“I don’t think a bar is a good example,” a woman said. “I don’t go to bars.”
“Well, suppose you did,” the young man responded. “Would you need a bisexual bar to find what you want, or a bisexual country club or church? What for?”
“I suppose you’re right,” she answered, “but I don’t know.”
“Do you feel the lack of a subculture?” I asked her.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry to keep saying that, but I do know that if I wanted companionship for an evening, it might be nice to go someplace and meet men and women where I could be open and myself. I mean, I might not necessarily want a man or a woman. I might want to meet a person. It would be nice to go out with the idea of meeting someone without thinking it has to be of one gender or the other. There are times when I want a man or want a woman, but that may be because I have no other option. It may be that what I want is a nice human being to make love with. That at times for me could be a man or a woman. If there was a bisexual bar, say, I could go there without any preconceived idea of what I want. I might think I want a woman and then meet a really sweet man and want him. Now that I think of it, a bisexual bar or restaurant would be a place to go to find out how you feel by just being with men and women. People.” She paused. “Just like here.”
The woman’s answer strikes me as going to the very heart of the bisexual problem. Bisexuals, though enjoying a wider possibility of choice in the pursuit of sexual love, must pursue those possibilities on grounds not necessarily of their choice. To find out who among bisexuals actually desire a bisexual community, and to explore the advantages and disadvantages of the lack of one as seen by bisexuals themselves, I surveyed a group of bisexual men and women in the late 1970s as part of an overall investigation into the bisexual in society. I handed out questionnaires to 150 people who showed up at the Bisexual Forum. I obtained an unusually high response; only six people did not wish to participate. Such a high response was helped by the support of Chuck Mishaan, founder of the Forum, who explained the purpose of the survey to everyone present. Study of bisexuals in their own group was not common in the late 1970s. At that time only in San Francisco (the Bi-Center), Santa Barbara, and Miami did other bisexual groups exist. The situation has changed and now in the early 1990s, there are about 50 bisexual organizations (most of them small, however) spread all over the United States. I will discuss the changes in the bisexual community over the past 15 years in more detail in Chapter 10. presents the detailed reactions of the 144 people at the Bisexual Forum who responded. The major conclusions which I still find to be valid in 1992 are discussed below.
Eighty-eight percent of those responding were bisexual to some extent, and a great majority of these identified themselves as such. (This contradicts the findings of Blumstein and Schwartz [“Bisexuality in Men,” Urban Life] who found that the bisexual self-label didn’t correspond to actual experience or feelings.) Of those responding, 70 percent were male and 30 percent female. This discrepancy probably has less to do with bisexuality than with social events in New York City, at which males very often outnumber females, particularly at night. The average age of the women was 28.5 years, of the men, 32.4 years. The education level was high, women having a mean educational level of 15 years schooling and men 16 years. All but three respondents had finished high school and many had masters’ or doctorate degrees. The most frequent answer to the question of occupation was “student” (around 10 percent). The occupations of the other respondents ranged from driller to professor, musician to housewife. In general the Forum seemed to attract a much larger percentage of professionals than found in the general population.
Almost 60 percent were single; the remainder were divided among the married and the previously married. Almost half lived alone; the others lived with spouses, roommates, parents, lovers, children, relatives, or at school, in that order of frequency. On the question of which parent they were closer to, the women were equally divided between both parents, while over two-thirds of the men were closer to their mothers. In our culture this isn’t very surprising–I believe these figures are representative of the population in general.
Self-labeling of the bisexuals corresponded closely with their behavior. Over 75 percent of the respondents who put themselves between 1 and 5 on the Kinsey scale (using Kinsey’s original range of 0 to 6) also considered themselves to be bisexual. The average woman was 2.4 on the Kinsey scale, the average man a bit higher at 2.5, which indicates that the average person here was slightly more heterosexual than homosexual on the continuum. Of those who were exclusively heterosexual or homosexual, more than nine out of ten were heterosexual. The close fit of behavior to identity showed itself also in their responses to which gender they preferred sexually and to which gender they sexually fantasized about. Those who labeled themselves on the heterosexual end of the Kinsey scale (1 and 2) preferred and fantasized most often about the opposite sex. On the homosexual end of the scale the same gender was predominant in both preference and fantasy.
Interestingly, the bisexual label was adopted at a relatively late age. Of those who considered themselves bisexual, they first did so at an average age of 24. This held true for both men and women. A majority of members of both sexes were sexually attracted to the opposite sex before becoming aware of sexual attraction to their own sex. The women became aware of their heterosexual feelings at the average age of 11, while the men first realized theirs at an average age of 13. On the average, awareness of homosexual feelings began for women and men at the ages of 16 and 17 respectively. The difference between the sexes is pronounced when the ages of their initial homosexual activities are contrasted. While on the average the first heterosexual activity for both women and men was at the age of 16, the first homosexual experience for men was at 18, and the first for women at 23. Bode found that 20 percent of bisexual women had homosexual experience first before participating in heterosexual activity. Of our female respondents, 17 percent did so. On the other hand, 36 percent of the men in our study had a homosexual experience first. There is another point of interest regarding the age of first sexual activity. The average woman had her first heterosexual activity at the age of 151/2, while her first experience of penile-vaginal intercourse occurred two and one-half years later, at 18. For men the difference between first activity and first intercourse was less than two years–16 years old vs. 17 1/2 years.
