‘You have that number? You called him back?’ I ask.
‘I called him back a few days later. But it wasn’t his number. I wanted to tell him that I was getting engaged and wanted to invite him for the occasion.’
‘You got engaged?’ Avantika asks. Sumi waves the ring. Sumi tells us that she got over Ritam only recently. All this while, she had been waiting for him to come back to her. She tells us that she is in love again and we congratulate her. We wish her the best of luck for her wedding and her life after that.
‘Can you give us that number?’ Shrey asks.
She nods, scrolls through her phonebook and fetches the number. Shrey notes it down on a piece of paper. I notice that it’s a landline number with a Bangalore area code. Shrey notices that too. He looks at me and we exchange a look. We both have guessed which number it could be.
She looks at us and asks, ‘Why are you doing this?’
None of us has an answer.
‘We just want Ragini to know,’ Avantika says.
‘If you find her, tell her that she is really lucky.’
Ironical that she would say that, now that he’s dead and gone. If anything, Ragini has to be one of the unluckiest girls ever. But yes, she will know that someone loved her like crazy. That means a lot.
‘Sumi, do you know anybody who might know Ritam’s whereabouts? Or Ragini’s?’ I ask her out of desperation.
She checks her social networking profiles to find if Ritam is in anybody’s friend list. He isn’t. Another dead end.
‘I wish I could help you guys,’ she says, disappointed.
‘Never mind, Sumi,’ I say and smile at her.
She doesn’t respond.
‘I will let you know if I get to know something,’ she says.
We talk to her for a little while more and then get her a taxi. She still hadn’t stopped crying. It was a shock for her. It would be for anyone. The first love of her life was dead, blown to bits.
26 December 2010
‘I can live with the fact that she doesn’t love me, but the indifference in her eyes is something I can’t bear.’
This morning, I could see her lying unconscious on my bed, right in front of me. I had been looking at her for an hour, trying to comprehend why a girl like her would need to change herself for anyone. She is as perfect as they come. And yet, because of a guy …
And as I was reminded of him again, I could feel only one emotion—fury. Nigel is even worse than I had expected. I wonder why I did not see this before. How did it fail to register in my brain when I first met Nigel that he was a detestable man? Maybe it had. But I must have disregarded it as a feeling of envy. But no, it was not just envy that made him look like such a loathsome creature. It was the fact that he actually was a loathsome creature. It is strange that I had come to Bangalore so that Ragini could spend more time with him. Such a blunder.
Ragini had called me last night after quite a few days, and asked me to take her home, since Nigel and she could not locate Nigel’s car and Nigel was on the verge of passing out. Thank God. Had they found it, I shudder to think where they would have ended up. By the time I reached there, she was unconscious—yes, she had passed out owing to too much drinking—but safe. Nigel was barely holding on. I dropped Nigel to his flat and brought Ragini to my room.
I waited for her to get up. I had some questions to ask of her. But when she got up, she had no answers for me. In fact, she was ruder to me than she had ever been, in all the time I have known her. When I asked her why she got so sloshed, she refused to answer in clear words. She said it was none of my business and that she was not a baby. She added that if even she took drugs or smoked weed, I shouldn’t be concerned. It was her life, her decisions and she could take care of herself. It felt funny coming from her, because a little while back, she did not seem capable of taking care of herself. And now, suddenly …
This is all because of Nigel. I do not have much experience with relationships but I know this one thing—girls go blind in love. THEY SIMPLY CANNOT SEE. Just like Ragini seems unable to see things clearly now. I should not have let this happen. It was my duty to try and help her. I had to make her understand. So I tried to, but she did not listen. She asked me to mind my own business and stop interfering in hers. She asked me to go away. She said she did not want to see me. But no matter what she says …
I wish I could see her tomorrow
3 January 2011
‘As long as she talks to me, even if it is to reprimand me and curse me, I don’t have a problem. But I will have one if I don’t see her being a part of my life.’
