by Dann Gershon
“After they were turned into monsters?”
Roxie shook her head.
“Why would anyone be interested in seeing a zoo filled with human beings?” Einstein asked. “I thought you said it was a monster zoo.”
1 “It is,” Roxie replied. “Most intergalactic life-forms think humans are hideous-looking creatures.”
“Do you think we’re hideous?” he asked, wondering what was under her costume. Einstein hoped that she didn’t look like one of the crab creatures from the Predator movies. “Take off that getup and let’s see what you look like.”
“I’m not taking off anything,” Roxie said in a huff.
“I knew it!” he screamed. “You’re a crab creature!”
“The universe is infinite,” Roxie replied. “Have you ever considered the possibility that there are other life-forms that look just like you?”
“Are you one of them?” he asked Roxie.
“Yes.”
A sense of relief washed over Einstein. His camp crush may be an alien, but at least she was cute. “What about Big Al and the others?”
Roxie shook her head. “Trust me, Fleet. You don’t want to know.”
“I’m still confused about one thing,” Einstein said, thinking out loud. “Why would Mucho Fahn be interested in werewolves, mummies, and vampires, especially the ones that were from the old sci-fi flicks of the fifties?”
“To tell you the truth, I’m confused too,” she admitted. “It’s the first time that I know of that this has ever happened. The salt tablets are a new twist, but it explains why they came to Earth.”
“I’m lost again,” Einstein confessed.
“If you fed the salt tablets to any life-form and placed them in a mummy suit, you’d end up with a replication of a mummy. But it would just be a replication and no more. The ARMS ef-fect wouldn’t be a factor.”
“Why not?”
“Those old black-and-white movies and the characters in them are unique to your planet. Your species is the only life- form in the known universe that is completely immersed in media. As a result of this constant bombardment, the lines between fact and fiction have blurred. More than likely, the ARMS effect wouldn’t work anywhere else but Earth.”
Einstein considered what Roxie had said and carefully di-gested the information. “That’s a big problem,” he said with a sigh. “If Mucho Fahn wants more monsters, he’ll just come back to Earth and take them. Hundreds of others will be trans-formed, abducted, and never heard from again. We have to stop him.”
“Unfortunately, we have a more immediate problem,” Roxie replied. “If we don’t find the antidote and turn the campers back into normal kids, they are going to be no worse off in the zoo than they will be here on Earth.”
“You’re right.” Einstein frowned. “We have to find the anti-dote somehow, but it’s going to take time.”
“Losing the glokas was a setback for them,” Roxie told him. “The campers will have to be loaded for transport manually. That ought to buy us some time.”
“How much time?” Einstein asked.
“Less than twenty-four hours.”
1
Cha p te r
O
Day Seven — 3:28 P.M.
ops?” Bucky repeated, staring at Curly in disbelief. “You said to push the yellow button,” Greeley replied, playing innocent. “So I pushed it. What’s the problem?” “You just killed all of the glokas! That’s the problem, you idiot! ” Bucky looked at the body parts splattered all over the barn and sighed. “When Big Al finds out, he’s going to rip us limb from limb.”
“Not necessarily,” Nurse Knockwurst mumbled. “Especially if he doesn’t know.”
“Are you suggesting that we lie to him?” Bucky asked.
“That’s exactly what I’m suggesting,” the nurse replied. “We’ll have to pack up the campers and load them by hand.”
“That will take hours,” Bucky moaned.
“Let’s weigh our options,” Nurse Knockwurst growled. “We can either spend a few hours doing manual labor or tell Big Al and be dead for the rest of our lives. Which option would you prefer?”
“The first one,” Bucky admitted.
“Then we better get started.” She took out her blaster and set it on stun. Bucky followed suit and did the same. Gree-ley stood there and looked lost. “Now what?” Nurse Knock-wurst sighed.
“I seem to have misplaced my blaster,” Greeley muttered. “You got a spare?”
“Get the wheelbarrow and all the tape you can haul,” she ordered, pointing at a stack of boxes on the other side of the barn. “Six cases of electrician’s tape and twelve cases of paint-er’s tape ought to do the trick.”
