by Sue Shepherd
‘You mean you hadn’t already?’ He seemed hurt.
‘If I’m honest, I don’t think I had. I’ve been angry at you for so long, James. It’s not easy to love you, you know?’
‘I know.’
Beth headed over to the oven and removed their dinner. ‘There, it’s perfect. I do make a good lasagne, I’ve got to say.’
‘You do, and you’ll make us a fabulous baby too.’ James patted her belly.
‘I hope so. I’m worried half to death.’
‘Don’t be. It’s all going to be fine.’
‘We do deserve it to go well, don’t we?’
‘More than anyone else in the world.’
‘I want this to work. I want us to work.’
‘We will. I promise.’ He raised his glass. ‘To a fresh start and to baby Collier.’
Beth chinked her tumbler against his wine glass. ‘A fresh start and baby Collier.’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ None of this was what Lisa had planned.
On the 8th November 2006, Megan Amanda Collier was born. Although a couple of weeks early, she was incredibly sturdy. Beth gazed into her baby’s face. She had a tiny button nose and her top lip formed a perfect cupid’s bow. The most striking thing about her, however, was her eyes. Big and blue, they stared unblinking up at her mum.
She had no idea if her daughter could focus yet, but Beth felt an immediate connection. Megan was, by far, the most beautiful baby in the world. Even Michelle’s children were not as cute. This baby, whom she had waited a million years for, was the most incredible thing she’d ever seen. She took away all the pain of the desperate years when they’d been trying to conceive. She wiped out every bad emotion Beth ever had about pregnant women. Megan mended her mum’s shattered heart. Beth instantly loved her more than life itself.
Megan was only a day old when the midwife told Beth she could take her home.
‘Already? But she’s tiny.’
The midwife smiled. ‘She weighs 8lb 4oz. She’s hardly tiny.’
‘She looks tiny to me. I can’t be responsible for her twenty four hours a day.’
‘Of course you can. You’ll do fine. Anyway, I know your mum. If anyone is worth asking for advice, I’d say it’s Pat.’
‘True. She is desperate to come round and help out.’
‘Right, call your husband, and tell him to bring the car seat.’
Beth had read many books on how to be a parent. In an effort to become the best mother she could, she’d spent the last few months swatting up. Many of her colleagues at the salon had given her advice, as had Michelle. She was adamant she had to get it right. Everyone knew how long she’d waited for this, she was sure they would judge.
The most recent book she’d bought declared that if she stuck to the rules laid out in its pages, her child would feed every four hours on the dot, and be absolutely no bother to anyone in between times. Things had been a bit haphazard in the hospital. She’d just about managed to get the hang of breastfeeding, but there hadn’t been much rhyme or reason to Megan’s requests for food.
Beth was determined to establish some order as soon as they got home. At around 9 p.m., she and James optimistically carried out the bedtime routine, that they were assured by Doctor Whatshername would lead to this wondrous night’s sleep. Megan was fed and bathed. They used the lavender baby lotion, as suggested, and then, closing the black-out blinds, they placed their daughter into her Moses basket, in her own room, kissed her goodnight, and headed to bed themselves. They figured if the book was to be believed, they now had four hours of good sleep ahead of them, before Megan would require the next feed.
Not long after 10 p.m. she began to murmur. They had both their bedroom door and hers open, the landing was the size of a handkerchief; it wasn’t difficult to hear her.
James began to get out of bed.
‘Where are you going? The book says to leave her.’
‘But …’
‘She’s not even crying properly yet. Wait a bit. The book says she’ll self-soothe.’
James sloped back into bed, suitably told. They both closed their eyes and tried to get back to sleep.
Within ten minutes, Megan’s murmurs began to grow louder.
James sat up and put the bedside light on. ‘I don’t think she’s going to stop, love.’
‘The book says ‒’
‘Sod the flamin’ book. She’s crying.’
Beth was unsure. She wanted people to say, ‘Wow, hasn’t Beth adapted to motherhood well? Did you know her baby sleeps through the night already!’ The doctor in the book explained that if she went to her baby whenever she cried, she’d be making a rod for her own back. ‘Let’s just wait a bit longer. She’s not crying much.’ She winced.
