by D. L. Gallie
“Sar, you are not stupid. If anyone is stupid, it’s me. You warned me about Clint, several times, but I didn’t listen. This is entirely my fault.”
In unison they both shout, “NO!”
Before Sarah can reply, Jordan says, “This is not your fault, Kenz, this is that asshat, Clint’s, fault. Don’t you ever say this was your fault.” I smile at them both and nod, agreeing, but deep down I know this is my fault.
Reaching out, I grab one of the coffees, take a sip, and moan.
“What is it with you, coffee, and moaning, Kenz?”
I giggle, shrugging my shoulders, I smile and take another sip of this amazing brew. As I savour that sip of coffee. I think to myself, I really like him calling me Kenz. I glance over at him as he is taking a drink, I check him out and smile to myself, hiding my grin behind my coffee cup, but Sarah sees and she smiles back at me and winks. That butterfly feeling I got when we had coffee the other week is back.
I’m lost in thought when the door opens and Mum and Skye walk in with my bag and another tray of coffee. Skye nudges Mum. “Told you Sarah would have bought coffee, she is just as much of an addict as Mac is, if not more.” Sarah and I look at each other, and shrug our shoulders in agreement and laugh.
It’s true, we are. If I could drink coffee intravenously, I would totally do it.
Mum eyes Jordan sitting on the windowsill, then looks at me and smiles. “Mum, Skye, this is Jordan, a friend from college. Jordan, this is my mum, Margaret, and sister, Skye.”
Standing up he puts his hand out to shake Mum’s hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Merlot and Skye.”
“Please, call me Margaret. Mrs. Merlot is my mother-in-law and I’m nothing like her.”
The conversation is flowing and its comfortable, not awkward like it was with Clint. Jordan gets along really well with Mum and Skye, which makes me happy. No one, except for me seemed to get along with Clint.
There is a knock at the door, it opens and in walks two police officers. “I’m Officer Ferguson, and this is my partner, Officer Jones. Are you up for a chat Ms. Merlot?”
“Please, call me Kenzie and yeah, that’s fine.”
“Do you want everyone to stay?”
“If that’s okay, yes I’d like them to stay.”
“That’s fine. I’d like to let you know that Clint MacNicholson has officially been charged with assault causing grievous bodily harm. He made bail earlier this morning but there is a restraining order in place. He cannot come within fifty meters of you, except for the court appearance. Someone from the department of prosecutions will be in touch and they will inform you of dates and anything else that they need.”
I sigh in relief that he has been charged, but I’m also scared that I will have to face him again in court.
“We will just need your recount of what happened yesterday.”
Mum sits on the bed next to me, squeezes my hand and whispers, “You can do this Mackenzie. I’m right here.”
Mum’s words of encouragement give me the strength that I need to give my statement. Officer Jones sets up a recorder, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and begin.
“I had just gotten home and I was digging in my handbag for my house keys. I felt someone behind me and I knew it was Clint, I smelled his cologne. He whacked me on the back of the head and I fell into his arms, I blacked out. Then I remember screaming in agony. He was punching and kicking me, each impact harder than the last.” The tears are pouring down my face by this point. Sarah hands me a glass of water, I take a sip and let my heart rate slow.
The fear I felt yesterday is bubbling to the surface. I’m not sure that I will be able to finish. “I remember screaming for him to stop but he didn’t. He kept repeating, ‘You are mines’ over and over. Eventually, I blacked out from the pain and when I woke up I was here.”
Reaching over, Officer Jones turns off the recorder. “That timeline of events matches up with the other witness statements.” He digs into his pocket and hands me a card. “Here’s my card, if you think of anything else or have any other questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.”
“Thanks Officer.”
Mum escorts them out of the room and after closing the door, she comes back to the bed. Wrapping her arms around me, she whispers. “I’m so proud of you, baby girl.”
“Thanks Mum.” I sniff.
I excuse myself to have a shower. Even though I’m in a crappy hospital shower, with zero pressure, this is the best shower that I have ever had. Digging in the bag, I pull on the denim shorts and sunflower shirt that Mum packed and make my way back into the room. I bump the bed trolley as I’m getting back into bed and wince in pain, “Shit…fuck…shit.” I grab my ribs. Jordan is there to push the table away and help me back into bed.
Mum looks at me. “Mackenzie, language.”
“Sorry, Mum, but that really freakin’ hurt.” She glares at me again over my language.
The doctor walks in and asks everyone to leave, so he can check me over once more before discharging me. Everyone slowly shuffles out, and he proceeds to poke and prod me like I’m a piece of meat again, but he is happy and I am allowed to go home. He recommends that I follow up with my local doctor in a week’s time. He also gave me details for a therapist to talk to.
Everyone shuffles back in when the doctor leaves, and I say, “Let’s get me out of here.” Jordan carries my bag for me and we all make our way to the car park. We say our goodbyes, gentle hugs all round and Sarah and Jordan agree to pop over tomorrow. They head to the left, while Mum, Skye, and I head up a level and make our way back to my apartment.
