by Sue Shepherd
‘What?’
‘You know what, Lisa. You have to let me back out.’
There were a couple of seconds in which Lisa was utterly silent.
‘Did you hear me? You must let me back out. OK?’
‘Huh? Yeah. Of course.’ Lisa sounded distracted.
Beth wasn’t expecting it to work. But the thought of her sister speaking to Mario for her was a nice idea. At least it would mean she didn’t have to face him. ‘OK, what do I do?’
‘I don’t know. I guess you just let yourself go.’
‘Go where?’
‘Not go where, you idiot. Just kind of relax. Close your eyes and let your mind … go.’
Beth lay on her bed and duly closed her eyes. She tried for a second to ‘let go’. ‘Nothing’s happening.’
‘Because you’re resisting. Find the deepest corners of your mind, and go there.’
‘This is nuts.’ Beth’s eyes sprung open.
‘DO IT!’
‘All right, bossy boots.’ Beth closed her eyes again. She imagined her mind as a large dimly lit room. With determination, she took herself towards one of the corners. Inexplicably, the noises in her bedroom began to fade; the ticking clock became quieter and the sound of ‘Grumpy Jack’s’ persistent mower dimmed. She was falling, her hands clutched at the bedclothes. Sounds were beginning to echo around her head and she wasn’t sure she liked it.
‘That’s it. You’re doing it.’ Lisa sounded different. Closer. Clearer.
‘I don’t like it. I don’t want to …’ Beth tried to open her eyes. She tried to sit up. She wanted the experiment to stop. But, disturbingly, she found she had absolutely no control over her own body.
Suddenly, her eyes were opened, and her body was rising from the bed. But it wasn’t her doing. Her body stumbled over towards the full-length mirror on the wall. She walked like a new born foal. She could see herself in the mirror. But it was like she was watching from a distance. The colours, the shapes, everything was less intense. It was her body, it looked no different. But if she stared hard into the eyes, she could see a change. She was no longer in charge of this body. Lisa was!
Then Lisa spoke. ‘Oh my God. This is amazing. I’d forgotten ‒’
‘Please don’t shout.’ Lisa’s voice was loud. Too loud. It boomed all around Beth.
‘I’m not shouting. That’s just how I sound. You’re always loud to me.’
Beth felt her body move around the room. Gradually Lisa became more able. The stumbling stopped and she seemed to have better control over the limbs.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Changing clothes. I fancy something a bit more exciting.’ Lisa was rummaging through the wardrobe.
‘OK. But … not that skirt. I hate it. It’s too short and my legs look ‒’
‘Shush. I like it.’
Beth could do nothing as, over the next half hour, Lisa changed her clothes several times and applied some seriously over the top make-up. She was having fun and Beth’s protests were falling on deaf ears.
‘Right. What do you think?’ Lisa walked over to the mirror to give Beth a good view.
‘I look like a tart.’
‘No, no, dear sister. I look like a tart.’ Lisa giggled.
Beth tried her hardest to control the mounting panic. But there was no way of telling where she was. She could have been an inch away or a mile. Her sense of smell had almost gone, as had her sense of touch. Everything Lisa did was diminished. It was like trying to chew a toffee with the wrapper on. Worst still, it was like being submerged in water, one of her biggest fears. Was this how life had been for her twin all this time? No sooner had she thought it than Lisa confirmed it for her. ‘It’s really bright, the colours are amazing. You’re so lucky.’
‘I think we should swap back now. I’ll be all right talking to Mario. You can coach me. I’ll be OK. I think we should ‒’
‘Honestly. It’s no bother. I promised I’d do this for you, and I will.’
If Lisa sensed how trapped and frightened Beth was, it was just possible she would keep her in there longer, she could be spiteful when she wanted to. Beth concluded it was probably best to play along. ‘OK. Well, I’m grateful to you for going for me.’
‘I absolutely love it out here. Mind if I try eating something before we go?’