How open are bisexuals about their sexual orientation? Seventy percent of the respondents’ close friends, whose sexual orientation they knew, were heterosexual, 20 percent were homosexual, and only 10 percent were bisexual. In other words, the bisexuals moved primarily in the heterosexual world and considerably less in the homosexual world. Their association with other bisexuals was minimal. When the respondents listed the people in their lives who knew of their bisexuality, their responses suggested that the closet door was selectively open. For the majority, parents, siblings, relatives, and work associates were not privy to this information. On the other hand, almost half of the spouses knew of their orientation, and 62 percent had friends who did (with an average of over eight friends each who were in on it).
Where were the sexual partners of the bisexual respondents found? All over. Almost every conceivable place or situation was named by one or another of the respondents. However, for the women, only one source occurred with frequency: both heterosexual and homosexual contacts were made through friends. Men also used friends as contact sources but, with some degree of frequency, they also met women at parties, bars, and at work. Male homosexual contacts showed the greatest variance, with bar contacts accounting for a quarter of all places listed. Friends, parties, and baths were also mentioned more than a couple of times. Many different places and opportunities were used to meet others, with personal introductions through friends being the second most common, after male homosexual contacts at bars.
As we know, the bisexual is less repressed with respect to gender, being able to eroticize both sexes. But how does this i
nfluence other aspects of his and her sexual behavior? Does it lead the bisexual to have more lovers than do either heterosexuals or homosexuals? It would seem to. Though there were respondents who had only one partner over a long period of time, partners in general were relatively numerous. In the month prior to answering the questionnaire, the female bisexuals had on average 1.5 male partners and 0.7 female partners. The men had an average of 1.7 female partners and 2.4 male partners. During the previous year the female bisexuals had 4.7 heterosexual partners and 3.0 homosexual ones, while the male bisexuals had 9.2 different female partners and 12.9 male partners.
It’s interesting that the bisexuals’ rate of participation in sex with two or more people at the same time was higher than for the population in general. Hunt found that 40 percent of single males had had some sexual experience in the presence of more than one other person and 25 percent of single males had experienced multiple-partner sex. For females and married people the figures were significantly lower. Our questionnaire did not differentiate between the above two types of activity (sex with and sex in the presence of more than one other person). Sixty-three percent of the bisexuals had sex with two or more other people at the same time at least once in their lives. In the previous year, 46 percent of the respondents had had such an experience, while for the previous month it was 23 percent.
It’s not easy to interpret such findings in the absence of additional relevant information. Were these multiple-partner experiences partner swapping, “swinging,” or were they threesomes? Were they more homosexual than bisexual in character? Do these figures hold true for bisexuals in general? And how do these figures compare to the behavior patterns of homosexuals? It’s known that there is a good deal of group activity among male homosexuals. Bisexual patterns may be closer to homosexual than heterosexual when it comes to group sex. It is also possible that the bisexual acts typically as a homosexual when in a homosexual situation that includes group sex, but heterosexually in heterosexual group sex situations. More research would be very helpful.
Two questions provided an insight into how bisexuals view themselves. Thirty-five percent had sought counseling for problems relating to their sexual orientation. On the other hand, over two-thirds said they would opt to be bisexual if they could begin life over. That many of the bisexuals had sought therapy for their difficulties isn’t surprising, considering the negative connotation society places on this condition. But that so many are satisfied with it is surprising. Of those who would rather be bisexual if given a choice in a new life, only 28 percent had sought counseling for orientation problems. Of those who said they’d prefer to be heterosexual or homosexual, or did not respond, half had sought help for their sex-orientation difficulties.
Five of the questions on the questionnaire were designed for personal comment in the respondents’ own words. To the first of these (“What are the main pleasures or advantages of being bisexual?”), answers did not vary significantly between male and female any more than they did on the same question answered orally at the Bisexual Forum. “More physical pleasure” and “more sexual variety” were the headliners, but somewhat different thoughts were also expressed, and are worth mentioning. One woman wrote, “Since recognizing and then accepting my bisexuality, I need no longer take the stance that I am repulsed by my own sex.” A man expressed the same idea in more graphic terms: “I’m no longer afraid to touch men. I dig men and women. I think there are different sexual feelings one can have about each sex. I can enjoy without being disgusted by a cock and balls, which obviously a woman does not have.”
Another important idea that emerges is the value of a broader range in self-definition. A young woman writes, “It’s a good feeling to me not having to attach a strict label to myself sexually.” A man answers: “I’m not limited in choice. I don’t like unnecessary limits and labels placed on me.”
