Ben then back at Scott. “Honestly, it's nothing. My mom got the call about him. She told me about it, because she thought I might know him. Didn't want me to be surprised if it was announced at school. I told Cass and she…” Erica faltered and a crease dug between her eyes as she stared into her lap.
“What, Erica?” Ben gentled his voice, leading the girl.
She put her index finger on the crease between her eyes and rubbed. Easing it, she lifted her eyes.
She doesn't know she does it, Ben thought. It's a decision to tell the truth.
“She surprised me. I thought she'd blow it off or make the proper noises or ask the gruesome questions that people ask me, you know, because of my mom.”
Ben nodded.
“But, she went all -” She stopped. The crease. The look down. The rub. Back up. “She looked scared. I can't remember ever seeing Cass scared. Then she ran to the bathroom and threw up.”
“She barfed?” Scott said.
Ben closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.
But Erica responded to Scott. She turned to face him. “Right in a sink. Didn't make it to the toilet. I couldn't believe it. It was so embarrassing, but more than that, it was so NOT Cass.”
“Was there a girl called Firefly in the bathroom when that happened?” Scott had a feeling he'd engaged the girl and ran with it.
Erica nodded. “Oh, that's who you're talking about. About Cass being pregnant.” She sighed and rolled her eyes up. “She asked Cass if she was knocked up or hung over.”
Ben mentally crossed pregnant off the crime board.
“Cass say anything about hurling?” Scott asked.
Erica nodded again. “She said she got a ‘visual’ and it made her stomach go wonky. She said she thought she had a class with David.”
“Thought?”
“Right. She wasn't sure. David didn't sail in Cass's ocean. She didn't even know he was Kyle Kirby's brother.”
Ben interrupted. “Cass knew the brother?”
“Knew of. We both kind of crushed on him when we were freshmen. He didn't know we were on the planet.”
“After she threw up, how did she act after that?” Scott asked.
“Just like the old Cass. It was a bump in the road. But it was a weird bump.”
“No, I did. My mom and I went. His dad is a pharmaceutical rep. I didn't know it, but he brings new stuff to the office so they have it for testing. Honestly, that's the only reason I knew Kyle and David were brothers. Because Mom knows their dad.”
“Okay, what about old boyfriends? Any of those holding a grudge?”
“Not the boyfriends.” She rubbed the crease in her forehead again. “Let me give you an example. Right now, Cass will be the Homecoming Queen. She has been dating Derek Richards because he's a senior and the starting quarterback. That helped her get all the football team votes because that will make Derek the Homecoming King.” Erica looked at Ben then Scott. “Following?”
“King is the guy who is the Queen's date. He doesn't get elected,” Scott said.
“Right. Now, Jen Underwood is, like, crazy in love with Derek, so she's totally jealous of Cass.”
“So you think this Underwood kid would take Cass to keep her from getting Homecoming Queen?”
Erica grimaced. “No. You guys watch too much TV. Jen Underwood knows that the minute Homecoming is over, Cass won't be dating Derek anymore. In fact, Cass will probably talk Jen up to Derek during the Homecoming dance. Jen will end up with Derek because of Cass and she might not have had a chance with him before. That's why nothing bad ever sticks to Cass.”
Scott rubbed his head. “Then what happens to Cass?”
“She dates here and there. No more than a date or two with any guy. When she gets a handle on who is most likely to be Prom King, she'll date him until prom is over.”
“And then Cass will hand him off to someone that's in love with him?”
“Probably. That's why I don't understand this. It has to be someone who doesn't know her. Someone who wants her dad's money. But my dad says her father is in hock up to his ears.” Erica stopped. “I shouldn't have said that.”
Ben rocked back in his chair. “Oh, yes, you should.”
KYLE
“The phone calls never stopped from either of them.”
“David, David, calm down. I can't understand you when you're crying. Okay, yeah. What'd she do? Yeah, that's shitty. Dad out of town? Sure, he's always out of town. I get it, David. You can't do your homework if she's in your room screaming and calling you stupid all the time, and if you can't do your homework you make shitty grades. None of that's new. I hear you. Okay. Listen, send me the assignment for your English paper, e-mail it to me and I'll…oh, right, she sits right there with you. Do we have time for me to snail mail it to you? Okay that's no good. Damn, she goes through every piece of your mail?”