“Is she okay?”
“Her prognosis is uncertain at the moment, though she’s listed as critical. She’s in surgery at Sinai.”
“Sinai,” she repeated, making sure she had it correctly. “What kind of surgery?”
“While she has multiple injuries, her arm sustained the worst of it. Her elbow practically shattered, according to her father.”
“Oh my God, no,” Natalie said, pushing herself to her feet. She needed her bag and then she needed a cab to the hospital.
“Her father’s plane should be landing soon. Natalie, do you think you can cover some extra performances? We’ll begin rehearsing the designated understudies to get them ready, but it will take a day or two.”
“Of course. Whatever I can do. But I have to go.” Her mind wasn’t on the show at all. It was on Ana and what horrible thing had happened to her. When Natalie emerged from her apartment with her bag, she stared at the door to Ana’s, knowing now that her apartment stood eerily empty. A feeling of dread like none other washed over her, cold and still, nearly paralyzing her there in the hallway. She took a deep breath and willed her mind to calm itself and instead focus on the tasks in front of her.
She needed to move her feet now. One in front of the other. That would get her to the hospital.
That would get her to Ana.
Chapter Seventeen
Natalie had been at the hospital for eight hours as she waited for Ana to regain consciousness following surgery. She was sleep deprived, hungry, and scared, but there was no way she was going anywhere. The beep, beep, beep of the machine next to Ana’s bed kept time in an eerie serenade. The sound, coupled with the sharp smell of disinfectant, had Natalie a little nauseous.
When she’d arrived at the hospital, she’d been relegated to the waiting room where she sat in a cold plastic chair, waiting hours for any sort of update. It hadn’t been until Klaus had arrived, and reluctantly listed her as family on the intake form, that she’d been allowed into Ana’s hospital room. And thank God, because she hadn’t been getting anywhere with the tight-lipped nurses. After a few barked questions, Klaus had them providing whatever information they could on Ana, which still hadn’t been much. He’d turned his gaze on Natalie next and regarded her the way one would a bug indoors. However, she reminded herself that he had been the one to get word to her of the accident, so she remained grateful in spite of the chilly reception.
Seeing Ana in her current state had been terrifying. Even now and with hours to adjust, Natalie still had trouble recognizing her. Her face was pale and swollen and carried a myriad of frightening bruises and lacerations, the one on her forehead deep and requiring stitches. She’d come away from the accident with a concussion they’d need to monitor, and her body appeared battered with a variety of injuries Natalie couldn’t even name. However, it was Ana’s left arm that caused the most concern. She’d severely broken the ulna bone in her forearm, and her elbow had required detailed reconstruction in a lengthy operation. Currently, her arm was immobilized in a brace that came with complicated metal joints and hinges, all of which terrified Natalie. More than anything, she just wanted to stroke Ana’s hair and whisper to her that it was going to be all right. On one hand, she was afraid of hurting Ana. And on the other, she knew that it wasn’t going to be all right. The doctors had confirmed to Klaus that her arm would heal with time and physical therapy, but with the nature of her injury, she would never regain full range of motion.
Translation: Ana was done as a professional ballet dancer and she didn’t even know it yet.
“I need coffee. Strong coffee,” Klaus announced to the room, though Natalie was the only one there.
“Sure. Go ahead. I’ll be here if she wakes up.”
“Do you want the coffee?” he asked, at last making eye contact with her, his voice softer now.
“No, thank you.”
He nodded and left her alone with the beeps, the whirring, and the worry that ate away at her. She slid her chair closer to Ana and took her good hand, interlocking their fingers. “Hey, you. I don’t really know where to start. I’m so very sorry this happened, Ana. So sorry. I know I tease you a lot, and we may argue about silly things, but you’ve come to mean more to me than any other human. So we’re going to get through this together, you hear me? You and me. We got this. So how about you wake up so we can start?” Ana didn’t stir. “You should be warned now that there will probably be lots of kissing along the way. I mean, have you met us? C’mon. I would love it if you would open your eyes, Ana, because I’m really scared about now.”