‘Go ahead. I can recommend cheese and onion crisps.’ Beth could hear the wobble of fear in her voice, she wondered if Lisa had spotted it too. Perhaps if she let Lisa have a nice afternoon ‘out’, she’d swap back without any trouble. But on the other hand, what if she didn’t?
Nine
Lisa found Mario in the usual spot, and wasted no time at all in telling him the reason she didn’t want to have any more sex with him was one hundred per cent down to his inability to satisfy a woman. She used phrases from the magazines the twins had read. Phrases that caused Beth to cringe with embarrassment. He attempted to shrug off her comments, but even Beth, from her vantage point somewhere in the back of her own mind, could see he was bothered.
‘Why are you being like this, Beth? This isn’t like you at all.’
‘I’m just telling you straight, Mario. We’re done. I don’t have the time to waste on you.’
‘Fine. I was going to finish with you anyway. The grass won’t grow under my feet.’ Mario attempted a swagger.
‘Oh right, yeah. How could I forget all the other girls who are queuing up to sleep with you?’
‘I ‒’
She didn’t let him speak. ‘There are no girls. I think we both know the score. You told me that to persuade me to sleep with you. What does that make you? Huh?’
‘Well, you slept with me. What does that make you?’
‘There’s one thing I wish to make perfectly clear, Mario.’ Poking him in the chest, Lisa snarled, ‘I don’t want to hear any rumours about me. You tell even one friend that we had sex, or that you think you were the one who finished with me, and you’ll regret it.’
‘Beth … you’re so …’ Mario observed the person he took to be Beth with new found interest. ‘Can we not just …? You look great. I never realised …’
Lisa shoved him aside. ‘I thought I told you we were done. Get the fuck out of my way.’
Beth didn’t complain when Lisa decided to celebrate by stuffing her body full of junk food in a burger place in town. She then bought a huge bag of pick ’n’ mix, which she devoured swiftly and efficiently, all the time telling her twin how much better the sweets were now that she could really taste them.
‘I’m glad you’re having a good time. But we ought to get back. Don’t you think?’
‘Don’t be boring. We don’t need to go home yet. I fancy a drink.’ Lisa marched into a convenience store.
‘A drink? Do you mean …?’
‘Alcohol, my dear sister. That’s what I mean.’
Beth rarely drank. The occasional glass of wine with dinner at home was about her limit. But Lisa clearly had other ideas.
‘I don’t think they’ll serve you. You … I mean I don’t look old enough.’
‘Rubbish. I look bloody hot.’ Lisa picked up a bottle of vodka.
‘Lisa, please. I’ve never drunk vodka before. You’ve never drunk vodka before!’
‘I’ve never done any friggin’ thing before. But that’s all going to change now.’ Lisa laughed.
As Beth suspected, the person behind the till asked no questions. Lisa was sold the bottle of vodka without a second glance. The minute she was out of the shop, she unscrewed the bottle and took a swig of the clear liquid.
Beth sensed a vague taste of perfume. Her throat became hot. Judging by the way Lisa began coughing, the experience was far more intense for her.
‘Wow. That stuff is strong.’
‘Don’t drink any more now, OK? We ought to get home.’
‘SHUT UP!’
The noise echoed around Beth’s head. It was amazing to think no one else could hear it. ‘Please, don’t shout. You
know how it feels for me.’
Taking another large gulp, Lisa screeched, ‘Oh yes. I know how it feels for you. I know how it feels to be locked up inside your head, watching you LIVE.’
Beth tried several times to convince her sister to stop drinking and head home. But Lisa was like a convict released from her cell. As she slowly made her way home through the park, she continued to swig from the bottle of vodka. The more she drank, the more bitter she became. ‘You’ve had all this. You’ve been able to feel and taste. You could have had fun. You could’ve had SO MUCH fun. You’re an idiot.’
‘Please, stop.’
Lisa sat herself down on a park bench. By now the bottle was half empty. ‘You’re a waste of space. I’m ashamed of you.’
‘I am going to live more. I promise you. Let me have my body back and I’ll do more fun things. I’ll do whatever you want us to. I promise. Please. Let’s swap now?’
‘Fuck off,’ Lisa slurred.