Mum and Skye stay with me for the next week until I can do most things myself. You don’t realized how much you use your ribs until they hurt like a bitch when you try to do things. Sarah is over for breakfast the morning they leave, as they pull out of the driveway, I start to cry.
Sarah carefully pulls me into a hug, and she ushers me back inside. She demands I lay on the couch and she heads into the kitchen. She comes back out with a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream. I look at her and smile; she knows just what I need, when I need it. I don’t even care that’s its 10:00 a.m. and I’m drinking wine. After what I’ve been through, I deserve it.
We spend the rest of the day on the couch drinking wine, eating ice cream, and watching One Tree Hill. This is just what the doctor ordered.
Something snaps when I get to Sweetcheeks’ house, I don’t mean to hurt her. After Sarah and nosey Mr. Neil intervened, I take off. I drive around and around until I calm down.
Before heading home, I stop by my Sweetcheeks apartment but she isn’t there. I wonder where she could be?
Stopping at Maccas on my way home, I get a feed and head back to my place. When I get there the police are there. Oh no, something must have happened to Mackenzie and that’s why she wasn’t home.
The Officer walks over to me, “Are you Clint MacNicholson?”
“Yeah. What’s it to you?”
“You are under arrest in relation to the assault of Mackenzie Merlot. You’re not obliged to say or do anything, unless you wish to do so, but whatever you say or do may be used in evidence. Do you understand?”
“I understand.” I’m handcuffed and escorted to the squad car.
We get to the station and a few hours later, I am formally charged with assaulting Mackenzie. I’m not allowed to see my Sweetcheeks; that’s going to kill me.
A few weeks later at my court hearing, I manage to get a glimpse of her, she looks so beautiful, my cock comes to life. It breaks my heart that I can’t touch her. When I see that she was with that slut and asshole, my blood starts to boil.
She. Is. Mines.
My lawyer persuades me to plead guilty. Luck is on my side and I’m only to serve two years. Sweetcheeks bursts into tears when I am sentenced; I know deep down she still cares for me.
As they are leading me out of the courtroom, I look over at her and smile. Thinking to myself, one day, we wil
l be together again, Sweetcheeks, one day.
6 weeks later …
For the last six weeks I have only really seen three people: my therapist Jeannie, Sarah, and Jordan. I’ve only left the house for my doctor appointments or therapy. I started to buy my groceries online and get them delivered, so I don’t have to go out. I feel protected this way, locked in my little cocoon, safe and sound. A plus, I’m saving heaps without the impulse buys, so it’s win/win. My local bottle shop, Dan Murphy’s, also delivers so I don’t even have to go out and get my wine and beer either, again winning.
The only time I was truly frightened at home, was when I got a locksmith in to change all the locks, add window locks to each window and another deadlock to each door. He was running late, neither Sarah nor Jordan could be here, so I had to do it by myself. The hour he was here was pretty rough but I survived; just. I sat on the couch and didn’t move a muscle. My eyes followed him every time he came into the lounge room; I’d hold my breath until he left the room. As the minutes ticked by I slowly started to crumble and freak out, my heart pounding with every second he was in my apartment. Sweat was beading on my brow. When he said he was finished, I nearly passed out with relief.
As soon as he left, I completely lost it. Racing around, I deadlocked all the doors and windows before heading to my bedroom. Hiding and rocking in the corner, I knew I had to call Jeannie. When I dialed her number, I could barely breathe. My chest tightening as the panic attack set in.
After a few moments, she had calmed me down: my breathing returning to normal and the tightness in my chest disappearing. She told me that it was a massive step that I allowed a man alone into my house, and I should be proud of myself. After hanging up from her, I sat there for a little longer going over what she said. She was right, I am strong. I can go on with my life, without fear.
A few days later, I’m chatting with Jeannie, and we decide it is time I get back to my everyday life and routine, which includes college and seeing my friends, in public and not at my apartment. I also tell her that without the support of Jordan, I don’t think I would be as strong and confident as I am. I finally tell her about the time, a few weeks ago when Jordan popped over between classes. He found me in a heap in the corner in my bedroom. I’d been to the letterbox and a delivery guy tapped me on the shoulder. I completely freaked out. He sat with me for the rest of the afternoon. He even let me watch The Hills, and he hates that crap. He has seen me at my weakest moment and not once has he made me feel afraid or inferior.
He’s become my person…my rock.
I’m not sure I’m quite ready to go back to real life just yet, but I can’t keep sitting at home, dwelling on what happened. If I do, I’d be letting him win, and Clint does not get to win.
I refuse to let him win.
I’m stronger than that.
I am a survivor.
After I get home from my appointment with Jeannie, I decide there is no time like the present, so I put on my big girl undies and call Michele. While I’m waiting for the call to connect, I smile and think to myself, today I take back my life; Mackenzie Merlot is back!
After the call connects, I take a deep breath and explain that I’m ready to come back to college and asked if it’s okay. She says I’m more than welcome to come back, she also reiterates that Clint has been expelled from the college, and there are rumors circulating around about what happened.
Due to the circumstances of my absence, Michele has given me an extension on the two assignments that I missed, and she is confident that I will be finished in time to graduate in October, with the rest of the class. If not, I will have to wait until March.