But apparently Ana wasn’t ready to wake up just yet.
As she waited, Natalie laid her head on the side of the bed next to Ana’s shoulder and waited. Klaus returned after not too long, and they sat in silence as once again, the beeps reminded them of the horror that brought them to this spot.
*
“There she is,” Ana heard a voice say distantly. The sound floated to her as if she were underwater and being called to the surface. She blinked in an attempt to right herself, but everything was blurry and the voices still seemed far away and strange. There was a woman standing over her, that much she could tell. “Anastasia, my name is Wendy. I’m the nurse who will be taking care of you today. Are you able to speak?”
Ana tried to say something, but her mouth was dry and her throat hurt.
“Here you go,” the woman said and placed a straw against her lips.
The water was cool and refreshing even if it did hurt going down. “Thank you,” she rasped. Her voice didn’t seem to be there.
“Anastasia,” the nurse said, “you just had surgery, but you’re doing just fine, okay. You just rest. Can you do that for me?”
Ana stared at her blankly, blinked a few more times, and nodded. She swallowed again, and it was easier this time. A quick check-in with herself revealed that her body felt thick and heavy, as if it weren’t totally hers.
“Your family is here.” The nurse gestured to two people at the foot of Ana’s bed: her father and Natalie. They were there with her, so it was going to be okay. They would make sure.
“Kotik, it is good to see you,” her father said. Maybe she was dreaming, but it seemed as though there were tears in his eyes. Was that possible?
“Hey, you,” Natalie said, standing so that Ana could see her better. She looked tired, as best as Ana could tell.
She attempted to speak, but it took her another moment to gather the strength. “What happened?” she asked finally.
Natalie sent her father a look. “You were in a cab on your way home from Lincoln Center. There was a wrong-way driver and you crashed. You’re okay, but pretty banged up. Try to stay still, okay?”
Ana took a moment. “You did the performance,” she stated, trying to piece it all together.
“I did.”
“I don’t really remember much after that.”
“That’s okay. That’s probably a good thing. You were brought here in an ambulance and the doctors are taking great care of you. Bill called me, and I came right over. Your dad flew in right away.”
“Of course I come,” her father said. Those were tears, Ana realized as he wiped one away. That didn’t bode well.
“We can get you caught up to speed later,” the nurse said, intervening. “Right now I’m going to take your vitals while you rest. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself.” The request wasn’t a hard one to honor, as Ana’s eyes were heavy and seemed to close again of their own volition. She drifted away easily, and maybe when she woke again, everything would be back to normal.
*
The hospital cafeteria left much to be desired.
Natalie picked up one half of the burned grilled cheese sandwich, flipped it over and examined the pattern of the black markings, and set it down again. And repeat. Damn it. Taking a deep breath, she refocused. She needed to eat, as she would have to find the strength to dance the show that night. After pep-talking herself, she took a halfhearted
bite of the now-cold sandwich and forced herself to chew the rubbery bread and cheese combo. She choked down half of the horrific sandwich and called it a victory before heading quickly back to Ana’s room on the third floor.
Ana had been asleep for the past six hours. Natalie had left to allow Klaus some time on his own. He hadn’t said much, though it was clear to Natalie that he was struggling a great deal with his emotions. When she arrived back at the room, however, it wasn’t Klaus she found waiting there, but a wide-eyed Ana.
“Well, look who’s up,” she said and moved to Ana’s bedside.
Ana searched her face as if desperately trying to figure out a difficult puzzle. “What happened to my arm?” she asked. “Natalie, my arm.”
“Where did your father go?” Natalie asked instead.
“To find my doctor. He wouldn’t answer my question. Please tell me. Please.”