Moments later, and there was no doubt in either of their minds, Megan was now officially crying.
Beth’s heart ached. ‘What do you think she wants? She’s clean, she’s fed. I don’t understand.’
‘She wants us,’ James said. ‘She wants her mummy and daddy. She wants to know we haven’t abandoned her.’
‘But she’s supposed to self-soothe. It says ‒’
‘If I could get my hands on the doctor who wrote that book …’ James gritted his teeth.
‘OK. Look, we’ll give her five more minutes, and if she’s not stopped, we’ll go in there. Agreed?’
‘Fine!’ He didn’t look as if it was fine.
They both began counting down the minutes. The hands Beth had watched as she’d awaited the first New Year without Nanna, made their way agonisingly slowly around the clock face.
‘One minute,’ James counted aloud as the second hand passed the twelve.
‘Two,’ Beth called out, as the same hand crawled past the top of the clock.
Megan had reached a crescendo.
‘That’s it. I’m going!’ James jumped out of bed.
Beth joined him.
They raced across the tiny landing, covering it in two strides.
Beth grabbed her baby and lifted her up. James leant in and kissed the top of his daughter’s head, whispering, ‘We’ll never do that again. I promise you, sweetheart.’
Holding the baby tight to her breast, Beth begged for forgiveness for leaving her.
As she was gently rocked, Megan quietened down, and quickly fell back to sleep in her mum’s arms. She truly had just wanted a bit of reassurance.
Beth placed her back in her basket and they tiptoed back to bed.
The next day, James ceremoniously tore the book in half. He didn’t quite manage the spine, but his intent was clear. As he dropped it in the bin, Beth heard him say, ‘I’ll give you flamin’ self-soothe.’
Sixty-four
On Megan’s first birthday, they threw a party in their tiny house, and invited all the children from her toddler group, along with Michelle’s kids.
They were all squashed into the miniscule lounge, trying to encourage their babies to play pass the parcel, and eat jelly and ice cream. It was madness from start to finish. Beth knew it was a ridiculous undertaking, but they were just so proud of their baby.
At one point, she glanced up from passing on the parcel to the next baby, who had not a clue what he was supposed to do with it, but settled upon chewing one corner. Leo was on her lap and Beth couldn’t help smiling at the craziness of it all. She caught sight of James, sat cross-legged opposite her in the circle, holding Megan. Their eyes met and there was the most wonderful feeling when they connected with such strength. Their look said, ‘we did it!’ ‘we’re parents at last.’ He’d never looked more content than he did just then, and Beth was relieved she hadn’t given up on him or on trying to conceive.
After that rather stressful first birthday, they decided to keep away from parties for a while, choosing instead to go for trips out, just the three of them, to celebrate each year.
For her fourth birthday, they went for a family trip to the zoo. Megan was old enough to appreciate the animals, and it was a great d
ay out for them all. Beth remembered the last time she’d been there, during the awful two week wait after IVF. She realised how vulnerable she’d been that day. She may have thought she was safe, they may have kidded themselves they were home and dry, but in reality, she’d been hanging on by her fingernails. This time, the whole day was much more relaxing. All thanks to her amazing daughter and husband.
They began in the giraffe enclosure, where Megan stated in quite a loud voice. ‘It smells of poo in here.’
‘Yes, well it will, love. There’s poo everywhere. Look?’ James pointed to several large ones littering the floor.
‘YUCK!’ Megan was getting louder.
‘It’s just giraffe poo. It’s fine.’ Beth smiled. ‘Shush now. Don’t make a fuss.’
They quickly moved on to the next enclosure. The elephants.
‘It smells of poo in here, too.’
‘Of course, it does. This time it’s elephant poo. Just enjoy looking at the beautiful animals.’ Beth tried to distract her daughter. She was worried people would think Megan was precocious.
After observing how huge the elephants were, and discussing their long trunks, they moved on to the third enclosure. As they walked around a large brick wall and rounded the corner into an open arena, a familiar smell hit their nostrils.
