"Tor."
"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry."
"It's okay. I was calling because I think that we need to talk. I was wondering if you’d come over to my place tomorrow. My parents are taking the kids and going out of town for the weekend, so there won't be anyone around to bother us."
She dropped her cigarette into an empty soda bottle. "You never called me to tell me that you were sorry for any of that shit you said. And now you call me out of the blue and tell me that you think we need to talk? Am I supposed to drop everything for you Jude?"
“No, Tor. I want to talk to you without a bunch of people around, without Molli around. I want to explain to you how I felt. And I want to do it in person."
She sighed. "Fine."
"I'll pick you down the road from the school, right where that first sign is, about eleven tomorrow then."
“Okay."
"I'll see you. Goodnight Tory."
"Goodnight Jude."
She pushed the button to end the call and lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. She was suddenly so weary that there was nothing more she wanted to do than curl up in her bed and pull the covers over her head and go to sleep.
Jude had called her she thought. Jude wanted to talk to her, to explain. If she had any sense in her head, she would have refused him. It's not like he had said he had broken up with Molli or that he wanted her back, or even that he missed her. And there was still a part of her, a part bigger than she liked to allow herself to think about, that wished that it had been Tony calling.
What was it with guys she wondered? They wanted sex, that was a given, but when you gave them the sex that they wanted, they wanted more.
Tony had never asked her to be his girlfriend, had never called her his girlfriend as far as she knew other than in a passing remark to Carl. But he'd been so upset over her refusal to spend Thanksgiving with his family that he'd done something as stupid as shooting up. She hated to think that she was the cause of his new habit. But she had certainly never seen him do it before. And he'd been less than charitable when discussing needle drug users. He thought that the stuff was as stupid as she did, or so she'd thought.
She was tired, suddenly so drained that she felt like she could sleep for days.
She was definitely going to need her sleep if she was going to deal with Jude tomorrow.
Chapter7
She awoke early the next morning and though she had gotten plenty of sleep, Tory still felt weary. With a sigh, she dug a book out of the bag in her closet and lay back on her bed, trying to keep her mind off of Jude and their upcoming meeting and Tony's idiocy at the same time.
The book was good, a horror novel by one of her favorite authors. She was surprised when she glanced at the clock and found it to be a few minutes after ten a.m.
She marked her place in her book, and set it aside on her desk. She went into the bathroom, frowning at her reflection in the mirror. She'd never been too concerned about her looks. She knew she was pretty. She had Lindsey to thank for the metabolism that allowed her to eat anything she wanted and still keep a trim figure, but she was concerned about looking good for Jude.
Maybe he liked Molli's look, with all the makeup and hair products that still couldn't completely manage to tame her wild curls. Had he become uninterested in her because she preferred the natural look? Or had it all just come down to the fact that she had been unwilling to go to bed with him she wondered?
She ran a brush through her hair and applied a bit of the flavored lip gloss that was the closest she ever got to cosmetics. It's not like Jude had invited her over because he wanted to go to bed with her she thought. Or was it?
She frowned at herself in the mirror. What exactly did Jude want from her? She switched the bathroom light off, and grabbed her bag, shoving the half full bottle of soda she'd bought that morning into it, and adding the bottle that she'd been using as an ashtray.
She went out the back door, and tossed the 'ashtray' into the dumpster behind the school and made her way around to the front of the property. Though she didn't see anyone, she knew that there were security guards somewhere.
She wasn't sure what hours they worked when classes were in session, but she knew that they were around 24/7 during vacations and holidays when the school was virtually empty. Walking down the road, she lit her last cigarette, looking for Jude's beat up truck ahead.
When she discarded her cigarette a few minutes later she could see that he was waiting for her.
He leaned over to open the passenger door as she walked up to the truck. "Hey Tory," he said, giving her an easy smile. "You look good."
"Thanks. You do too."
Of course he looked good she thought. It didn't matter that he was short and a little on the skinny side. It had never mattered that his voice still cracked at times. Jude had always looked good to her. It hadn’t matter whether he was wearing a t-shirt and jeans like he was now or the rented tux that he'd worn when he'd taken her to his junior prom.
She was suddenly lost in memories and was glad that he remained silent as he drove the short distance to the trailer park where he lived. As he pulled into the park, she noticed that it was beginning to look a little run down, or at least more run down than she remembered it. There was a trailer on the end of the first row that had some back windows broken out. She wondered what had gone on.
The doublewide that Jude's family lived in was always well kept; though his parents both worked long hours and his mom were a self-proclaimed pot head and his dad an alcoholic.
They exited the truck and walked up the narrow stairs. When he unlocked and then opened the door, she could see that the house was as neat as always though you could tell there were several children that lived there by the different sizes of shoes that were stacked by the front door and the numerous children’s DVDs and videos on the packed shelves of the entertainment center.
"You want something to drink?" He said, as she sat uncomfortably on the couch.
"A glass of ice would be fine." She pulled the soda out of her shoulder bag.