Natalie didn’t have a clue how to answer because as she understood it, Ana’s arm was in horrible shape. But she couldn’t avoid the question, with Ana wide-eyed and begging. She was out of her depth with how to tiptoe around that, but she had no choice but to give it a shot. “You had surgery to repair the broken bones in your arm and elbow. That brace keeps your arm from moving so it can heal.”
Ana stared at her as understanding seemed to settle and then flare. Ana’s eyes got wide. “How bad is it?”
“Bad,” Natalie told her. Ana wasn’t going to let her get away with anything but brutal honesty here. “It’s bad. You’re going to be just fine, though, and with therapy, you’re going to get your arm back. It’s just going to take some time.”
“Fully?” Ana asked.
“We can worry about that later. Let me go find your father and that doctor.”
“No. Tell me now! Natalie,” her voice cracked with emotion, “I need to know. Fully?”
It was the question that would make all the difference, and Natalie braced against what she was about to say. This would be the moment Ana learned that her career, or at least the career she knew, was over. “No, sweetheart. Not fully. The doctors don’t think the range of motion will return to what it was.”
Ana shook her head against the pillow as tears pooled and fell. “Please be a dream. It has to be a dream.”
“Ana, you have a concussion. You have to lie still.”
“The cab crashed,” she said, incredulous, in full panic mode. “Then what happened? After it crashed?”
“The best I can understand is that they had to work to get you free. The metal from the car, it was twisted around you.”
Ana stared at the wall as if studying the detail. “There were people there. I remember the EMTs talking to me.”
“You were very lucky.”
She looked at her arm. “Doesn’t feel lucky. God, it’s like my mind won’t work either, to work it all out. Everything is numb. I can’t think.”
Natalie smoothed her hair gently. “You don’t need to think about it now. Let me think about it. I’ve got you, remember? Close your eyes and get some rest.”
There were tears of terror in Ana’s eyes as she looked around the room. “You won’t leave me? Promise?”
“I have Aftermath tonight, but I’ll be here until then. Everything is going to be okay.”
“It’s not. It’s not okay,” Ana said sorrowfully, just as she seemed to drift off again. “I never should have been in that cab.”
Natalie swallowed against the blunt force of that statement, refusing to examine it too closely. She left Ana for the first time that night and did what she could to focus on dancing the way Ana would have, giving it her all. Unfortunately, her all was now diminished by her own emotional state, laced with fear and worry, not to mention the guilt that threatened to overwhelm her if she let it.
When she arrived back at the hospital late that night, Ana’s bed had been raised so that she could sit up a bit. Her gaze fell dull and lifeless on the beige wall across from her.
“Hi,” Natalie said quietly upon entering.
Ana shifted her focus to Natalie and her whole demeanor shifted. Gone was the lifeless stare, and in its place, she looked at Natalie with hurt in her eyes. “Why couldn’t you have let me dance?”
“What?” she heard herself say, her voice barely audible.
“I should have been onstage last night, not in a cab.”
Natalie swallowed against the words she’d feared most. “I didn’t want you to hurt yourself. I was trying to do what I thought—”
“My career is over, Natalie. There’s nothing left for me.”
“That’s not true. You can still have a career. It just might not be—”
Ana shook her head sadly. “The surgeon says if I work hard enough, I’ll regain basic function. Basic. That’s it. You can’t be a professional with the word ‘basic.’”
“I know, I just…I’m so sorry, Ana.” Natalie’s gaze fell to the floor. The spotted pattern of the tile swirled as she allowed herself to feel the full extent of what had transpired. Intentional or not, her actions had robbed Ana of the one thing she treasured over all else. “We’re gonna get through this.”
“We?” Ana’s eyes flashed a combination of anger and sorrow. “You danced a show tonight. You didn’t have anything to get through. I’m the one.”
Natalie blinked against the unexpected assault of words. “I’ll be here with you every step of the way.”
“No.”
Her insides went icy. “No?”
