“Yeah right. I may not be fat, but I’m not a size zero. And I like my tongue piercing and my tattoos way too much to ever get rid of them.”
“You don’t really think I’m fat do you?”
“No Mellenda. Of course not.”
“Thanks. You’re not so bad when you’re not trying to act cool. Give it up. They all judged you before you came here. Don’t think that it didn’t get around that you’re on some antidepressant and that you tried to kill yourself. The sex stuff, none of the girls can say anything about. I don’t think there’s a single freshman that’s a virgin at this place-but they all know about that too. So, be yourself, even if you are kind of a slut. But don’t bother trying to steal my man like you stole Tory’s. Ricky’s mine.”
“Okay Mellenda. But I did hear that Ricky wanted to ask me out before he asked you.”
Mellenda snorted. “Yeah right. Keep dreamin’ girl. Goodnight Molli.” She reached over and turned off the light.
“Night Mellenda.”
Mellenda shook her head as she snuggled back into bed. Ricky and Molli? There was no way in hell that Ricky would ever go out with Molli. Rumor had it that she had lost her virginity at thirteen and had been screwing around ever since. That was supposed to be one of the reasons that her parents had decided to send her to Crestview.
As Mellenda drifted off to sleep, she realized that she actually had heard that Ricky had wanted to ask Molli out before he’d asked her out. She was going to talk to him first thing in the morning she thought.
Chapter 2
Mellenda awoke early the next morning. She took a quick shower and then got dressed. She figured that she’d go hang out in town so that she wouldn’t be stuck in the dorm with Molli all day. Even if Molli had her rare moments when she could be kind of okay, Mellenda didn’t want to hang out with her.
She headed out into the woods and dialed Ricky’s cell phone. She knew that he went into work later on Sundays so she figured she should be able to catch him before he left.
He picked up on the second ring. “Good morning beautiful. How are you?”
“I’ve been better Ricky. I had a strange conversation with my stupid slut of a roommate last night.”
“I see.”
“I wouldn’t bother to tell you about it if it didn’t involve you.”
“How did it involve me darling?” Mellenda thought that Ricky’s voice sounded cautious. She was beginning to think that even if he hadn’t slept with Molli, that there was someone else on his mind.
“The dumb bitch told me that she had sex with you on my bed.”
Ricky cleared his throat. “That’s ridiculous Mellenda. Doing something like that could get you both expelled from school.”
“I know that. But she didn’t seem to give a shit like usual. When I got back from the library, the window was wide open and it smelled like someone had been smoking in the bathroom.” She wanted to make a snide remark about Molli’s lover buying cologne that cost $0.99 it smelled so bad, but she paused. What if it had been Ricky in their room? The very thought pissed her off, but she didn’t want to offend him. She felt like an idiot, but she was going to work as hard as she could to make sure his interests stayed with her. “Why did you call me so many times last night? I love the sound of your voice, but I was busy studying babe. I have to keep my grades up if I want to be valedictorian.”
“Honey, I’m sure you have it locked in. I wanted to talk to you about something. It wasn’t as important as I’d thought it was though, because I’ve forgotten what it was.”
“Oh.”
“I have to finish getting ready for work. I’ll talk to you later Mellenda.”
“Okay. Wait. Ricky?”
“Yes darling?”
“This probably sounds like a silly question but.” She took a deep breath and then let it out. “Is there something on your mind? Or someone else on your mind? I know that it’s not that dumb whore Molli, but is there something that you want that I’m not giving you Ricky? I love you. I want you to be happy. I know that I’m not always the most open girl sexually, but I can try. I want our relationship to work.”
“Our relationship has always worked Mellenda. I love you. I don’t want you to think that there’s something that you’re not giving me. I understand that you’re reserved when it comes to sex. I know that I’m not the first man that you’ve been with, but not all women feel comfortable enough to tell a man exactly what they want in the bedroom. You’ve gotten better, but sometimes it feels as if you’re still much more comfortable telling me what you don’t want rather than what you do want in bed.”
“I’m sorry. It’s not that I don’t trust you. It just feels so weird to talk about stuff like that. I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about sex besides you. My parents don’t know that I exist and I was too young when my sister died to even think about sex. I’m not some stupid slut like Molli that gave it up when I was thirteen. I promise I’ll try Ricky. Can we spend next weekend together? I miss spending the weekend with you. I love waking up in your arms.”
Ricky sighed. “I’m sorry darling. I have to work again.”
“You always have to work. I know that you have a good job and that you want to keep it, but isn’t it too much sometimes? You’re only nineteen and you work more than full time most of the time and you go to school full time too. Don’t you ever just want to be young?”
“Of course I do. I have obligations Mellenda. You understand that don’t you?”
“Yeah. It just sucks sometimes. I miss you. I can’t wait until I start school next fall. Then we can be together all of the time. Is it still going to be okay for me to stay at your place over the summer? I don’t want to go home. Why should I bother when I’m invisible anyway? That house is full of ghosts now. Not just my sister and the baby. My parents might as well be ghosts too. I think they wish they had died sometimes too.”
