Sensing her sadness, George reached his hand across to Jules. She took it gratefully. “This wasn’t your fault, Jules.”
“How do you figure that? I’m meant to be the leader of this group and I’ve just led ten of them to their slaughter.”
“You know and I know that’s not what happened.”
“Ten people,” she said again, under her breath.
“Funny, I never had you pegged as someone who had a God complex. You are not in control of everything; you are not responsible for everything. I mean it was my bloody idea to head there in the first place, so you could say that I’m the one to blame.”
“That’s just stupid!”
“No more stupid than what you’re saying. Listen to me, Jules, there’s always a danger when we head out and today…” George did not need to speak the words; they both knew what today was.
Jules began to cry again. “I never wanted this. I never wanted this responsibility.”
“I know you didn’t, love, but we rarely get what we want in this life.”
CHAPTER 11
The news of what had happened had beaten Jules and George back to the Home and Garden Depot. They made their way through the throng of people who had gathered at the front of the store. Momentary happiness swept over the crowd to see the two of them had made it back safely, but it was just that … momentary, as the far greater sadness and realisation that ten of their number were not coming back hit them like a bullet train.
Jules embraced her brothers and Maggie tightly. She squeezed the hands of others and looked but could not see Ben anywhere. George’s words echoed in her head, We rarely get what we want in this life. She stepped to the front and as much as she just wanted to curl up into a ball and hibernate for the next few months until there was some sign of this apocalyptic disaster coming to an end one way or another, she knew she had to be responsible. She had to do what was expected of a leader.
“Looking around at your faces I can see that you’ve already heard what’s happened.” She let out a long breath. “When we set out this morning, I was convinced it was a risk worth taking. But we lost ten people today, ten good people and no risk is worth that. I wanted to come back with good news for you. I wanted to be able to tell you that we’d found a new place to live … a safe place where we could plant crops and stay warm in winter. I was so close to delivering that news to you as well, but then something went wrong and what happened happened, and now we’re back here minus friends and with nothing to show for our trouble but three fuel tanks that are a little bit emptier than when we left.” Jules paused and looked around at the faces once again. “Anyway, I’m sorry… That’s what I really wanted to say, I’m sorry.” She did not wait for anybody else to say anything; she turned around and headed towards the door with the sign on that said, “Staff Only.”
Jules flicked her torch on and walked up the stairs. She entered the office … her office, slumped down on the chair behind her desk and just stared out of the window as the rain and wind swept in waves against the glass. The never-ending grey sky that stretched out in front of her was their future—harsh, cold, unrelenting. She could feel tears welling again, but what was the point of crying? If she was to cry for everything that made her sad, she would have to shed nearly seven billion tears.
This was life now. She looked at her hands resting on the arms of the chair then at the uniform they had plundered in the raid on the barracks the day before. Who did she think she was? Dressing like an army recruit did not make her a soldier. Rog was a soldier, he was dead. Olly, Justin and Ellen had been conscripts. They were dead. There were two more conscripts in their ranks, and they were just that, conscripts. They had no will to be soldiers; they took no part in the missions, no part in anything other than the bare minimum they needed to do to stay a part of the group.
There was a gentle knock at the door, it was Ben. “I want to be alone,” she said as he popped his head around the corner.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
Jules did not look at him; she fixed her gaze back out of the window. “Am I speaking Swahili? I said I wanted to be—”
“It was my fault.”
The room fell silent for a full minute. “What do you mean?” Jules asked eventually.
Ben took a deep breath. “I mean I was sure there was nothing in that theatre. I mean we’d been making noise all over the place, if anything had been inside, we should have heard it long before opening the door. I got overconfident and I just barged in. They came out of nowhere. Olly was down in a heartbeat, they got him in the doorway and that’s what wedged the door open. Then they just came flooding out. I jumped back and fell against the wall while more of us were attacked. It was a pure fluke that I got out of there.”
Jules just stared at him in disbelief. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. I just needed to tell you. It wasn’t your fault, it was mine.”
“It didn’t occur to you that a fucking cinema would be soundproofed?”
“No.”
“And why was the only person waiting for me when I got out of that place George? Why weren’t you there?”
“I screwed up, Jules.”
“Screwed up? Is that what you call it?”
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?”
“Yes.”
“Oh, well, that’s alright then. Ten of our fucking friends have been turned into flesh-eating zombies because you fucked up so monumentally, but you being sorry makes everything better.”
“I just needed you to know it wasn’t you.”
“Yeah, thanks for that, I feel a lot better. Now get out of my fucking sight.”
Ben did not say another word, he disappeared as quickly as he had appeared and Jules turned towards the window again. She did not know how long she had been sitting there before another knock came on the door. She looked towards it as it opened. It was Maggie.
“You okay, blossom?” she asked.
Jules stared at her. “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay again.”
Maggie walked across and leaned on the desk. The two friends looked at each other. “Have you still got some of that whisky?”