The feeling of completeness is expressed with enough frequency to suggest the basis for a common bisexual awareness. “I feel complete in relationships with other human beings.” And: “I find myself exploring closeness with people in a more intimate way.”
An appreciation of “uniqueness” is expressed from many different points of view. “It’s a learning process to enjoy the uniqueness of both sexes.” And: “You get to experience a lot of people from many different backgrounds. Different types. Everyone is unique and that brings out different things in me.”
In the above responses variety of experience was seen as an advantage. The next question, “What are the main problems or disadvantages of being bisexual?” explores the disadvantages in that variety. Social disapproval was the headliner here. “The most difficult thing is explaining to other people what I am. They just don’t understand. It’s funny, they understand variety in relation to other things in life-like, say, if you go to a big city public library you have more books to choose from than a small town library. But when it comes to sex, the most intelligent exclusively straight or gay person will just turn off on you. I really have kind of given up trying.”
For most respondents, the main disadvantage was general social disapproval. However, for some individuals wider choice itself is an acute frustration. This is why some people flee cities for small towns or prefer to choose clothes without a wide range to select from. Variety can bring on indecision, and bisexuality surely affords increased social/sexual variety. “It’s difficult to choose a lifestyle,” one man said, echoing the feelings of a number of respondents. “I can’t be open to everyone, and sometimes I’m not able to decide what I want or conform to what is expected of me.”
For younger bisexuals the possibility of hurting parents or family is a pressure. “There is just no way my mother and father would understand. I have thought of moving across the country away from my family so they would never have to know.”
The possibility of bisexuality interfering with monogamy and the possibility of being hurt by members of both sexes were two negative aspects of bisexuality for some. “I’m by nature a jealous person, and if the person I’m involved with is having other people, male or female, it can drive me right up the wall; and yet as a bisexual I understand, but understanding doesn’t make the pain go away.” And: “I have sex with other people of both sexes and I feel guilty because it makes my lover jealous. What’s happened is that in order to survive I’ve become a really creative liar.”
Having to lie, to conceal and not be completely what one is– even with close friends–is a black cloud hanging over the heads of many bisexuals. “I’m constantly aware no matter where I am or who I’m with that I must be careful with my secret. Yet I long sometimes just to blow it. Just to let it out and hang the cost. But I never do and the tension builds. I want to be respected at work and with friends, but my bisexual secret increases my fear of being rejected.”
Promoting collective pride has become a way of validating group existence, for the sake of both its own self-definition and of how the group is viewed and defined by others. When I asked the question, “Do you take pride in being bisexual?” the answers were somewhat unexpected. “It’s not a question of pride,” one man wrote, “it’s a question of being.” This is a pretty ambiguous statement, yet when broken down I suspect it simply says that existence itself is enough and that pride in a state of being somehow diminishes that state. It is as though pride entailed an element of defensiveness. “No special pride. I simply am.” And: “It’s not a question of pride. It just is.” One man summed up his sexuality in three words: “Yes. For myself.” “Pride may be the wrong word,” a woman wrote. “Lucky is more like it. I’m happy that I am open enough to be able to experience emotional or sexual love with both men and women.”
These are all pointedly individual answers–not the responses of people who look to others before they speak. In this sense the bisexual is like an only child, to him or herself someone special, not a face in the crowd but the face in the crowd…. “Yes; I feel special,” a man wrote, “like being able to experience someth
ing others can’t.”
The bisexual has not been politicized. His or her condition is not yet a cause. In response to the pride question, one woman wrote two terse words: “Not applicable.” Certainly not much group-think here.
Some people did give positive and negative responses to the same question. A few were uncertain. “Can’t say. The issue is still unsettled in my mind. At times I’m up about it and at times I’m down and feel ashamed.” But when the respondents were asked the direct question, “Do you have feelings of shame or guilt in being bisexual?” the majority answered no, though not all the no’s were unqualified. “No. I have only some shame at the idea of being exposed.” And “No. But I did before I really got into it.” Those who answered yes were fewer in number but no less candid. “Yes. I feel shame, anxiety and guilt about homosexual pleasure, so I guess that applies to my bisexuality.”
Though few felt shame and guilt directly, ambivalent feelings and confusion were often expressed in the responses given to the next and last question: “What are your feelings on your own bisexuality and bisexuality in general?” “I accept my own bisexuality but I’m not sure about other people’s.” And: “Ambivalent. Part of it is good and fulfilling, some of it is dehumanizing and demoralizing.” One man expressed his confusion this way: “I’m still thinking deeply about my feeling.” This way of looking at the question and not answering it directly was not unusual: “I don’t feel that I have been involved long enough to offer opinions.” And: “Part of me feels it’s the only way to be and part of me feels that maybe it’s no way to be. I don’t know.”
Though ambivalence and confusion characterized the responses of some, many expressed definite positive feelings: “It’s a part of me–a happy aspect of me.” “It’s great.” And “It’s fine if that’s what you choose to be.” Some answers went into more detail. One woman wrote:
The Bisexual Option Page 14