It had been a few days that Ragini and I were in that argument at my flat. I tried talking to her the day before yesterday and we again ended up in a fight. Not really a fight, actually. Considering that I did not say a single word after starting the conversation. It was more like—she was shouting at me and I was listening.
I was obliged to tell her the truth when it stared at me straight in the face—Nigel was not a good person. After that one episode in which the two of them had gotten sloshed and I had brought an unconscious Ragini home, it has become a routine. Just that, now she does not call me to take her home. She does not come home. She passes out before making the call and ends up in someone else’s house.
That day I told her in very clear words that I did not think Nigel was right for her. And this is all I said. She got mad at me. She shouted at me and accused me of being boring and forcing her to be the same. She said that I act like someone from a different century, that it was conservative of me to object to something as small as drinking and smoking. And then, she said the most hurtful things she could have—that I am a sadist and that I simply cannot bear to see her happy. That I always try to sabotage her happiness. When all I have wanted, all this while, is to see her smile …
Yes, I saw her today. I was sitting in my cubicle, trying to concentrate on the computer screen when I heard her chirp. I looked around to see her enter the office and take a seat in her cubicle. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second, before she looked away. I guess she still does not want to see me. But I did. I kept looking at her for a few more seconds. She looked prettier than usual. Although a little tired. And careless. Her now-straight hair was all over the place, her shirt was not properly tucked in and she was not wearing her stilettos. It seemed like she had not taken a shower.
It scared me a little to see her like that. But what scared me the most was her attitude. It seemed like she did not care about anything in the world. It was as if she could not be least bothered with such mundane things like looking presentable in office, and for someone like Ragini, always very neat and proper, this was new. A little later, I saw her rubbing her eyes and yawning. After dropping her bag at her desk, she made her way, staggering a little, to the washroom. I followed her.
I was a little worried about her first, but then I realized that I might just be getting paranoid. Maybe she had been out late last night and had not gotten proper sleep. As simple as that. And then, when I passed her in the corridor, our eyes met for a brief moment. Her eyes were vacant. Oh. She was stoned, high on something, weed or worse. When I saw her from up-close, I noticed her eyes again and the stagger in her step was evident. I was concerned. But I knew saying anything to her would only result in another earful from her. So I restrained. I wonder if this is going to become routine. I wonder if whatever she is smoking, inhaling or injecting would become a regular thing. Would she be just the way she was today, tomorrow?
I wish to see her okay tomorrow.
The Phone Number
Things just get worse. First, it was a broken-down building, then a name and a number that led us nowhere and now just a number without a name. Shrey and I are pretty sure whose number it is, if we go by what’s written in the diary. In one of the notes, Ritam had written that he had called Sumi from Nigel’s flat because he was disturbed. Nigel and Ragini had been missing for a few days and he had gone to his flat to find out. Nigel’s maid
had opened the door and Ritam had waited for Nigel’s parents to return from the market. Since he was so restless, he had called Sumi from there to distract himself. Sumi had not picked up calls from his own number so he had called from Nigel’s landline.
‘Doesn’t it fucking look like someone is playing with us?’ Shrey says, irritated at the whole situation.
‘It’s been three weeks for me. Just six days for you,’ I say.
‘And I don’t know why we are doing this,’ Avantika says.
‘You’re lovesick people, that’s why,’ Tiya butts in.
‘Whatever,’ we echo.
Shrey flashes the piece of paper in the air on which Sumi had written down the number.
‘Could it be Nigel?’ Avantika asks. She has realized it too.
‘Let’s find out,’ Shrey says and dials the number. The phone is engaged. It’s a working number. He calls again. It’s still engaged. We wait for a little while and call again. Same result. Our faces droop.
‘Is the phone still in service?’ Tiya asks.
‘Maybe,’ Shrey says. ‘But I can do something. I can find out the address. We can go to his place, right?’
He logs on to a government website that has the entire database of the Bangalore landlines and the addresses against which they are registered. Bang on! The number is registered in the name of Nigel Abraham. It says M.G. Road. Avantika says she has been in the area.