Sarah and Jordan are at my apartment, and we are having Indian takeaway and a few beers. Taking a deep breath I say, “So, I’m going back to college tomorrow.”
They both look at me and don’t say anything. I’m starting to think that they don’t agree, when Sarah turns to Jordan. “Cough up, buddy, told you she’d be back before the two month mark.”
Shaking his head, he grabs his wallet and hands over fifty dollars. Looking at me, he says, “Even though you just cost me fifty bucks, I’m glad you’re getting back out there”
“You guys bet on me? Seriously?”
They both reply, “Yep.”
Sarah comes over, hugs me, and whispers so Jordan can hear, “Thanks for winning me fifty bucks, but even if I didn’t win, I’m happy you are getting on with your life. I would hate to see assface douche hole win.”
“Assface douche hole, I like that. Has a good ring to it. Jeannie and I were talking yesterday and I think it’s time. As you said, we don’t want assface douche hole to win.”
Jordan smiles at me. “I’m so proud of you, Kenz. Do you want me to pick you up in the morning?”
“Thanks, Jordan, but I’m going to catch the bus. To get back to the old me, I need to keep to my original routine and the bus is it. I will take a coffee break, if you are free? After all, I still owe you one.”
“Coffee it is then,” he says this with a big smile on his face, giving me butterflies.
We finish our dinner and decide to watch Prison Break. It’s about 10:00 p.m. when they both leave. Grabbing the rubbish, I walk them out. After saying our goodbyes, I race back inside, lock all the doors, and jump into a steaming hot shower. I put on my navy blue satin pajama shorts and Wine Time Finally singlet, and I snuggle in bed with my Kindle, reading the next book in the Break series.
Today is my first day back at college: my emotions are all over the place. I’m excited and scared but most of all, I’m confident. The first face I see when I’m walking into the building is Jordan’s. He sees me, waves, and rushes up to me. He envelopes me in a bear hug and I smile into his chest. “It’s so good to see you here at college, with you hair done and wearing actual clothes, Kenz.” He is trying to hold back a laugh. I look up at him in shock but I laugh because he’s right.
For the last six weeks, I’ve lived in trackies and a singlet, with my hair piled in a topknot. If I were having a good day; I’d also put a bra on.
Still laughing, I reply, “Hardy har har, Jordan.” I can always count on Jordan to make me laugh; he really has been my rock over the last six weeks.
He smiles and I swear my ovaries explode, just like they did on the first day of college. I smile at that memory. Draping his arm over my shoulder, we turn and head on in for our first class of the day.
The first week back at college was tough but I managed. It was the pity looks and the whispers that got to me, but Jordan and, his best mate Mike Mustange, were always there to assist me. I’ve gotten to know Mike much better since my attack and I love to hate him. He’s my 6-foot-1, bald-headed teddy bear with a goatee, and a heart of gold. He comes across as all tough and macho, but he has a heart of gold. Pretty sure they both have a secret, “Kenzie is in distress” beacon, as they were always there when I needed help.
Jordan and I are hanging out more and more and for the first time since the incident, I feel genuinely happy and content. Every Friday we end up at the Joker; the Dirty Duck holds too many memories and I’m not quite ready to deal with those yet. Sarah and her new boyfriend, Josh, join us. We become the four amigos. Sometimes Mike tags along too.
Jordan and I officially started dating a few weeks before I graduated. I managed to catch up and get everything finalised so I can graduate with my class in October.
It took me a long time to decide that I wanted to date Jordan, in the back of my mind I kept thinking, what if it happens again? Deep down, I know he’s not Clint, but it’s still there, niggling at me. It wasn’t until Jeannie made me realise, that my fear won’t immediately disappear, there will be set backs, like the deliveryman incident, but it was all part of the healing process.
At a session with Jeannie one afternoon and that was when, I realised I can’t keep living in fear. By living in fear I let Clint win and I am stronger than that. See I can even use his name now, even though assface douche hole has a great ring
to it. I remember her words from that day clearly, “You are the owner of emotions. You control everything. You are the only one holding you back.” Those words really stuck with me.
Once I finally admitted my feelings for Jordan, I fell for him and fell hard. For the first time in a longtime, I felt free, happy, and safe, and I knew I could survive.
My new motto is “I am Mackenzie Merlot and I’m a survivor.”
It is so nice to see Kenz smiling again, like really smiling. Even though we have only been hanging out for a few weeks, I can already tell the difference between her fake and her real smile. When she really smiles, her eyes sparkle and her face lights up.
It feels like I’ve known her forever, we click on every level. We have the same taste in music, Empire Records is our favourite movie, we both love beer; especially craft beers. Oddly, we like white wine in summer, and red wine in winter; I’ve never met anyone who drinks and likes wine like this. But most of all, we agree wholeheartedly that the best way to spend a Sunday afternoon, is down at the local having a few drinks with friends.
Even though what Clint did was horrible and horrific, it bought us closer together. The last six weeks have been tough, not only for her but for me too. I’ll never forget how I felt when I ran into Sarah at the college the day she was attacked. If hearts could break, I swear mine broke into a million tiny pieces that day.