Beth watched, helpless, as her view of the park slid sideways. She was aware of her body slumping onto the bench. Things still seemed far away. Her mind was becoming increasingly muddled. If I’m like this, how much more confused must she be?
Lisa started mumbling aloud, ‘So strong. The colours are … beautifully bright.’
‘We can’t fall asleep here. You need to get up.’ Beth tried desperately to shake her sister, but her body wouldn’t move.
Lisa held Beth’s hand close to her face and examined each finger in turn. ‘Look at the fingerprints. Look at the nails. So much detail.’ Again, she spoke aloud. Beth was fearful someone would hear her and come to her assistance. She couldn’t be sure what her sister would tell them.
She was trapped. Wherever she was, she had no control over her body and, even more worryingly, Lisa had slipped further down the bench and was now completely horizontal.
‘I mean it. Don’t fall asleep here. Just get up and make your way home. You can sleep in my bed. Not here. Someone will see us.’
Then, Beth knew real fear, as Lisa uttered her final words before falling asleep. ‘I’m never going back!’
Ten
Beth was aware of Lisa breathing. It had become deep and even. She’d only gone and fallen asleep, pissed as a fart on a bench. Beth tried calling to her to wake up, but she was out cold. What the hell am I supposed to do now? She realised her only option was to get herself back in charge. But how was she meant to get from that awful, distant place, back into the body she rightfully owned? She couldn’t physically move back, she had no control.
She began to concentrate as hard as she could on her own body. She willed her mind back along the path it had travelled earlier. It began to work; the sound of a nearby dog barking became louder. The smell of the flowers became stronger.
She was almost there when Lisa stirred. Grunting herself awake, she cried out, ‘No way!’ and Beth was forced backwards at speed and found herself trapped and paralysed once more.
They sat on the bench for half an hour. There was nothing for Beth to do but wait. Finally, after drinking more vodka, Lisa fell back to sleep, and Beth tried once more to gain control.
Concentrating, she began edging her way back. Leaving behind that frightening corner. The world began to come into focus. Luckily, Lisa was too pissed to fight her this time and Beth travelled unchallenged towards her world.
At last, she burst back into her body. The first thing she became aware of was the cool metal bench touching her face. Next, the evening breeze felt beautiful as it gently kissed her.
Lisa awoke the next day and claimed not to remember what had happened.
‘You don’t remember telling me you’d never swap back?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘You did.’
‘Well I didn’t mean it. Of course, I didn’t.’
‘You would say that now.’
‘Look, I put Mario straight. Way better than you could have done. Maybe we can come to an arrangement. I’ll come out when there are things you need to do that you don’t think you’re up to. Something like that could work and ‒’
‘No, thank you!’
‘Sorry?’
‘You heard me. You’re never coming out again.’
‘Why? Because you hated being trapped?’
‘No. Because …well, it’s my body, and I can’t trust you to give it back, that’s why.’
‘You were scared, though?’
‘No, I wasn’t,’ Beth lied.
When Beth arrived at work on the Monday morning, she was told by Kath that Mario had moved back to live with his mum, who apparently had decided she now was one for family. She wasn’t surprised he’d scurried back to his mum’s, not after the threats Lisa had made. She’d been blunt. In fact, she’d been more than blunt, she’d been brutal. Beth had been impressed by Lisa’s bravery. Had she not behaved the way she did about swapping back, she might well have allowed Lisa to do her dirty work more often. But as it was, that moment when she’d considered spending the rest of her life trapped in Lisa’s place had scared the hell out of her, and she knew without a doubt that she was never going to volunteer to swap again.
She was upset her relationship with Mario hadn’t worked out. She’d been under the illusion she was in love. But if she needed a reason not to be sorry Mario had gone, she only had to think back to the one time they’d made love. Those few minutes were burned into her brain. It had been a painful, embarrassing experience and she wasn’t planning on doing it again for a very long while.
‘You haven’t realised the date, have you?’
‘Lisa, what are you on about now?’
‘Think, Beth. What date is it? Or, more precisely, when was your last period?’
