He was giving her room to make her own choices, even though the tendons in his neck protruded, underlining the control he was exerting over his own desires.
Outside, thunder suddenly rumbled, just before a streak of lightning sliced open the skies. A few drops of rain hit the roof. Hesitant. A ping here. A pang there.
“It sounds like it’s going to rain.”
“Is it?” Impatience darkened his tone.
“Yes.”
“Say it, Abby. I need to hear the words.”
She searched his face for answers to the uncertainty that made her hesitate. Her eyes burned from the need to blink. But she couldn’t look away. “This morning you said you couldn’t sleep in the same bed with me and not make love to me? Did you mean it?”
“Yes.”
The hoarse honesty of his response pulled at her. She couldn’t walk away from that kind of need. Even if she wanted to. And she didn’t want to. She wanted Devlin. “I don’t think I could sleep in the same bed with you, either.”
“Don’t just tell me what you think I want to hear.”
She went to him without hesitation. “I want you, too. I tried not to. I wanted to keep my end of the contract. I—”
He cut her off by pulling her into his arms. “To hell with the bloody contract.”
His mouth came down on hers as the skies opened up and dropped pounding rain to the starving earth.
***
CHAPTER 10
Devlin needed Abby more than he’d ever thought it humanly possible to need anyone. His hunger for her was so consuming he didn’t know if he could make it to the bedroom.
But he pushed his own desires aside as he carried Abby into the bedroom and placed her gently on the big comforter and then lay down next to her. The intoxicating passion in her eyes nearly made him forget his decision to go slow, to make this right for her.
If ever a woman needed to be loved, it was Abby. She’d learned not to ask for love because such expectations led to inevitable hurt.
Devlin knew he couldn’t make up for her past, but he could give her a future and make sure she never went hungry again.
He drew her close to him, and the pure joy of feeling her body next to his was mind-spinning torture. She raised her hand and touched his face.
Turning his face, he kissed the tender side of her wrist.
“I never thought . . .” She stopped midsentence.
“You never thought what?”
Her laugh was short, husky and uncertain. “I never thought I’d feel like this.”
“Tell me.” He ran his fingers down the slender arch of her throat, and then put his mouth to the path he’d blazed.
She drew a sharp intake of breath. “Excited. Shaky. Scared.”
He lifted her hand against his chest, allowing her to feel the thunderous roar inside him. “You’re not alone.”
Her gaze, wide and uncertain, scanned his.
He threaded his fingers through hers, pulling her hand above her head. “Tell me what you want.”
Confusion puckered her forehead. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Where do you want me to touch you? How fast or how slow do you want us to go?” His raspy voice reflected the strain of holding himself in check. Just being this close to her made the ache inside of him nearly unbearable. But he refused to give in to it. There would be little satisfaction if Abby’s needs weren’t met first.
On their wedding night, he’d allowed passion to set the pace and sweep them both away. He wouldn’t allow that to happen tonight. There was more at stake. Their coming together had to be a gift for Abby. Something she could unwrap slowly, savor and relish, understanding this was hers and hers alone. No one else would be able to take this from her. Not ever. She didn’t have to stand in line, or wait for hand-me-downs or castoffs. This lovemaking would be hers alone. He wanted her to claim their union and understand that no one else would push her aside. Or send her away.
She had found a home. Deep inside of him.
This is where she belonged. Forever.
Her hands fluttered against his shirt, hesitating at the buttons. “I want you to find pleasure, too.”
“Your pleasure is mine.” And he might die from the pure love of it.
She didn’t wait for him to change his mind. Instead, she looped her hands behind his neck and pulled his mouth down to hers. Her lips brushed against his, light and uncertain at first, then passion took over and she opened her mouth and invited him inside.
Devlin fought to keep the pace even, so she wouldn’t be lost and overwhelmed by the desire writhing between them. But Abby undermined his control.
Taking him at his word, her fingers attacked the buttons on his shirt and then the rest of his clothes. The details and order blurred. Devlin could only keep track of the woman in his arms. Holding her was like trying to capture a bolt of lightning. Unpredictable. Electrifying. Consuming. He wanted to cherish her, make her feel desired and special.
Yet she wouldn’t hold still. Even being almost five months pregnant, she twisted around him. Her hands were everywhere. Enticing him with quicksilver caresses. Driving him crazy with their boldness.
“Slow down.” The words came from his mouth before he could think.
She lifted her head, her fingers pausing. “Am I hurting you?”
“Not unless you think breathing is important.”
His confession caused a dimple of mischief to dart into her cheek. “Is it?”
“What?”
“Breathing? Is it important?” With that, the little vixen nipped his earlobe.
Devlin reacted with a growl. “Not any longer.”
Then he rolled over on top of her and took control.
To heck with all his good intentions. She was determined to bring him to his knees.
The only choice she left him was to take her with him.