‘OK. So, whose poo are we smelling now?’ Megan asked, all wide-eyed innocence.
‘This kid cracks me up!’ Lisa laughed, affectionately.
They vowed not to return to the zoo for a while.
The next year Megan started school. She was one of the oldest in her year. Amongst the first of her new friends to celebrate the grand occasion of turning five. Beth thought maybe it was time to attempt another party. She wanted it to be a wonderful day for Megan. It was becoming clear there were going to be no more miracle babies for her and James, and, if Megan was to be their only one, then her childhood must be perfect. Beth had decided against having the party in their tiny house. Megan had been desperate to invite the whole class, and Beth knew how impossible it would be to have a decent party at their place.
Don and Pat had kindly offered to help with the money to hire a hall. They were all set to have a fabulous party, with a bouncy castle and a party entertainer. Everything was arranged. Beth had been busy buying presents and hiding them in the wardrobes for weeks in advance.
Beth had left herself some jobs to do on the actual day of the party. There were still presents to wrap and sandwiches to make, so she asked James to keep Megan out of her hair. He was annoyingly distracted, and not at all co-operative. She figured maybe he was worrying about the party.
Lisa asked, ‘You actually think a kid’s party could make him this twitchy?’
‘I don’t know. Maybe. Why do you think he’s cranky?’
‘I think that man has got far greater things on his mind than how many sandwiches thirty kids will eat.’
‘Not now. Not today!’
‘I thought you asked him to take Megan to the park while you wrapped her presents?’
‘I did. But he doesn’t seem in much of a park kind of mood. I guess I’m going to have to wrap them in our room. That’s not going to be easy.’
‘I’d like to see that idiot wrap a doll’s house on a bed.’
‘Not the most stable of surfaces, is it?’
‘You need more room. This house is too small,’ Lisa complained.
‘I know. I was wondering if maybe James could knock down the wall between the lounge and the hallway. And perhaps the kitchen wall too. We could make a kind of through-lounge. We could see …’
‘See what?’ Lisa asked. ‘See how long it takes before the roof falls in?’
Beth laughed. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’
‘These houses are mostly held together by willpower and hot glue. And let’s not forget who helped build the shitty little things.’
‘Don’t say that, it’s my home.’
‘But it’s true.’
‘The truth is we’ve totally out-grown this house. But you know what our finances are like.’
Lisa replied, ‘Let’s say “fluid”. I did warn you he wouldn’t change. I know he loves Megan, but even she isn’t reason enough to stop. He’s convinced there’s a big win waiting for him out there.’
Beth couldn’t deny that Lisa was right. ‘It’s like we’re forever going round in circles. Most days, I’m scared to open the front door.’
‘Yeah, but whenever I think you’re getting up the guts to leave him, he goes crawling back to that sponsor of his, and manages to convince you he’s changed.’
‘I know you think I’m stupid for staying. But we have Megan to think of.’
‘This life is not sustainable. You can’t keep his addiction from her forever.’
Beth shook her head. ‘OK, I get it. Please, let’s concentrate on her birthday party. You can slag my husband off all the other days of the year.’
‘Oh, I intend to!’ Lisa turned her attention to the presents. ‘What else is there to wrap, apart from the doll’s house.’
Beth reeled off a list of items.
‘You’ve gone overboard this year.’ Lisa sounded disapproving.
‘Well, why the hell shouldn’t I? If I hadn’t spent the money on toys, James would simply have gambled it away. I’d rather see her face when she realises how many gifts she’s got.’
‘Fair enough. But you don’t want to spoil the child.’
‘You sound like Nanna with the chips.’
James walked into the lounge, searching for his keys.
‘Are you going to take Megan out? I can’t wrap a thing with her in the house.’
‘Why the fuck did you leave it this late to start wrapping?’
‘Don’t swear!’ Beth checked their daughter wasn’t listening.
‘Sorry. But seriously. Today is not a good day for me. I can’t go to the park just now.’
‘Why not? Why isn’t today a good day. It’s her party day.’