Greeley walked across the barn to fetch the wheelbarrow as Nurse Knockwurst and Curly blasted away. One by one, the werewolves and mummies were stunned and rendered unconscious. The vampires, however, proved more difficult targets. Some turned into bats and attempted to escape, but the bars on the cage were too narrow. Others used their su-pernatural powers to move from one side of the cage to the other, faster than the eye could follow. They would disappear for a moment and reappear in a new location, easily dodging the blasters.
“Missed me again, you ugly vitch,” Vinnie taunted from the back of the cage. She fired another shot and missed once again. The nurse could hear him laughing. He reappeared sit-ting cross-legged at the front of the cage and smiled at her. “Vant to go for two out of three?”
“Stand still,” Nurse Knockwurst demanded. She was drip-ping in sweat and her bun was wilting from the heat. The nurse’s costume was starting to stretch in the heat. The effect was shocking. Her alien half was starting to show and it wasn’t a pretty sight. “I’m taking off this costume,” she shouted at Bucky. “I can’t breathe.”
151 15 “Me too,” Bucky replied. “It will be easier to work with-out it.”
Greeley panicked. The salt tablets wouldn’t work on them if they took off their costumes. And they would expect him to do the same. “Big Al said that we shouldn’t expose ourselves in public,” he said, snickering at his own joke.
“Big Al isn’t here, is he?” Bucky replied.
“Suit yourself,” Greeley said, “but don’t
say I didn’t warn you.”
“You got the energy to chase down the rest of the vampires, then go ahead and do it,” Bucky challenged. “This whole mess is your fault in the first place.”
“Who wants to see Nurse Knockwurst and Bucky get naked?” Greeley shouted. A loud chorus of groans echoed through the cage. “I’ll give you ten seconds to show yourselves or they start to strip!”
The vampires materialized one by one. Vinnie was the last to appear. “And you call us monsters?” he hissed. “Vat are you vaiting for? Hurry up and shoot!”
Bucky and Nurse Knockwurst blasted away at the vampires and dragged them out of the cage. They piled them next to the wheelbarrow as Greeley fumbled with the remote. “Which one opens the hatch again?” he asked.
Nurse Knockwurst grabbed the remote out of his hand and pressed the button that released the door to the ship. It slowly descended until it hit the barn floor. “What are you waiting for?” she shouted at the others. “A written invitation? They’re not going to load themselves into the pods. Let’s get them bagged and tagged. Daylight is wasting, gentlemen.”
Bucky helped Curly throw a couple of the werewolves into the wheelbarrow and followed Nurse Knockwurst onto the ship. “You better make something real special for dinner to-night, Curly,” Bucky said, poking the cook in the chest. “Real special.”
“That’s just what I had in mind.”
15
Cha p te r
B
Day Seven — 7:05 P.M. ig Al was smiling and cordial, which had the rest of his crew on edge. He rarely smiled. When he did, it usually meant he was either getting ready to eat or getting ready to kill some-one. The crew sat silently at the dinner table as Curly scurried about the pantry, gathering up dinner, watching Big Al and hoping he was hungry.
“You’re in a good mood tonight,” Nurse Knockwurst said, finally breaking the silence. “Why?”
“Why not?” Big Al replied cheerfully. “By this time tomor-row, the mission will be complete and we’ll be rich beyond our wildest dreams. So, what’s for dinner, Curly? I’m starving! Word is going around that you have something special planned.”
Bucky and Knockwurst breathed a sigh of relief.
“Chili and beans,” Greeley replied as he opened a can and poured the contents into the pot. He added some water from the canteen spiked with salt tablets and stirred it in with a large wooden spoon. “Aged to perfection. It’s a vintage 1962.”
“Where on Earth did you find those?” Big Al asked, eyeing the cans on the countertop. The cans were covered with rust. The labels were peeling off and faded.
“They were in the pantry,” Greeley replied. “Been there for years, I suppose. You know the old saying—finders keepers, losers weepers.”
“I’ve never heard that one before,” Big Al replied. “It’s an interesting concept.”
“It’s not a concept,” Greeley said. “It’s just an old saying.”
