by Lois Metzger
A Trick of the Light
Lois Metzger
Mike Welles had everything under control. But that was before. Now things are rough at home, and they’re getting confusing at school. He’s losing his sense of direction, and he feels like he’s a mess.
Then there’s a voice in his head. A friend, who’s trying to help him get control again. More than that—the voice can guide him to become faster and stronger than he was before, to rid his life of everything that’s holding him back. To figure out who he is again. If only Mike will listen.
Telling a story of a rarely recognized segment of eating disorder sufferers—young men—A Trick of the Light by Lois Metzger is a book for fans of the complex characters and emotional truths in Laurie Halse Anderson’s Wintergirls and Jay Asher’s Thirteen Reasons Why.
Lois Metzger
A TRICK OF THE LIGHT
To Susan Cohen
PART 1
THE MIRROR
CHAPTER 1
THE FIRST TIME I REACH MIKE WELLES, HE’S IN A tunnel. It’s hot, syrupy hot, July hot, the kind of heat where your breath going out feels the same as the air going in, or so I imagine. I’ve been trying to talk to Mike but he can’t hear me or can’t listen—the distinction isn’t important. How long has it been—weeks or months, days? Time is a syrupy thing, too, not always so easy to pin down.
Mike is walking with his best friend, Tamio Weissberg, in the long tunnel beneath the expressway. There’s pigeon crap pretty much everywhere, which has earned this place a nickname: the stinky tunnel. They just saw King Kong, the original 1933 version, at You Must Remember This, a neighborhood place that shows only the classics. This is far from the first time Mike and Tamio have seen King Kong, which they hail as the masterpiece of something called stop-motion animation. But it’s their first time seeing it in a movie theater and, needless to say, they were the only ones in the audience without gray hair.
They have to talk loudly because of the whooshing cars overhead, and their voices echo against the concrete walls.
Tamio: “That’s the best death scene in movies. Nobody dies like Kong.”
Mike: “Every time I keep hoping that he won’t die. It’s so stupid.”
I couldn’t agree more. It’s a movie. It will never change. But other things can change. I wish I could tell Mike that.
Mike: “The expression in his face is so amazing—how’d they do that? He’s just a little model of a gorilla, but he looks really, truly in love. Love at first sight, poor guy.”
Tamio: “On the big screen you really notice his fur moving around. You can practically see fingerprints on him.”
Mike: “Well. You can’t help that. When you handle the model—”
Tamio (shaking his head): “Hair spray. Then the fur won’t move as much.”
Mike is always impressed by Tamio’s knowledge of what seems like everything. This summer they’re working at a baseball camp for all of July and half of August, along with a kid named Ralph Gaffney. They’re counselors for the six- and seven-year-olds. It also impresses Mike how much the little kids love Tamio, how they beg to help him with the equipment. They’re actually disappointed when they can’t carry buckets of balls. And when they skin their knees, like a little kid name of Ezra did this afternoon, they don’t want to cry in front of Tamio.
Mike: “You know, when Ezra got hurt, Ralph couldn’t care less—he just got mad because it was taking too long to wash the blood off and put on a Band-Aid.”
Tamio: “Ralph’s an asshole. Poor Ezra. Did you tell him he shouldn’t have been trying to steal third?”
Mike: “Not only that, but he was sliding.”
Apparently they’re not supposed to slide until they know how to do it right.
Tamio: “Ezra’s a nice kid, but he thinks he’s in the majors. When I pitch to him, he tries to tell me how to throw a slider. Hey, watch out!” He pushes Mike away from a ton of pigeon crap.
Mike: “Thanks, you saved my life.” He laughs. But he doesn’t feel like it. I can tell. I know everything there is to know about Mike Welles.
Why Mike doesn’t feel like laughing:
Sometime in June, Mike’s mom, Regina Welles, known as Gina, a professional organizer, started sleeping whenever she wasn’t helping people clean out their closets, and at night began taking baths that last so long, the water must be cold by the time she finally climbs out. Around the same time, Mike’s dad, Douglas Welles, lawyer, started going to the gym. He spends so much time there that Mike hardly sees him.