‘Um …’ A shot of adrenalin took Beth by surprise. Her hand flew up and she slapped herself in the mouth. She couldn’t swallow. She’d forgotten how. Giving an audible gulp, followed by a groan, she replied, ‘It was the beginning of May. I think I should’ve had another one by now.’
‘YES. I think you should’ve had another one by now, too,’ Lisa mocked.
‘You don’t think I could be pregnant, do you? It was my first time …’
Lisa tutted. ‘You know that’s rubbish. You knew it when you said it to that stupid plank, and you know it now!’
Beth burst into tears. Her sister was right. Of course it was nonsense. But she still found it beyond belief that the short time she’d spent on Kath’s sofa could possibly have resulted in a baby.
‘Lisa, you were hassling me and telling me to get on with it. You made me do it.’
‘Don’t blame me. You got into this shit all by yourself. I couldn’t physically “do” anything. Remember?’
‘Please, help me. What am I going to do?’
‘You’re going to have to tell Mum and Dad.’
Beth went visibly pale. She couldn’t possibly discuss it with them. Don was generally a jolly man. He was a family man. His life revolved around days spent fixing industrial refrigerators, and evenings sat in front of the TV. He was your basic model dad, and if she told him she’d had sex with a boy who had now buggered off, he would be disgusted, angered and shocked, in no particular order.
She pointed all this out to her sister.
‘Well, you’re going to have to tell Mum, at least.’ Lisa sounded critical. She could afford to be, it wasn’t her cock up.
Giving it some consideration, Beth decided, ‘OK, I’ll tell her. After all, it’s still only a possibility. Right?’
They were in the lounge waiting for Pat to return from the hospital. She usually made it home about half an hour before Don. That was their window of opportunity.
‘Lisa, I don’t know how to tell her?’
‘Look. She’s here. Don’t waffle. Just say it.’
The front door opened and Pat entered the lounge. ‘Hello. You look thoughtful. What’s up?’
‘I … um.’
‘Tick tock, tick tock, Dad will be home soon. Spit it out!’ Lisa
was loving the drama.
‘Mum, I have to tell you something. Do you promise not to kill me?’
‘What have you broken?’
‘No, honestly. It’s nothing like that. Promise me, please?’
Pat’s expression became serious. ‘OK, I promise. What’s happened, Beth?’
She knew she was going to have to force herself to say it fast. In the end, it came out rather garbled, ‘IhadsexandnowIthinkImightbepregnant!’
Pat shook her head, attempting to clear the mist. Frowning, she asked, ‘Excuse me? Say that again, please? SLOWLY!’
‘I. Had. Sex. And. Now. I. Think. I. Might. Be. Pregnant. It was just once, Mum, I swear it.’
She rarely saw true disappointment on either of her parents’ faces, but just then, Pat’s expression showed more than disappointment – it was close to horror.
‘I had no idea. I was going to talk to you about all that when you got a boyfriend, but …’
‘I didn’t tell you about him. I don’t know why.’
‘No, I don’t know why either.’ Pat was angry now. ‘Why would you keep a boyfriend secret?’
‘I don’t know. I suppose I was embarrassed. We only did it once.’
‘You’ve already said that. It only takes one time. For goodness sake, you’re the daughter of a nurse!’
Beth began to cry.
‘What am I going to tell your dad?’
‘Nothing. PLEASE, NOTHING.’
‘I don’t usually keep secrets from him.’
That wasn’t strictly true, both Beth and Lisa had heard her lie to him on many an occasion about the price of a new outfit, but there was nothing to be gained from mentioning that.
‘Can we just wait until we’re sure? Please?’
‘Well, I can get you a pregnancy test from work tomorrow. But … he’ll be home soon. Your face is bright red, your eyes are puffy, he’s going to ask questions.’
‘I’ll hide. I won’t come downstairs.’
Pat seemed unsure. Beth knew how close her parents were. Would her mum be able to keep this enormous secret from Don? It was cruel of her to ask.
‘I’ll try. But I can’t make you any promises.’
Beth shot upstairs.