The call of nature woke Abby at her usual time the next morning.
Easing herself out from under Devlin’s arms with great reluctance, she was rather amazed how well their bodies had curled together in spoon-like fashion even though they’d only slept together one other time. She’d slept so naturally in his arms. So trustingly. There had been a rightness she couldn’t remember ever feeling before.
She left the bedside and slipped into the bathroom. When she emerged a few minutes later, she saw that Devlin was still asleep, his face now buried in her pillow.
Looking at her sleeping husband, who was dead to the world, a curious satisfaction and warmth expanded inside of her. Even with his hair tousled by sleep and his beautiful green eyes hidden by thick lashes, he was a powerful and compelling man. She only had to recall the vivid details of their lovemaking the night before to remember the impact he had on her senses. Not once had she worried about his reaction to her bulky figure. She should have been self-conscious, but the way Devlin had touched her made her forget everything except him.
In the end, he’d given her something. He made her feel wanted.
That realization confused and frightened her. Wanting could only lead to disappointment.
She longed to climb back into bed and reclaim the place at his side before he awoke. But if she did, they’d make love again and she’d forget about why she was here and what her responsibilities were. That was a mistake she could not afford to make.
Giving one more longing glance at her husband sleeping peacefully in bed, she turned away and grabbed her robe.
Abby didn’t become aware of Devlin’s presence until his arms came from behind her and scooped her off the chair into his arms.
She couldn’t contain the glow of warmth curling inside of her.
“What are you doing out of bed?” He nuzzled her neck, kissing the sensitive area behind her ear. “I didn’t give you permission to leave, did I?”
“Since when do I need permission?”
“Since I discovered how to make you purr.”
She pulled away from him and treated him to a mock fr
own. “You make me sound like a cat.”
“You are. I’ve got the scratch marks to prove it.” He started to reach for her again, when he caught sight of the notebook spread out on the desk. He picked it up and eyed the neat columns of numbers she’d written down. “What’s this?”
“It’s the notebook where I’ve been keeping track of my hours to pay off the debt I owe you.”
A coolness chased away the warmth in his expression. His arms slackened and fell away from her. “And working on this was more important than staying in bed with me?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then what are you saying?”
She refused to let his coldness deter her. “The kids will be home soon and I wanted to finish this so I could spend more time with them.” When he didn’t say anything, just stood there watching her, she added, “I want to give them top priority.”
She flinched as soon as the words left her mouth. “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”
His eyebrow lifted. “Really? You didn’t mean that the kids and this job were more important than spending time with me?”
“You’re trying to twist my meaning,” she said quietly.
“Then give me a better definition.” He folded his arms.
But she wasn’t sure she could. Not without bungling it badly. “We agreed when we got married that my first priority would be the children. I also promised to pay back the loan. But that doesn’t mean—”
“Mean what? That I’m not a priority?” He didn’t wait for her answer but turned toward the door.
Then he paused and looked back at her. “What would it take to make you tear up the contract between us?”
She swallowed. “Why would I want to do that?”
“For love?”
“Love?” she echoed. Last night, he’d made her feel beautiful. Now she felt awkward and uncertain. “What does love have to do with this?”
Two strides brought him back in front of her again. “Maybe I want a real marriage where a husband and wife don’t put other things like careers and money between them.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I love you, Abby,” he said quietly, with conviction. “That’s what I want.”
She stared at him helplessly, numbed by a sense of powerlessness. If she’d opened her mouth, she was afraid she’d start dribbling nonsense. Nothing in her life had prepared her for this moment. She’d been taught too well not to trust. Not to count on easy promises of love. She’d only had her own integrity. Her own personal code.
Devlin’s arms clamped down on her shoulders. “Do you love me?”
The walls around her seemed to close in.
Love was fool’s gold. Something that looked good on the outside but didn’t have the riches inside. She’d been hurt too many times. Love was easy to dispense and just as easy to withdraw.
Voices from the ghosts of her past suddenly roared into her head.
She’d believed the Birminghams when they told her, “As soon as Grandpa gets well and can go back to his own house, we’ll send for you, Abby. You’ll be our daughter.”
She’d never questioned Susie Conrad when she’d vowed, “I’ll write you every week because you’re my best friend in the whole world and no one can take your place.”
She’d risked her heart and soul every time John said, “I’ve got to play poker tonight, honey. Tonight’s my lucky night and I’ll buy you a big ring to show you how much I love you.”
She knew Devlin didn’t belong to any of those voices. He was a man of his word. But she wasn’t sure she knew how to love and give him what he wanted. Betrayal and rejection had deadened something inside of her.
Devlin was asking too much.
Yet she desperately wanted to slip into his arms and force the doubts and fears away. She wanted to take the chance. If it had been just her, she might have at least tried.
But what about the children?
“What about Jason, Riley, Paige and the baby?”