I don’t know why this bothers Mike. He should relish the freedom all of it gives him. But he can’t resist his natural urge to talk to Tamio.
Mike: “Things have been kind of weird at home.”
Tamio: “Yeah? How so?”
Don’t.
Mike stops walking.
Tamio: “What’s the matter?”
Mike stares ahead blankly.
Tamio: “Are you all right?”
Mike is thinking about how he just heard a voice in his head. A whisper of a voice, but definitely a voice.
Tamio: “What do you mean, things are weird at home?”
Don’t talk about it.
Mike still can’t move, stuck in the stinky tunnel. He thinks, Am I crazy?
Tamio: “Hey, what’s going on?”
Mike: [nothing]
Tamio: “Dude. Say something.”
Mike: “It’s nothing.”
Mike knows something’s wrong but doesn’t know where to turn. He thinks things are bad and can only get worse. He has no idea what achievements are within his reach, what rewards await him, how much better his life is going to be.
Infinitely better.
CHAPTER 2
MIKE LIVES WAY OUT IN BELLE HEIGHTS, IN A FAR corner of Queens that he dislikes and finds dull and frustrating. You take buses everywhere in Belle Heights; you spend a lot of time waiting for buses. Mike thinks there’s nothing to do here except wait for the bus. It’s a long subway ride away from Manhattan, and nobody from Manhattan goes to Belle Heights unless they’re driving through it to get to the airport.
But Mike should be perfectly happy with Belle Heights. So what if nothing happens? You make your own excitement; you create your own drama. You can live the life you are supposed to live without the distraction of a bustling city or the so-called charm of a country village or the smugness of the suburbs. Belle Heights has a pleasantly anonymous quality. Planes are constantly overhead, which creates a whooshing sound in the sky; the Belle Heights Expressway is always crowded, creating a whooshing sound on the ground. Some streets are as hilly as roller coasters because back in the Ice Age glaciers traveled south, pushing rocks and sand and clay in front of them, and the glaciers stopped here before moving up north again. They left all their glacier junk behind, right here in Belle Heights. Mike learned this in earth science last year and found it boring, of course. There’s so much beauty here—sights, smells, sounds—but he’s blind and deaf to it. He needs to open his eyes, get some poetry in his soul. It’s something for him to look forward to.
Mike was born in Belle Heights Hospital on March 9, fifteen years and four months ago, on an unseasonably warm day for spring, or so his mom tells him. He’s spent his whole life on Belle Heights Road, a curving street with two-story brick houses, each attached on one side to another two-story brick house, and each with a small patch of semi-neglected lawn. Despite the nearness of the neighbors, Mike only knows them to wave and say hi, if anything at all. Once a family moved in halfway down the block and Mike thought the people moving out were the new people coming in.
I think parents generally do their children more harm than good, and Mike’s parents are no exception. They don’t seem to care about h
im. They all go to a movie, and Mike’s dad says it’s hilarious while Mike’s mom finds it upsetting. They argue. Does either of them even ask Mike what he thinks?
Mike grew up with one grandparent, Grandma Celia, who died a year ago—or was it two years? Grandma Celia lived in one of those assisted-living facilities, but Mike’s dad always said:
“We do all the assisting! She calls here for everything, and when she does, it’s like a fire alarm! If she drops something behind a bureau and can’t reach it, we go and get it for her. If she needs something at the pharmacy, she hurt her ankle, so we go to the pharmacy for her.”
Mom: “She’s eighty-six.” (Or seven, or eight.) “If she’s hurt—”
Dad: “The pharmacy’s right in the building—next to the beauty parlor. She gets her hair done every day, doesn’t she? The ankle doesn’t stop her then. What about the time she thought her brooch was stolen and she wanted you to question the neighbors?”
Mom: “Well. I didn’t have to do that.”
Dad: “Only because you found it before you had to go door-to-door and interrogate the other little old ladies. What’d she want you to do, slam them up against a wall, shine a light in their eyes?”