‘Call again,’ Avantika tells Shrey and he does. We still can’t connect to the other side.
‘To Bangalore, then?’ Avantika asks. Shrey and I nod.
We start to discuss how and when we should leave for Bangalore, when Tiya says, ‘I am not going.’ We look at her and she shakes her head.
‘But why not?’ Shrey asks.
‘The trip is getting too long. Today, my mom asked me where I was and when I was coming back home. She checked my bank statement and scolded me for spending so much. I can’t go to Bangalore.’
‘But, we have to—’ Shrey says.
‘I can’t, Shrey. I have no money left. Seriously, I will have to go back to Delhi. My parents will kill me. I am just lucky that they haven’t called my friends yet.’
I can understand. She is a student, after all. We had totally forgotten about that.
‘But you don’t have to pay for this trip, Tiya.’
‘I don’t want you to pay for me, Shrey. I will not allow it,’ she says.
Suddenly, Tiya has started to sound a little grown-up and sensible. It’s almost shocking.
‘You don’t have to pay for it,’ Shrey says and smiles, ‘because Chrome Ink Press will.’
‘What the fuck? Why should we?’ I protest.
‘What? You wanted a story Deb? This is your story. So this should go into the company account, right?’
‘Such an asshole,’ I say.
‘I’m not sure,’ Tiya says, ‘My mom won’t allow me to stay out any longer. It’s been so many days now.’
‘Do you want to?’ Avantika asks Tiya and she nods. ‘Let me talk to your mother.’
Tiya hands over her phone to Avantika who talks to Tiya’s mom posing as Tiya’s Department Head. Tiya’s mom totally buys whatever Avantika says and extends her trip by another few days. There is a huge smile on Tiya’s face.
‘So we leave for Bangalore today?’ Tiya asks.
‘Yes,’ we echo.
‘I mean, we just reached here. Can’t we at least party for one night? It’s getting so boring, guys,’ Tiya asks, almost innocently.
‘We don’t have time,’ Shrey explains.
‘You guys are so stupid, man. Why can’t you just let it be? If grown-ups get this screwed-up, I want to remain stupid and childish for the rest of my life.’
‘We can’t help it,’ I say.
‘One night wouldn’t kill you guys! Please?’ she says again, with a puppy face.
I don’t know how we fall for it. All of us look at each other and we know we want to leave for Bangalore as soon as possible. Only that our bodies are now a crumbled heap of tissue. We can do with a little bit of rest too, we think.
‘Fine,’ I say. ‘We leave tomorrow? Happy?’
‘Yay!’ she says in mock excitement. I know what she’s thinking inside her head. ‘Bloody assholes. Finally, they’ve got some sense.’
‘Can we sleep for a bit now?’ Avantika says.
Minutes later, we have all dozed off wherever we find place to rest our broken, weathered bodies.
‘GET UP!’ Tiya has been shouting for quite some time now.
I was thinking it was a part of the dream but it isn’t. I get up to see Shrey asleep on the sofa and Avantika on the floor. Slowly we all get up, groggy-eyed.
‘WE NEED TO GO. IT’S EIGHT ALREADY,’ she shouts repeatedly.
I guess we slept throughout the day.
‘You guys go, I’m going to sleep for a little while,’ I say and place the pillow over my head.
I was in the middle of an interesting dream where Ragini was in tears after we told her about Ritam. Pretty moving it was. It’s a great story in my head. I’ve already decided that I’ll write a book about it. It sounds like an amazing idea, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do justice to it.
‘I will stay here with Deb. Anyway, I don’t have any clothes to wear,’ Avantika says and closes her eyes again.
Shrey ignores everything around him and rolls over.
‘You guys have got to be shitting me,’ Tiya says. ‘Don’t be so boring. We had to go clubbing.’
‘Not we. YOU!’ I say.
‘You’re such assholes. I come along with you on your crazy chase across cities and you can’t do this much for me?’
‘Now that’s blackmail,’ Avantika says.