He went to the kitchen, pulled out a can of soda out of the refrigerator and then filled two glasses with ice. "I forgot you drink that diet crap. My mom used to give you shit about that."
"Yeah.”
She remembered. She'd really liked Jude's family. His mom was funny. His little sisters were so adorable that they almost made Tory want kids. His brother was the most brilliant thirteen year old she'd ever met. His dad wasn't so bad. He wasn't obnoxious or mean when he was drunk and he never drank around the kids. He drank when the kids were in bed and out of the house, or at the bar.
"How is your family doing?"
“They're good. Marissa is in a play at school that she's really excited about, Joelle is taking ballet lessons. Jacob is doing so well in school this year that they're talking about letting him skip a grade. And Mom and Dad are doing good, too. Dad got a raise and he's cut back on his drinking. Mom and he made a deal that if she cut back on her pot smoking that he'd ease up on the booze. So things have been pretty good around here. How have you been?"
"I've been all right. School is boring, too damn easy as usual. I can't wait to get to college. I just wish that I could figure out what the hell I want to do with my life."
"Are you seeing that guy? The one who always has the crazy parties? Toby or whatever?"
“His name is Tony but yeah, I. . . No, I'm not anymore. Jude, I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but why am I here? You're still seeing Molli and so much time has gone by. Why do you feel the need to explain yourself to me now when you didn't feel the need when I found you and Molli half-naked in the woods?"
He gave her a pained look. "Did I really mean so little to you that you need to say things like that to me?"
"Jude, I loved you. I still love you and probably always will but I don't know what the hell you want from me."
"Does it have to be like this? I don't want you to hate me. I'd like to think that we can be mature about
this whole thing, that we can be friends."
"We were never friends in the first place. We started dating right after we met and that was what it was. I wouldn't have sex with you because I didn't want it to be some cheap encounter on a blanket in the woods or in your truck. You decided that you didn't want to live with that anymore so. . ."
He reached for a cigarette from a pack on the table. "You make it sound so cheap. I wasn't trying to pressure you into something you weren't ready for. I wanted to be with you in every way possible. I thought it was the natural next step. I loved you too Tor. We had a commitment. It was like I wanted it so much more than you did."
"Can I have a cigarette please?" If she was going to listen to him try to blame everything on her, she was going to need one she thought.
"Yeah.” He gestured to the pack. "So what's his name got you addicted?"
"His name is Tony damn it. What he may or may not have gotten me addicted to is none of your business."
He watched her light the cigarette and then picked his glass of soda off of the table, taking a slow sip.
"So you're fucking him?"
"My sex life is none of your business. And I already know that you're screwing Molli every chance you get, so can we just shut the hell up about sex, please?"
"Fine.”
But she could see by the look on his face that he didn't want to drop the subject. She could understand that she had probably hurt his manly pride by hopping into bed with seemingly the first guy that came along after he'd been begging her to go to bed with him for a year and a half at least, but right now she was past caring. She didn't want to deal with his bruised ego. Had he brought her there to see if he could find out if she was sleeping with Tony she wondered?
"You said you wanted to explain yourself to me. Was it just about sex or was it something else? Did you decide that you preferred bimbos?"
"Molli's not a bimbo. And what the hell do you have to say? You were going to bed with a damn drug dealer when you claimed to love me and yet refused to sleep with me."
"Love doesn't have to be about sex and sex does not have to be about love."
He stubbed his cigarette out in a dirty ashtray on the table. "Now you're telling me that you don't love the guy, yet you hopped into bed with him after knowing him how long?"
She gave him a wicked smile. What the hell did it matter now she thought? If he wanted honesty, she was going to give it to him in spades.
"I screwed him the same night that I caught you with Molli. You took me to that party at his house right after school started so I'd say that I knew him about two weeks when I went to bed with him. And I didn't regret it either. You hurt me Jude. You hurt me so bad you can't imagine. I get to deal with Molli's smug smile every time I see her. She's getting a really big kick out of the whole thing, and you're trying to tell me that she's not a bimbo?"
"Damn Tory. Okay, I know she can be a bitch sometimes. I'll tell her to lay off okay?"
"Whatever. You still haven't explained yourself. If you brought me over here to discuss our sex lives since we've been apart then you can take me back to school right now. I'm not going to play this game Jude."
"No, Tory. I'm sorry."
He reached a hand out and put it on her arm. Before she could blink, he had pulled her into his arms and was kissing her. She wanted to push him away, wanted to tell him to go screw himself, that there was no way in hell she was going to end up in bed with him now, but she couldn't stop herself from kissing him back.
Her body responded to him in the way that it always had. It was almost easy for her to pretend that they'd never been apart, that Molli and Tony had never existed in their lives, because it felt so right. After a few minutes of heated kissing, he took her hand and led her down the hall to his bedroom.
She wanted to tell him to stop as he moved to unbutton her jeans, but she couldn't bring herself to speak the words. She wanted this she thought, wanted to know what it felt like for Jude to make love to her.