His mouth tightened. “What about them?”
“They’re counting on us.”
“Loving each other would be the best gift we could give them.”
“And what if this isn’t real?” She pleaded with him for assurances she knew he couldn’t give her. “What if we end up disappointing each other, and end up hating each other because of that disappointment?”
“That isn’t going to happen.”
She shook her head impatiently. “You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.”
How could she expect him to see? “I wish I had your faith, but I can’t afford to. Neither of us can. Our children need two parents who will honor and respect each other. They shouldn’t be at the mercy of the fickleness of love. Four innocent children are counting on us. They aren’t equipped to handle our mistakes.”
And neither was her heart.
Falling in love with Devlin would make her more vulnerable than she’d ever been in her life.
More than losing the love of her friend Susie, or the Birminghams’ or even John’s, she'd be taking the ultimate risk. Somehow, she didn’t think she’d be able to recover if Devlin fell out of love with her. What would she do? How could she get through each day knowing he no longer loved her? How could she see him day after day? How could she look at him across the dinner table? How could she sleep with him?
Her heart had been battered and bruised before. But if she risked giving Devlin her heart and he turned away from her, her heart would surely shatter into a million pieces. She feared that absolute and devastating truth more than anything else.
She closed her eyes and prayed for strength before opening them again. “I want to make you happy, Devlin, but love is not something that I can trust,” she said with a calmness she didn’t feel. “I can only give you what I pledged to you in the contract.”
She turned her back so she couldn’t see the moment the love died in his eyes.
When she heard the door close quietly behind him, she let the tears fall.
***
CHAPTER 11
Four and a half months later, Abby had acquired a hearty sympathy for Wisconsin cows, she decided as she hoisted her bulky body out of the car after another trip to the doctor.
Awkward, trapped inside a lumpy body, supported by skinny legs, and waddling from side to side, she caught herself fighting the urge to moo.
Ignoring the ache in her back, she slapped at a mosquito that landed on her arm and was trying to draw her blood.
Dratted insect!
All things considered, she might be happier being a cow. At least she’d have a tail to swoosh away the mosquitoes that hatched throughout the summer.
An abundance of rainy days in June had been followed by blistering heat in July, providing the ideal climate for a bumper crop of the pesky insect.
She spent more time swatting than she did anything else.
What else was there to do?
She still took care of the bookwork, which wasn’t nearly so demanding after she’d computerized all Devlin’s business records.
Since it was almost the end of August and school hadn’t started yet, she didn’t have to help Riley with his homework or drive Paige to preschool.
Jason had taken over all the cooking, so her presence wasn’t needed or wanted in the kitchen. He’d certainly made that clear enough—especially recently.
Devlin had hired a cleaning woman to do most of the household chores. When Abby tried to protest, he’d explained that the woman needed the job and surely Abby didn’t want to be responsible for depriving her of food to put on her own table.
That left Abby with too much time on her hands, time that she spent battling mosquitoes that had the appetites of vampire bats.
And time thinking about Devlin.
She leaned against the car and eyed the house in front of her, which gave her a moment to gather her inner resources before she ventured inside. Why she felt the need to brace herself, she didn�
��t know. But sometime during the past few months, she’d begun to feel like an outsider. Everyone seemed to have a place, except her.
Paige was very content. She fought with Riley, idolized Jason and tagged along with her new daddy whenever she could. She had become a true Hamilton.
Abby was happy for her daughter, and not just a little jealous, she admitted truthfully to herself.
Rubbing her back again, Abby’s thoughts drifted to Devlin and the state of their relationship.
He hadn’t made love to her since that night four and a half months ago. The closeness they’d had that weekend was no more than a memory.
They didn’t argue. Their conversations were always polite and pleasant. They talked about politics, the children’s activities and even the Packers’ chances of going to the Super Bowl.
But they didn’t cuddle or kiss, either.
Devlin went out of his way to express his appreciation and gratitude for the time she saved him with the office work. And yet, whenever she was in the study updating the records, he always found an excuse to leave the office.
He was also very careful not to touch her. Even sharing the big bed, they didn’t roll into each other during the middle of the night or curl up together.
A year ago, such an arrangement would have seemed ideal to her. But their platonic relationship didn’t comfort or reassure her. Just the opposite. She felt lonely, lonelier than she'd felt during her entire, revolving foster home childhood. She and Devlin were doing everything according to the contract, but she was miserable.
It wasn’t enough.
When they attended the Lamaze classes at the hospital, Abby had dreaded those nights as Devlin coached her through the breathing exercises, rubbed her back and touched her as if he still cared. She’d found it hard to pretend everything was normal between them. Especially in the company of all the other expectant parents who were so obviously in love and in tune with each other.
She and Devlin were existing in some kind of purgatory. There was a wall—or rather, a damn contract—between them, and she didn’t know how to get rid of it.
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