“I’m worried if I start drinking right now, I won’t stop.”
“Ben came clean downstairs. He told everybody what had happened.”
Jules’s eyes widened. “What did they say?”
“They didn’t get the chance to say anything. George marched up to him and punched him. Everybody was so taken aback they were just stunned into silence. I think Ben was actually grateful. I think he felt he deserved it and more besides.”
“Did George say anything?”
“He said, ‘Your mistake cost people their lives and that girl up there has been blaming herself for this. Shame on you.’ Then he walked off.”
Jules opened the bottom drawer and brought out the whisky and two glasses. She poured a measure into each and then pushed one over the table towards Maggie. “You’d think he was my grandad,” she said with an appreciative smile.
“Nobody blames you for this, Jules. Really, nobody blames Ben either. Out there, bad stuff happens. Yes, he should have checked the door, but it was stupidity, a momentary lapse of judgement. How many times has Ben been there for us when we’ve needed him?”
Jules took a sip of her drink. “I suppose you’re right.”
“I’m afraid I’ve got some more bad news to add to your day.”
“Course you have. Go on.”
“Scotty passed away this morning.”
Jules’s expression barely changed. “I suppose that isn’t really a surprise to anyone. Poor guy. Well, at least he’s got Rog to keep him company.”
“We wrapped the body in plastic and put it in the back of one of the vans. Next time we go out, we’ll get rid of it.”
“Not exactly a dignified burial, is it?”
“There’s not a lot of dignity in anything these days.”
&nb
sp; “True enough,” Jules said, taking another drink. “Did anything else happen while we were out?”
Maggie pulled up a chair and sat, down reaching for the glass and taking a swig herself. “We took in some more refugees.”
“What? You went out?”
“No, we spotted them. A family. They came all the way into the car park. They broke into the security box, trying to see if there was any food. They hadn’t eaten in days. The father looked like a stick insect.”
“Oh well, they’ve had a lovely welcome, haven’t they? Poor bastards.”
“They’re just grateful not to be out there anymore. They seem like nice people. He was a banker, she worked in human resources.”
“That’ll be handy,” Jules said with no hint of a smile.
“They’ve survived this long out there. That’s something.”
“I suppose,” Jules said, taking another drink.
“I’m guessing you know why I’ve come up here.”
“Because I’m always such riveting company?”
“Well, there’s that. But people need to see you down there. They need to see that you’re not giving up.”
“That’s why I’ve come up here, Mags. All I want to do right now is give up. Why don’t you and George take over? People like you. People trust you. You’ve got sensible heads on your shoulders.”
“People never see themselves as others see them. You’re special, Jules.”
Jules leaned forward, placing both her elbows on the desk. “No, I’m really not.”
“Yes, you are. There’s just something about you that gives people hope. Even when things turn to crap, you give them something to live for.”
“I don’t want to be that person, Mags. I never wanted to be that person.”
“We don’t always get what we want in life, do we? So finish your drink, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your head back in the game.”
“Wow! You are so good at motivational speeches … not.”
Maggie smiled just as another knock came on the door. George walked in. “Am I interrupting something?”
Jules pulled another glass out from the bottom drawer and placed it on the table. “Maggie was just motivating me.”
“Yeah, can’t say I’m surprised you need the whisky for that,” George said drily.
“I wish I had some ice for your knuckles.”
George looked embarrassed. “I think I went a little too far, it’s just … never mind.”
“It’s just what?” Jules asked, sliding the drink across to him.
“Nobody works as hard for this place as you. Nobody suffers the defeats here as much as you and nobody shares the losses here as much as you. People not being accountable for what they’ve done is one of my bugbears and for him not to stand up ... it just…”
Jules could see the frustration on George’s face and as he reached for the glass, she placed her hand over his and squeezed gently. “Thanks, old man. I really appreciate it.”
“Yes, well, I dare say I’ll apologise to him later, but right then, right there, my temper got the better of me.” He picked up the glass and took a drink. “What we did today went badly, but it was the right thing to do.”
“Went badly? Jesus, that’s like saying the Titanic ran into a snowflake. It went absofuckinglutely catastrophically.”
“Okay, but it was still the right thing to do and I think that we should form a plan, a proper plan I mean.”
Jules drained her glass and refilled it then sat back in her chair. “Okay, I’ll take the bait, a plan for what?”
“For getting out of this place while we’ve still got some fuel and a least a little ammunition.”
“And where would we go exactly?”
“North. Wick or Thurso maybe. They’re smaller towns. They might not have been as badly affected and, even if they were, there’s bound to be somewhere that we can find to settle. They’re on the coast and in the sticks. We could hunt and forage and, if we found somewhere safe enough, farm too.”
Jules picked up her glass and swilled the whisky around briefly then looked towards George. “Just like that, we pick up sticks and go on a wild goose chase for a place that might not even exist? We’ve got no guarantee that we’d find somewhere like that. Things up there could be just as fucked up … more fucked up than they are here.”