Mom: “She’s my mother. How can I say no to her?”
Dad: “By saying no, that’s how.” Good point. “She makes you crazy. I’m just trying to spare you the insanity.”
Mom: “I’d like to say no to her. But… I can’t.”
Mike was always surprised by how helpless his mom was when it came to her own mother. She’s a professional organizer, but she was totally out of her depth here.
Another time Grandma Celia swore she saw a mouse in her room. Mike’s mom has a phobia about mice, which is why they got a cat, Mighty Joe Young (Mike named him after a kindhearted gorilla in another old stop-motion movie). Mike went with his mom up to Grandma Celia’s and looked everywhere for the mouse. When they couldn’t find it, Grandma Celia didn’t seem all that surprised; she just shrugged and said, “Maybe there was no mouse…. It must have been a trick of the light.”
Mike knew, then, there had never been a mouse.
If I had to pick, I’d say Mike’s dad is the better of the two. Not that he deserves a World’s Best Dad coffee mug, but he doesn’t talk Mike’s ear off and he gives Mike a lot of room. Mike’s mom is a different story.
When Mike was in second grade, his teacher—Ms. Jackson? Ms. Johnson? Mike’s memories are sometimes spotty—called his mom and said Mike didn’t have any friends because nobody understood what he was saying. Mike sat by himself, she said, popping CDs into a CD player so he didn’t have to talk to anyone: “He’s our little disc jockey.” Mike’s mom went into overdrive, researching like crazy, interviewing doctors. She got Mike’s hearing tested and it was fine—Mike raised his finger to show that he heard all the little beeps and tones he was supposed to hear. She took Mike to several speech therapists before getting a diagnosis of lazy lip syndrome, which meant he wasn’t putting enough air into his speech, or some such nonsense. Doctors aren’t to be taken seriously. A lazy lip? It’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Three whole years of speech therapy followed, closely supervised by his mom—enunciation exercises, word repetitions (bus, ball, boy, pants, party, private), looking in the mirror and watching his mouth while reciting something everybody knows, like the Pledge of Allegiance. Even now, though Mike is supposedly cured, he can be hard to understand when he gets tired or scared, and people often ask him to repeat himself or speak up. Even his parents don’t always understand him. Except for Tamio, Mike thinks, who always understands him. But I’m not sure Tamio ever really understood Mike. Not deep down, where it counts. The way I do.
Tamio says he and Mike are like unrelated twins. But they’re not. Not psychologically, emotionally, or even physically. Tamio is half Japanese, half Jewish, with thick, black hair that goes halfway down his back. Mike has hair and eyes the color of a paper bag. Mike is the taller of the two, but Tamio’s in good shape—that’s the biggest physiccepgest physal difference between them. Lately Mike’s been eating a lot, mostly junk food, and sitting around the house. His belly is starting to stick out over his shorts and he gets winded easily. It’s disheartening that Mike has gotten to this point. That he’s become so lifeless. Even with his height, Mike feels almost invisible next to Tamio.
Mike met Tamio on his first morning of sixth grade in Belle Heights Middle School. Mike sat at his desk, drawing a Cyclops with two heads.
Tamio: “What is that?”
Mike: “It’s a Cyclops with two heads.” He waited for Tamio to find him weird and walk away.
But Tamio stayed where he was. “That’s an improvement over the usual variety. This one would have depth perception. Pretty badass.” He nodded. “Did you ever see The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad?”
Mike: “I love that movie!”
What followed was an endless discussion of stop-motion animation and its god, Ray Harryhausen, who learned the craft from Willis O’Brien, the creator of King Kong.
What is stop-motion? I’ve heard it more times than I want to remember. That is a problem with memory: sometimes you forget what you wish you hadn’t; other times you can’t forget something you’d prefer to be rid of.