“Like nine Mongorian dragon heads are better than one,” Big Al said.
“Exactly,” the ghost replied.
Bucky walked over to the counter, curious to see what was in the other bowl. It was filled to the brim with plump white in-sects. He popped one in his mouth and chewed. “I don’t know what this is, but it’s sure tasty!”
“That’s a maggot. It’s my secret ingredient,” Greeley said as he grabbed a handful and tossed them in the pot.
“Can I try one?” Nurse Knockwurst asked, smacking her lips.
She reached out and Greeley whacked her across the knuck-les with the wooden spoon. “Not before dinner. You don’t want to ruin your appetite.”
Greeley opened four more cans of stale chili that were a good forty years past their prime and scooped them one by one into the pot. He tried his best not to breathe in the aroma. It smelled rancid, even to a dead man. The ghost served Bucky first and then Nurse Knockwurst. They dove in without waiting for Big Al to be served.
Bucky noticed that Big Al was staring. “Sorry, boss.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Big Al replied. “Eat up, before it gets cold.”
155
“You sure?” Bucky asked. Big Al nodded and watched them eat while he waited for the cook to prepare his plate. “After dinner, we’re going to torch the whole camp,” he said, smiling at Curly. “We can roast a few marshmallows over a burning campfire, if you get my drift.”
“Why bother burning down the place?” Bucky asked. “It’s already rotting. In a few years the desert will finish the job.”
“I don’t want to leave any evidence behind this time,” Big Al replied. “Besides, the place is an eyesore. Think of it as a service to a community that has given us back so much in return.”
The comment infuriated the ghost. No one was going to burn down the house that Greeley built, especially if he had something to say about it. He swatted Big Al on the top of his head with the chili-covered wooden spoon.
“What did you do that for?” Big Al asked, glaring at him.
“Sorry ’bout that. I thought I saw a maggot crawling in your hair. It must have gone over the bowl.” Without any further warning, he swatted Big Al again. “There it is again. I think I got it that time.”
Big Al wiped the chili splatter off his forehead with a napkin as Greeley topped Big Al’s serving of chili off with the left-over maggots. Greeley placed the scalding hot bowl of chili in front of Big Al and “accidentally” pushed it on his lap. The alien screamed in pain. Greeley apologized to Big Al profusely and went to get him another bowl. “I don’t know what’s got into me today,” Greeley said, holding back a snicker.
“I do, Greeley,” Big Al replied. He stood up and drew his blaster. The others followed his lead. “Release Curly’s body immediately.”
“Possession is nine tenths of the law,” Greeley said.
“Exorcism is the other tenth,” Big Al growled, “and I hope you hate every minute of it.” He turned to his crew and gave the order to fire.
“Let him have it, boys!” Nurse Knockwurst screamed. They simultaneously fired at Curly with their blasters set on stun. The three blue beams of lig
ht crossed and formed one power-ful beam. Curly’s hair stood on end and caught on fire. His eyes glazed over and he fell to his knees. The alien was near death when Greeley emerged from his body. They reset their blasters to kill and continued to fire at the ghost.
“I’m melting,” Greeley whined.
“Good job, everyone,” Big Al said.
“How did you figure it out?” Bucky asked as he watched the ghost’s body fade.
“A Mongorian dragon has three heads, not nine. Any fool knows that, except for an old human fool,” Big Al replied as he took another shot at Greeley. He stared at the ghost with venom in his eyes. “And this time stay dead. I’m getting tired of killing you!”
Greeley made a final obscene gesture at Big Al and disappeared.
The nurse went over to check on Curly. A cloud of steam was emanating from his body. She knelt down to see if he had a pulse. It was faint, but it was there.
“How is he?” Big Al asked.
“He’ll live.” She dumped what water remained in the canteen over his body to cool him down. The cook sat up and choked.
“What did you do that for?” Curly asked. He looked around
15 and wondered what he was doing in the kitchen. The last thing that he could remember was cornering the Fleet kid in the caretaker’s cottage. Suddenly the fog cleared. “Don’t eat anything! It’s all laced with salt tablets!”