He was already collecting up his keys and phone, preparing to leave. She just knew he wasn’t planning to take his daughter with him.
‘I’ve got to meet someone. I’ll …’ He leant over and absent-mindedly tried to kiss her. ‘If I don’t get back here in time, I’ll see you at the hall. OK? Three o’clock, isn’t it?’
‘Whoa there. You’re not going out on your own. Not now. I need help.’
James stared at her. Right into her face. She wondered what he was thinking. He seemed to be gauging the situation.
‘Why are you looking at me like that?’ It was disturbing.
He shook his head. Exhaling, he whispered, ‘I’m sorry.’ And without another word, he left.
Beth was furious. He knew there was no way she could make all the sandwiches and wrap the presents, with Megan in the house. What the hell is he playing at?
She called Pat, who agreed to come and pick Megan up and entertain her at her house for a while.
‘Is Daddy coming to the party?’ Megan asked as she climbed into her special seat in the back of Pat’s car.
‘Of course, he is. He can’t wait.’ Beth gave her daughter a reassuring smile.
‘He was angry today.’ There was no fooling Megan. Even at the age of five, she, sadly, picked up on her dad’s moods.
Making something up on the spot, Beth said, ‘He was a bit, yes. But only because he had to go to work this morning, and he wasn’t free to take you to the park.’
Pat gave her daughter a look that completely reflected her thoughts on James.
‘I’m really grateful for your help, Mum.’
‘I’m happy to see my granddaughter, you know that. Besides, I couldn’t let you struggle alone.’ The sub context being, James shouldn’t either. Pat was right, of course. His habit affected them all.
‘Grandma will bring you to the hall, just before three. I’ll see you there, OK?’ Kissing Megan, Beth handed Pat a bag. ‘Her party dress, tights, hairband, shoes, everything she needs is in here.’
‘Right you are.’ Pat squeezed her hand gently, as she took the bag. Jumping in the car, she said, ‘Come on then, girlie-twirly, let’s get going to Grandma and Grandpa’s.’
Back in the house, and now with a bit of peace and quiet on offer, Beth cracked on with the jobs that needed doing.
As she wrapped the doll’s house, she asked Lisa, ‘Do you think she’ll like it?’
‘She’ll adore it. We never had anything as flash as this.’
Beth agreed. ‘I know you think I’ve gone a bit mad this year. But ‒’
‘You’re trying to make up for the fact her dad is a knob, I know.’
‘Not just that. I want things to be perfect. For years, I thought I’d never get my wish. I still have to pinch myself sometimes to believe I’m a mummy. Thank goodness, James managed to produce one sperm that knew the way.’
‘Three friggin’ cheers for James.’
Once wrapped, Beth manhandled all the presents down the stairs, and placed them by the front door, ready to put in the boot of the car at the last minute. Next it was on to the sandwiches. What seemed like hundreds of slices of bread were waiting to be buttered.
As she worked, she ran through the list of things to be done, with Lisa. ‘Mum’s got the cake. She’s taking it to the hall at three. Someone from the school is providing crisps and nibbles, I can’t remember exactly whose mum she is, but I’ll know her face when I see it. And … um … what else, oh yes, Michelle’s bringing choc ices, she’s already checked there’s a freezer in the kitchen at the hall.’
It was all rather mundane and ordinary. The kind of conversation all mothers have before their child’s party. How was Beth to know that soon it would all be totally irrelevant?
Sixty-five
The knock on the door was deceptively gentle. Usually loan sharks bang noisily and shout something like, ‘Open up!’ This knock was so quiet, Beth didn’t hear it, until Lisa asked, ‘Is there someone at the door? I thought you told people to go straight to the hall?’
‘Huh?’ Beth paused buttering the bread, and listened out. There it was again, a gentle knock. ‘It’s probably Michelle. Perhaps the choc ices are melting.’ Beth wiped her hands on a tea towel, and headed toward the door. She was preparing to say, ‘There’s not room in my little freezer for thirty choc ices, you know.’ But as she opened the door, she realised it most definitely wasn’t Michelle.