‘Whatever it is,’ Tiya says and shrugs. She spends another half an hour telling us how insensitive we are and eventually we give in. We get up slowly. Shrey and I realize that it’s a little too late for train tickets, so we call up a travel agent and get ourselves four tickets on a fight leaving the next day at six in the morning.
Shrey goes and get the printouts for our tickets and flashes them once he’s in the room, ‘So, no back-breaking car drives or train journeys.’
‘Losers,’ Tiya mutters under her breath. ‘It’s supposed to be a road trip, not a train and flight trip.’
‘What do you mean losers? It’s tiring,’ I protest as Avantika smiles.
‘That’s what. I can take it, you can’t. You are old and boring,’ she says.
‘Fuck you,’ I say.
‘Fuck you? You wish. It’s such torture fucking one old man,’ she laughs and points at Shrey, ‘I don’t want to add another one to the list.’
‘Whatever.’
‘Do we have to go? There is still time to decide,’ Tiya asks as she unmindfully packs her small bag. ‘You’ll anyway have to come back to Mumbai. I am telling you, that freakish girl lives in Mumbai,’ she insists.
‘Shut up,’ Avantika says like a mom.
‘Anyway, I don’t care. I am not paying for this, you guys are,’ says Tiya. She is still pretty repulsed by the idea of us taking a flight.
We pack our bags and decide that we’ll return to the hotel by three in the night to reach the airport on time. Tiya cribs about the early flight. We ignore whatever she says.
Slowly and reluctantly, we get dressed and move out of the hotel. She had decided on a club in Bandra she had heard a lot about—Hawaiin Shack—probably for its cheap alcohol. Tiya will be a good girlfriend if she ever finds herself in a relationship. She has a formidable grip on how to limit expenses. She makes us stop at the beer shop nearby and we pick up a bottle of vodka and some beers. By the time we reach the club, we’re pretty drunk but not enough.
‘This is why you’re OLD!’ shouts Tiya as we get off the taxi. ‘No one gets drunk inside. That’s just a waste of money.’
No one is really interested in listening to her any more. Hawaiin Shack—the place is nothing much to write home abou
t. We stagger and stumble inside. Before we know it, we exhaust our cover charges and are piss drunk. The people around us become blobs and everything becomes hazy. I don’t remember how long I danced for, but it seemed like ten minutes. It’d been long since Avantika and I had done that. I’m thankful to Tiya for this.
‘LET’S GO!’ a familiar voice shouts in my ear.
Avantika and I are almost glued to each other. Man, she can grind! And well, I can’t really dance. But yeah, I can do the drunk-guy-out-of-his-senses thing pretty well. We ignore the voice near us. It shouts in our ear again, but the music drowns it out.
‘FUCK YOU. IT’S TIME,’ the voice says in our heads again.
We look around. It’s Tiya shouting her head off.
‘What?’ Avantika shouts back.
‘It’s TIME,’ she shouts. ‘It’s already four-thirty.’
Suddenly, we are not drunk. We look at our watches and get a little freaked out. Though nowhere close to how freaked out Tiya looks. She is almost panicking and it’s funny to see her like that. Lately, she has been the definition of the word ‘cool’ to us.
‘Oh, crap,’ I say and stare at the watch, mentally calculating the time required to reach the airport.
‘We should rush,’ Avantika exclaims.
Immediately, we finish the last of our drinks and head out of the door. We find Shrey outside the club, talking to a few stray dogs. He has not changed since his college days. We take an auto, huddle in and get back to our hotel. We are still struggling to find our way to our room’s door when we spot Tiya standing there with all our bags.
‘What?’ she exclaims as Shrey pushes her aside, and we make our way to the beds and couches in the room.
‘We need to sleep,’ Avantika says and flops on a couch.
‘Me too,’ I say and take the bed. Shrey has already found a place on the floor and his eyes are closed.
‘We have a fucking flight in an hour!’ Tiya shouts.
‘No, we don’t,’ Avantika says.
‘What? The flight’s at six, right?’ Tiya reminds us.
If It’s Not Forever: It’s Not Love Page 15