She was a little disappointed when it was over. The almost frenzied passion that she'd always found with Tony was missing. While she supposed that Jude was a better than average lover, she never came close to orgasm and Jude didn't seem to care. Tony always made sure that their sex was as good for her as it was for him and while she supposed that a lot of men behaved like Jude, she found the whole thing quite ironic.
She could find such satisfaction in the arms of a man who had never told her he loved her, who rarely talked about the future than she'd had with someone she'd been in a relationship with for two years.
He kissed her after they were both dressed and then gave her a smile that was so full of smug satisfaction that she wanted to smack him and knock it right off of his face.
"It wasn't so bad was it?"
"No, Jude, it was very nice."
She held back a sigh. How wrong was it to want to escape from the arms of the man you were in love with, to the arms of a man who would probably never tell you he loved you and who would easily move on to the next girl when you left town? It was all a bunch of bullshit, that's what it was she thought.
"Good. You hungry? We can order a pizza or we can probably dig up something in the kitchen if you don't want to wait. I'm sure there are still some leftovers."
"Pizza would be fine."
All she really wanted to do was go back to school and curl up in bed with a book she thought. Jude had totally blindsided her and she'd didn't appreciate it one bit. He was acting like she was still his girlfriend as he dialed the phone, asking about the specials that the pizza place had.
Acting like he wasn't dating Molli and that she wasn't pregnant, acting like it was normal to take your ex-girlfriend to bed and then feed her dinner like all was right and good. Did he expect her to be his girl on the side now that she'd slept with him she wondered? She wanted to ask him, but instead sat down on the couch, lighting another cigarette.
Let Jude think whatever he wanted. She wasn't willing to be anything but the main girl in his life she thought. If he wanted her back in his life, he was going to have to get rid of Molli and that was that. The pizza arrived. They ate in the kitchen, neither speaking.
"You wanna watch a movie?" He put the remainder of the pizza on a plate wrapped with plastic wrap and slid it on top of a plate in the already full refrigerator. "My brother made my mom buy him one on those slasher flicks that just came out on DVD. I know you like that shit, or at least you used to."
"Okay."
She thought the movie was a little lame; a campy grade b horror movie with special effects that were too pathetic to be scary. But she enjoyed sitting on the couch with Jude, snuggled up against his chest the way they always used to watch movies together when his parents weren't home and his younger siblings were in bed.
It was dark out by the time the movie ended. He got up and went to use the bathroom, coming back and offering her a cigarette. She accepted it and was fully expecting him to offer to take her back to school when he said almost shyly "Tor would you stay with me tonight?"
"I um. . ." The expression on his face reminded her so much of a small child begging his parents for a new toy that she wanted to reach out and pat him on his head.
"I always imagined waking up with you in my arms. I'll cook you breakfast in the morning. I'm not much of a cook, but Mom says that I'm already better at it than Dad is so that's got to count for something right?"
She gave him a half-hearted smile. "I don't know if I should.”
"Look Tor, I've known for a long time now that I've got no future with Molli. She's pretty, but beyond that there's just not much there. I can't worry about how the heck I'm gonna pay for school with someone hanging on who's never going to be anything more than a trophy wife."
She frowned at him. "Then why are you still with her?"
"She's really attached to me. I've been trying to figure out a way to let her down gently. But she just doesn't get it. She's making these plans about going away to school together
when it's obvious she won't ever make it into a decent school with her grades. I could get into a good school as long as I keep my grades up. With me it's just the money. I love my family more than anything and wouldn't give them up for the world. I just wish sometimes that there was more money you know? Molli’s so in love with me and I don't want to hurt her. I think I'm gonna break up with her after graduation. It's hard Tor."
She looked away from him, trying to figure out if anything he was telling her was remotely true. She knew that Jude got decent grades in school, though he couldn't touch his little brother in the brains department. He had mentioned the issue of money for college before, of not wanting to be in debt for years with student loans, and that made sense to her.
But what he had told her about Molli all seemed like an excuse. Wouldn't it hurt Molli less to break up with her now, she thought, when they'd only been together a relatively short time, than at the end of the school year when they'd been together another six or seven months? And she also didn't buy into his whole excuse about how in love with him Molli was.
Tory had virtually worshipped the ground he'd walked on, doing everything for him besides going to bed with him. Helping him watch his brother and sisters, helping him with chores, helping him study. Hell, she'd helped his mom fold laundry and read stories to his little sisters, and braided Joelle's hair one night. She'd practically been part of the family, and he was telling her that Molli was attached to him she thought?
She had a feeling that all he was trying to do was talk her into going to bed with him again. All of the crap he'd told her about wanting to wake up with her in his arms sounded like a come on line.
"Tor?"
"Yes Jude?"
How she missed Tony she thought. He didn't need come on lines. He was perfectly obvious about it when he wanted to get her into bed.
"Will you stay with me please?"
"Yeah."
"Cool. You wanna see what's on TV? Or we've got some new video games if you want to play something, or I've got some new CDs if you want to listen to music. Whatever you want."
Misty Reigenborn Romance Boxed Set Page 104