“I know it’s hard for you sweetheart. It shouldn’t be a problem for you to stay with me over the summer. I have to go Mellenda. I’ll talk to you later okay?”
Mellenda sighed. “Okay. Bye Ricky. I love you.”
“I love you too darling. Goodbye Mellenda.”
Mellenda hung up her phone. She hurried to the bus stop. She’d decided that she was going to have breakfast at a local diner and then hang around town for a while. She planned on working out for a little while before she went back to school too and had tucked an extra set of clothes into her shoulder bag.
The local community center that housed the gym didn’t have the best workout facilities, but it was what Brentwood had to offer. Guys hit on her all the time when she was working out. Most of them were older and very creepy. Since she had good sized breasts she had heard many of what she considered to be both disgusting and rather unimaginative comments when she was working out.
She reached the bus stop and waited impatiently for the bus to come. The bus ran even less often on Sundays. She was tempted to walk to downtown Brentwood, but when she had made her decision to walk, the bus pulled up. She got on and ran her monthly bus pass. The driver gave her a kind smile. He was very cute and looked young, but he’d never said much other than hello to her and he wore a wedding ring.
As she sat down towards the back of the bus, she felt a little guilty about all the dirty thoughts she had about guys like the bus driver, the security guard from Crestview, and Mr. Harris. She sometimes still thought about Tony. That bugged the hell out of her, especially since if she wanted to be completely honest with herself, she was kind of jealous that he was going out with Tory.
She leaned back in her seat and glanced out the window, letting her mind drift to Tony. He was gorgeous but she hadn’t ever really planned on being with him long term. She thought that it would have been funny if her parents had found out she was going out with him. She’d thought that maybe knowing that their remaining child was screwing a drug dealer just might have been enough to break them out of their antidepressant induced stupor, but then
again, she wondered if anything would ever really break them out of it.
She let her mind drift away from Tony and back to Ricky. Ricky was almost perfect, but even thoughts of him were beginning to depress her. What if he was cheating on her? What if she lost him? Not to Molli, because the thought of them together was really ridiculous to her, but to some other stupid slut?
She never would have thought before that Ricky’s head could be turned by some tramp, but now she wondered. She was going to work out extra hard today and walk back to school. She was going to get the breakfast with the least calories. She was going to make sure that she worked out enough in the upcoming weeks that by the time the holidays rolled around, she was in a jeans size that was a least a size smaller than what she wore now.
Mellenda sighed as she reached the front of the bus. The bus driver heard her and gave her a concerned look. “Are you okay honey?”
She nodded. “I’m fine. Thank you.” He pulled up at her stop and opened the doors. “Have a nice day.”
He winked at her. “I always have a nice day when I see you.”
She laughed as she got off of the bus. She figured that he had been flirting with her at least a little, and it was flattering even if he was married. She walked the few blocks to the diner. She opened the door and was seated by a waitress.
She ordered a glass of orange juice and the low calorie breakfast. The waitress made a face and said “Honey, if you ordered that crap because you think you need to lose weight, you’re insane. You’re beautiful. If a man is dumb enough to think that a girl that looks the way you do isn’t gorgeous just because you have curves, then he doesn’t deserve you anyway.”
Mellenda laughed. “Thank you. I don’t really mind that stuff. My parents always made sure we ate healthy when I was growing up.”
The waitress shook her head. “If you insist sweetheart. It’ll be right up. Hey, isn’t that guy I always see you with your boyfriend? The really good looking one with the dark hair?”
Mellenda nodded. “He is.”
“Where is he today?”
She sighed. “He’s at work like usual. It sucks that he has to work so much.”
The waitress laughed. “When you get to be my age, you start to wish that your man worked more so that you don’t have to put up with him.”
“I hope not. If I marry Ricky, I don’t think that I’ll have that problem.”
“Ah young love. I’ll be right back with your juice hon.”
“Thank you.”
The waitress soon returned with her juice. Mellenda took a sip and wondered if she could get away with texting Ricky. She knew that he was at work by now and he didn’t like to text much, but she was bored and she really did miss him. She figured that she should probably leave him alone though. She didn’t want to look desperate or to seem clingy.
Her breakfast soon arrived. She ate quickly. She left the waitress a nice tip and then paid her bill, glad that her parents at least had enough money to send her a generous monthly allowance. She didn’t buy much other than clothes and hygiene products, since she was trying to save money for a car, but even with what her parents sent her every month, she was still nowhere near where she wanted to be in her savings.
She wandered around downtown for a while. She ran into Jude in the grocery store. She wondered why he wasn’t with Molli, and almost wanted to ask him if he’d been in their room the night before, but dismissed the idea when he openly checked out her breasts and gave her a big grin when she gave him a dirty look when she saw him looking.
She ate lunch at a sandwich shop and then wandered around another little while before she headed to the community center. She worked out for an hour and then took a long shower. She liked being able to shower there. The place was normally pretty empty. It sometimes creeped her out to think about all the diseases the girls at Crestview probably had and she definitely didn’t like to take a shower when the smelly lesbians in her class that wanted to be social workers were around.