George looked out of the window as the rain continued to pour. “The population of both places is about eight thousand. That’s a fifth of what Inverness is. And I’m not saying we just pick up sticks and go. I’m saying we plan properly. We work to a timescale, figure out what we need and get it before we up sticks. If we can find enough fuel, we’d go on a couple of scouting missions. But I’m telling you in this place there is no future. It wasn’t built to house people. I mean, dear God, have you smelt the drains every time it rains? And right now we’re in the summer months. Can you imagine what it’s going to be like in winter? How are we going to find warmth? That school today had everything. I probably let my excitement run away with me, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t somewhere else out there that would make a perfectly adequate home for all of us.”
“So what sort of timescale are you thinking about for this?”
“A week to two weeks. It’s important that we plan it right.”
“And what sort of plan do you have in mind?”
“Well, it’s going to be a hard sell after what happened today, but I say we get straight back on the bike.”
“What do you mean?” Jules asked.
“I mean tomorrow we get out there. Maybe a couple of groups at a time. We need fuel, food, medical supplies ... as much of it as we can get in as short a time as possible. I know you seem to feel responsible for every refugee in Inverness. If we find any while we’re out there, we’ll bring them back, but then, when we’re ready, we’ll go. Leave this place behind for good.”
Jules sat back in her chair. “What do you think?” she asked, looking at Maggie.
“I think it makes sense. If we stand a chance of surviving, I mean surviving long term, we can’t do it here. I hadn’t thought about Wick or Thurso, but I like that idea. We could still have polytunnels and grow crops, but we’d be able to fish, gather seaweed, forage for mussels and other shellfish. We wouldn’t have to worry about starvation if the potatoes got blight or something like that. There are lots more possibilities somewhere like that than there are here.”
“So that’s two for.”
“Are you saying you’re not for it?” Maggie asked.
“I’ve only just heard about it, and to be honest my mind’s still a mess,” Jules said then took another drink.
“That’s why what George said makes more sense than ever. If you don’t go down there and show people that you’re still in charge and that you have a plan, then we’re going to have more disappearing on us like Stephen, Jeff and Clive.” Jules let out a sigh and finished her drink. “Don’t you think you should go easy on that stuff?” Maggie said.
“I’m going to go downstairs, gather everybody around and tell them that even though we lost a bunch of people today, they shouldn’t worry because we’ve got half a plan. If you think I’m doing that stone-cold sober, you’re as mad as this idea.”
CHAPTER 12
The following morning, Jules remained in her makeshift bed for more than half an hour after first opening her eyes. She had not slept well. Nightmare images from the previous day had plagued her dreams, and she was dreading pulling back the curtain of her cubicle. She was convinced half the population would have left, despite her deciding to put a guard on the rest of the supplies. She stepped out into the aisle to see most people’s curtains were still closed.
She saw Maggie and George up at the checkout desks and went to join them. They were with Ben and the remaining two conscripts in their ranks, Josh and Kyle. It was the first time Jules had seen Ben since she had heard about George taking a swing at him. His nose was bright red, and there was a small cut on his lip, but
other than that he looked the same. He did not make eye contact with her but kept his head bowed towards the map that George had spread out.
“What’s going on?” Jules asked.
“We’re just dividing up the scavenger hunts for the day. In fact, we were just done,” he said, looking at the three men, who subsequently drifted off.
“You’ve recruited Josh and Kyle? I’m surprised they agreed.”
“I didn’t recruit them, they volunteered,” George replied.
Jules rubbed her hands over her face and eyes to try to wake herself up. “So how many did we lose last night?”
“Most people aren’t up yet, but I spoke to Andy and Rob this morning and they say they didn’t see anybody trying to leave,” Maggie said.
“Well, that doesn’t mean much,” Jules replied.
“You should go easier on your brothers. They’re incredibly loyal to you, and they might not always get things right, but they try to do the right thing at least.”
Jules let out a long sigh. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
“I was surprised to see Ben here after yesterday.”
“He was the first to volunteer,” George replied.
“Guilt?” Jules asked.
“Most probably, but I can pretty much guarantee he won’t ever make the mistakes that he made yesterday again.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“So we’ve got four scavenger teams going out at once? You weren’t kidding about getting organised, were you?”
George and Maggie cast each other an unreadable glance. “No, just the three teams will be going out,” Maggie replied.
“So … who are we going with?”
“We’re not going with anyone,” she replied.
“You’ve lost me.”
“People need stability. You being here gives them that.”
“I’m not a fuckin’ princess. It’s not like things will fall apart if I’m not around for a few hours.”
“You’re not a princess? You could have fooled me, you’ve always spoken so eloquently,” George said, trying to lighten the mood.
Before Safe Haven (Book 4): Jules Page 8