Stop-motion is using cinematic techniques to create the illusion of movement in an inanimate object. First you make a small model of a giant creature, such as, in the case of King Kong, an eighteen-inch-tall gorilla. You film a frame, walk to the gorilla, move the gorilla a fraction, walk back to the camera, film the next frame, then walk back to the gorilla, move the gorilla again, walk back to the camera, film the next frame, and repeat this over and over and over. Because there are twenty-four frames for one second of film, you have to move the gorilla twenty-four times for only one second of stop-motion animation. All that incessant handling is why the fur—without hair spray, apparently—moves around so much.
I wonder if on some level Mike feels eternally grateful to Ray Harryhausen for bringing him a friend. I suspect, also, that Mike feels grateful to Tamio, who apparently gave up the chance to be everybody’s best friend by sticking with Mike.
Tamio is content with Mike the way he is. He once told Mike, “There’s a lot of assholes out there—kids who are mean, kids who lie, kids who brag all the time. You’re the least assholey kid I know.”
What a waste, for Mike to settle for that.
CHAPTER 3
BY THE TIME MIKE GETS HOME, HE’S PRETTY NEARLY convinced himself he didn’t hear me at all. This doesn’t surprise or discourage me—two steps forward, one step back.
He finds his mom in a panic.
Mom (shouting): “I can’t find my book!”
She keeps all her work in a big binder, which she calls her book. It’s got clients’ names, appointments, billing information.
Mike: “Where’d you see it last?”
Mom: “If I could remember that, do you think I’d be in this situation?”
Mike: “Just asking. That thing’s as big as a phone book.”
Mom: “Well, it’s still missing! I’ve been scouring the place for an hour. Where is it?”
Mike leans down to pet Mighty Joe Young, who runs away. He’s black with a little dribble of white on his chin. It makes him look like he never washes his face, even though that’s practically all he does.
Mom: “I can’t believe this. If I don’t find that book… I’ve got a client in an hour… at least I think I do.”
Mike knows this isn’t like her. She always has her day’s schedule memorized and is never late.
Mike: “I’ll help you find it, okay?”
She doesn’t even say thanks.
Mike’s house has two bedrooms upstairs, plus a small room his dad uses as a home office. It’s the first place Mike decides to look. The door is closed and he knocks.
Dad (from inside): “Yeah?”
Mike: “Can I come in?”
Dad (pause): “Sure.”
Mike ope
ns the door and almost doesn’t recognize his own father. What’s different? Mike is reminded of those trick photographs that appear in magazines side by side—at first they seem identical, but if you look closely you can spot ten differences.
It’s the glasses, Mike realizes. His dad used to wear plain wire rims; these are thick, black plastic, with an anti-reflective coating so you can see his brown eyes.
Mike: “You got new glasses.”
Dad: “Yes.” He leans his hands on his desk. There are piles of papers everywhere: on the shelves, on top of the printer. Mike’s mom calls this “vertical mess.” Mike’s dad has a collection of heavy brass paperweights. A hunting dog in the pointer position is balanced on top of a particularly huge pile.
Mike doesn’t like his dad’s new glasses. He’s not sure why.
Mike: “Why’d you change your glasses?”
Dad (hesitates): “I needed a new prescription.”
Mike: “You didn’t have to change the frames.”
Dad (tightens his lips): “What do you want, Mike?”
Mike: “I’m looking for Mom’s book.”
Dad: “Why?”
Mike can’t believe it. His mom’s been searching for an hour and his dad has no idea.
Mi diize="-1">ke: “Because it’s missing.”
Dad: “Why would her book be in here?”
Mike: “Because it isn’t anywhere else.”
Dad: “Well, it’s not here.”
Mike: “Are you sure?”
Dad: “Yes. Look, let me finish up. I’ve got to get to the gym before six.”
There’s an ache inside Mike. He doesn’t know why.
Go with him.
Though Mike on principle doesn’t like the idea of listening to a voice in his head, he thinks it might be on to something here.
Mike: “Can I go with you?”
Dad: “What?”
Mike’s not sure if his dad didn’t understand him or if he’s just questioning why Mike wants to go. To be safe, Mike remembers his lazy-lip exercises and speaks slowly and carefully: “Can I go to the gym with you?”