“You should probably leave.”
“I can give you space, but I’m coming back tomorrow.”
“If you care about me at all, Natalie, you won’t do that. When I look at you, I just see the reason I’m in this bed. Maybe that’s not fair, I don’t know, but it’s the reality of my world now, so…”
Natalie stood there paralyzed. Ana wanted her to go. She blamed Natalie for the accident, and hell, maybe she was right to. “Ana.” It was a plea.
“Please go, Natalie.”
“I don’t want to—”
“Go!” Ana shouted.
So she did. Hollowed out and broken inside, Natalie walked slowly from Ana’s hospital room. The color drained slowly from the world around her until everything hung gray and heavy as she made her way home. She’d hurt the one person she cared for most in the world and lost her forever. Numb and empty, she crawled into her bed that night and replayed the events of the past forty-eight hours over and over again until she rushed to the bathroom, physically ill. She held her head in her hands as tears descended, falling thick and hot onto the bathroom floor. She’d give anything to take it all away.
Anything.
*
The second week in the hospital brought with it a shift from difficult to unbearable for Ana. Her body was weak from so much time spent in bed, and her injuries, though healing, still had her in quite a bit of pain. A steady stream of visitors kept the days from dragging on too terribly, but even her friends had a difficult time cheering her up.
For Ana, life was now devoid of all meaning, and each day she struggled served as a harsh reminder that she’d lost everything.
“Mik, I need you to smile,” Jason told her well into one of his visits. The day hadn’t been a good one for Ana, and her frustration had peaked. He’d stopped by every couple of days and had apparently noticed the lack of improvement as far as her spirits went.
“See, that’s the thing,” she told him flatly. “Not feeling like there’s a ton of things to smile at about now. If you were me, you’d feel the same way.”
Jason pivoted from the touchy topic in typical Jason fashion. He wasn’t a fan of conflict. “Any idea when you might be sprung from this place?”
“My doctor thinks end of the week is likely. Just waiting on some of my levels to bounce back.” It was then that the respiratory therapist popped her perky head in the room. Ana winced inwardly. She so didn’t need the perky right now. It took all of her restraint not use her good arm to throw a pillow at the sprite-like crea
ture.
“Whose lungs are ready for their afternoon Jane Fonda?” the young woman asked, and reached for the little floating ball contraption.
“Not sure,” Ana told her. “No one here. Try next door.”
The young woman laughed like she’d just told the joke of the century. “Well, someone has their sense of humor back.”
“Actually I don’t, and I really can’t do the lung thing right now. My friend is here.”
“I can move you to the end of the rotation,” the lung girl said, stricken now but still rallying, “but we need to work those little guys this afternoon.”
“Fine. Come back later, please.”
“Will do.” She offered a crestfallen little salute and exited the room.
“That was hardcore,” Jason told her once they were alone. “She’s only trying to help.”
“I’ll write her an apology letter when I get out of here.” She started to cough then, a result of breathing too deeply. The bottom portion of her lungs had diminished performance, and time spent in her hospital bed was only making them worse.
“Have you given any thought to your father’s offer? Spending some time in Miami while you get better might be awesome.”
“My home is here.”
“I know. I just worry about you once you go home, you know. You’ll need help.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“What about Natalie?”
Ana went still. “What about her?”
“Any change of heart on that front? Listen, you know I’m not a huge fan, but she’s a wreck, Mik. We close the show this week and that’s probably a good thing. I think she might need a little break.”
Ana swallowed against the information, pushing it to the side in the interest of self-preservation. “No, nothing has changed between us,” she said quietly. In actuality, Ana didn’t allow to let herself think about Natalie and what they’d had because at just the mention of her name, something painful and sharp hit and lingered. If she acknowledged the acute loss of that relationship, she’d come undone. The accident hadn’t just stripped her of her ability to dance, it had sliced away at her entire life, and Natalie was part of the collateral damage.
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