They were openly into each other, and weren’t shy about ogling other girls in the shower room either. Leslie had made lewd comments to her several times, but Beth, the shorter chunkier girl, never said anything. She just stared at Mellenda’s breasts and her butt and practically drooled.
Mellenda figured that it was time she headed back to school. She didn’t think about much of anything as she walked. She didn’t want to think about Ricky. It was still making her sad. She didn’t know what she’d do if she lost him.
When she reached the school, no guard was around. She wondered how they were supposed to be able to protect the place when they weren’t around half the time, but then she figured if the young guy was on, he was probably having sex with some other slut. And the older guy who was working with him, who knew? It was gross enough to think about her classmates doing it with a hot young guard to stay out of trouble, let alone to think that they stooped so low as to do it with one of the fat older guards that she had seen.
Mellenda was rather depressed when she got back to her room. Molli ignored her and she was glad. She didn’t want to talk to that stupid slut anyway she thought. She read a magazine, trying to come up with a way to spice up her sex life, and then went to bed early.
Chapter 3
Mellenda and Ricky fought a lot after that. He always seemed as if he was a million miles away when they were together. She was sure that she was losing him. She was depressed and worried, and not just about her relationship. Leslie Worthington had started to look at her more and more in the halls.
It was nothing new because Leslie was notoriously horny and brazenly checked out girls all the time, not just in the halls but in the shower rooms, but Mellenda had another reason to be worried that Leslie was studying her closely. One that she didn’t like to think about but that she knew could cost her her college education and possibly Ricky. Though as the days passed, she was sure that she wouldn’t have to worry for too much longer about keeping Ricky.
He suggested that they take a break. She told him no. She felt like a bitch and a coward for holding on to their relationship so tightly when it was beginning to be more and more obvious that he was slipping away from her, but she wasn’t going to let him go without a fight.
When they were together and weren’t fighting she tried to be more open with him sexually. She made sure that she gave him lots of blow jobs, because she knew that was something that could make or break a relationship for some guys. It wasn’t that she particularly liked giving them-it was that she knew Ricky enjoyed them.
On Halloween she was stuck in her room. Ricky had to work and there was no way she was going to some stupid party in Brentwood alone. Molli left shortly after darkness fell, dressed up like a prostitute. Mellenda made a snide remark, but she didn’t get any satisfaction out of it. Molli had seemed really happy lately. It made her want to throw something at her roommate’s head.
She didn’t think that it was fair that Molli was happy when she was so damned miserable. When Molli came back in a few hours later, cheeks flushed and still looking happy, Mellenda gave her a dirty look.
“Showing your true colors?”
“Get over yourself Mellenda. Just because you’re in a bad mood doesn’t mean you need to take everybody around you with you.” Molli turned away and gathered her things to head to the shower.
Mellenda threw Molli’s pillow at the door when Molli left. She felt a little juvenile, but she stepped on it and then left it there. Molli didn’t say anything to her when she got back, just picked her pillow up, brushed it off and put it back on her bed.
November passed with more of the same. Mellenda called Ricky every day and seemed to fight with him at least half the time. Their love making didn’t feel anywhere near like what it used to either, when she could talk him into making love to her at all.
Towards the middle of the month, Mellenda had so much on her mind that she felt like she was going to burst. She was worried about college, she was worried about losing Ricky
and guilt was beginning to eat at her. It felt like a strange sort of divine intervention one night. Mellenda knew that she had to let at least one of her secrets out.
Mellenda was lying on her bed reading a magazine while Molli sat at the desk and did her homework. She flipped the page and saw an article about abortion and the feelings that women experience after having one. She started to read, but it all sounded like crap to her.
She felt bad about having had an abortion, especially since she hadn’t told Ricky about it, but she didn’t feel any of the things that these women claimed to feel. She didn’t feel empty, and she’d certainly never thought she’d heard her baby crying in the middle of the night. She looked at Molli’s head bent over her text book and hid a sigh. She suddenly wondered if her roommate had ever had an abortion or thought about having one.
Mellenda said “Molli?”
Molli didn’t look up from her math book. “Yeah?”
“Have you ever thought about having an abortion?”
Molli looked at Mellenda then. “No. Why?”
“Can I tell you something?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Mellenda laughed. “Don’t sound so enthused Molli. I can talk to someone else if you’d rather not hear it.”
“We’ve never really been friends Mellenda. We’re roommates that barely seem to tolerate each other.”
“I never wanted it to be like that. We’re so different. So, what I was saying was, I had an abortion.”
“You had an abortion?”
“Yes. Earlier this year.”
“Why?”
Mellenda sighed. “I had only been with Ricky a couple of months and our relationship was still so new. I kind of lied to him about having birth control then, because I wanted to know what it felt like to have sex without a condom. So, I feel like it was my fault that I got pregnant.”
She wasn’t telling Molli the complete truth, but it wasn’t Molli’s business that she’d still been having sex with Tony. She wasn’t going to make it Molli’s business because she had a feeling it would be all over school if she did.
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